You are on a ten hour flight coming back from wherever you’ve been — from a secret location vacation. That’s what I like to call my vacations: secret location vacations. (We had a great time on ours by the way).

So we are nearly at the end of our ten hour flight back to Los Angeles, when the flight attendant becomes just really annoying. Here we are, watching our fourth movie and enjoying it. It was a really great movie called “My Sister’s Keeper,” and we’re getting close to the gut-wrenching end when the poor girl is dying of cancer.

Then, all of a sudden, the movie freezes on the screen as the flight attendant gets on the P.A. system to talk to us about . . . money. Yes, she wanted to announce that they were sending around a bag to collect money for UNICEF.

Now maybe if they had brought around a giant plastic pumpkin — or even one of those orange boxes like we used to use when I was a kid — then I might have given them my leftover change. To pass around a garbage bag, though, is just showing there there is no innovation.

It was also really annoying to have her go into this long speech about UNICEF when I just wanted to see the end of the movie. When the movie final did resume, the pilot gets on the speakers.

Who cares that we are almost there. Just land the plane. Then he gives us a guided tour of what is below us. As I am in a middle row, I can’t possibly see that we’re flying over Vegas.

Then the movie comes back on, except it is interrupted again by one of my favorite things in the world:the welcome to America video. It’s such a wonderful video. It teaches you how to make it through customs as if you are retarded.

Look, I’ve flown into England, Germany and lots of other countries, and nobody else plays a video about what to do when you get there. That’s part of the fun of going — not knowing what to do, what to claim and what to fill out.

The United States, however, has an entire patriotic video. Any of you who work for the government are probably cringing right now because I probably sound very anti-American.

The truth is that I am not anti-American at all. I just do not want to watch these videos . . . especially during a crucial part of the movie I’m trying to finish on the plane.

When they finally put the movie back on again, then the flight attendant comes over and says she wants to put my headphones away before we land in another 20 minutes. I looked at her and said, “No, you’ve already interrupted the move fourteen times.”

So if any of you work for the airlines, please help out and see what you can do about getting rid of those videos. Also, although I don’t mind giving money to causes, do we have to be asked while we’re on a plane?

We already give money everywhere we go. You are at the airport and a Hari Krishna hits you up before you hit the plane. You get off the plane, and some guy in a priest outfit is hitting you up for some type of Catholic school thing.

I mean everywhere you go, people are asking for money. Really, I’d like to see some ingenuity at least from the people asking me for the money. I’d like to see the first bum on the street with a credit card processing machining. That would really impress me. Instead of asking for change, they could tell you that they take PayPal, American Express, Visa and Master Card.

My feelings about airplanes would be different if the airlines offered better things on a plane. It would be different if when you boarded a plane, they asked if you were single and seated you with the other single people. I mean, how many times have you walked down the aisle of the plane toward your seat and thought, “Why aren’t I sitting next to THAT person?!”

You could change seats throughout the flights and get to socialize with lots of different people. They could designate a whole singles section in the back of the plane. It could be like a mini speed dating event in the back five rows.

They could have a section for each group. Singles could hang in the back few rows. Divorced people would sit in rows 3 through 7. Couples would hang out in a section together. There would be a section just for swingers. All all the screaming kids would be put in their own section.

Better yet, why not have an entirely separate plane just for kids. No adults, just the kids. Instead of flight attendants, there would be adult babysitters on the plane. They would walk around the plane serving three kinds of milk: breast, whole and skim. Can you imagine what those flight attendants would look like by the end of each trip? Green pea spit up on their shirts and all sorts of other craziness.

I actually think that singles should have their own plane . . . and even their own airline. On that airline, the cart would go around serving shots, cosmopolitans, martinis and Jaegermeister. Instead of peanuts, they would hand out condoms to each person.

There would be a special place for people to go to hook up and join the mile high club. If you think about it, this is a great idea and actually superior to other ways people meet and hook up.

Think if you were on a ten hour flight and ended up getting laid. Is that so crazy? People hook up all the time after two or three hours of talking to someone in a bar. Ten hours sitting and talking with someone on a plane is a long time to get to know someone. It’s like three dates worth of conversation smushed together into one trip.

On the singles airline, if you get laid on the flight you would earn triple miles. just think, three trips to Europe getting laid on each one and you’re executive platinum status. If you think executive platinum has benefits on American, on our airline you get your own waterbed in the back complete with a Hugh Hefner silk robe. Talk about priority seating. . .

This singles airline concept would definitely save the airline industry a lot better than collecting for UNICEF.

It’s time for the Monster Mash. It’s a graveyard smash . . . It caught on in a flash . . . ‘Cause it’s the Monster Mash . . .

So how exactly are you going to mash this Halloween season?

Remember the good old days walking door to door with a plastic pumpkin, knocking on strangers’ doors, and hoping you didn’t get an apple with a razor blade in it? By the way, what kind of person hands out apples at Halloween anyway? We’re out for candy! In fact, lots of candy . . . and not a stinkin’ apple! That’s the shit your mother gives you at home.

As we rang each door bell, we’d utter these magic words: “Trick or treat for UNICEF!” For those of you who don’t know what UNICEF is, it was a private collection. That is, we would collect it . . . and UNICEF would never ever get it.

Wouldn’t it be fun if you could go to an apartment complex where hot chicks and singles reside wearing your Scooby Doo costume with the plastic mask and that shiny material that your mother had to tie in the back. You remember those, the kind where if your mother bought the wrong size, it only came down to your ankles?

The great thing about that shiny material though was that it repelled all the eggs and the shaving cream pelted at you by the older kids. Not to mention, it was always freezing outside and you never wanted to wear a jacket because it would ruin your great costume.

What a great costume that was that your Mom bought for $5.00 at Wal*Mart. Thanks a lot Mom!

Not to mention, sometimes your head was too big for the plastic mask so either a lot of chin or a lot of forehead would always be visible. On top of everything else, that cheap elastic string on the back of the mask would continuously break, so the mask got tighter and tighter every time you fixed it.

So now you’re an adult. You are no longer trick or treating in cheap costumes that don’t fit. You now dress up in adult-themed costumes.

Women will dress up in skimpy little bunny costumes. Men will dress up as women . . . not a pretty sight by the way, and definitely not a costume I would consider.

Instead of getting a stomach ache from eating a pumpkin full of candy, as adults we get a stomach ache from drinking a pumpkin full of booze. The candy is no longer chocolate with caramel filling . . . it has become the opposite sex.

The problem is that people tend to act really stupid on Halloween. They start talking like the character they are portraying.

I met this female pirate one time at a Halloween party. When I asked if she would like a drink, she answered “Aye matey!” Then I asked if she would be interested in some casual sex that night, and she answered “Aye matey!!” In fact, she said “Aye matey!” all night until she passed out from drinking too much pumpkin juice.

A Halloween party for adults is hilarious. Women will have sex on Halloween and then rationalize it: “It wasn’t me . . . Wonder Woman slept with him.” Men will approach women with the worst pick-up lines ever.

Everyone here in L.A. wants to go the Halloween party at the Playboy mansion which, by the way, I’ have attended. It happens to be a lot of fun. Lots of “Aye Matey’s” there . . . and lots of people on drugs.

There’s nothin’ like Halloween in L.A.! I think here in L.A., that everybody’s magic pumpkin is filled with magical Ecstasy.

Once again, remember that Halloween is just one night. Either you can rap or you can’t.

Just wearing a costume is not going to turn a man into a smooth-talking stud. A woman’s sexy skimpy costume is also not going to make her the social butterfly she craves to be. Halloween is also the night you will hear the most stupid pick-up lines of any night of the year . . . with the possible exception of 5-4-3-2-1 night.

So what is my idea for a good Halloween? Go to Target. Buy one of those little kid costumes and an orange plastic pumpkin. I’m sure one of that little kid costumes will go down as far as your knees . . . if you’re lucky. This is very funny.

Then go door to door wearing your costume and carrying the plastic pumpkin, and say this to the hot single mom or dad who answers the door: “Trick or treat for a social life! Please put your phone number in the pumpkin, and I’ll call you tomorrow when I become a person again instead of a giant Hello Kitty.”

I think I’m going to go to this area of my town that has a ton of single women and ring some bells. Bells will be ringin’ … Oops! Wrong holiday.

So now you know what I will be doing on Halloween. What will you be doing?

I will leave you with one of my favorite kid jokes: Why can’t witches get pregnant? Because ghosts have Halloweenies …

Check put todays Halloween pickup video…..beware this content is very very scary due to the nature of the holiday.