Today I want to talk to you about something that a lot of guys already know on the inside, but they forget when they’re out in public or they’re in the presence of a woman they’re attracted to.

It’s something that I talk about a lot—it’s the fact that you have to have fun whatever it is that you’re doing.  And if you’re in a situation that you feel uncomfortable in, either find a way to make it fun for yourself or stop doing that and go do something that you actually enjoy doing.

Ditch your friends if you have to.  If you’ve been going downtown to the clubs, but on the inside you actually feel like the artsy hipster girl is a better fit for you than the dolled-up high heels girl, start hanging out with the artsy hipster crowd.

The internet is so full of information about this and that.  I was watching a video this morning that revealed 10 secret places to touch a woman when you’re on a first date.  What?  10 places?    What is this, the game “Operation”?

When I’m on a date, I hold a woman’s hand during the date, and then I kiss her on the lips at the end of the date.  That’s it.

It’s funny how quickly we forget about the basics.  Going out and meeting women is not that difficult.  Going on a date and engaging the woman you’re out with in great conversation is not that difficult.

So why can’t so many guys do it?  It’s because they’re not having fun.  They’re not engaged in the conversation at hand.  They’re thinking about whether or not they bought the right Axe body spray out of the 38 varieties on the shelf.  They’re thinking about whether they’ve touched the girl on secret place #6 yet.  They’re trying way too hard and they’re just not being themselves.  And the most frustrating part about it is that most guys are actually aware that the only thing holding them back is themselves.

So what do you do?  How do you solve this?

You tell yourself that you’re going to enjoy yourself no matter what.  You don’t worry about making the best impression possible.  You don’t worry about getting laid.  Don’t even think about trying to get laid.  You’ll get there eventually.

Go out to a place you like to go out to.  Smile at everyone.  Wink at the hot ones.  Eat what you like.  Wear what you like.  Talk about what you like to talk about.  Tell jokes that you like.  Laugh when you feel like laughing.   If something goes a little awry…laugh at that, too.

And why do you do it this way?  Because the #1 key to attracting a beautiful woman is by being yourself, and I truly believe that it’s impossible to simultaneously have fun and not be yourself.

When you’re out this weekend, I want you to feel like this guy:

If you’re feeling a little uptight, play this on your phone.  Forget about other people looking at you.  Stop behaving the way you think others want you to behave.  The reality is that nobody is really looking at you and nobody really cares about how you behave.  Let loose.  Have a drink, for chrissakes.  Approach the entire situation like you’re having a blast, like you’re just having the time of your life.  That’s what makes you an attractive personality, and that’s what’s going to make women want to be with you.

Remember that this whole thing is not that complicated.  The weekend is here for you to enjoy, so go out and have fun!

Here’s a comment that a reader left on the blog that I really wanted to address. I’ve heard it quite a few times from guys and the topic is really relevant for guys who don’t drink alcohol but still want to go out and experience some nightlife.

Coach Shogo, I want to try something new: going sober in a club or bar, how can I put myself at ease and enjoy while not taking any drinks?  I’ve been studying this option for some time now, and it is very difficult to achieve…

–Maximillian

First off, I think going sober is a great thing.  I think living an alcohol-free lifestyle is great.

That being said, I have to give you a disclaimer that I personally don’t live an alcohol-free lifestyle.  Now, I don’t booze it up every day, but I do like to go out a couple times a week and have a few drinks in the evening.  And about once I month I like to go out and actually get drunk.  Just the way I like to do things.

So if you want to go out and have a couple drinks, loosen up, and be less uptight when you’re out meeting people, more power to you.  (But if you HAVE to drink in order to open up at social functions, that’s a problem and we need to talk.)

And if you never drink alcohol because you don’t like the feeling of losing control of your senses, or you don’t want to put unhealthy things in your body, more power to you as well.  Don’t let the pressure of the drinking crowd get to you.

Is everyone at this bar getting drunk?

A lot of times I will go out and not drink any alcohol, or I’ll just sip on one beer the whole night, especially when I was bartending and just needed a break from all the boozing.

But if you’re not able to put yourself at ease in a bar or club situation without drinking, it’s for one of two reasons:

One, you don’t feel comfortable in a bar or club environment and you need the influence of alcohol to relax you and help you be less uptight.

Two, you’re self-conscious about being the sober one in the bar while everyone else is drinking and you don’t want to look or act like the odd man out.

Let’s talk about the first one.  If you don’t feel comfortable when you’re out in a bar or club, or you just can’t seem to mingle with the crowd, you should really consider not going to bars or clubs anymore.  Your body is telling you something.  There are plenty of other great things you can do in the evenings besides going to a crowded bar and standing around feeling like you don’t have anything in common with the people there.  But if you feel like you need the influence of alcohol to help relax you in EVERY social situation, that’s another issue altogether and something you need to deal with separately by putting yourself out there and opening up to new people every single day.

Now let’s talk about the second one, and that’s really the heart of the matter.  If you do genuinely enjoy going out and being social in bars and clubs, but you just want to cut out the drinking part of it, here’s what you do: you cut out the drinking.

Just get a glass of something nonalcoholic and hold it in your hand.  Drink a coke.  Drink club soda with lime.  It doesn’t matter.  Nobody is going to ask you what you’re drinking. On the off chance that someone does (and it will probably be another guy), just casually tell them you’re having a club soda and change the topic.

What’s really holding you back is that self-conscious feeling of being a little bit different from the rest of the crowd.  That somebody will look at you like you’re from another planet if you tell them you’re not drinking.

Here’s what I think about that: forget about the rest of the crowd.  You do whatever you feel like doing and you don’t look back.  So what you’re not holding a vodka tonic in your hand while you’re going around meeting people?  Trust me, there are plenty of people in the place who are also not drinking, especially women.  The more upscale and fun the venue, the more likely it is that other people are not getting drunk.  Just avoid those crappy little bars where the only activity in the place is to stand around getting completely hammered.  That’s just no fun.

So drink whatever you want to.  People are not standing around the bar talking about the fact that you’re not drinking alcohol.  Honestly, nobody cares.  When you see somebody standing at the bar only drinking water, do you start whispering to the people around you, “Hey, that guy over there is only drinking WATER!!”  Of course you don’t.  That would be weird.  But when it comes down to ourselves, we think that everyone around us is talking about us.  Trust me, nobody is talking about the drink you’re holding in your hand.

It’s far cooler to be the level-headed sober guy at the end of the night than the obnoxious drunk stumbling around with beer stains all over his shirt.

David is out in Chicago today at his final Communication Seminar of the year! If you missed it but wanted to attend, don’t worry. There will be more coming next year, so stay tuned.

You know I always love giving you guys advice on how to handle going out on the weekends, making sure you have a good time, and being able to make sense of it all. The reason I can give you the insight is because I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to go out on Friday and Saturday nights chasing women around, collecting phone numbers, not getting anywhere, and generally not having a very satisfying time by the end of the night.

But every once in a while, I still get swept up into the Saturday night fever myself. I still get sucked into the same traps, standing around in some bar, talking to some woman I just met over blaring music, not being able to hold any sort of real conversation, wondering, “Why the hell am I here?”

Last weekend, I took a trip out to Montreal with some good friends. We were five guys all together, no women in our group. All around, the weekend was terrific. Friday night? Amazing. We had a great meal and saw some cool live jazz in town. Saturday during the day? Had a great time walking around, meeting people, eating some great food, sitting out in the park, and checking out some of the sights.

How To Meet Women At Night

But then…by the time Saturday night rolled around, everybody started getting nightclub fever. It’ like as a single person you’re led to believe that on Saturday nights you’re supposed to go out to a bar or a nightclub. That’s just what you’re supposed to do. So we all met in the lobby, everybody wearing the same collared shirt, jeans, and black shoes combo. The infamous wolf pack. I wanted to kill myself before the night even started—way too many dudes in the same group. I’ve been in the situation many, many times before and I saw where it was headed: a whole lot of nowhere.

Now don’t get me wrong: I did end up meeting some cool people and generally having a good time, just because that’s my nature and I’ll have a good time wherever I go, but a couple of my buddies were so stressed out from the night. One guy kept wanting to go to a strip club. Another guy didn’t drink and didn’t want to hang around drinkers. Another kept texting his girlfriend every 15 minutes. Another hadn’t been laid in years and was totally unsuccessful in his attempts to chase down women. Everybody was in a different place in their heads and nobody was getting anywhere.

The fact is you don’t have to go out to a bar or club to meet single women. It’s not true at all. If you want to, great! I like a nice bar. I really do. But if you’re going out on the weekends, it’s frustrating you, and you keep repeating the same pattern over and over, you need to stop going to those places. You need to reevaluate what you’re doing and where you’re going. It’s time for some change. There are plenty of places you can go on a weekend night where you will meet a lot of other single people that don’t involve massive amounts of overpriced vodka, pumping techno music, and people standing around posing in their club gear. More to come on some fun alternative places for you to go on weekend nights in a future blog…

I say this ALL the time before we go out for the evening at our boot camps and seminars, and I’ll say it again: If you don’t actually like to go out at bars, don’t go out at bars to try to meet women. Don’t do it. Just like if you don’t like to read books, don’t hang around Barnes and Noble trying to meet women. If you don’t like basketball, don‘t get basketball season tickets to try to meet women at games. You get the picture…

Now get out there, have a great time this weekend, and enjoy one of our last weekends of summer!

As some of you guys who’ve been following the blog lately may know, I’ve been in New York apartment hunting the past few days. It’s my old stomping ground, so while I’ve been here, I’ve also been going out a lot catching up with old friends.

I was out at a bar last night with a friend in the West Village, sitting at the bar having a late dinner. We were there for about an hour. While we were there, I saw a guy walking around talking to basically every woman or group of women who were standing or sitting around the bar.

Now this guy was full of energy, really chatting up every woman in sight, using a lot of hand gestures and getting everybody to laugh and so forth. It looked like he was really having a good time. But then, on probably three occasions, I saw him pull his phone out and take down a different woman’s phone number each time. And I wasn’t there for very long—I left around 11pm before the place got too packed—so I’m sure this guy ended up taking down more phone numbers than that.

So this guy probably ended up with about four or five phone numbers by the end of the night. I never understood that. When I’m single and I’m going out, I never need any more than ONE PHONE NUMBER. That’s it. One good number from the one woman that I have the best connection with, and who I’m most interested in. This is why I basically never have a bad first date. Why on earth do you need to take down five or six phone numbers in one night?

There could only be two possible reasons why you need that many numbers.

How To Get A Womans Phone Number

One, you are planning on going out on four or five different dates. Have fun with that. Do you know how tiring and time-consuming that is? If you’re going out on that many dates, it’s completely mentally draining. I’ve done it. I could never give each woman my best, because as the week progresses, I’ve already talked myself silly and my head is in a daze trying to keep my stories straight about which woman said what. And I always got them mixed up. Not to mention, if you’re spending that much time dating, you’re basically doing nothing else. Your “hobby” is going out with a different woman each night and you’re not making yourself any more interesting that way.

The other possibility is that you’re taking down a bunch of phone numbers because you already know that 90% of them are not going to call you back. So you call all the numbers you collected and you’re lucky if one of them agrees to go out with you. The others just gave you their number because they felt pressured into it or because they wanted to end the conversation and go back to their friends. If this is happening to you, you really need to start working on having better conversations, making yourself more memorable, and making better connections with the women you’re meeting.

So how do you do this? When you’re going out, talk to anyone and everyone you want to. I’m all for that. But don’t ask for a woman’s phone number just because you talked to her for 5 minutes. Make the conversation the goal, not the phone number. Before you go out, tell yourself that you’re looking for one good connection tonight and when you find that, then you get the digits. Get the phone number when there’s potential chemistry. Get the phone number when you’ve bonded over something, when you find out something about her, and when you find out that you have something in common that you can talk about when you call her later.

One good phone number, that’s it guys.

You take a deep breath. You sigh, say, “Well . . . maybe not tonight, I’m comfortable right now. I’m cozy in my house.” So you get undressed slowly. Maybe wash up a bit, run a bubble bath. You slip into your pajamas, maybe slip on your little shorts and a comfy oversized t-shirt.

Now you’re starting to get in the mood a bit. You put on some soft music, dim the lights down, and you say to yourself, “Hmm . . . maybe I’ll get my toys out tonight and have a little fun. I’ll go out next week to meet someone special, but for tonight it’ll just be me and my electronic toys to keep me satisfied.”

So there you are, another night, home alone with your electronic toys.

But as you’re home alone stimulating yourself with your toys, you start to think how you’re almost addicted to the whole thing. It’s just easier than the effort you have to put in to go out and get some real human contact. “This is ridiculous,” you say to yourself. “I really need to stop relying on these toys to satisfy my needs. I should really force myself to go out, meet new people, find someone who I connect with, and then I wouldn’t be so electronic-toy-dependent.”

So you stare at the toy you’ve got in your hand and think to yourself how you can stop using this thing. It’s always so fun with it. It allows you to dream and to fantasize in any which way you want. So how do you break up with it?

Two Guys With Man Vibrators

You need to say to your toy, “How do I stop you from sucking me into your world? Damn you, electronic toy! You’re killing my social life, and it’s time for me to cut you off! I don’t care if I can play golf as Tiger Woods, and I don’t care if I can be Michael Vick in Madden NFL. You’re killing my chances and meeting people. Damn you, X-Box, stop sucking me into this electronic world!”

If you’re one of those guys that gets stuck in electronic gamer-land and you’re frustrated about your social life, it’s time your really started limiting your electronic toy time and went out to meet some new people. There is no X-Box game that teaches you how to meet women. There’s no X-Box game where you can go and practice your conversation skills with women. Really the only thing your X-Box does is ruin your chances at becoming a social person, you’re allowing yourself to rely on your electronic crutch so much that you don’t even care about the real world out there that’s so much more fun to play in.

So the next time you get the urge to mentally masturbate inside your X-Box, I suggest you go out and start talking to people instead. Every time you’re about to reach for the electronic toy, head out instead and break that X-Box habit.

So many men and women head to the bars on a Friday night with some really high expectations.

Not only that, with some really bad advice on how to meet each other.

So I called Shogo up and since he was and still is a Bartender in one of the nations hippest cities, he would be the man to give all of you some great advice to succeed in bars.

Or as so many people call it. Night Game.

When I hear the term night game I picture lights like in a baseball park over your head and a crowd of fans cheering you on.

Every Friday, we will explore the magic of nights.

Without any more fanfare here is Shogo’s thoughts for today.

Hey guys, Shogo here.

As you regular readers of the blog know, David Wygant is not the biggest fan of going out to bars and getting drunk on the weekends just to meet new people. And to be quite honest, I agree with him. If you’re looking to meet new people to go on dates with, to find someone you actually connect with and have something in common with, bars and clubs may not be the best place for you to do that. It really depends on the person. Plus, getting wasted on $10 vodka tonics just to get up the courage to talk to some girl or have some drunk dude hit on you in a crowded sweaty room doesn’t exactly scream “romance.”
But I do know that for a lot of us, especially the younger generation, going out on the weekends is just another part of being a social person. It’s another way to get out there, to gain confidence in yourself, to practice your communication skills, and really just meet a variety of new people.

Approach This Woman, Do You Have The Game To Do It?

Guys, I’ll let you in on something: a bar is not my favorite place to hang out, but I’ve been going out to bars for a long time, all over the world. I’ve been a bartender. I’ve managed bars. I know the ins and outs. I haven’t cracked any secret code, and I don’t have a miraculous system for you to memorize. What I have is a TON of real-world experience and knowledge to share with you guys to really help you make sense of the “Friday Night Bar Scene” that can often be very confusing and intimidating. And with all the information circulating on the internet, sometimes it can just get even more

So we’re starting a new tradition here on the blog! Each and every Friday, to get you guys ready for the weekend, I’m going to give you tidbits of real information designed to help you understand and navigate the waters of the weekend bar scene. Feel free to share your own experiences, you can react, you can add to what I say, and feel free to disagree with me too. I’m looking forward to reading your comments!

You know it’s funny, every time I’m out with clients at a bar, they inevitably ask me what my “strategy” is for meeting people at a loud noisy place full of drunk people. I’ve never had a strategy. Never needed one. My only “strategy” is to be a little different than everyone else.

How do I do this? How do I act different? When I go out, I’m friendly to everyone. If you’re friendly with everyone, you actually are being different. If you’re friendly, you’re going to have a good time and people around you will start to open up to you.

The bar scene really is a very odd phenomenon. For some reason, people get the urge to become unfriendly the minute they walk into a bar. Friday Happy Hour, everyone’s having fun and being cordial. Friday night at the restaurants, people are having a good time and socializing. Then all of a sudden, once 10 pm hits and people get all dressed up and set foot into bar or club—BAM! Like clockwork, people start getting all tense and take on a fake air of coolness.

People huddle in their groups and get a really stiff, serious face. I call this the “Friday Night Game Face.” Guys and girls both, we’re all guilty of this. We have to put our game faces on, because, God forbid anyone catch us off guard not appearing ridiculously, ridiculously good-looking. God forbid we let loose a little and actually have a good time.

The truth is that we all want to have a good time when we’re out. We all want to let loose and meet new people. We all want to be approached. What’s really going on here is that most people are just insecure and afraid to make the first move. Everyone’s afraid that if they fail, they’re going to look stupid in front of the crowd. Everyone’s egos are so inflated on Friday nights that it’s suffocating.

Last weekend I went out with two clients to a large bar that had a lot of dancing. Inevitably they asked me what kind of strategy we should use, even after I told them that our strategy is called “be friendly and have a good time.” With that I walked over to two girls and introduced myself. One of the girls mumbled something and immediately pulled out her iPhone and started furiously texting away. I looked at her, looked at her friend with a smile and a wink, and said, “Well, I’ll talk to you guys later,” and turned away. I turned to my clients and said, “No biggie, those girls just had their Friday night game faces on. Let’s go find some friendly women.” And we did. But lo and behold, about 15 minutes later, the same two girls ran up to us like they were our best friends and we all had a great time.

What really happened here was that these two girls actually wanted to talk to us. They wanted to get to know us, but most people have their game faces on and are just not friendly. They just needed someone to show them that there are friendly people who don’t care about the competitive weekend bar attitude and who they can just let loose and have fun with. They probably went to the bathroom together and said, “Hey, that guy who approached us actually seemed really nice. He was confident and he wasn’t pushy. Let’s go talk to him!”

So what do you need to do this weekend? You need to leave all that game face crap at the door. Understand that people may look unfriendly, they may look like they don’t want to be approached, but it’s really just an act. You need to take the initiative and show others that it’s ok to come out and take off the game face. Be friendly right from the get-go. Smile. Show that you’re not in competition for “who’s cooler than who,” that you don’t really care about all that and you’re just having a good time and out to meet new people.

Every time someone asks me this, all I can picture is this giant chicken wing dripping with buffalo sauce running around next to them. I picture them constantly having to clean off their shoes from all the buffalo sauce that is dripping off their wing.

So is it better to run with a wing or to run by yourself? The answer is that it is always better to run by yourself.

If you’re by yourself, then it’s like you are the complete master of every conversation. If you run with a wing, then all of a sudden you are opening up your conversations to someone else.

That someone else will jump in your conversations and might even end up dominating the conversation. Even worse, they might end up turning off the very person you are trying to intrigue because they aren’t listening.

If you are having a great conversation with a woman, your wing might end up feeling neglected and want to leave. I’ve seen women wings do that all the time. A woman will having a great time talking to a guy in a bar, and the woman wing will get annoyed and start tugging on the woman telling her that they need to go somewhere else.

Meet Women With Wings

I’ve seen so many wing scenarios go badly. So it’s much better to go alone.

Going alone also forces you to learn to speak with people when you are alone. You don’t want to just stand in the corner by yourself. Going it alone forces you to go out there and communicate with people.

So going alone is something all of you need to do. It’s something I personally really enjoy. My best conversations always happen when I go out alone.

Anyway, it was funny. I was watching this group of girls sitting right behind us. They were just talking and having a good time.

Then I see these guys come over to talk to them. It was really funny. The first guy came over, walked up to the girls, and he was Mr. Crash And Burn Man.

He walked over and said, “How is everyone doing tonight?” He had a lot of energy.

It almost felt like he took a moment to think about what he was going to say, but the only so-called clever thing he could think of was ‘how is everyone doing tonight.’ So the girls looked at him and mimicked his energy saying, “We’re doing great tonight! How are you?”

The next thing you know, he hits the eject button. I watched him run away like a scared little boy. He literally walked away, and I was cracking up as I witnessed this.

Bye Bye You Bore Me

So at that moment, and knowing human nature as well as I do, I knew that he would go back and try again, because he was in that “what he was doing right and wrong” mode. About fifteen minutes later, he went back to the women’s table and brought his wing man with him.

The wing man was what we call the monkey with the tambourine. So Mr. Monkey goes back with Mr. Crash And Burn Man (aka the guy who failed miserably), and Mr. Monkey basically just entertained the girls for about five minutes.

I watched the women’s reaction to this. They were laughing at first. Then they started getting annoyed because this wing guy, who obviously thought he was good at meeting women, basically wasn’t going to ask questions or really engage in conversation. All he was doing was entertaining them.

He was what I call the monkey with the tambourine because he was nothing more than a performing animal. He went through this five minute speech (all of which I didn’t get to hear), and all I saw was the women’s interest level dissipate.

Finally after five minutes of talking and not listening, the conversation got dull and boring. The monkey with the tambourine guy basically shot his entire load in those five minutes, and so both guys left.

I walked over to the women and said, “So how did the interaction go with the monkey with the tambourine? He was the wing man, and the other guy is the typical good-looking guy who has absolutely no game.”

They were cracking up, and proceeded to tell me that these guys had no clue at all. I asked them what would have worked for them. They looked at me and said, “How about a normal conversation? He brought his wing man over, and it did not work because he really did not listen at all. All he did was perform.”

What happens is that a lot of guys think they are getting this right, when in reality they are getting this kind of reaction from women. I don’t care where you are, it’s still about starting a conversation based on an observation.

About an hour later we were having dinner, and they came over to our table. They sat down, talked to us, and asked for advice about their love lives.

The bottom line is that a successful approach and conversation is all based on a simple observation. One of my favorite ways to meet women in a bar is to watch other guys crash and burn, and then walk over to them. Say with a big smile, “What did that guy say to you? He ran away like he was leaving the scene of an accident. What was the funniest thing he said?”

Everyone enjoys talking about Mr. Crash And Burn Man. Be careful, however, not to get all into your heads about this right now. At least crash and burners are trying.

Most of them just don’t look deep enough to realize what they are doing is wrong, and that is why they keep crashing and burning. They are not working on their social skills.

It’s all about trying, tweaking and understanding what you are doing wrong. Maybe the next time you crash and burn, grow some balls and walk back over to the women. Say, “Okay I failed at my attempt to intrigue you. What could I have done differently?” You will be amazed at how receptive she will be and how amazing that conversation can be.

Does anyone know what an “entrance man” is?

A lot of guys always wonder how to really be successful when they go out to a bar. A lot of women wonder about this as well actually. Honestly, it’s all about how you make your entrance.

When you walk into a bar for the very first time, you really are just walking into a live show. People are looking around, wondering what to do and looking for things to talk about with people.

So if you walk into a bar and you see somebody that you know, then you need to walk over there and act like you haven’t seen that person in ten years. Give them a big hug or kiss (or whatever it might be) and look really excited by it. What happens when you do that is that you create intrigue and attraction.

People will be wondering about you. They will be thinking, “who is that person who made this grand entrance into the room?”

if you look around a typical bar, most people have the exact same look about them. They have their hands in their pockets swaying back and forth, and are sitting there wondering what to do and say.

So being “entrance man” is really important. It’s all about creating attraction and intrigue.

That is why whenever I walk into a place, I find someone I can connect with right away. I always stand right in the middle of the bar, and talk and have a good time with my friends. I smile. I laugh. I look around and make eye contact with other people. I have complete control of my situation and my surroundings.

Most guys don’t do that. Most guys walk into a bar and head right to the corner. They become “corner man,” where they are basically hanging out in the corner all night long wondering what to do, what to say, and how to talk.

If you’re going to go to a bar at night, then you stand right in the center of that bar with your friend and have a good time. Let other people become attracted to you!

Yes, notice what other people are doing and when other people are looking at you. When someone is looking at you, you make sure you acknowledge them. Smile at them, and then wave them over.

You are going to do all of this because you’ve become “entrance man,” and you’re the center of attention now. That’s exactly why I wait and hang out in the center of the bar — because I am always allowing other people to become attracted to me.

You stand there and spend your entire night just lurking. You don’t really talk to anybody. You never look like you are having much fun.

Maybe a woman will come into the area where you’re standing every so often. You will start a conversation with her that lasts for about fifteen seconds. You smile while you’re having that conversation, but yet she leaves. Every time this happens you wonder, “Why is she leaving?”

She leaves because you are the lurker! You are the guy who is lurking around, not looking confident, and not looking like you are having fun.

Does that describe you? Are you that person? Are you that lurker?

If you are, then you need to really start working on yourself. Here’s why . . . and here’s exactly how you come off to women when you are a lurker.

When you go out to a bar and lurk, the longer you do it the more it repels people. Women notice guys who are standing there doing absolutely nothing but looking around and lurking.

The lurker is usually the guy who is always looking around. He never really looks at his friends. He may technically be talking to his friends, but his eyes are always wandering and looking elsewhere. His head looks a little like Linda Blair in The Exorcist — it’s always spinning around wondering where the women are.

It’s almost as if he is thinking, “Where is the girl? Where is the girl? Where am I going to find her?” The problem is that when you are the lurker, there is no way in the world you are going to have the guts to go and talk to her — even if you do find her.

You have to start figuring out who you are when you go out at night. One of the best exercises you can do is to go out to the bar and identify yourself through observing other people.

Are you the lurker? Are you ‘entrance man?’ Whom in the bar are you like?

When you find that person you are like, take some time and watch ‘yourself.’ See how you act. See how you come off to people. See how people respond to you.

If you are not successful in a bar, then you probably are a lurker. So go ahead and watch ‘yourself’ as the lurker — watch a fellow lurker so you understand why you are not having much success.

Connecting with women is very simple. Make an observation, react, talk about the observation further. Speak with clarity, conviction and confidence. It is no different in a bar than anywhere else.

I don’t write about bars that often, but in reality they are a blast. They are a blast when you understand the dynamics of human communication. If you are a lurker, though, you don’t get it yet.

So look in the mirror. If you are a lurker, admit it and go seek medical help. Okay, you probably don’t need medical help — but you do need to seek my help!