Hey Shogo,

I’ve been practicing what I’ve learned from you—using conversation skills, observations, etc—and I’ve become good at starting casual conversations in a very non-threatening manner.  But from the reactions I get with women, I sense that I am giving off more a friendly vibe as opposed to a sexual vibe. I’m not trying to make a girl wet on the spot, I just don’t want to give the impression that I’m looking for a friend.  I frequently gave a big friendly smile when striking up these conversations and I get a good reception, but I feel like a big puppy dog and I can feel the lack of sexual tension.  So how can I use my smile, body language, tone, mindset, etc. to demonstrate my (not-so-friendly) intentions when approaching women? Thanks Shogo!

Jason, Grand Rapids, MI

Hey Jason,

I can tell from your first sentence what your issue is.  You’re too concerned about approaching women in a very nonthreatening manner.  That’s really what so-called “approach anxiety” is all about when it comes down to it.  It’s not wanting to come across as a threat, not wanting to disturb the person you’re talking to, and not wanting to be seen as a jerk or a pervert.

The irony is that almost every single guy who is worried about being too threatening or coming across as a jerk is almost never threatening or a jerk.  What happens is that you suppress yourself so much in your conversations with women that all you’re really doing is suppressing your sexual edge.

Hiiiiii! It's Me!

Now that doesn’t mean that you have to read a seduction book and infuse sexual words in your conversations or try to make a woman think sexual thoughts by touching her or sending subliminal messaging or whatever.  That is creepy.  And perverted.

The woman you’re talking to is either going to think sexual thoughts about you or she is not.  You can’t change chemistry and you can’t change the way a woman imagines you.  But you can change the way that you think and the way that you feel about yourself, so that when you come across the right woman down the road who senses your energy, sparks will fly and she will get turned on by you.

What you want to do is start conversations in a very casual manner, not in a nonthreatening manner.  Forget about trying to be nonthreatening.  Jason, I’ve talked to you on the phone, you already are a nonthreatening guy.  You have a great vibe and a friendly demeanor.  The problem is that you are most likely afraid of confrontation, and that’s where your edge comes from.

Now this is a big topic, but I’ll touch on it briefly.

You need to develop that sexual edge.  Stand your ground.  Don’t be afraid of coming across a little offensive.  Don’t be afraid of being abrasive.  Don’t be afraid of expressing what you are really thinking during the conversation.  She’s a big girl, she can handle it.  The more you start letting your sexual thoughts out, the more you will start owning your own sexuality and you won’t be letting your penis control every decision you make.

The big puppy dog smile is ok, as long as you’re being real.  But the puppy dog smile is not ok when you’re doing it to mask what’s playing out behind the scenes.

What is happening is that you’re too wrapped up in coming across as nonthreatening that you’ve completely forgotten about saying what is really on your mind.  We’re all a little dirty, we’re all a little perverted in our own minds.  Men and women both.  Be comfortable with it.  Let those thoughts dance around in your head for a little bit, then let them out.  That way, when the time is right you’re going to turn that Golden Retriever puppy smile into the sly Doberman that’s never had a trip to the vet smile.

It’s all in your mindset–body language, smile, tone, all that will follow–but you have to change your mindset first and foremost or you will come across as very contrived and pick-uppy.

So David asked if I wild like to do a sequel to my blog post “Why Nice Guys Lose At Dating”. This blog is about the “Good Guy”.

So who is the Good Guy? Well, he’s like a bad boy in a lot of ways. He’s confident, sure of himself and he knows what he wants and he goes after it. He doesn’t care what others think about him because they don’t matter. He knows he’s sexual and he knows how to use it.

But how is a Good Guy different from a Bad Boy then? The Good Guy acts out of a place of service and love while Bad Boys acts selfishly.

Have I confused you yet? Good.

I know that I wrote before that “Nice Guys” are looking to please everyone. They constantly let others use them and just do whatever they can to be as inoffensive as possible. Nice Guys need validation. You could say Nice Guys are always looking to serve people. When I say Good Guys act out of love and service, am I not just saying the same thing?

No.

The big difference is that Good Guys know that they are a gift to the world. They know deep down that they are awesome and that they are here on this planet to share that awesomeness with others. They serve others by being their awesome selves. They don’t look to please others because they already know that just by being themselves they are truly giving others what they need. Good Guys aren’t afraid to shine and they hope that they can bring out the best in everyone around them. Good Guys know that there is abundance in life and try to spread the wealth because he always knows he’ll get his.

Some people get uncomfortable when they see someone being extraordinary. The Good Guy isn’t concerned with them. In fact, the Good Guy knows he’s on the right track when some people are uncomfortable.

The Good Guy goes with the flow because life doesn’t worry him. When bad things happen, he knows that he can handle it and that everything will work out. He has no fear because there is no need for fear. What’s there to be afraid of when you know that life is filled with abundance and that everything will work out well?

Notice how I haven’t said anything about knowing how to “pick up” women? Or “escalate” sexual tension? Good Guys don’t need to “pick up” women or “escalate” anything. Women are drawn to them and if there is chemistry between them, the sexual energy flows naturally. No resistance, no awkwardness, just two people coming together and giving themselves to each other freely.

This Good Guy seems pretty amazing eh? Almost like the perfect man that no one can ever be. The good news is that you don’t have to be perfect. Just striving to be the Good Guy will make you the good guy — and irresistible to women.

So stop being “nice”, love yourself and your life and start being Good! Beautiful women will take notice.

So, lately I’ve been hearing a lot of guys making the “observation” that women always say they want a “Nice Guy” but then end up with the total jerk. In my circles, this is one of the most common reasons why guys think they don’t get dates. They’re nice guys with “principles” and treat women with “tons of respect” only to have them say they only want to be friends. The “Nice Guy” always follows this up with “Well, women aren’t logical and do really dumb things and this jerk is going to treat her way worse than I would treat her.” And we can’t forget “Well, I’m a nice guy, that’s who I am and I won’t change into a jerk for her, that’s just not who I am.” I’ve heard this over and over again and I’ve probably thought this way myself once or twice.

Well, guess what? This whole “Girls don’t date nice guys” is true. Women don’t want a “Nice Guy”. They may say they do, but what they really mean is that they want a GOOD guy.
What’s the difference? Well for starters, Nice Guys aren’t actually nice. A Nice Guy is a guy who doesn’t think enough of himself to fully take control of his life so he tries to be as accommodating and inoffensive as possible.

Nice Guys And Dating

When he meets a woman he’s attracted to he wants to make sure he does everything he can to please her. He thinks he can do this by constantly asking if she’s okay and getting her to plan dates. The wishy-washy sentence “Oh whatever you want to do?” is the perfect example of this.

See, what the nice guy is actually doing is giving control over his life to the woman. He’s too scared to live his life so he’ll let her do it for him. It’s weak and not just a little cowardly. Women don’t want the power over a man’s life. She wants a partner, a friend, a lover… not someone who she has to make life decisions for. When you’re “nice” you’re really trying to give up the responsibility of living your own life to a woman, trusting she’ll take care of you.
In my books, that’s a pretty jerky thing to do.

I got a message from a woman tonight who told me, “I just wish I could be able to tell from a guy’s online profile whether or not we’ll have chemistry. There must be a simple way to be able to read a profile and know if we’re going to get along?”

Let me tell you something: profiles lie. People write the most ridiculous things in their profiles – I think of online profiles as Fantasyland half of the time.

It’s like an advertisement for a new weight loss pill: “lose 300 pounds in two minutes!” In their online profiles, everybody seems to write things that express who they want to be and not who they really are.

For instance, if someone is in his or her late forties, they always write, “I’m 48, but I’m a young 48. I don’t look like I’m 48.” Nobody thinks that they look like their age. You either look good for your age, or you don’t.

I’m 46 years old, and I look good for my age. I know people who are my age that don’t – and they admit it. Some of us look good for our age, and some of us don’t. It’s the way life is. The way we are depends on the way we take care of ourselves – our exercise routines, our genes, everything.

So stop building yourself up on your profile. Let the reader make a decision based on your photo about if you look good for your age. When you build yourself up like this, you’re setting yourself up for failure. If you say, “I really look great for my age,” and somebody upon seeing your photo disagrees, then you will take it as a personal insult.

Profiles are just fantasy – and often nothing more. People write whatever they want to write. They don’t tell you the truth! If someone is slightly overweight, they aren’t going to tell you that in their profile! They will give you this beautiful picture of who they are.

We’re people, and we all have our faults. We all have flaws. And the only way to find that out is to go out and meet people. If you took the amount of time you spend online dating and actually went out into the real world to talk to people, you wouldn’t go back to spending so much time with online dating.

You can’t make one thing your only resource. You need to do what I call the ’20-20-20-20-20 rule.’ 20% of your life can be online dating, 20% can be meeting men or women in supermarkets, 20% can be meeting them in coffee shops, 20% can be parties… whatever it is.

You have to diversify your portfolio – your dating and people meeting portfolio. If this year, all you invested in was the S & P 500, you’d be down about 20% in the stock market right now.

If you bought real estate in 2005 thinking the market would get better, you’d be down about 40% – 80% right now, depending on the market that you’re in. Life is all about diversification.

The next time that you are angry with the internet, or angry with people in their online dating profiles, ask yourself: are you diversified in the way you meet people? If you’re not, you are never going to meet anybody.

So get out there and diversify!

Today lets spend our Sunday talking about nice guys.

Are you a nice guy that always seems to be in the friend zone.

Todays podcast will open your eyes to say the least.

Click here to download…

Have a great Sunday.