We do it when we eat something bad for breakfast. “Ugh, I shouldn’t have had those greasy eggs this morning, man. They made my stomach feel horrible. I really shouldn’t have had that doughnut. If I didn’t have that doughnut a couple hours ago, I wouldn’t feel this way right now.”

“I shouldn’t have bet on the Jets again. I knew they were going to lose. I’m just throwing my money away.”

You know, we do this every single day in all aspects of our lives. “I never should have made that business investment. I should have made that phone call earlier. I really should have left on time for that meeting. “

It’s in everything. In life, every single one of us has a “should have done that” moment.

“Shouldn’t have dated that person. That’s the wrong type of person for me. Why do I keep dating that type of person?”

“I never should have slept with that person. I can’t believe I did. Why did I call that person back? I know better than that.”

Here’s the deal: If you know better, then why do you continue to do it? The reason why you continue to do it is because you don’t trust yourself. You’ve never really taken the time to get to know yourself and accept yourself.

We all make mistakes, every single day. Every day we make mistakes left and right. That fact is never going to change. But if you want to start minimizing your mistakes, if you want to stop your crazy bad decision-making, what you’ve got to do is start understanding the mistakes that you’re making. And then you’ve got to start recognizing when those same situations start to come up again.

There are too many good things that you can have in your life, too many good moments that you could be experiencing but you’re missing out on them. Every single time you touch a scalding hot pan, you tell yourself that you’re never going to do it again, right? But what happens?

It’s time to wake up. You know better.

Ever use sentences like this: “Some day I want to go to Italy…” “Some day I’m going to change my job.” “Some day I’m going to move.” “Some day I’m going to _____.”

People who use the term “some day” are people who are never going to do it.

Some day is putting something off into the future. And granted, there might be reasons, monetary reasons and so forth, why people put things off, but most of the things that people phrase with “some day” tend to turn into “no day.”

Now let’s reflect back. If you’ve noticed, it’s something I’ve been wanting you to do a lot of this month. I want you to reflect back on you’re your and I want you to think how often and where in your life that you used that term, “some day”?

And think about that over the last year, and two years, and three years.

How often have you used that term, “some day”, and what “some days” have actually turned into todays?

How many things have you said “some day” to that, in the end, never amounted to anything at all?

I want you to think about that for a bit today.

Sirius radio is great because you can just scroll right over the display and it gives you the name of the music that’s playing and the year. And while I scrolled over the song, I realized that With or Without You was a song that came out in 1987.

I remember listening to that song, I was 25 at the time and I had either just gotten broken up with or I had met somebody I really liked and it didn’t work out. I remember thinking to myself, “God, With or Without You, yeah, that’s right, I can make it with or without her. I can survive.”

And then I started thinking to myself what my 20s were like.

So many emotions all the time. When I thought I really liked a woman and she didn’t call me back, I’d freak out for a day or two. I’d go through streaks where I was really good at meeting women and then streaks where I wasn’t.

Why was this happening to me? This is why: I didn’t know who I was.

I was unemployed at certain times, I’d lose jobs for no reason at all – at least I thought it was for no reason at all. But the reason was because I had an attitude problem, but at the time I didn’t think I did.

And I remember that so much of my 20s I’d spent with or without all the things that I thought I needed at the time. It was with or without money: times I had money and there were times I didn’t. With or without women: there were times I had them in my life and there were times that I didn’t.

And every time I didn’t have something in my life I kept saying to myself, “Things are going to be much better when I get more money, things are going to be better when I have more women in my life.”
All the while, I could never be content where I was. I always thought I needed something else, but I didn’t realize the beauty of what the whole journey was all about. The whole span of my 20s was like this. And the beautiful thing about it, and the most amazing thing about it, was I was never going to get those days back again.

Each one of those days was a memory. Yet I didn’t fully embrace or fully enjoy each day.

I remember times where I had no money. I was 23 years old and starving. I had to look through my sofa to find quarters and dimes. I had enough money to go down to the grocery store, the little bodega on the corner of 80th and Amsterdam in New York City. I had just enough money to get a box of pasta and a stick of butter and that was dinner for the next two nights. And I remember thinking to myself, “I can’t wait to have money so I can eat better.”

But in reality, it was the beauty of that moment that I should’ve been appreciating. Nothing lasts forever. Every moment you have is just a fleeting moment, because whether or not you can embrace the lesson that life gives you right then and there, you’ve outgrown that moment. And when you outgrow that moment, what happens? You never get that moment back.

I look back on those days in my 20s and I could easily write 100 blogs about all the things that I went through emotionally. But the real message here and the bottom line is that you’ll never get those moments back. Enjoy wherever you’re at, because that’s exactly where you’re supposed to be right now.
Don’t obsess about what you need in the future, don’t think about how your life is going to be better when you have something else or when you are someplace else. Just enjoy the beauty of where you are right now in your life. Embrace it, enjoy it, and honor it.

Because one day you’re going to be like me and you’re just going to look back and wonder why you didn’t fully enjoy it all the way.

A client of mine recently reunited with a woman he used to have a crush on in high school, after they found each other on Facebook ten years later. They didn’t know each other very well in school, but they hung recently and hit it off.

They had dinner together, then she invited him over to her place for some drinks. He followed.

The woman had a young daughter, and once the daughter went to bed, my client moved in to try to kiss her. She turned her head away, but they continued chatting. My client immediately thought that she rejected him and that he was put in the friend zone, and didn’t make another move.

A little later, she suggested that he sleep on the couch because they had both been drinking. In the middle of the night, the woman came into the living room and got under his covers and laid down with him. Assuming she wanted to hook up, he then started feeling her up.

She pushed his hand away and said she just wanted to cuddle. Then she slept in his arms for the rest of the night.

Foreplay

The next day my client received a Facebook message from her saying that she was sorry about the situation last night, but it’s not something she does with guys right at the beginning.

Ok, let’s break this down:

My client thought he was in the friend zone because this girl did not want to hook up with him and in his mind, she was sending him mixed signals.

Was he in the friend zone? NO. Was she sending him mixed signals? Maybe, but we’ll talk about why that doesn’t matter.

First, you are NEVER in the friend zone on the first date with a woman. You are not friends with a woman on a first date, so you cannot be in the friend zone. Unless you’ve been hanging out with her for a while with no spark, or she says right in the beginning, “I like you better as a friend,” or “Let’s just be friends,” or something like that, you are not in the friend zone.

So, was she giving him mixed signals here?

Let’s dig into how female psychology works. My client assumed that because she invited him over for drinks that she wanted to hook up. Then he assumed that because she offered for him to sleep on the couch that she wanted to hook up. Then he assumed that because she got under the covers that she wanted to hook up.

He was wrong each time.

So if she liked him, why didn’t she want to get physical with him? After all, if you’re attracted to somebody, you will want to have sex, right?

Kind of. The problem with my client is that he was thinking too much like a man. If you’re a typical guy, the only thing on your mind is the shortest point from the tip of your penis to the entrance of her vagina. You’re attracted to a woman, you want to have sex. Period.

Not so fast with women. Sure, just like men, some women will be horny right then and there and are just craving some action. Even for women who are looking for a relationship, she may be really attracted to the guy and act on impulse and sleep with him, and still want a relationship with him later on.

There is no hard rule. Every woman is different, just like every man is different, and it all depends on where they’re at in life.

A young girl in her 20′s may be really concerned about finding the right guy and want to move slowly because she wants to be romanced and to feel special. Another girl in her 20′s may be sexually open or going through a phase where she wants to sleep with a guy right away. Some women are looking for relationships and will hold off on sex until they’re in one. Some women have been burned in the past and don’t want to get hurt again. Some have children and are looking for a guy who is stable and dependable, who will be there when she needs to call on someone for support. Some women have freed themselves up sexually and all they want right now is sex (the infamous “cougar”).

But most of the time, and this is the biggest lesson a lot of guys need to learn if you really want to turn her on, is that YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT SLOW. Emotions and fantasy have to take time to cultivate and they come into play slowly, not overnight. You have to keep your pants on. You have to lead my taking small steps, being the one to end things first and knowing when to leave, letting the sexual tension build, and giving her space.

You have to be patient with the woman you’re with. Just because you’re turned on does not mean that the pants need to come flying off. For a guy, sex is the goal. No sex? Fail. For a woman, intercourse is not the goal. Cuddling counts. Making out counts. Oral sex counts. Feeling turned on and emotionally connected, these things all count as part of the bigger picture. So don’t get discouraged if she tells you to put the breaks on because you’re moving too fast. A lot of times if you get shot down, you need to listen to what she’s telling you. She’s saying she wants to take it slow and get to know you better, not that she doesn’t like you.

You need to let the sexual tension build up, you have to let her feel comfortable and safe around you, you have to let her know that you are actually interested in her as a person, interested in spending time with her, and not only that you want to have sex with her. You make sure that she knows you’re still going to be around for round two, round three, and round four.

So forget about mixed signals coming from a woman. You have to assume that she’s interested in you sexually if she’s inviting you over to spend time with you.

If you make a move and instead she wants to cuddle in bed with you the first time, that’s ok. Let her feel safe around you and build up your trust level.

If it’s the third or fourth time and she’s still pushing you away, you need to man up and ask her what’s up. She may not actually like you. She may have some hang-ups that you deserve to know about. Be up front and open. Tell her you’re into her, that you want to be intimate with her, and find out if she just wants to take things slow or if she’s not actually attracted to you.

But if you’re getting shot down the first couple dates and she still wants to see you again, that’s actually a good thing, not a failure. You’re making progress, you’re being clear with what you want, and it’s time to slow it down and take control by taking smaller steps instead of trying to go from 0 to 100 in one night.

Its time some of you listened and got out of your heads.

No more typing.

Its time to listen and learn.

A lot of you have egos that do not even allow you to meet people at all. So many of you do not even realize how much your ego is stopping you from making changes so you can be happy in your life.

Your ego can be the sole reason why you are alone right now. So today on Columbus day 2011 lets talk about ego and dating.

In life, we tend to try to protect ourselves all of the time with our egos. We spend so much time worrying about everything – someone didn’t text me back quickly enough, someone didn’t email me back yet, someone hasn’t called me back!

Does Your Ego Ruin Your Dates

And then you meet someone who turns you on more than anyone you’ve met in a long time and they don’t respond to an email right away.

First of all, you have to start thinking to yourself, how many times have I gotten a lot of emails? And then you don’t check for a few hours and they just get buried. Or you read an email, you smile, but you’re in the middle of doing something else at work and can’t respond?

Shit happens. Stop standing on principle – you might miss a connection. Your ego gets in the way of so many great things.

If you meet someone and you have great chemistry, it’s worth it to lob in another text or email. You have to be willing to go the extra distance. If you don’t, you might miss out on something spectacular.

The reason why meeting people and dating is so difficult is because we make it that hard. Our egos get in the way all the time. We just don’t go the extra distance.

We say to ourselves, fuck her, man, she didn’t text me back, I’ll go find someone else!

Okay, great, go find someone else. But you thought she was spectacular before. Now you rationalize to yourself that she’s not that spectacular anymore – oh, I didn’t really like her that much anyway.

Yeah, you did! But you spend all of this time convincing yourself that you didn’t, just because she wounded you and you want to save face.

What are you saving face for? Lob in another email or text, or even call her up. She might say, “oh my god, I forgot to respond, I am so sorry, I got so busy at work.”

That ego kills you every time.

A lot of you get nervous around the kind of woman who you would like to date. A lot of you are intimidated and afraid of being rejected.

Here’s the email a recent reader sent me:

Hey David,

Anonymous

In today’s podcast I share with you a quick sneak peek into exactly what Shogo and I would have said to him if we were face-to-face.

Today’s message is all about coming to terms with your past. The past you can never change, so you may as well embrace it. If you’re ready for today’s lesson, click the play button!

And don’t forget to participate by writing in the comments section below!

Click Here To Download Today’s Podcast!

It’s amazing that when we’re unsatisfied in a relationship — feeling like our partner is not satisfying our needs, wants and desires — that we feel afraid to tell them. It’s amazing that we are afraid to be that open, honest, raw and vulnerable with our partner.

Instead, what people do is search for that perpetual carrot.

Say your partner never really comes onto you, even though you’ve told them how important it is to you for that to happen. Then one day, out of the blue, your partner does it. Somehow if someone does something one time, we think to ourselves, “Wow they understand me. They get it.”

That is the carrot. You tell them how great that was and how much you loved it, but then they don’t do it again for two months even though they know how important it is to you.

It’s that perpetual carrot backed up by passive-aggressive behavior. You are probably not doing something that is important to them, and that is their way on a very deep and subconscious level of getting even and keeping score.

Relationship Promises

We do this, and are not really even aware we’re doing it most of the time. It’s just how we react as humans when we’re not getting our own needs met and we’re not fully satisfied.

We react by taking away from someone something they really need, want or desire. We do that in a very passive-aggressive way, and then we’ll throw that carrot out there.

Do you know what the solution is to all of this madness? The solution is to step up to the plate, and be raw and honest with each other about how you feel.

Maybe you can’t satisfy each other, but you’re holding on anyway. A lot of people do this for years — five, seven, even ten years — hoping that the relationship will work.

The bottom line is this: You need to be raw and honest with someone today — right now — if you want to make your relationship work. Stop holding out for the carrot.

I stopped him at this point, and said “Almost a year? Do you realize that self-growth is a never-ending process?”

I want all of you to think about that for one second. No matter where you are in your life today, if you’re somebody that really strives to have an amazing life then you are going to be growing every single day.

Self-growth is a lifetime job. It really is.

It is not a temporary thing you’re going through like getting the flu. There is no temporary self-growth fix. It’s constant.

The Ultimate Mindset

It’s a constant thing that happens in your life. You will always have things that you need to work on, there will always be things that you need to battle, and there will always be things that you need to learn and to embrace.

Self-growth is something I am going to do until the day I die. I’m going to be still growing probably on the day that I die, because I still have a lot of self-growth left to do. That’s life.

So just enjoy where you are in your life right now. If you feel like you’re frustrated, and you wish that the self-growth stage of your life would be over so that you can finally be where you want to be in your life, then I have news for you.

Once you get to where you want to be in life, you will want to be somewhere else — because there is always something else you will need to work on or learn. So just enjoy it.

One of my favorite quotes is one I said to a client a long time ago: “You are where you are in your life because that’s exactly where you should be.”

I want you all to think about that today. You are where you are in your life because it’s exactly where you’re supposed to be.

The way I do it is really easy. I happen to have been born with a zipper on my skull, so all I have to do is peel back my toupee, unzip the back of my head, and crawl out (usually feet first). It’s a really interesting phenomenon to watch me, because I’ll just be there laying on the ground and then all of a sudden I’ll whip my toupee off, unzip my head and crawl right out.

Sometimes I’ll get out shoulders first, then I go heart, then I go stomach, then I go groin, then I go legs. Sometimes if I’m in a really flexible mood, though, I’ll be able to get my legs all the way up to my head.

Okay, obviously I’m kidding about all of this. How do you really get out of your head though?

Dating Head Games

The way I learned how to do it was by writing everything down. I kept a journal, and every day I wrote down like a maniac all my thoughts, fears and insecurities.

When I did that, I found that there was a recurring theme. I would go and try to talk to people. If it didn’t work, I would go and write all my feelings down instead of getting totally inside my head.

I’d write everything down because by getting all my thoughts and fears out of my head, I never remained in my head. I put all that “stuff” somewhere else, and that allowed me to move forward.

The key thing to understand is that when you keep all these thoughts, feelings and insecurities in your head, you tend to over-think things. When you over-think things, there is no way in the world you’re going to be able to react to situations in the right way. There’s no way in the world you are going to be able to meet people.

So the next time you’re in your head, write down what you’re feeling. Get it out. Become self-aware. It’s a great exercise for all of you to do.