I haven’t sat down to watch any new movies in a long time, so decided to click through the Pay-Per-View and the On Demand selection and check out what’s been playing.
I’m going to give you a rundown of some of these doozies I’ve watched.

I watched a movie called “The Dilemma” starring Vince Vaughn. When did Vince Vaughn start looking like Alec Baldwin? He used to be a tall, skinny guy; now he’s become a chubby, young Alec Baldwin lookalike. Anyway, he was in this movie with Kevin James called “The Dilemma.” Here’s the big dilemma that took two hours to finally figure out: Winona Ryder’s character gets caught cheating on her husband by the guy’s best friend. That’s right. Vince Vaughn’s character actually sees it happen. So he spends the whole movie chasing her and her lover around town and can’t decide whether to tell his best friend that his wife’s been cheating. Unbelievable, huh? So the question is, what would you do if you saw your best friend’s wife or girlfriend cheating on him? Would you tell him right away or would you turn it into a really bad two-hour movie?

The next movie I saw — totally unrealistic by the way — was called “Friends with Benefits.” First off, okay: Mila Cunas and Justin Timberlake. That’s about all you need to know about this movie. So, what happened during this amazing two-hour, stretched-out movie that went nowhere and really just had the characters playing out the same topic over and over again? Basically, here’s the deal: Justin Timberlake moves to New York City through Mila Kunis, who recruits him for a job. They become friends, then because neither of them has had sex in a long time, guess what happens? They become friends with benefits. Meanwhile, they get along great. They laugh, they hang out together, they have all sorts of fun and inside jokes, they have sex like animals, and the woman looks like Mila Kunis. Let me ask all you guys: If you got a hot friend who you have an absolute blast with, you like her, the sex is some of the best sex you ever had in your entire life, would you ever leave her as your friend?

So stupid these movies sometimes. They’re just so not realistic. I mean, you’ve got a hot girl who’s incredible to hang out with, you have great sex, and then you just want to be friends with benefits with that? I doubt it. And the ending was beyond cheesy that I’m not even going to give you a spoiler alert warning. Ok, I am going to ruin the very predictable ending for any of you who actually want to waste two hours and watch it…It ended in Grand Central Station with Justin Timberlake singing a song from another artist. Why couldn’t he have just sung Justin Timberlake music to her? I Want My Sexy Back. Or something like that.

So, if you’re going to spend time this holiday season watching bad movies, I strongly suggest you do not watch The Dilemma or Friends with Benefits. I’m sure you’ve already got enough dilemmas in your life, and on top of all of that I’m sure most of you would like to have a friend with benefits, and you don’t need to watch Justin Timberlake fake banging Mila Kunis for two hours.

I don’t care who makes it from the National League, because the Yankees are winning it all this year. You can take that prediction to the bank . . . and maybe even to the bedroom.

Life is not fair.  The other night I was having a conversation with someone about sex. I’m not going to tell you all the specifics, other than to tell you that after that discussion, I was absolutely orgasm envious! So let’s talk about orgasms, and I will tell you the reason why I’m orgasm envious.

By the way, if I could have one wish it would be that I could have a vagina for a day. I just think it would be so much fun. I already know exactly what kind of orgasms I’d want to have. I’d love to know how to have multiple orgasms through all different ways.

I’d want to have a g-spot orgasm. Of course there is the clitoris, so I’d want at least one clitoral orgasm (since the only reason it exists is for pleasure). Then there is this other place way back in the bowels of the vagina that supposedly can create a whole other type of orgasm.

I mean, give me a break. Right there, that’s three different kinds of orgasms! We men only get one kind.

I really don’t, however, want to talk today about the unfairness of orgasm counts between the sexes. What I really want to talk about today is sexual prime.

By the time men hit the age of 25, they are basically out of their sexual prime. Age 25? Half of the guys out there don’t even get laid enough to enjoy their sexual prime while they’re in it. Then by the time they are getting enough sex, they are already out of their sexual prime.

Women, on the other hand, don’t hit their sexual prime until they are around 37 years old. Think about the way that balances out.

By the time a guy is 37 years old, he isn’t exactly producing the same amount of “little swimmers” as he used to produce. Not only that, he doesn’t really want to have sex five times a day anymore (while women at that same age are machines!).

It’s no wonder that 37 year old women are the number one consumers of vibrators. They can basically vibrate their day away.

It’s really not fair the way things line up here. It really seems like things are very askew. It’s no wonder that there are so many cougars running around out there.

If I were a 37 year old woman who was hanging out with a Viagra-infused 55 year old guy with no stamina, I would certainly go find myself a young buck. I mean look at Demi Moore.

Don’t ever give her a hard time. She has a guy who is (whoops, I mean was) in his sexual prime. Wait, she may need to go find someone even younger. Justin Timberlake and Zach Efron, Demi Moore may be calling you really soon.

All joking aside, it just doesn’t seem right how the sexual prime thing is set up. Is this God’s way of punishing us? Someone was being mean when they designed the penis and the vagina. Why aren’t those two things created to be in alignment with one another?

Can all the guys remember when you were 18 and you basically would hump the air every five seconds (almost like a dog that humps the air all the time)? The reason why you were humping air was because you constantly wanted your dick to be touched.

I remember when I was 18 years old. I was so penis conscious, it was ridiculous. I felt my penis nonstop. No, I don’t mean that I touched my penis nonstop. I was just aware of it nonstop.

My penis led my life. It made me sleep with some really iffy women. It wasn’t my idea to sleep with them. It was my penis’ idea.

Not only that, but some guys can’t snuggle with a woman until they hit 28 years old. When you are a male who is 22 or 23 years old and your girlfriend asks you to snuggle, you have to go to the bathroom and snap a load off before you can do it.

This sexual prime gap between men and women just does not seem fair. Something is kharmically wrong here! It’s a mean joke. It’s like our sexual primes should have been matched.

Then again, some of this seeming mismatch may actually have been designed better than we thought. So although a guy past his sexual prime may no longer be able to pump and grind five times in one night, he can really satisfy a woman during the one time they do it and will be more likely to want to engage in a lot more of the foreplay that women crave so much.