“Hey Jim, what is that?” “That’s my iPhone.” Do you get it? It’s like “eye” and “my phone” together — the iPhone!

You know, I think the next thing that should come out to challenge the iPhone should be the EarPhone, because technically all phones go to your ears. Your eye sees the phone, and the ear holds and listens to the phone.

That’s the EarPhone. So somebody please come up with the EarPhone.

What about the LipPhone? Because if you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Your eye sees the phone, your ear listens to the phone and your lips talk to the phone.

So you’ve got the iPhone, the EarPhone and the LipPhone. What’s next?

How about the AssPhone? That is where you get a chip in your asshole and you answer it. It would be interesting. It would probably be kind of muffled if the speaker was up your ass, but then again some of the current smartphones are like AssPhones because they have the worst speakers in the world in them.

It’s funny about these phones. They’re all trying to compete with one another.

You’ve got the BlackBerry, which really isn’t even a BlackBerry anymore. It now comes in all different colors. So why don’t they call the red one a RedBerry and the blue one the BlueBerry and just call it a day.

You have the clamshell phone. I always expected that phone to leak fluid all over me like a real clam would.

These smartphones, though, are hilarious. They’re all trying so hard to compete with each other. They want to jam as much energy into these phones as possible. They’re essentially a computer, a bluetooth and a GPS device all in one phone.

Hell, you don’t need anything anymore because there is an app you can get for anything you could possibly need. It’s amazing — there is an app for everything it seems.

You want a girlfriend or a boyfriend? There’s an app for it. It’s called GirlApp and BoyApp. It’s too much all this, really.

Now tablets are being made all over the place. They call them a tablet, however, to me a tablet was always a hit of Ecstasy or acid. That was a tablet. It’s funny the terms we use and the way we say things.

Now Samsung has the tablet, and the iPad is a pad. It doesn’t really feel like a pad. It feels more like a piece of glass in my hands.

Of course, if you ever buy any of this technology when it first comes out then you’re an idiot. New technology is like a first date — they don’t give you it all. They want to tease you as much as they possibly can.

That is what new technology does. It teases you.

I have an iPad, but I got it for free. I never would have bought it, because I knew that like all Apple products, there would be a second generation product that would be much better.

You can almost hear Apple now saying, “Oh wow, we never thought about having a camera on the first generation iPad.” Yeah right.

They knew about it the first time around, they just wanted to go and make $1 billion selling that. It’s called marketing folks. So that’s why you need to wait for the second generation of anything.

So, as always, what does this rant and rave have to do with dating? Well I just gave you something funny to talk about on a date or when you want to meet someone.

When you see somebody grabbing their phone, you can look at them and say, “Aha! The iPhone that really goes on your ear. So it’s really an EarPhone with lips talking into it.”

See I am giving you hilarious things to talk about — or at least I think they are pretty damn funny. Say someone has a tablet, you can go up to them and say, “God, that is not as powerful as the acid I used to do in college.”

So talk about technology. It’s always easy to talk about how technology keeps getting crazier and crazier.

If you think about it, everything you read here on the blog is a discussion you can have on a date. Of course it is. I’m giving you great date topics of conversation here every day.

So for all of you who email me asking what you should talk about tonight on your date, I say why don’t you talk about this blog? Send my blog to like a thousand people today. I’d appreciate it, and then a thousand more people wold have something to talk about the next time someone whips out their iPhone.

The iPhone – they sound so proud of that name. Very cute Steve Jobs. What a fantastic job when it comes to coming up with new technology. As far as the iPad goes, I can only imagine that what is coming next is is the EarPad and the LipPad.

I feel like Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes right now. Wait, was this just my Andy Rooney moment?

As a matter of fact, I am going to call Apple, and I’m going to get this thing done.
It’s an app that is called “Lower Your Standards Time!”

Picture it. It’s 1:00 am and you’re standing in a bar. You’re drunk. All of a sudden your phone starts going crazy — beeping and vibrating. You look at it, and it says “It’s Lower Your Standards Time!”

“Look, there’s a drunk girl leaning against the bar right now. She just made out with a random guy in the corner. It’s time for you to go over there and get her number. It’s time to lower your standards!”

It is hilarious what we do at 1:00 am. It’s almost like we’re one of Pavlov’s dogs.

It is 1:00 am and you haven’t been successful all night long, so you automatically lower your standards and go for whoever you can possibly get so you can validate yourself that night.

Why? You do it so you can tell your friends you got a phone number. You, however, never tell your friends that it’s the phone number of a woman who was drunk, vomiting at the bar and won’t even remember who you are when you call her.

So, really, I think you know where I’m going with this. Why ever lower your standards?

The only reason why you ever lower your standards is because you don’t have the balls to talk to women to whom you are attracted. You get all full of panic because your ego wants something.

Your ego desires to get a phone number. It validates you that you actually could do something — even if it’s something that totally lowers your standards.

So, you know what? I’m going to have you download this new “Lower Your Standards” app from Apple. That way you can always kid yourself and think that you’re more successful than you really are.

The other option is for you to get on the ball and really start to meet the women to whom you are most attracted. Which option seems better?

CLICK HERE to find out the one way to never again be stuck settling and lowering your standards — and to always CHOOSE the women you want to meet.