Now it’s been a while since I wrote anything about bars and clubs.  To be honest, it’s been a while since I’ve been out to any clubs.  But I’m going to be out on the town this weekend with some friends, so I figured I’ll put you guys in the right mindset with a question that comes from an email I got last week:

Hey Shogo,

Thanks so much for the coaching call yesterday, I got some great advice out of it and can’t wait to put it to use.  One question.  Could you help me out with cock blocks in a bar or club, they can be very annoying and ignorant I find and I’ve been cockblocked now and again.  So what could ya say to the guy to stop?

J, Ireland

Hey J,

Here’s how I feel about cock blocking.  I never get cock blocked.  It just doesn’t happen to me. So what that means is that cock blocking has nothing to do with another guy being an asshole, swooping in and taking “your” woman.  It’s got everything to do with YOU.  You can learn all the quick and witty comeback lines and banter you want to be prepared for a so-called cock block, but it’s not going to stop it from happening to you.

Because cock blocking only happens to certain types of guys.  And it happens to them over and over again.

Guys who are very hesitant about expressing themselves to a woman.  Guys who don’t claim their space.  Guys who keep their distance and are afraid to get close out of fear that he’s offending her or coming across as “giving her the wrong idea”.

When you do that, other guys will notice it and see that there is no chemistry there.  Maybe you just look like friends.  Maybe a guy is an asshole, and sees an opportunity there to come in and take her away.  In any case, she’s clear for the taking to any other swinging dick who walks by.

Cock blocking happens to guys who don’t intrigue women.  If she is interested in you and the conversation you are having, she will stand there and listen to everything you have to say.  When she’s not into you, her eyes will start darting across the room, hoping for her friend or some other more interesting guy to come rescue her.

When that starts happening, you’re done. Nothing can save you.  She’ll pray for someone else to come join the conversation.  She’ll be totally open to starting a conversation and flirting with another guy who’s around her.  And a guy who sees that will jump right in.  Sometimes she’ll start a conversation with another guy.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone up to the bar to get a drink, and a girl standing there will turn and start talking to me while another guy was just in mid-conversation with her.

Then I’d look over her at the poor guy’s disillusioned face and give him a little shrug.  Does that make me a cock-block?  Does that make me an asshole?  No.  It means she was bored to death with the other guy and wanted talk to me instead.  It means the other guy needed some coaching—not on how to deal with cock blocks, but on how to keep her intrigued.  Because I’m no better than the guy who just got shoved out of the picture.  But I’m much better in conversation.

Cock blocking happens to guys who don’t claim their own space and walk over with confidence and start great conversations with women everywhere they go.  Cockblocking happens to guys who talk to one or two women a night, and then CLING onto those conversations like their lives depended on it.

Sound familiar, victim of cock blocking?

You sit in the corner of the bar, waiting for what to say to that one girl you’ve been looking at for the past 45 minutes, then you finally get up the guts to approach her and hope it really works out because this is your one shot for the night.

Instead you try and try and try with that one girl you finally approached, even when there’s no chemistry.  And the more you try with a girl who’s only lukewarm about you, the longer you stand there struggling, the more likely some guy with dimples and a great smile is going to wink at her and jump in to the rescue.

So you’re still asking why you need to start conversations with women everywhere?  This is why.  Because when you start doing that, you will start having an abundance mindset.  You’ll start approaching women everywhere.  When I go out, I talk to girls everywhere.  Quick, 30-second conversations.  If there’s no chemistry, if she doesn’t want to talk to me, I move on.  I don’t stand around in a shitty conversation, struggling to make things happen, and wait to be cock blocked by some guy she likes better than me.

You think you’ve been cock blocked, but you really just cock blocked yourself.

“Embrace change at my own pace.”

I embrace change at my own pace.

You need to really take that statement in and listen to what it’s saying. How many times in a relationship have you talked to someone and given them your point of view, and then expected them to just react right away?

Let’s say you’re dating someone and you’ve been talking a little here and there about moving in together. Then you say to the other person that you want to move in with them and you list all the reasons why it’s a good idea. Do you then expect the other person to immediately respond with an answer? Do you get angry if they don’t immediately react and respond?

So many of us spend so much time wanting people to react the way we react. We want them to react exactly how we react and do it when we want them to do it.

Think about this from a little different perspective. When you are in a relationship and decide you’re ready to bring up a really important subject with your partner, you have almost always spent a lot of time thinking about and processing that topic before you actually bring it up.

Your partner, however, is just hearing about that topic for the first time when you raise it with them, and they haven’t had the benefit of being able to process the subject like you have. So don’t expect them to be ready to respond in that instance.

So many of us spend so much time wanting people to react the way we react. Then if and when they don’t react in that exact way, we start freaking out and playing mind games with ourselves.

I am equally guilty of that. In my relationship, sometimes I will have a conversation with my girlfriend and I’ll say something to her to which I want an answer that day. When I do this, she always says to me, “Give me time. Let me react in my own time.”

So many of us make assumptions. We hear what we want to hear. How many times do you have selective hearing?

Say you call someone on a Saturday. They don’t call you back that day . . . or the next one. Do you text them three times asking, “How come you haven’t called me back? Why aren’t you calling me back?” Perhaps they didn’t have their phone on them.

How many times to do you send an email to someone at 10:00 a.m. and, if you don’t get a response by noon, you send another email asking “How come you never responded to my email?” Allow people to respond on their own time.

When you allow people to respond on their own time you are not only going to get the response you desire (because the answer will come from their heart), but it’s going to be a real response and not a forced one.

People suffocate each other all the time, and they don’t allow each other the space they each need to reflect on these “heavy” conversation topics. When we do that, it’s a reflection of the lack of trust and faith in both the other person and in yourself. That instant gratification you want really can ruin a relationship, because you are forcing someone to answer you when they are not ready.

There is no reason to force people into answering when they’re not ready. There is no reason to make someone say something they’re not ready to say.

Have some patience in life. The more patient you are in a relationship, the greater a relationship with someone will be. So many of you ruin relationships that could potentially be great because of the way you force it.

If you give people time, then a relationship will grow and become exactly what you need it to be. You need to have trust and faith, because neurosis will just drive people crazy.

In today’s podcast, I talk more about communication and about how bringing up these heavy conversation topics can create fear and anxiety in all of us. Then I go into how to relax and feel better about talking out the tough times in your life with friends, relationship partners and business associates. This is one you don’t want to miss!

Click here to listen now:

Also, if you want to learn how to completely transform your mindset and learn how to become a master communicator in your dating and relationship life, then be sure to check out my Men’s Mastery Series and my Women’s Mastery Series.