To me, I see comedies that are re-formulated as sequels as basically
trying to have a one-night stand with a woman you’re no longer dating.
The first movie was a relationship. The second movie just doesn’t
work. It’s just not as exciting, not as unpredictable and not as fresh
as it was the first time. Or the other way: Ever try to turn a
one-night stand into a relationship or into a regular booty call? It
just doesn’t work. That’s the reason why they’re called one-night
stands. That’s the reason why movies are called movies. They’re not
called sequels; they’re movies for a reason, a one-shot, one-deal
movie is far better. Show me new gags. Don’t show me the same stuff
all over again.

Hangover Part 2

“The Hangover Part Two” sounds awful. I won’t be seeing that nor, if I
were single again, would I turn any one-night stands into trilogies.
Can you imagine that? “One-Night Stand, the Sequel.”

It is called one night stand for a reason. Not two-night stand, not
three-night. And the only comparison to “The Hangover” is that most of
the time you are left with a bad hangover the next day!

What really sucks, and is one of the worst things to me, is when one of your favorite restaurants closes down for a week and this happens. You think that when it reopens it is going to be new and improved, but when you go back it is just not like it was. It looks exactly the same — same paint, same tacky artwork and same waitstaff — but something is just not right.

So we ate there last night for the first time after its reopening. When our food came, it looked a little different. It tasted a little different. You think to yourself, “That’s okay that it’s a little different. I’m sure they know what they’re doing.” The truth was, though that the food tasted kind of . . . bad.

In fact, the food was consistently bad from appetizer to entree. So when the waitress asked if we wanted dessert, I told her we were finished (with that meal and coming to that restaurant to eat period).

I just didn’t feel good afterwards. I took a walk on the beach and didn’t feel good. Then I went to sleep, and when I got up I still didn’t feel good.

There’s nothing like a dinner that stays with you until the next day. Some people have an instant trigger mechanism for that kind of thing. I tend to let it poison me for a day.

So on this beautiful Saturday, I’m left with a big headache. You thought I was going to say I was throwing up. Well my stomach doesn’t feel great either, but it’s the headache that’s really bothering me. I’m officially suffering from the “my favorite restaurant has turned bad” hangover.

So now on to today’s scintillating blog, which is going to be short. Most of you have A.D.D. today anyway since it’s Saturday, so a short blog is a good thing.

Last night, Kristen sent me a text with a great quote from one of last year’s most dubious non-award winning movies, “21.” I want to know how this quote makes you feel, and whether you live your life this way. Because if you don’t live your life according to this quote, then you’re actually missing life.

So, without further drumroll or teasing, here is today’s quote: “Yesterday’s history.  Tomorrow’s a mystery.  It’s all about what you do in the moment.”

How does this relate to your life? Do you live this life? do you want to live this way . . . or are you someone who’s future thinking and past thinking?

You take six days off work, and when you wake up the first morning you’re going back to work you are pissed. You’re pissed not because you’re going back to work, but because you’re just not ready for the barrage of emails, that first stupid question of the day . . . or even for oatmeal. That is what I call the holiday weekend hangover.

All of us know exactly how this feels. It’s the worst kind of feeling in the world, especially for people in this country who don’t get enough vacation time. Can you imagine how it is in Europe? How does that holiday hangover feel after being off of work for the entire month of August?

It’s really not fun. I’ll tell you, though, at least you’re in one piece and an affair didn’t bite you in the ass.

When are professional athletes, actors and politicians going to get it? What do they need to get a wakeup call? How many more of them have to die with their dicks in their hand to finally realize, “Hmmm…I’m a high profile person, so maybe I shouldn’t be cheating on my wife with a hot-tempered 20 year old.”

I was a huge Steve McNair fan. He was a battler and a competitor. He did great things for the community. Hanging out with a woman from Dave & Busters when you have four kids, however, isn’t a great move.

They are calling his death a homicide. They are not calling Sahel Kazemi’s death a homicide. Hmmm, can we put the pieces together ourselves? We’ll wait for the Nashville Police Department to tell us it was a murder-suicide.

It just really bothers me, the idea of someone deciding they have the power to take someone’s life. I’m not going to sit here and talk about handgun control, when really it could be as simple as penis control.

Cheating can kill you. Forget smoking. I’ve said it before and I’ve said it many times: If you’re not happy in a relationship, man up before you go sticking your penis in another woman’s volatile vagina.

We’ve all heard about women being scorned and seen enough of them get even. How many penises need to be bitten off, and how many men need to be blackmailed or murdered, before you realize that cheating doesn’t pay.

Now, don’t even get me started this morning on prescription drugs. Gee, I think I’m going to take a drug so powerful that when most humans take it they have an anesthesiologist administer it. What are some people thinking?

The world lost two very unique people who made some stupid decisions. I believe everything has a lesson. Learn from these lessons.

Maybe you’re not popping highly addictive pharmaceutical drugs, but maybe you have some other vice that’s slowly killing you. Maybe you’re in a relationship that’s not working and you’re thinking about sticking your penis elsewhere.

Pay attention to the deaths of Michael Jackson and Steve McNair. So many people think these kind of things can never happen to them. I’m sure Michael Jackson and Steve McNair did not imagine their outcomes.

Today’s message, if you don’t already know what it is, is to pay attention to the warning signs and to stop thinking you’re invincible. It could be as simple as to stop texting while you’re driving, because let me assure you that you will eventually get into an accident if you don’t.

It could be your attitude toward alcohol. You might think, “It’s just wine” but have you ever heard the term “wino?” You might be cheating and think she’ll never find out, but you never know what kind of woman you’re cheating with and what she might do.

So, once again, this holiday weekend hangover is brutal! Does anyone got a prescription for it?