So let’s talk about dates and dating this Friday.  I’m sure a few of you have a an exciting date, a hookup, a potential partner, an online date–somebody–that you’re going to meet up and hang out with this weekend.  You may be nervous and wanting to make a good first impression, you may  really be hoping you’re going to get laid, you might just be going through the motions and waiting for your date to make the first move.

Whatever ends up going through your head this weekend, one of the biggest stumbling blocks when you’re out with a new person you barely know is running out of things to talk about.  Even worse if you’re the type of person who runs out of things to talk about so consistently on your past dates that you already fear it’s going to happen on your next date!

Now I’m not talking about having a moment of silence, looking at your date, and understanding how to enjoy that silence.  What I mean is when you go on a date with a new person, talk about some boring topic neither of you really cares about for 30 minutes, then, almost like clockwork,  you have  no idea what to talk about or what to do after that boring 30 minute discussion.

Nobody enjoys a night of sitting across from somebody, staring at their food thinking, “Oh my god, what can I talk about?  Is she bored right now?  Does she think I’m a boring person?  Is this a really awkward date?”  Before you know it, you’re in your head the whole night and this date ends up being just another one to chuck onto your pile of uninspired mediocre first dates.  That’s  a surefire date-killer, a surefire way to go home alone, and a surefire way to not get that second date.

"Does she think I'm boring?"

So what is it that’s causing this?  Are you a boring person?  Is it just really difficult for a guy like you to have chemistry with many different women?  Are you doomed to go on tons and tons of dead-end dates until you finally find that one (out of 100 maybe) who you finally have some sort of a connection and some fun with?

I don’t really believe in boring people.  If you’re reading this, to me you’re an interesting person.  I really believe that.  But you have to believe it also, because if deep down inside you think that you’re just another boring guy, then that’s exactly what you’re going to project for as long as you continue to believe it about yourself.

While I don’t believe in boring people, I do believe in boring lives.  I guarantee there are a lot of guys reading right now, when you look and reflect back at what your week looks like, what your 2012 has looked like up until now, what your 2011 looked like last year, you will see a whole lot of dullness, mediocrity, and forgettable moments.  And it’s not because you are dull or mediocre.  It’s because of what you’ve chosen to fill your life with every single day.

If you’re consistently running out of things to talk about on your dates, if you’re having a hard time connecting with a woman who you actually really like and you want to see again, it’s not because of who you are as a person, it’s because of what you do with your time, what you think about, and what you experience every single day.

Every time you go out on a date, every time you try to connect with a woman, all you can bring with you is what you have experienced up until this point and what you experience in your daily life.  If you live a life that you’d rather not remember, if you think thoughts that you’d rather not share, if you look back and think, “God, what a boring month I had,” the only thing you’re going to deliver to the woman sitting across from you is the energy of a lifestyle you’d rather not share.

If you can’t enjoy your week all by yourself in whatever you do, you’re bringing to the table a guy who doesn’t know how to enjoy himself in the things he does and the people he’s with.  If you’re not inspired by your own life every day leading up to this Friday night, what makes you think you’re suddenly going to be able to flip the switch and make this Friday night any more inspiring?  

But if you are engaged in the things you do, guess what?  You’re going to be engaging to the woman who you’ve brought on this date with you.

So you can sit around and wait for that one out of 100 women who you finally connect with, or you can do something about your lifestyle, start making some changes, and start connecting with women everywhere.  So tonight before you go out, I want you to do yourself a favor and sit for a while in a quiet place.  Maybe turn off the radio on your 30 minute commute home, maybe crack a beer and sit quietly on the couch,  sit still and meditate, get in the zone on the treadmill at the gym, just do something to give your mind a little rest.

Think about the way you live your life right now and how you feel about your connection to the world around you.  Are you perfectly content?  Are you bored?  Do you see yourself as a boring person?  Would somebody else think that your life is interesting?

Now envision the way that you would like your life to be.  What kinds of changes could you make to start moving in that direction? What are some things you’ve thought about doing but have just never gotten around to?   What new things would you learn about?  Have you always wanted to sky dive?  Would you pick up a cooking class or learn some new recipes?  Would you cut out a day of lifting weights and pick up some yoga?  Would you travel to South America for a week instead of another shitty trip to Vegas?  Would you watch less How I Met Your Mother reruns and go to read the new releases at Borders?

Write down three new things that you would enjoy seeing in your lifestyle.  Put yourself out there so that others can see and write them in the comments section.  Because you can talk about it all day long, but the key is that you have to start doing it.  So pick the most important one, the one that jumps out at you the most, AND START DOING IT.  Even if it’s something as simple as trying out one new restaurant a week instead of getting takeout 3 times a week.

You can’t just read a blog post, learn some pickup line, or post your dating questions on the internet.  You have to make that commitment when you wake up that day and actually add something new and inspiring to your life.

It’s getting cold outside here in NYC, so I figure tonight I’ll bundle up on the couch, turn up the heat, and stay in for a movie, some Italian takeout, and a nice bottle of red.

While I’m thinking about it, bars are the farthest thing from my mind right now.  But it’s still Friday, so let’s talk about something relevant: going on a date.  Specifically, Friday night first dates, which I know a lot of guys tend to overthink.  So I’ll break it down and share an email I got from a client this week:

Hey Shogo,

Just wondering is there a polite way of asking a lady to pay for herself for an expensive outing?

I’m thinking about inviting this girl to an expensive concert, which costs $400.  I wouldn’t mind paying if she’s my girlfriend.  But, I barely know her and don’t know if it’s going to work out.  I know she likes music.  She’s in real estate, and I’m pretty sure she makes more $$$ than I do.  So, I wondering if I should ask her to pay for herself, forget about this whole thing and invite her to something else, or just take the risk and pay for her ticket and see what happens.  What do you think?

*I know they talk about ROI in dating, and this is an example.

Thanks in advance Shogo,

Jerry, New York City

Expensive Dates... Get it?

Jerry, good question.  Actually it’s two questions: 1) How much is ok to spend on a first date?  2) Can she pay her own way?

This is an expensive excursion we’re talking about.  Even if you’re banking some major green, a $400 event is just not date material.  It doesn’t matter if you can afford it or not.  Because even if you can, unless you want to be seen as a walking talking ATM or just another a guy who’s desperately trying to impress her, it’s a terrible idea to drop this much cash on a first date.

Ask yourself: do you really want to go to this concert?  Would you go to this concert if you went by yourself or with a buddy?  If the answer is no, then scrap the idea and do something else.  Go on dates where the activity is something that you actually personally want to do (or you know that she’s really going to enjoy—which in turn makes you want to do it too).  Don’t take a woman out for a first date that you would not want to do anyways.  You plan a date based on something that you want to do for fun, and as an added bonus, you have a great woman to share your time with.

So assuming this is a concert you really want to go to, if you’re going with her as friends, invite her along.  Just as you would invite a friend, tell her, “Hey, Sting (or whoever the hell costs $400 these days) is playing in concert next weekend, I really want to go and since you’re such a fan, I thought you’d be interested in going.  Tickets aren’t cheap though.”  Now you’ve implied that she’s got to pay if she wants to come.  Keep in mind that this is not a date.  This is you inviting her as a friend.  (It doesn’t mean you can’t date her later on down the road, but for now she is not your date to this event, so don’t treat it like one.)

But if you want to ask her out on a date, then ask her out.  And that means you pay.  My rule of thumb for guys is to ALWAYS PAY on the first dates.  Depending on your relationship, you can split (or let her pick up a check) later on down the road when you’re seeing each other on a regular basis.  But for now, you invited her, you pay, and you lead her on that date.

So that means that every date that you invite her on should be within your financial means to pay for both of you.  It can be dinner if you want (make sure it’s a place you actually enjoy going to; even better, a place you’ve been to many times before), it can be drinks, or just a simple coffee on the weekend or a stroll through the park or the holiday market—which costs nothing.

A date should never have to be “risky.”  A date should always be fun no matter what the outcome.  You should never feel like kicking yourself for having spent money on taking her out if the date turns out to be a flop.

How much would you pay for one night?

When you are spending money on things to go out and try to attract women, that’s when you think about your ROI, your return on investment.  But forget about the ROI when it comes down to the date itself, because on the date you are not spending money to try to attract the woman you’re going out with.  Your return on the investment is how much fun you had on the date itself, not what may or may not happen with her sexually after the date.  The money you spend is just window dressing for your leisure time—it does not buy anything from her, so do not expect anything.  If something happens, great.  But make sure it has nothing to do with the money you spent.  That’s just you and her being attracted to each other, and that’s not something money can buy.

So she doesn’t like you at the end of the date, or you don’t have chemistry, or whatever—you want to walk away from every first date with the attitude that you had a good time no matter what.  If there was no attraction, well then at least you learned something about yourself.  Or you practiced your skills communicating with a woman.  Or you learned something about how women work and it will make you better for next time.  Or you can walk away as friends and you’ve added a new person to your social network.

There is always an upside to every encounter with a new woman.  And that’s what you focus on.  Maybe the date works out, and that’s great.  But even if it doesn’t, don’t chalk that up as a lost investment.  Think about how you grew.  What you learned about your skills connecting with this woman, what you learned about women in general, and what you learned so you can improve the next time.

No date should ever have to be financially risky.  Eliminate that “risk” right out of the equation by asking yourself, “How much would I feel comfortable spending just to hang out and get to know this woman even if things don’t work out?”  And you will have your answer.

But last week I was lucky enough to get free tickets to an amazing new show called “Iris.” Iris is the new production from Cirque Du Soleil. If you haven’t seen anything by Cirque Du Soleil yet, it’s probably going to be one of the best shows you’ll ever see.

I’ve been lucky enough to see about six of these shows, and every time I see them they never fail to amaze me. For those of you guys who aren’t familiar, Cirque Du Soleil is well-known for its contortionists putting their bodies into all different types of acrobatic poses and motions.

It’s just a classy show all around. But what I really appreciate the most about this show is the sheer amazing, eye-popping acrobatics that the performers do with their bodies. If you watch the performers very carefully when they’re going into these crazy performances, you’ll see them hand-holding each other from trapezes, bodies interlocked, curling up in the air, catching each other on the ground, forming human pyramids, all sorts of amazing stunts.

Not one time will you ever see them sweat, blink, or behave like it’s a hard act to pull off. They make such an art form of portraying the human body as weightless, and it’s such an amazing and beautiful thing to see.

Not only that, attending a Cirque Du Soleil show is one of my favorite activities in the entire world because it’s very sexual. It’s a very physical show with a lot of focus on the sensual movements of the human body. You get to admire the beauty of all those bodies on stage. Each little segment takes you through a different journey of pushing the human spirit, and how much more you can push it, and how much better.

I really suggest you guys check out the show Iris, one of the best shows I’ve ever seen. Best of all, it’s something that you’ll enjoy because it makes a great, great date that will give you plenty points of conversation to discuss after the show.

A lot of people email me all of the time, asking, “what’s a great date? I’m seeing a man or a woman, and I want to take them out on a great date.”

I have a great date idea. You want to do this on a Sunday, and just call it ‘my favorite Sunday’ – I think that every Sunday you need to create a new favorite Sunday.

If you’re by yourself, you need to do things that you really enjoy – take yourself out for a Sunday. Go out, go to a Farmer’s Market, grab some breakfast, talk to some people, and then just have an adventure. Maybe you can go shopping a bit, walk around some stores. If it’s nice out and you live by a lake or a beach, go there.

Go check out some open houses. There are always people around at open houses. Check out what houses are for sale in your neighborhood – or condos in the city, whatever it might be. Go to a bookstore, go to a library. Just take yourself out. Walk around. The weather is nice, so go walk around.

But my favorite thing to do on a Sunday – pick somebody you really want to hang out with on a Sunday, and just say you’re going to have an all-day little kid sleepover.

Start the day off by showering together. Take a shower together, get dressed in front of each other. It’s a lot of fun.

And if you don’t meet up until 12:00, you could also go out to brunch or breakfast – or even just getting takeout food and sitting in the car talking while you drive around some fun neighborhood.

That’s a fun thing to do – get a to-go box, and say you’re going to have a picnic today. And the picnic is going to be this incredibly fun drive around great neighborhoods. You can look at different houses and do things – see a couple of different neighborhoods.

That’s a great date too. Just walk around a couple of different neighborhoods, and check out the different stores and people. Talk to the merchants together.

Stop putting all of the pressure on yourself. You don’t need to put all of the pressure on yourself. Just let it flow a little bit.

Maybe you have an errand to run that day, maybe you need a new place to live. Maybe your looking for a new favorite shirt or whatever it might be. Take the person along with you and get their opinion. You just want to spend the day together, having a good time.

And then at the end of the day, with the weather being this nice, take a walk somewhere. If you live in the city, take a walk through a park. Watch the street performers. Comment on the street performers.

If you live in Los Angeles like I do, go for a hike at the end of the day, and watch the sun set. Right now the wildflowers are blooming and it’s beautiful up there. Take a hike, and go up above the city and look down.

If you live near a beach, take a walk with somebody on the beach. What a great day! After the end of that long day together, you watch the sunset. That’s a good time.

No beach? Walk around a lake. Just walk. Walk somewhere fun. If you live in New York City, take a little boat ride in Central Park. There are so many different things you can do.

If you live in the middle of the country, you guys have lakes! If you live in Michigan, you could take a walk by the lake. Look at the trees blooming together. That’s fun. There are so many fun things to do in the spring and summer times. It’s bonding. It will be a great date.

And then that night, get take-out food – it’s all about the take-out food. Pick a fun ethnic restaurant in your area and try it.

Work out together – that’s another fun thing to do together. Go to the gym together. Encourage each other to work out. It’s fun.

Go do yoga, and stretch each other. Stretching is really sexy. Learn a couple of different yoga poses. Yoga is really erotic – you can touch each other during yoga. Partner yoga is great. If you don’t know how to do it, read about it on the internet. Google it.

Go to a yoga studio, and they have partner yoga classes and stuff. It’s really fun.

And then at night, after a fun dinner, make sure you have a fun movie. That’s another great ending for that date.

Or get some good massage lotions. Foot massage – there is nothing better than rubbing a woman’s feet. You’re on your feet all day long, and all women love long, slow foot massages. Get some peppermint foot lotion from the Body Shop – it’s great, and fairly inexpensive. It tingles on the feet, so it’s a lot of fun.

Massage each other. Massaging is a lot of fun, too. Just massage one another. Get some good oils. There is this company called Jimmy Jane – www.jimmyjane.com. Go there. They’ve got these amazing candles – you light the candle and you pour the hot wax on each other. It’s not really that hot, just warm. The whole candle is like a great massage.

These are some things you need to do when you start seeing somebody; really turn it up a little bit. Have a fun sleepover. Don’t just do the same boring stuff all the time – watching TV.

Or you could break this whole blog down into individual dates. There are so many different dates on here that are fun. Activity dates, springtime-only dates – it’s bonding, it’s fun, and it takes the pressure off.

There is nothing worse than a bad date – the dates where you just stare at each other? Or the ones where you’re swapping resumes? Avoid those, and you’ll have a great time.

Todays video is all about the art of teasing and how to make her interested in you.

This blog is part of a live coaching from London with a client. Hopefully these exchanges with my client will give you an idea of my coaching style. Consider it a sneak peek into what I do when I am coaching clients and leading bootcamps!

Robert: How do you energize yourself?

David: You can do it. Take breaks. How do you have charisma? You have charisma because you don’t need it for long stretches of time. Think about this: the biggest excuse that people always tell me is, “but David, I don’t have your charisma!” Yes you do! I don’t have my charisma!

If you see me when I’m walking around, sometimes walking in the street, I’m just zoning out! I’m not thinking about meeting women on the street – that’s a low-probability meeting. What are you going to do, say hello? – which I do, that takes no energy. If they have a nice dog, I’ll pet the dog – it doesn’t take much energy to do that. I’m saving my energy for when I’m on stage.

So when I go into Whole Foods, or I go into a restaurant, or a retail store, I’ve been saving my energy for that moment. When I walk in, I turn on my charisma. I walk in and I realize, I’m going to be in this store for five minutes or less, and I have one chance to make a first impression.

So I’m going to walk into that store and I’m going to own it. I’m not going to do anything but own it. I’m going to find something on the wall – for instance in that clothing store today, they had an amazing piece of art on the wall – and what did I do? I went with the first thing that came to my mind, and I didn’t hesitate in the way that I talked. So I said, “oh my god, that artwork is so cool. What do you see in that picture?” and the conversation rolled from there.

The reason why not only women but men also respond to me is the way I do it. When we went into Paul Smith, there were no women in there, but somehow or another, that woman salesgirl found her way into that room. It was pretty funny – we walked in, we said hello to her when we walked in, and we owned that store. We were friendly and full of energy.

We migrated upstairs, and we talked to the other dude who was shopping (which most guys won’t do), we talked to the salesperson, we tried on a couple of hats, and had some fun with the guy. He had a really cool tattoo, and I asked him about it. I was interested; I was like a little kid. I was very curious about that tattoo, so I asked him about it.

And what happened then? People were laughing in that room, and all of a sudden the female salesgirl came rolling out of nowhere and asked, “oh, do you want me to help you?” The energy attracts.

And then when we left Paul Smith after like eight minutes – we tried on some hats. I tried on some hats that didn’t look good on me – you have to be goofy. You have to have that self-deprecating humor. You have to be able to be goofy and have some fun. So we tried on those hats, and then when we left, we got quiet. We got some water, and recharged our batteries, and talked a little bit. We walked around, and we really didn’t do much, just relaxed and chatted a bit like friends, and then we got here, and the minute we walked into Whole Foods, I got back in and put my game face back on.

So you’re only doing it in short bursts. You have to look at life as a giant stage. Everywhere you go, you have to romance everyone you meet. By romancing them, people just seem to flock over to you like magic, they all want it because nobody else does it! It’s something called the slight edge: being just slightly more engaging than everybody else.

You don’t need to be over the top, you just need to be slightly more engaging. Nobody is looking for the comedian – they’re looking for the next interesting person. That’s what being different is all about, and that’s what having that natural charisma is all about. That natural charisma is pretty amazing.

Robert: It is. It certainly is.

Todays video is all about how to create a great first date.