I got the Richard Branson book, “Business Stripped Bare,” — that’s a good read. I’ve got “The Art of Seduction” — I’ve heard that’s a great read, but I’ve never read it. I’ve got “The New Psycho-Cybernetics” — I heard that’s a life-changing book. I’ve got Malcolm Gladwell’s book, “What the Dog Saw.” Haven’t read that one yet, either. Got some book called “The Logic of Life.” No idea what that is. I think I picked it up one night in a bookstore when I was walking around. I got something called “Intoxify or Die.” I don’t want to die, but that’s all I know about that. I’ve got a whole bunch of other business books just sitting around.

Why Reading Helps Your Dating

Obviously at one point or another, I bought these really great books with the intent of reading them because of some reason or another, but I never read them. But yet I save them, thinking to myself, I’m going to read them. I’ve actually had “The Art of Seduction” by Robert Greene sitting on my shelf for four years, and I haven’t read it yet.

What books do you guys have sitting on your shelf? What are some of your favorite books that you’ve read, and have they changed your life? Maybe this might motivate me to read one of these books, or maybe I might just buy one of your books that you recommend, let it sit on my shelf, and let it gather dust with some of my other books. Not only that this is a great topic of conversation for dates.

I know that our usual weekend topic is nightlife and bars, but let’s switch it up a little for today. Today let’s talk a little bit about when you’ve got a date.

When you’re out and you’re dating, you know from the blog that if you’re the man on the date you always want to have a plan on the first date or so. When you ask a woman out, you want to be the leader, you want to have a place to go, but also be open to suggestions from your date. You want to have an idea of where you want to go and what you want to do that night based on the situation, the interaction, or the conversation you had with your date.

“What do you want to do tonight?” are words that should never come out of your mouth when inviting a woman out on a first date. Be thoughtful, be inspired, and show that you actually put some consideration and effort into the evening.

You don’t need to plan out every little detail of what you’re going to do—granted, some men and women do like their evening to run that way, and that’s fine if it suits your personality.

First Date Ideas

But there is a fine line between planning out a fun time on your date and rigidly sticking to your plans without room for creativity if things go wrong. You always want to be flexible in your planning. If things don’t go exactly according to plan, roll with it.

If your date is a vegetarian and you accidentally took her to a steak house, you can always leave and go somewhere else. Find a cool, hip vegetarian place maybe neither of you have ever been to before. You just might have a great new discovery in the area that you had no idea existed. And if the food wasn’t that good, oh well, at least the two of you had the experience and went on a little adventure together.

If you planned out a nice afternoon picnic or walk in the park and suddenly it starts raining, what do you do? Maybe change the plan and take her to a matinee. Sneak your picnic food in her purse have your own little picnic in the back of the theater.

It’s all about being open-minded. It’s all about being open to the fun possibilities out there. Because in reality, nothing goes exactly according to plan. You can never plan anything out 100% and know what the future holds in store, so be open to whatever comes your way, embrace it and make the most of it. The more your rigidly stick to what you planned out and try your hardest to make things to go exactly as planned, the more you are closing yourself off to great opportunities that come your way, opportunities that you couldn’t predict, even opportunities that you never thought could be possible.

So on all of your upcoming dates, I want you guys to have an action plan and a direction going into the date. But I also want to you be open and receptive to change. Be open and receptive to new possibilities on your dates, or in your encounters, or even when you are first meeting and talking to someone of the opposite sex, and see what great moments and great memories that you could never have predicted lie ahead for you.

I’ll tell you where you don’t go. You don’t go to a movie, you don’t sit there in silence, wondering what she’s thinking, who she is, and feeling all uncomfortable wondering what to say after the movie.

You don’t go and spend money on dinner. That’s right, you don’t sit there and chew food, exchange resumes, and basically talk at each other for two and a half hours.

You don’t spend money on a first date. The reason being is most first dates never pan out to second dates. So why should you invest your hard earned money in a woman that you may never ever see again? Guys, dating is like an investment. You want to pick and choose who you date, who you spend money on, and where you go.

My best first dates have always been activity dates. Miniature golf is great, bowling is a lot of fun, walking in the park is great, playing Frisbee is a lot of fun, rowing a boat across a lake or across a pond is a blast, going to a street fair, and sitting and just having a cup of coffee or having hot coco in the winter time. Simple things, so you can go, talk, and hang out and have no pressure.

Here’s the deal, if you like her you can plan the next date at the end of the first date. But the bottom line is stop spending your hard earned money, stop wasting your money on women you never ever see again. You don’t need to impress her with where you take her, you need to impress her with who you are.

One of my greatest dates I ever had was this woman was telling me how much she loved the sunset. So I took her to this great beach in Malibu. Malibu is about 15 minutes from my house, so maybe I was out $2.25 in gas to get her to and from there. Bought a bottle of wine because she liked wine, I spent $10 on the bottle of wine. We sat, we talked, we watched the waves break, we walked some more, we watched the sunset, and we had a fantastic time. It was a great date. It created a moment.

That’s what women are looking for, to create that moment. They’re looking to have something that they can go back to their friends and say this was a really different date. I’ve gone on hiking dates where it was a lot of fun, where we just talked and we hiked and we saw things, and it takes the pressure off sitting across the table. When you’re doing an activity date it takes all the pressure off of you having to sit there and analyze one another. Not only that, for women, dating is about an adventure. You want to create an adventure the first date. You might go hiking, you might take a walk on the beach, you might take a walk with your dogs. Second date you might grab some dinner at this cool little stand because now they’ve got great food trucks all over the place where you can sit, stand outside and eat. You’re creating a movie for them. You’re creating the moment.

So stop trying to impress on a date, and start having fun on a date.

We’re sitting in Egoscue, and I’m working on my back….by the way, it’s feeling much
better. Anyway, she was describing her date from the other night. She
went out with this guy-now listen up, okay, because this is going to
blow you away. This guy was fascinating, interesting, ex-lawyer, a
big-time movie guy. He had a degree in economics, traveled the world,
and studied with monks—one of the most fascinating men in the entire
world. Spoke four languages—daughter was a valedictorian at Yale. I
mean everything was perfect. He talked, and talked, and talked, and
bragged, and talked, and bragged, and talked, and impressed, and then
talked. He was entertaining as can be, but he was what we call the “B”
for bragger.

Granted, she was fascinated by him, but after three and a half hours,
she wanted to go home, crawl into a ball, and go to sleep because she
was so exhausted by him. Only once during the whole three-and-a-half
hour marathon bragging session did he ask her one question about
herself. He said, “So tell me, why did you get divorced?” That was it.
Nothing else about it.

Gentlemen, learn from this experience. Bragging about your
accomplishments, bragging about what you have, bragging about your
kids, bragging about your children’s accomplishments, bragging about
everything about you and not being interested in her is basically
going to send you home to another night at staring at the ceiling,
whittling your own thumbs, and tickling your own nut case. You
basically are a “B” for bragger. “B” guys that basically just brag
about all their accomplishments, and think women are going to be
impressed by it. But in reality, they’re bored by it.

They want to be engaged. That’s not the way to go out on a date. A
date is 50-50. Fifty percent of the time you talk. Fifty percent of
the time they listen. You learn about them half the time, and they
learn about you the other half. It’s not 100 percent bragging about
who you are.

To top it off, this guy was so impressed with what he’s done that he
brought along a documentary about himself, so she could go home and
watch. Isn’t that wonderful? And he’s probably one of those guys that
thinks he had a fantastic date, one of the best dates he’s had in a
long time. Wake up gentlemen. It’s a date.

So I was boarding the flight and it’s funny, I’ve been a relationship coach for so long now that I pick up on first encounters everywhere I go. As I was getting seated, in the row in front of me I spotted a guy sitting next to a young woman and he was clearly trying to get a conversation going.

Problem was, he couldn’t get a sentence out without going “uhh” and “umm” every other word.

“That’s cool…ummm… Yea, that’s nice… uhh… So, um, where are you from?” Now I’m not making fun of this guy at all, he was just nervous and the woman he was talking to was trying really hard to listen to what he was saying.
Are you an “umm-er” or an “uhh-er”? There’s some new terminology. So this inspired me to do a “umm-uhh” blog today.

Here’s the deal: You know the people who, when they don’t know what to say next in conversation, they always go, “uh” or “um”? The only place where “uh’s” and “um’s” are great is when you’re in the heat of passion, you’re having great sex, and it feels really good and you let out an occasional “ah”, or an occasional “um”, or an occasional “hmm”.

But when you’re “ah-ing” and “um-ing” in the middle of a conversation, it means you’re not really listening to the conversation flow. It means that you’re stuck in your head thinking about what to say next and thinking about if what you’re saying right now is the right thing to say.

I’ve seen this with a lot of guys that I’ve coached. I’ve watched them go over and talk to women, and I know they stop listening in the middle of the conversation because what happens is the woman will say something interesting, the guy will not know what to say because he gets lost inside his head. He stops being present and he comes back with an “uh” or an “um”.

I know that when someone “uh’s” or “umm’s” me, it means that they’re really not paying attention. It means that they’re focusing on something else. Maybe they’re watching the television. Maybe somebody else caught their eye.

But in real conversations that are engaging and interesting, “uhh’s” and “umm’s” just don’t come up in the first 30 seconds of talking unless you’re not paying attention and you’re not present in the conversation. So if you’re an or an “umm-er”, realize why you’re doing it. And realize that you need to start paying deeper attention to what other people are saying so that you can be engaging and really carry the conversation forward.

You can not believe that you have made it this far.

The date that you have planned for tonight? Well, it’s worked out. Oh yes, you know everything about it! It doesn’t matter that it’s presently 2011–it doesn’t matter at all. You can see the future. Years down the road, you’re able to look into the future and know exactly how that date’s going to go tonight.

Aren’t you relaxed now? Isn’t it amazing knowing that THIS is the person you’re going to marry in a couple of years? Can’t you now just relax on this date and not obsess so much about it? The date you’re on is in 2011. But in your head, it’s 2017. 2011 has merely called back to you six years later to tell you how well the date you’re going to have tonight worked out.

What am I talking about here? Future people! Future men and future women, that’s what I’m talking about it. You’re the person who’s such a nervous wreck about a future date that you spend your entire time leading up to that date obsessing about what to do! You even talk to friends: “What should I talk about? What do you think I should tell my date about me, hm? What do you think I should talk about on this date?” Once you’ve set the date, you think about how many times you need to text him or her until the first date to keep their interest level up. You strategize about the date ahead of time. You wonder when to kiss ahead of time. You think about the right moment to hold her hand ahead of time.

You think about when to flip your hair to show him you’re interested. You think about interesting topics to talk about ahead of time.

That’s not a date, that’s just worrying! You’re making it so hard on yourself. Here’s the deal: you set the date, you confirm the date the day before, and then you meet them at the place you confirmed. You don’t think about what signs to look for or what to say. You don’t plot out a whole conversation. You don’t think about when the perfect time to kiss is. You stay present in the moment. That’s what you do. You have a conversation as you would any conversation with any other person that you’ve met.

You need to stop worrying about what this person is going to be in the future, because when you worry about the future, there is not going to be any future. There will be no future at all. So many people, all the time, worry so much about what to say on a date. When you go out with your friends, do you plot out an entire outline of things to talk about, or do you just stay present and have a good time? The most powerful thing about a date is that the person you’re with can really get to know who you are. They can get to know your interests, what you’re about, have a conversation, see if you two really connect.

The absolute worst thing you can do on a date is water yourself down. Just be yourself, talk, and listen. And of course, on a date don’t talk about how wounded you have been from past relationships. Keep it positive, talk about the good times. Stop obsessing about whether or not she thinks (or he thinks) it’s a date or if you’re going out as friends.

It’s a date if you set it up that way. If your intentions are clear, if you’re not hiding a secret agenda, it’s a date whether you’re taking them out for dinner, for coffee, for a drink, for a walk in the park—as long as you set it up as a date. Stop obsessing about what to do.

Don’t try to get to know the “future him” or the “future her” or “future both-of-us-together”. Play it cool and really just get to know her. And to the women right now reading this, get to know him.

Do you believe that there are no good single people left in the world.

Or to be more specific in your world, in your town, on your block.

Today we look into the latest excuse that a reader sent me, on why he can not meet women.

I have heard all the excuses in my 20 years of helping people date and this one is one of the most common excuses found.

Check out what John wrote.

Read his words and his excuses and poor me mindset jump right off the screen.

Now are you ready to hear today’s wake up call!!

Today’s podcast is all about John and his scarcity mentality.

And John, thanks for a great topic for today’s blog and podcast!!!

Click Here To Download Today’s Podcast!

How did it go?

Did you feel any spark or did the date feel more like an interview?

And the bigger question is do you want to see that person again or was it a one and done?

So many dates crash and burn due to a lack of really being able to let go and be yourself.

The one thing I always tell people is to make sure that the real you shows up.

What do I mean by the real you showing up?

If you really desire great dates check out today’s video.

Have a great Sunday and see you all tomorrow.

Maybe there isn’t a great sexual connection. Maybe you have an amazing sexual connection, but the emotional connection is lacking.

Maybe it’s one of those relationships of convenience. You know, one in which you spend weekends together but you don’t see each other during the week. Maybe it’s a long distance relationship, and you like that because it gives you time to work on the replacement theory.

The replacement theory does not work. I hope by now you have figured out what the replacement theory is. If not, let me define it for you.

The replacement theory is when you’re involved in a relationship and you’re looking for another one, but you don’t want to leave your current relationship while you’re looking. You want to be sure you will find someone better before you leave the person you’re currently dating.

Looking For Rebound Guy

This never works. Your energy is all wrong when you do that.

First of all, it’s not fair to the person with whom you’re currently in a relationship. To be blunt, it’s actually pretty sleazy because you’re not being honest with that person. You’re looking someone in the eyes and saying “I love you” to that person you are with on the weekends, while you are going out during the week looking for someone to replace them.

So the replacement theory doesn’t work because you’re creating an energy that’s bad both in your relationship and when you’re out looking for another one. You’re actually very desperate such that whenever you meet somebody new you think to yourself, “God I really hope that this person is somebody that could be my next girlfriend (or next boyfriend). I really hope it works out with this person.”

When you have this mindset and this kind of energy, you actually forecast the whole relationship at the time you meet someone and first exchange phone numbers. There’s thus a very desperate energy about people who are in the replacement theory mode because they is an air of neediness around them.

When you are in the replacement theory mode, you’re so afraid to be alone that you feel a need to constantly be with someone. So you climb from one person to the next, and you end up meeting the same person over and over again. Sting had it perfectly right when he wrote that song about if you love someone then set them free.

So if you have used the replacement theory, then you need to be honest with yourself and you need to be honest with the woman (or man) you’re with. You need to realize that the replacement theory does not work, and let that person go.

Go out and embrace who you are. Learn about yourself all over again. Be single. Be open. Learn things that you never before learned.

Most importantly, develop an abundance mindset. People who practice the replacement theory do not have an abundance mindset at all. All you think about over and over again is the lack of things.

If you actually had an abundance mindset, you would never practice the replacement theory in your life. You’d realize that there are plenty of amazing people in the world to be with and date.

It’s the same with jobs. How many of you want a new job, and yet you keep a job you hate until you find that new job? Then when you find a new job this way, the new job is only a little bit better than the old job. Why? It’s because you are living the replacement theory in your work.

Now I know right now that a lot of you are saying, “David, that doesn’t make sense. I need to pay my bills, so I have to do it that way.” You do have to pay your bills, but here is what you need to realize. You can keep your old job while you look for a new one, but realize that the longer you keep the old job the longer your search for a great new job will be.

We can talk more about jobs another day. For now, I want to leave you with a question: How many of you use the replacement theory in your dating life?

Do all your dates seem to go nowhere fast?

Let go over how to never have a boring date again.

I decided to record this for you all today instead of a podcast enjoy!!