Basically what you do is you go out with a group of guys, and you become what we call “creepers”.  You are in a pack of eight, and one or all of you will creep your way over to the women slowly but surely.  Every five minutes you creep another inch, maybe another six inches. And then, by the time the woman is finally leaving, you quickly bolt over—the whole group, like you guys are all attached by a string.

Then all of you go, “Why are you leaving right now?  Where are you going?  Where are you from?”

Wow, what an amazing opener: “Where are you from?  Why are you leaving right now?  Drink!  Come on, we’ll buy you a drink!  We’ll buy you a drink!  Come on!”  And then the woman always says, “No, that’s okay.”  And you’re like “No, come on, you have to drink, you have to drink.  What, are you crazy?  Have a drink!  Come on, have a drink.”

It’s really strange.  Men truly believe that they can buy the vagina.  They at least like to think that they can buy it.  I’m going to get the vagina drunk.  The vagina’s going to like me, and the vagina’s going to want to come home with me.

But here’s the issue: the vagina doesn’t like you spending 45 minutes creeping your way over there inch-by-inch.  It made her scared.  That’s why the vagina—which is powered by two legs—decided to run outside the bar and leave.  She was running away from you.  Turned off.  She ran away dude.

So here’s the deal: you want to meet her?  Walk over right away.  You offer her a drink and she says no?  Don’t become so self-conscious. Don’t be that guy that busts on her for not drinking. Not everyone drinks.

It’s so weird, people who are drinking get so uncomfortable with people who are not drinking.  You ever been to a party where everybody’s smoking pot and taking hits out of the bong? If the bong is passed to you, and you decline, pot smokers will never look at you and go, “Oh, dude.  Take three hits, man.  Take a hit, take a hit.”  They could care less!  They’re high and they’re having a good time.  They’re mellow; they know you’re going to be mellow.

But alcohol brings out aggression.  So much so that you become aggressive with the way you drink and other people in the room, drinking or not. “Please, drink with me.  Please, I don’t feel comfortable…”

Just. Stop.

So guys, please, keep this always in mind: creepers are creepy and vaginas really can’t be bought.

David: We just had a great discussion about the definition of social anxiety. I’m going to have Josh explain the meaning, and then we’ll get a bit deeper into it.

Social anxiety is a disease that runs rampant all over the world – but it’s a self-imposed affliction. Of course, the pharmaceutical companies will try to medicate you with everything – take Paxil, take this, take that – but the fact is that social anxiety is not something that cannot be corrected with a few changes in behavior and mindset.

Josh, you totally got it, so I’m going to have you explain it.

Josh: Social anxiety arises from just not talking to people for long periods of time. Then the monkey chatter builds up and it’s impossible to be sociable. You’re not warmed up. You become afraid to do that which you haven’t been doing regularly.

David: Yeah. Let’s say you’re walking around the mall, or in the market, wherever, but the longer that you wait to talk to people, the more difficult it becomes.

Then you start judging yourself and overthinking. It’s not you judging yourself; it’s that internal voice that is judging you – the drunken monkey. It says to you, “oh man, you’re such a loser. What are you doing? You should have talked to those three people!”

It begins to build and you start responding to that inner voice. The minute you begin to talk back to that inner voice, you’re no longer present in the moment. You’re now in hell. You’re completely torturing yourself. You start saying to yourself, you’re so right! I should have talked to those people!

Do you remember Animal House? There’s that part where there’s the devil and an angel on each shoulder – all of a sudden you’ve got that devil and angel talking back and forth to each other.

“Yeah, you can really do this!” the angel says, and the devil responds, “no, you’re an idiot, man!” And then all of a sudden, it’s been like an hour since you’ve spoken to someone real!

The next thing you know, the beautiful woman you’ve been waiting for walks by – you catch her out of the glimpse of your eye – and you don’t notice anything about her. You can’t make any observations about her, and you don’t notice anything.

She was probably the easiest person to talk to all day because she had a look of confusion on her face and she dropped her bag – but you didn’t notice anything because you were too busy battling with no longer one drunken monkey but a whole zoo in your head. They’re just chattering away in there.

So, at this point, you need to do the following exercise to bring yourself back to reality: you need to ground yourself and center yourself. You have to tell the voice to SHUT UP.

Have you ever seen Nightshift? It’s a really funny movie with Henry Winkler and Michael Keaton – I think it’s one of the first films they ever did. It’s hysterical. Michael Keaton has this crazy internal voice that keeps talking, and finally, Henry Winkler says to him, “this is Chuck telling Bob to SHUT UP!”

You have to do the same thing inside your own head. “This is Joe telling the monkey chatter to SHUT UP!” Say it to yourself and start laughing about it. Calm yourself down and breathe.

So you screwed up for an hour? No big deal. You can move forward starting now. You can ground yourself again and make a pact with yourself. Promise yourself the following: “I’m going to talk to the next person that walks by. I will observe what they are feeling; I will observe their emotions. If I can’t read the emotion on their face I’ll observe something that they are wearing or anything I can compliment them on. I’m going to pay them a random compliment.”

If you pay them a random compliment, what are you doing? You’re offering it genuinely without expecting any outcome. This means that you can start building up your confidence again.

So you see someone and say, “oh man, that’s a cool watch.” They say, “oh, thank you,” and they smile. What is that telling the monkeys inside your head? It tells them to calm down because that smile is positive reinforcement.

That is how you can get rid of the drunken monkey, monkeys, or jungle in your head. There are guys I’ve worked with that have a jungle in there! They have monkeys, giraffes, lions and tigers! They have a whole neighborhood up there.

A guy I once coached said to me, “man, if you were in my head, you would know that this is a bad neighborhood. You don’t want to go there. I’m trying to get to the other side of town!”

So this is what you do to calm yourself down. You have to tell yourself to shut up, and you have to realize that it doesn’t matter whatever you missed. You have the abundance principle working for you – you still have the rest of the day or night – or even the rest of your life. So don’t judge yourself on the half hour where the monkeys took over inside your zoo.

Join us tomorrow for part 2.

This week we will explore the dreaded monkey chatter forever and all the women of the blog have the same voices and animals in their mind.

So this advice is great for you as well!!

Tomorrow I will post the full version in podcast format as well.