Who came up with the term “blow job?” Isn’t it really a suck job? Why the hell did they ever call it a blow job?

A blow job is really a suck job. I never understood that. Can I have a blow job, please? Well, fine. Then take your pants down and I’ll just blow on your penis. I mean it’s like so many of these terms make no sense at all.

Take the term “going down on a woman.” Going down on a woman is really going to her feet, as that is where down is.

How about cunnilingus. It sounds like you’re talking about an Irish woman named Connie Lingus. I never understood how Connie Lingus got the term for oral sex on a woman named after her.

What about a “hand job?” Now this one actually kind of makes sense, because it is the woman’s hand doing a job.

Isn’t sex, however, supposed to be fun? Why are there so many things sex-related that have the word “job” associated with them?

It’s also funny how when they are things a woman does they are called jobs, but not in the terms describing what men do. Women give hand jobs and blow jobs. They make them seem like awful things.

So when a woman goes down on a man it’s called a blow job, but yet when a man goes down on a woman it’s just called ‘going down on her.’ It almost makes it seem like the woman is being forced to do it.

Isn’t it just as fun for a woman to go down on a guy as it is for a guy to go down on a woman. Now I know there are some women who do consider that a job, but it’s probably the same percentage as the percentage of men who find going down on a woman to be a job.

What about the term “making out?” What are you making out exactly? I mean, isn’t this just tonsil hockey, kissing or swapping spit (all of which terms make more sense than ‘making out’)? It makes no sense to me.

Then there’s the famous “feel her up.” Alright, you’re feeling her up where? I mean, just like I said about going down, wouldn’t the “up” really be the top of her head? So, really, aren’t you just touching the top of her head if you ‘feel her up?’

Another term I love is “banging her.” You’re banging her? Where does the banging come into play? How do you bang somebody?

Banging is the sound a gun makes. Your dick doesn’t really go bang when it’s inside a woman. Granted, there is the sound of flesh pounding against flesh. So, really, ‘pounding her’ would be more accurate.

Sex terms are sometimes outright hilarious. Take the term “f*^k the shit out of her.” Really, you did? Who cleaned up the mess afterwards? I mean, that is disgusting. I hope you had the Charmin next to you at the time.

How about “she rode the hell out of me?” Really? I didn’t know you were a devil who had hell inside of you. So when you say she rode the hell out of you, did horns come out of the top of your head while she was doing it? Too bad she can’t ride the heaven out of you, so that you could be smiling and happy when she’s on top of you.

Then there’s having sex “doggie style.” About the last thing I want to think about when I am entering someone from behind is two dogs f^*king.

Welcome to the world of funny sex terms. I’m sure I missed a few, but this was a good tour down funny sex terminology lane.

But anyway, then we went for a hike, we’ve probably written about 30 blogs today, we did some audio – we did a new audio confession, another one of my Girls Tell All series tonight – which is a very interesting product that is coming out that I’ll tell you about in a week or two.

Yakub and Khiem were asking me tonight how have I become so good at dirty talk. And really, I love dirty talk. And let’s not say ‘dirty,’ I’d rather use the term ‘naughty.’

So how did I get so good at naughty talk?

I have to thank my college girlfriend. Not Amy Alterman, Amy Alterman was my college girlfriend junior year. I used to call her FISP – which stood for Flicking Itching Scratching and Picking – she was definitely very neurotic, and I teased her, of course. I’ve always been teasing women since I was a child!

But I have to thank Ellen Weinberger. Ellen Weinberger was this hot, sexy girl from Livingston, New Jersey, that I went to American University with. And Ellen Weinberger – every guy in school wanted her. I met her when I was a sophomore and she was a freshman. She had one of those incredible bodies – 5’3”, natural big breasts, thin little body, brunette, big eyes, and she just reeked of sex appeal.

She was one of the sexiest girls you’ve ever seen. Every guy wanted her in school, but the problem was: she had a boyfriend.

Her boyfriend was this guy named Norm. Norm walked with a limp because he got into some car wreck, so we called him the Limping Boyfriend from Brooklyn (of course, being immature 19-year-olds, that was about the most clever thing we could come up with.) Ellen and I had instant chemistry, but she had this boyfriend.
I used to go to her room, we used to catch a buzz, and we used to talk dirty to each other. We would literally sit there and tell each other what we would do to each other if we were both single. So I would leave her room, after getting her all hot, and she’d go sleep with her boyfriend (because every weekend she’d go to Brooklyn to see Norm.) I’d go out and have sex with some random little college babe that I’d tried to hook up with – sometimes I’d get lucky, sometimes I wouldn’t.

At the end of the weekend, I would always see Ellen again, and we’d catch a buzz, and I’d look directly into her eyes and tell her, flat out, that I’d thought about her while I was sleeping with someone else. And I’d tell her about the things I’d want to do to her, and how great it would be if she’d just dump Norm.

This went on for two years. We just talked dirty to each other for two years! It was unbelievable. It was the most freeing, fantastic experience. I couldn’t have her because she kept dating Norm, but the conversations got deeper, more erotic, and more sexual – I knew everything about her sexually.

Then, halfway through my senior year, I went to Florida and came back. It was 1984. January 1984 – the start of my last semester of college. That was the year that old man coats were in style – if you remember those long woolen coats you could get at thrift stores.

I bought an old man coat, I had a little suntan, and I walked into Ellen’s apartment. It was on a Thursday night – we used to go out on Thursday nights, we’d catch a buzz and then go out and drink some more. We used to just flirt and tease each other, and then I’d pick up another girl and she’d go to see Norm the next day.

I remember picking her up, and doing our usual thing, flirting, teasing, talking dirty to each other, and then I dropped her off at her apartment. I asked her if she was going to see Norm that weekend and she said she was actually going to stay around here. I said, alright, cool, and told her we should get together. She said alright, and then she grabbed me, and she kissed me!

Now this was like two years of dirty talk culminating in this fantastic kiss. I was kissing Ellen Weinberger, the girl that everybody at school wanted, and I finally had her!

Ellen Weinberger and I ended up going out for the next two years.

She taught me how to be free with my words. How to push the envelope – how to not care – because our situation was safe. I was busy turning her on for two years with dirty talk, and she was having sex with her boyfriend and thinking about the things that I’d said – and then she would tell me about it.

That’s how I learned how to talk dirty – that’s how I learned how to push it. That’s how I learned what to say, what not to say, and how to say it.

I have to thank Ellen for allowing me to be free. Ever since then, I’ve always been able to say what’s on my mind sexually. Always. Being sexually free is really what it’s about. When I talk dirty I’m not talking in a very graphic way, I’m talking very subliminally. But that’s how it all started.

I really believe that when you’re growing up, it’s the experiences that you have with the first couple of women that really set the stage to what kind of man you’re going to become. And I had fantastic sexual experiences with my first few girlfriends.

My high school girlfriend wouldn’t sleep with me, but we had foreplay all day long. So when all my friends were trying to get laid – thinking about it all the time and then not getting laid – I was getting some great education in foreplay. I learned the importance of foreplay at the age of 17!

And I learned the importance of dirty talk at the age of 19. I had to get really good at talking dirty to get Ellen to break up with Norm. It took me two years of dirty talk to get her to breakup. Two years of practice allows you to perfect it! Once I got her to breakup with Norm, I had the confidence to talk dirty to any woman out there.

So that’s my story of how I learned to talk dirty. What’s yours?

There is not one man I know who doesn’t love a lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom. We love when you’re sitting in the living room and whisper in our ears “I can’t wait to get you naked and suck your d@!k!” Not only will we rise to the occasion, we will leave a political fund raiser going on in our living room to do the nasty with you.

We love dirty talk! Dirty talk is what keeps us excited. Ask any man who’s been sleeping with the same woman year in and year out. He’ll tell you flat out that he’s bored out of his mind.

Tommy Lee got tired of having sex with Pamela Anderson.

Brad Pitt upgraded to Angelina Jolie (and I think Jennifer Aniston is hotter than Angelina Jolie!).

The bottom line is: If you want to keep your man satisfied, talk dirty to him!

I once dated this woman who used to always threaten me with this: She would call me in the middle of the day and tell me that if I didn’t come over, she was going to masturbate and make me listen to it while I was at work. She would also call me and leave me dirty messages on my voicemail. Did this woman excite me? Absolutely! Did I respect her? Absolutely!

I love a sexually up-front and confident woman. But enough about me . . .

Ask any man out there whether in the bedroom he would rather have a dirty talking slut, or a prim and proper Nancy Drew. The man will take the dirty nasty girl every time. So if you’re a lady, you better start to learn to unleash the dirty hungry girl in the bedroom.

If you need any suggestions, or you want to practice your dirty talk, feel free to send me a nasty email. I’ll let you know whether you’re a good dirty talker.

Take a behind-the-scenes tour inside the mind of a man and see how he REALLY thinks – Click Here.

It is unbelievable that men still think that they can instant message a woman, and immediately suggest perverted acts without even setting the scene and seducing her. The man who uses the technique of the GEICO caveman and the chap below are the same type of man, ladies, who won’t do ANY foreplay with you. It’s all about him getting off.

Most men just don’t seem to get it. The way to seduce a woman via IM is to do a slow, verbal tease. It makes for a lot more fun, and it turns her on a hell of a lot more than the caveman below. If you want to learn how to successfully seduce and intrigue a woman via instant messaging, then you need to stay tuned for another blog down the road.

Today’s blog is to read what transpired between my reader and the GEICO caveman. Everything that this man did in this instant message session is 100% wrong! Enjoy . . . and this is not for the faint of heart. You’ve been warned!!

MH: wassup
SK: Just got home from a LONG meeting . . . wassup with you?
MH: tv
SK: Anything good on?
MH: naw
MH: u
SK: I haven’t even gotten to turning on the tv yet
MH: still wanna hookup?
SK: Maybe . . . what do you have in mind??
MH: crazy f&%*#ing
SK: A lovely thought . . . but not for tonight
SK: R u up for anything slightly more tame tonight?
MH: bj is less
SK: No . . . not quite less enough for me tonight If you are still up for
the kissing/cuddling thing however . . .
MH: finger?
SK: huh?
MH: can i finger f#$^ u?
SK: Um…I don’t think so tonight …
MH: can i lick?
SK: If you’re up for the kissing/cuddling with a possibility of a little more, then I’m in . . .
MH: how bout i put my penis in your mouth
SK: exactly how is that different than a bj???
MH: i dunno
MH: sounds fun though
SK: I’m sure it does . . . I’m still waiting to see if you’re acceptable to my offer …
MH: what is that?
SK: the cuddling/kissing thing . . .
SK: long pause there – thinking . . thinking . . .
MH: i want u to make me cum somehow
SK: hmmm . . . well, I guess that would depend on how much
you enjoy the cuddling/kissing So… it’s a possibility I guess
SK: Long pause again … you seem unsure . . .maybe you should think about
it and get back to me
MH: how?
SK: how should you get back to me?
MH: how would u make me cum
SK: well . . .
MH: how
SK: I’m sensing a theme here … OK well maybe next time we’re together
I could reach down while we’re cuddling . . .
MH: jerk me off?
SK: it’s a possibility . . .
SK: Are you still up for the kissing/cuddling part?
MH: yup
SK: So . . . what are you thinkin’?
MH: i can beat my own meat
MH: lol
SK: Hmmm . . . sounds like you don’t need me then
MH: u need to be a little more compelling
SK: Look, dog in heat, I don’t mind making out and cuddling
the first time we hang out . . .
MH: do u wear a bikini
SK: huh?
MH: do u wear a bikini
SK: why do you ask?
MH: curious
SK: Do you?
MH: no u
SK: Not unless I’m at the beach …
MH: u wear one though?
SK: yeah . . . when you and I go to the beach, I’ll wear
the littlest bikini so you can see my ass
MH: do u wear one
SK: enough with the bikini . . . you’re boring me
MH: simple y/n?
SK: yes i wear a bikini
MH: kind of underwear
SK: no . . . i wear the big granny underwear that you
find in the 99 cent bin at kmart
MH: what kind?
SK: red silk grandmother panties . . . that’s what I wear
MH: ok
SK: ok?
MH: what kind of underwear
SK: [no answer]
MH: i have an idea
SK: What’s your idea?
MH: we can shower
SK: I’m already clean
MH: wanna do that
SK: no I don’t want to shower . . . my offer
of cuddle stands . . . final offer
MH: shirtless for you?
SK: fully clothed in the grandmother flannel . . . I don’t trust u
MH: time do u have to get up
SK: 6:15-6:30 ish
MH: do u want me to bring condoms?
SK: what part of cuddling do you not understand?
MH: just asked if u want me to bring them
SK: thanks . . . but no . . . cuddling means cuddling
. . . cuddling doesn’t mean humping
MH: titty f&^%?
SK: [no answer]

Even after all this, and even after she said cuddling (which by the way she was not going to do anyway because she didn’t trust him), he still persisted and asked if he should bring condoms. The key to any successful flirting is to listen, and obviously this GEICO caveman does not listen!

Read some of my actual IM sessions with women I met online — and who did want to get hot and sexy with me the very first night I met them! CLICK HERE to check them out.

It is the new form of foreplay that will drive her wild. The random text message in the middle of the day to perk her sexual desire. The fun banter back and forth that will make her rip her clothes off when she sees you.

So for those of you who have never sexted before, let me enlighten you on this great skill. Sexting is the exchange of hot text messages between you and your partner (or future partner).

So what are the rules of Sexting?

Just like good foreplay you need to be able to slowly seduce the other person. No quickies in sexting.

You dont sext them with this: “I want to do you now:)”

No. The whole point is to get them so hot that they can’t stand it anymore and they have to see you that night.

There is a skill to Sexting. Once mastered, you will be able to Sext the woman you desire.

All women love to be seduced, and this is part of the new way to seduce women. They love a dirty text exchange when done right and with mystery and intrigue.

It’s all about building them up slowly and letting them Sext you back with fun texts that will get you all hot as well. They want to know that what they are sending you is driving you crazy!

So how do you do this?

You will need to read tomorrow’s blog and I will show you actual Sext exchange that will teach you the art of Sexting!

Have Fun Always.