It’s 12:42 pm. You’re in a clothing store at a shopping mall, and you see a woman to whom you are attracted.
You observe what she’s doing, and you find an opener. She’s holding an AC/DC t-shirt, so you know you can walk over to her and say something simple like “Do you like AC/DC?”
So you start to walk over to her. Your heart starts beating faster. Your lip starts quivering. You start sweating, and you feel your face getting flushed.
When you get over to her, you ask her your “Do you like AC/DC” question. She responds, “Yes I do. They are one of my favorite bands.” So, now, what do you say next?
If you get stuck at this point in your approaches, then you are getting stuck in the opener zone. If you weren’t wondering what to say next, and stayed present, you would know there are any number of things you could say next.
You could say something like, “Really? It’s one of your favorite bands? That’s great. How long have you liked them for? That is a very cool t-shirt.” Then you would continue to talk about the t-shirt for the next minute or so.
She was attracted to you instantly because you walked over and actually had the guts to approach her. She told you with enthusiasm that she loves AC/DC, but you did not listen because you got stuck in the opener zone.
Getting past the opener is as simple as listening. When you talk to friends, do talk about the same thing over and over again — the t-shirt they’re wearing or how cool their car is or how much you like the song that’s playing? No, you listen to what they say and you continue the conversation.
Men tend to get stuck in the opener zone with women all the time. The key to avoiding this is to develop your listening skills. Here is a great exercise to do that.
Bring a digital recorder around with you. Record your conversations when you talk to women. Then when you play the conversations back, listen carefully to what the women say in response to your opener and write down what you could have said next based on what she said.
Work on this every single day, and you will start to become a master communicator. Become a person with whom people really enjoy talking, and you’ll be able to get past the opener very quickly.
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Billy Joel sings a song called “New York State of Mind.” That song describes what a New York state of mind is, and how he feels when he is in that state of mind. You can see how powerful that state of mind is to him.
Your state of mind is everything when you go out to meet women. Everything.
If you go out to a bar with some friends after your boss has ridden you all day long and made you feel insignificant, then that is precisely what your state of mind is going to be at the bar. Then your night will really be about cleansing, vomiting and regurgitating the anger and all the feelings you have built up that day.
Say you are going out to the market first thing in the morning. You had a bad night the night before, you are not feeling well and you are in a bad mood. Your state of mind will be exactly that.
Your intent may be to go out and meet women at the market. Your intent may be to go to that bar, flirt and meet women.
If your state of mind is not positive and feeling good about yourself, though, then it doesn’t matter what your intentions are. You will never accomplish anything if your state of mind is not in line with your intent.
It’s amazing how much frustration people have and feel about meeting people due to other sources and stimuli in their life. A little trick I tell people all the time to help with this, is to put a picture on the home screen of your iPhone or BlackBerry of something that makes you feel incredibly wonderful.
It could be a picture of your dog. It could be a picture of the first girl you ever kissed. It could be a picture of the mountain you just climbed last weekend. It doesn’t matter what it is.
Whatever image you choose, look at it whenever you feel funky or nervous before you approach someone. Look at it so you have a smile on your face and feel joy.
That is just one thing you can do. There are so many things you can do to create an amazing, peaceful and joyous state of mind. Whatever way you use to get there, without your own version of the New York state of mind, it doesn’t matter what technique you use to meet people. They will never work.
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As I was walking Daphne on the beach the other day, I overheard a conversation that two guys who were walking near me were having. In that conversation, they were playing what I like to call “the speculation game.”
As humans, we always speculate. We always feel the need to know the outcome of things. We always want to think about “what if…”
We speculate on the stock market. We speculate all the time when it comes down to picking a stock.
We speculate on football games. How many times do you watch a football game and say to yourself, “Man, if he only man if he only threw that pass. How could he have NOT thrown that pass?!”
We also do a lot of speculating when it comes to human emotions. The conversation that the two guys I heard talking on the beach were having is a perfect example.
One guy was saying to the other, “I got her off several times. I don’t understand why she didn’t call me back. I don’t get it.” Then he went into speculation mode, in which he speculated about all the possible reasons why she didn’t call him back.
He said, for example, that she probably felt too free sexually with him and that made her uncomfortable because she wasn’t used to feeling that way. He wanted his friend to speculate about this woman’s emotions and agree with him.
Keep in mind that the friend with whom he was doing this speculating had never met this woman. Usually the person who is being asked to speculate on what someone is feeling has never met the person about whom they are being asked to speculate.
The speculators nevertheless will speculate just to make their friend feel good. This is the speculation game. It’s really ridiculous, but yet we do it all the time.
We go to our friends for advice. We break down a situation that’s going on in our dating life, and then our friends speculate on what they think the other person — whom they have never met — is thinking.
Obviously the speculating friend is trying to make their friend feel better by doing this. Sometimes in life, though, you’ve got to just let some things go.
The fact of the matter is that unless you are prepared to go directly to the source, you will never know what someone is really thinking. Never. You will never know what they were really thinking, so why play the speculation game?
If someone doesn’t call you back, and you don’t know the reason why from the source (i.e., the person who didn’t call you), then it’s okay because you already have your answer. The answer is that you don’t know. When that happens, you have to learn to let things go.
You’ll never learn the answer to everything in life, so why play the speculation game? The speculation game can really drive you crazy.
Also, think a little bit about the people you are asking to be the speculators. They were not present for any of the events you are telling them about and they almost always have never met the person about whose feelings and thoughts you are asking them to speculate. So why are you letting these people make you feel better?
In life, you need to learn to just let things go. Successful quarterbacks have to master this in order to be successful.
Here’s a great example of that. A few weeks ago, Kurt Warner threw five interceptions in one game. During the next couple week’s games, he came back and threw six touchdown passes. When asked about this, he basically said ‘I have a short memory.’
It’s time that all of you adopt the same mentality in your dating life. You need to develop a short memory that allows you to no longer play the speculation game.
Doing this can get you “out there” and dating a lot more quickly. You’ll also be a lot happier. So let’s eliminate the speculation game, and start enjoying ourselves more.
If we do that, then maybe the speculators will have to find work doing other things. Who knows, instead of speculating on human emotions they maybe decide to go into the stock trading business and start speculating there. It could be a good move for them, since it’s basically the same guessing game.
This is what I call being completely oblivious to all signals. I wonder how this guy is with women. Watch this video I’m going to call “Training Beyond Belief” and judge for yourself:
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Friday is Black Friday. I can’t believe it. It’s the day that people get up at midnight (or don’t even actually go to sleep, since some stores have their sales begin at midnight).
It is the day where you can get up at 4:00 a.m. and get in line for a plasma television that is being sold for $179.95. They probably only have one, and you will have to wait in line for three hours to hopefully be the one person who is able to run and grab it first.
I don’t suggest dating on Black Friday. It’s not the best day in the world to go out on a date. The first date is not a good time to let someone see that you really are an animal when it comes down to buying an iPod for $1.00.
Dating during the holiday season, though, I think is really cool. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house we go . . . and all that fun stuff.
One of my favorite Thanksgiving memories was from when I in my 20s living in New York City. Wednesday night (before Thanksgiving) was the big night when all the floats and big balloon characters were being blown up on Columbus Avenue.
So we would go get drunk, walk around and check out the floats as they were blowing them up. Â It seemed like they would work on those floats all night long. It was a lot of fun. Â
Doing things like that reminds me of some great date ideas. This time of the year during the holiday season is such a great time to go out on dates. It really is.
The holidays are so much fun.
A great date idea is literally to go window shopping. Walk around your city or town, or go to the mall, and check out all the great holiday displays. Places go all out on their displays during this time of year.
One of my favorite things to do on this date is to play a game. At every window at which you look, have each of you say what you would pick in the window if you could have (or if you had to take) one thing displayed there. Have fun with it. It’s also a great way to find out a lot about the other person’s personality.
I always say on of the best dates is just a date that you don’t have to sit there and do the face-to-face resume swapping. Â Who really wants to resume swap on a date? Â
Really, what a lot of dates end of up being is a resume swap. “In the year 2002 I kissed Tom Williams, a guy I was dating for six months, for the first time. Tom and I broke up eight months later.” Women talk this way on boring first date dinner resume swapping dates. Men do it too. Â
Especially during this time of the year, I really believe that you can actually have a lot more fun on your dates by being creative. Being creative with your dates ideas allows both people on a date to be more relaxed, and allows both of you to learn a lot more about each other.
Creative dates also tend to be more fun, relaxing and laid back. You will be an instant hit by choosing these kind of dates.
In today’s podcast, I go even deeper into how to date during the holidays and give a lot of great suggestions for fun holiday dates.
Click here to listen now:
If you want to learn more about how to make your dates more successful and how to avoid the pitfalls that can turn a promising date into disaster, check out my Men’s Mastery Series and my Women’s Mastery Series programs.
Have a great Thanksgiving tomorrow!
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On Saturday night, we did something that we rarely do anymore. We went to a bar. We went there to celebrate a friend’s birthday after we saw Ray LaMontagne play in concert.
By the way, that Ray LaMontagne concert was just about the most exciting thing ever. He moved a total of about an eighth of an inch during the entirety of the show. He moves his foot one direction, he got all excited.
Every song sounded almost exactly the same, and it was one of the most boring concerts I have ever seen in my entire life. We actually left halfway through it because we just couldn’t take it anymore
.
When we left the concert, we went to the bar. As we were in there, I kept noticing some things that are really funny.
I would say about 80% of the people look like they are not having a good time at all. They are just standing there (or sitting there) like zombies. They are either texting other people who aren’t there, or they are looking around the room hoping that they can talk to people.
Then there is another group of people at the bar (the other 20%). These are the people who look like they are having a great time. Â They are jumping around and they are talking to everybody. Â
It’s funny. We talked to a whole bunch of people, and every conversation was like a meaningless ADD conversation. Every conversation was one of those fifteen to forty second conversations in which you get into a topic, only to all of a sudden have the conversation kind of die.
It just seems like everyone in a bar wants to have fun, but nobody really does have fun. Â
Perhaps if you are really drunk you will have a blast. I remember being drunk a few times in my life, and I have been a lot of fun in a bar. Â
The other funny thing about the bar is all the picture taking. Everyone was constantly taking pictures. They take out their little camera and start snapping picture after picture after picture after picture. They look at each picture immediately to see if they look good, and then take more pictures to try and get a better shot.
Bars are really funny places. Â The other day I took a client out, and he kept talking about going to events and bars and so forth. I said to him, “Why bother? Why bother going to places where nobody seems to be having fun, when you can walk into a supermarket and have a casual conversation with somebody based on natural chemistry?”
I don’t know. Â You tell me. Â Do you have fun in bars anymore? Â
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Happy Saturday to everyone. Today is another day in which I think you should take a break from reading, and do a little watching.
This is a great LIVE in-field video that shows you how to know what to say to any woman, anywhere – and how to approach any woman in a totally natural way. See why you never have to feel awkward or funny about approaching a woman ever again.
Have an amazing Saturday!
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In over 14 years of doing this, I think I have heard it all. I think I have heard every fear imaginable — fear of approaching, fear of getting intimate, fear of saying what’s on your mind and even fear of initiating that first kiss.
You guys have labeled all these things in so many different and creative ways, from monkey chatter to approach anxiety. I mean, if you Google “fear,” it is amazing how many different versions of it will pop up in the search results.
What I am about to share with you in today’s podcast is going to blow you away. I know that every week I tell you that the podcast is the most powerful one ever, but that is because every week I come up with something more powerful than the week before.
In this podcast, I am going to tell you why there are only two emotions in this world: one is love and the other is fear. Hate is fear. Approach anxiety is fear.
Love and fear really are the only two emotions, and in this podcast I explain to you how to really embrace loving everything and fearing nothing. Click here to listen now:
Also, if you want to learn how to truly embrace love in your life and also how to truly erase fear, then you need to check out my Men’s “What’s Your Excuse?” and my Women’s “No Excuses” programs.
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Are you somebody who really takes a lot of pride in washing out your containers (to make sure they don’t smell), before you put them into your neat little recycling bin that you put out on the curb every Tuesday? Are you a recycler?
We can talk about how passionate you are about recycling plastics and glass another day, because this blog isn’t about the environment and isn’t about that kind of recycling. This blog is about recycling people.
Do you recycle people? Are you someone who has been in a dating mode – you’ve dated twenty or thirty people – but you’re still single, so you start to wonder if you might have missed the right person along the way? Do you think, “I wonder if I should go out with [name] again?”
This is what I call being a dating recycler. Here is how I feel about recycling in dating: The reason you’re not with someone is because it wasn’t meant to be in the first place.
A lot of people think that they maybe should recycle some of the people from their past. The truth is, though, that the reason why you’re not with people from your past now is because you didn’t connect with them in the first place.
Recycling is wonderful for the environment, but it’s actually dangerous in dating. If you recycle when you date, you’ll end up breaking up with someone two, three or more times. I used to recycle people, but it never worked because chemistry with someone is either there or it isn’t there.
There are some asterisks to the rules about recycling. You could have met someone after a breakup, went out with them, and it wasn’t right. You could recycle that person because, technically, you were not in a relationship with them.
In general, though, recycling in dating just doesn’t work. It doesn’t work because it never worked in the first place. So keep on recycling those bottles and cans. It’s great for the environment, but lousy for dating.
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