So let’s talk about dates and dating this Friday.  I’m sure a few of you have a an exciting date, a hookup, a potential partner, an online date–somebody–that you’re going to meet up and hang out with this weekend.  You may be nervous and wanting to make a good first impression, you may  really be hoping you’re going to get laid, you might just be going through the motions and waiting for your date to make the first move.

Whatever ends up going through your head this weekend, one of the biggest stumbling blocks when you’re out with a new person you barely know is running out of things to talk about.  Even worse if you’re the type of person who runs out of things to talk about so consistently on your past dates that you already fear it’s going to happen on your next date!

Now I’m not talking about having a moment of silence, looking at your date, and understanding how to enjoy that silence.  What I mean is when you go on a date with a new person, talk about some boring topic neither of you really cares about for 30 minutes, then, almost like clockwork,  you have  no idea what to talk about or what to do after that boring 30 minute discussion.

Nobody enjoys a night of sitting across from somebody, staring at their food thinking, “Oh my god, what can I talk about?  Is she bored right now?  Does she think I’m a boring person?  Is this a really awkward date?”  Before you know it, you’re in your head the whole night and this date ends up being just another one to chuck onto your pile of uninspired mediocre first dates.  That’s  a surefire date-killer, a surefire way to go home alone, and a surefire way to not get that second date.

"Does she think I'm boring?"

So what is it that’s causing this?  Are you a boring person?  Is it just really difficult for a guy like you to have chemistry with many different women?  Are you doomed to go on tons and tons of dead-end dates until you finally find that one (out of 100 maybe) who you finally have some sort of a connection and some fun with?

I don’t really believe in boring people.  If you’re reading this, to me you’re an interesting person.  I really believe that.  But you have to believe it also, because if deep down inside you think that you’re just another boring guy, then that’s exactly what you’re going to project for as long as you continue to believe it about yourself.

While I don’t believe in boring people, I do believe in boring lives.  I guarantee there are a lot of guys reading right now, when you look and reflect back at what your week looks like, what your 2012 has looked like up until now, what your 2011 looked like last year, you will see a whole lot of dullness, mediocrity, and forgettable moments.  And it’s not because you are dull or mediocre.  It’s because of what you’ve chosen to fill your life with every single day.

If you’re consistently running out of things to talk about on your dates, if you’re having a hard time connecting with a woman who you actually really like and you want to see again, it’s not because of who you are as a person, it’s because of what you do with your time, what you think about, and what you experience every single day.

Every time you go out on a date, every time you try to connect with a woman, all you can bring with you is what you have experienced up until this point and what you experience in your daily life.  If you live a life that you’d rather not remember, if you think thoughts that you’d rather not share, if you look back and think, “God, what a boring month I had,” the only thing you’re going to deliver to the woman sitting across from you is the energy of a lifestyle you’d rather not share.

If you can’t enjoy your week all by yourself in whatever you do, you’re bringing to the table a guy who doesn’t know how to enjoy himself in the things he does and the people he’s with.  If you’re not inspired by your own life every day leading up to this Friday night, what makes you think you’re suddenly going to be able to flip the switch and make this Friday night any more inspiring?  

But if you are engaged in the things you do, guess what?  You’re going to be engaging to the woman who you’ve brought on this date with you.

So you can sit around and wait for that one out of 100 women who you finally connect with, or you can do something about your lifestyle, start making some changes, and start connecting with women everywhere.  So tonight before you go out, I want you to do yourself a favor and sit for a while in a quiet place.  Maybe turn off the radio on your 30 minute commute home, maybe crack a beer and sit quietly on the couch,  sit still and meditate, get in the zone on the treadmill at the gym, just do something to give your mind a little rest.

Think about the way you live your life right now and how you feel about your connection to the world around you.  Are you perfectly content?  Are you bored?  Do you see yourself as a boring person?  Would somebody else think that your life is interesting?

Now envision the way that you would like your life to be.  What kinds of changes could you make to start moving in that direction? What are some things you’ve thought about doing but have just never gotten around to?   What new things would you learn about?  Have you always wanted to sky dive?  Would you pick up a cooking class or learn some new recipes?  Would you cut out a day of lifting weights and pick up some yoga?  Would you travel to South America for a week instead of another shitty trip to Vegas?  Would you watch less How I Met Your Mother reruns and go to read the new releases at Borders?

Write down three new things that you would enjoy seeing in your lifestyle.  Put yourself out there so that others can see and write them in the comments section.  Because you can talk about it all day long, but the key is that you have to start doing it.  So pick the most important one, the one that jumps out at you the most, AND START DOING IT.  Even if it’s something as simple as trying out one new restaurant a week instead of getting takeout 3 times a week.

You can’t just read a blog post, learn some pickup line, or post your dating questions on the internet.  You have to make that commitment when you wake up that day and actually add something new and inspiring to your life.

This person is what I call “the conversation killer.” The conversation killer can’t just kick back and listen, and only join in when they have something to add to the current topic of conversation.

They are the person who gets annoyed because the conversation is not going their way or because they have nothing to contribute to the current topic of conversation. They always want to be able to say something during a conversation or control a conversation, and if they can’t then they will kill that conversation.

You see it all the time when you go out. You see the conversation killer strike, and then usually the entire group disburses. Yes, they all leave because they realize that they around the person who doesn’t pay attention to what other people say and who needs to be the center of attention.

A Great Conversation

Some of the best conversations I’ve ever had are ones in which I was just the listener. When you don’t know something and you can’t contribute, it’s fantastic to listen. The more you listen in life, the more you learn in life — and the more you will be able to contribute to future conversations.

So the next time you’re in a conversation that’s not swinging in your direction, listen, learn, and embrace the subject matter. If you do that, then the next time that same subject comes up in a conversation, you’ll be really glad you listened.

Your friend start talking to some people or to a woman, and there you are in the background. That leaves you hovering ten or fifteen feet away from the conversation.

You don’t join in the conversation because your ego won’t let you do it. You say to yourself, “Well my buddy is talking to first and I didn’t get to talk to her, so I am just going to stand in the background and look like a deaf mute.”

You don’t want to ever be ‘background guy.’ If your buddy walks over and starts talking to one person or to a group, then you go and hang out with him.

Just because you’re not talking or didn’t make the first approach, doesn’t mean that you can’t be actively listening to the conversation. When you actively listen to a conversation, you can join in when something intrigues you.

If you’re in the background, though, you don’t hear any of that conversation. So there is no way for you to easily join in that conversation at any point because you are a ‘background guy.’

Don’t ever be a ‘background guy,’ because background guys are forgotten. You literally are the background, like when you look at a scene in a movie with tons of extras in the background.

Those extras never get to speak. Do you know why? It’s because they are just background people.

There is no need for this to be you. So don’t ever be ‘background guy.’

He’s a little version of me . . . literally. I’m 6’2″ and he’s 5’7″. He’s almost like my adopted son. He’s an amazing, loving and honest person, but like any child he can also drive me crazy.

One way that Jacob drives me crazy is that he doesn’t understand what following up is. Follow-up is the key to life.

Now Jacob knows how to follow up with women, but sometimes when I give him work tasks he will follow up on his own schedule. He’s fine with me writing this blog, by the way, because he’s always contributing – in the blog, being there for all you guys, and he is always about self-growth. He will always admit both his strong points and his weak points.

Follow-up is the key to anybody being very successful in life. This is not just about dating either.

Granted, if you get a phone number from a woman you need to follow up with her. If you’re the least bit interested, you should follow up right away. I always say that you should give someone a call within 24 hours.

Call them (or call them back) and rephrase something you talked about with them that interested you. That way the conversation feels like a never-ending conversation. Things will flow really easily.

A lot of guys will get a phone number and they’ll wait two weeks to call that woman. Then when they do call, the woman will wonder why it took him so long to call. Even if you say that you were traveling or give some other reason, the woman will no longer be interested.

By not calling for two weeks, you just look like another ass. You look like a guy who is playing games and didn’t make her a priority.

Every woman wants to feel like a priority. I don’t care if it’s the first time you go out with her or the hundredth time you go out with her, every woman wants to feel special.

Follow-up is the key in dating and in every other part of life. If you are in sales and you get a sales lead on which you don’t follow up right away, you are never going to make that sale.

Someone calls you at your office and it takes you four days to follow up with them. In this day and age, there are so many different ways to communicate – you have emails, texts, and cell phones. So you don’t even have to be home or at your office to send someone a message.

If you can’t call someone right away, how hard is it to just send somebody a quick email saying “I’m busy for the next day or two, but I really look forward to speaking with you after that. Have a great few days!”

It’s all about following up. All successful people understand that follow-up is one of the things that made them successful.

You want to be successful at dating?  You better learn how to follow up.  If you want to be successful in business, you better really learn how to follow up.

So many people put things off. Those are the people who wake up every New Year’s Day wondering why they aren’t making enough money or aren’t successful in their dating life. They are the ones who write down the same New Year’s resolutions year after year.

If you really want to succeed with life — with women, in business, or in anything else — you need to learn to follow up. If you’re poor at following up, put a “to do” list together every single day. As you do each thing on the list, cross it out.

At the end of the day, look at your “to do” list and transfer all the items that aren’t scratched out on a new piece of paper as your next day’s “to do” list. Every time that you think of something you need to do, write it down right away so you don’t forget.

Say you’re busy doing three or four things and all of a sudden you remember that you need to call Joe. Since you are in the middle of another task, just write down “Call Joe” on your list and that way you will remember to do it after you’re finished.

Another reason to make this list for yourself each day, is that writing everything down gives you a way to prioritize. You can put older tasks on the top and newer ones on the bottom, or maybe you put the most important things on the top of the list. The important thing is that you re-look at your “to do” list every single day.

When I was dating a lot, I would write down every woman that I met. I would write down what they were about, who they were and when I called them (or was going to call them).

I would write all that down automatically — “Met Jane at Whole Foods. Call her Tuesday.” Then I would write things I learned about them like, “Called Jane and met her yesterday. She was cool, liked ….”

I would do this because I know in life we get really busy, and then all of a sudden you’ve forgotten to call a great woman because time got away from you. If you do call her after three or four days have gone by, she’s going to look at it as you being rude.

So get a yellow pad, start writing things down and get that “to do” list together! Review your “to do” list several times a day, and make sure you remain focused and on track.

All of you can thank Coach Jacob for this great blog. I wrote it, but he made me feel it.

Click here to listen to me talk all about my personal tricks to how to become successful in every part of your life — and how to create a roadmap on how to get there.

Slipping off into “Me World” during a conversation could happen out of fear or out of disinterest, or it could happen simply because you fail to remain present. At the moment you feel yourself starting to go in that direction, you need to dial yourself back become totally present in that conversation (whether you’re talking or just listening).

It’s a really powerful thing to be able to just listen while staying present. It’s equally powerful to be able to remember things about people after you have a conversation with them.

At the end of every conversation you have with someone, there’s a a couple different ways to remember about the person with whom you were talking and about the things they said to you. One thing you can do is your phone and dictate on the spot four interesting things you learned about them. The other way is to keep a pad and pen with you, and to write those things down manually.

So how would this work? Well say that you were walking down the street and you came upon a mother with her young daughter. You say, “How come you’re not in school?” The little girl tells you it’s her spring vacation. You then learn that the family is going to Mexico for spring vacation and that the little girl has a dog named Max that she’s going to miss when she’s gone.

To work on your memory, at the end of this conversation you would dictate to your phone (or you’d write down), “Met this woman today who has a daughter. She and her family are going to Mexico on spring break. The little girl was so proud of not being in school, and told me all about how she will miss her dog Max while they’re gone.

Do this for thirty days. It’s not that you need to remember all this about these particular people, but by doing this exercise over and over you will train your memory to be better. You can then use this better memory whether it’s when you run into people a second or third time, or whether it’s when you are out there meeting members of the opposite sex.

I did this exercise myself a long time ago. Now I don’t forget anything about anyone, whereas I never used to be able to remember much about anyone I’d meet. Really, I used to remember nothing about people I’d meet.

By doing this exercise, it forces you to remember everything because you’ve made recording these details into almost a responsibility and an assignment. Commit to doing this for thirty days, and you will be so glad you did when you see how much you’ve built up your memory.

Anyway, there was something interesting I was thinking about the other day. I was thinking about how all of us have three hands. We have two hands with which we are born, and a third hand called a cell phone that we purchase from T-Mobile, Sprint, AT&T or Verizon.

Sometimes that third hand really ruins conversations and connection with other people. It also causes that really annoying feeling you get when you’re hanging out with someone and they are constantly responding to their phone.

In life, we don’t always need to get back to people right away. Go back ten or fifteen years when we had cell phones with unlimited minutes and which didn’t have email capabilities. Back then, you weren’t able to return an email or check your voicemail every minute of the day.

Do you remember the days when we weren’t texting people in restaurants, and we actually paid attention to the person across the table from us? Remember when we didn’t feel the need to immediately get back to the person on the other end of a text?

Do you remember the days when we used to have an office, and we used to check and return messages just while we were there? We didn’t feel the need to get back to someone at 10:00 pm on a Friday.

We need to disconnect from our cell phones just a little bit, because it’s starting to kill intimacy between between people. It’s starting to kill moments.

I personally find it really offensive when I am out with someone, and they look at and respond to messages on their cell phone. It makes me think, “What about me? I’m here. My time is definitely worth something. Why can’t you give me the time that I need right now? Why do I need to watch you get back to somebody?”

We’ve become a society that has to answer people right away for no reason at all. Pay attention to the person in front of you. The other person will just have to wait like the good old days for an answer.

That reminded me of a woman I dated about fourteen years ago named Denise. I told my girlfriend the story about the time that Denise dropped her kid off at my office, and the kid proceeded to wreak complete havoc.

I said it was at that moment I realized that I could not be in a relationship with her, because I was not ready to take on someone’s kid and to be a dad. No matter how wonderful Denise was, I simply was not in that place in my life.

All of a sudden, and just as I finished that sentence, out of the corner of my eye I notice this woman with crazy eyes at another table peering toward our table. We had not been speaking unusually loudly. We were just speaking in a normal conversational voice to each other.

The woman with the crazy eyes at the other table then said, “Excuse me. Do you mind? This really hits home for me.” I look over there and all I see is a kid sitting at the table with her eating a sundae.

I’m thinking, “This woman is a crazy mother and a nut!” I look at my girlfriend, but I can’t say a word because I unbelievably have this person leaning in, eavesdropping and telling us what we are allowed to talk about with each other across the dinner table.

Now I’m ready to just battle down with this woman, but my girlfriend gives me a cautioning look and says “The kid’s here.” So, we just got up and we left.  This woman was out of her mind!

Do you look at another couple like that when you’re out in a restaurant? Let’s say a couple has a date and they’re talking dirty to each other, whispering sweet nothings and having a good time telling each other all the things they want to do to each other later.

Are you going to be the buzz kill in that situation? Are you going to look at them and say “Excuse me. I haven’t been laid in over three years and this is really hitting close to home for me. I’m really tired of masturbating nonstop. So, would you mind not talking to each other like that?”

What about if you’re sitting next to a couple in a restaurant and a man is sharing with his wife what a great day he had at the office. Would you ever look at them and say, “I have a really shitty job. Do you mind not talking about that right now?”

Anyone who is familiar with my work knows that I am all about eavesdropping. I encourage people to join conversations. If you hear a group of people talking about something that interests you, join the conversation and add to it.

You, however, should never join a conversation to kill it. Never put your crazy psycho energy on someone else. Never tell anyone what they should (or should not) talk about in a private conversation.

So what I was talking about privately to my girlfriend hit home for this woman? I am sorry you may have made some bad choices. I am sorry that the man you chose is a deadbeat dad to your daughter. My heart bleeds for you.

You know what, though? You should never ever listen to someone else’s conversation and tell them what they should or shouldn’t say.

This would only happen in California. This woman was crazy.

We actually had a wonderful laugh about it as we left. In fact, the whole way home we kept laughing and wondering what was wrong with that woman.

Why do people feel the need to do things like this? It reminds me of a blog I wrote a long time ago about people like this. Really, what is wrong with some people? Crazy energy. Crazy eyes. Crazy people.

I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, but one of the best Sunday exercises is going to a museum or an art gallery and hanging out there.

Hang out there for two or three hours and have conversations with every single person you see. Everyone.

Walk over to them and say, “excuse me, what do you think of this painting?” or “how does this painting make you feel?” You will get into great conversations all day long.

This teaches you a few things. For one, it shows you that people don’t bite – nothing bad is going to happen to you if you talk to people.

Secondly, it’s great practice. It teaches you how to listen. You have to listen to be able to talk about the subject that you’re discussing.

Specifically in terms of artwork, there is so much going on in front of you. We’re in a museum right now, and a client just told me how easy it is in here, because there are so many things to talk about – the things on the wall, the collections, etc.

But life itself is like a museum! After you go to a museum, you can walk around your life and find anything to talk about. You find things to discuss and things to ask questions about.

Today, during a bootcamp, we started at a food market, and all of the conversations started with talking about brownies and pastries. And all of those people we talked to came back to talk to us later.

This is why observations are so powerful. In a grocery store, in a museum, in an art gallery – you have all of these opportunities to talk about the things that are going on.

A good salesperson will get on the phone and talk to the person on the other end, “Hey man, how are you doing today? Are you having a great day?” He or she will start bantering back and forth.

For you, no sales pitches are necessary. Just flirt. If you think about it, we really flirt all day long.

You have to create that banter – whether you’re a salesperson or just looking for a date. Life is about cold calling. You never know what someone is going to say to you, so you have to start off with some type of friendly banter (instead of just going straight in for the kill!)

You think, I really want to ask her out, so you just walk over to her and say, “Hey, do you want to go out?” It doesn’t work that way. You have to start with friendly banter.

So how do you do this friendly banter? How do you cold call your way through life and succeed?

You succeed by picking up on the clues in your environment. You observe the clues of people’s body language. You observe the things that people are doing and experiencing. These are the things you make comments on. To bond with someone, you have to share something. You must share something about yourself to get that connection with someone.

Here is a good exercise to learn how to cold call in your life: think to yourself about how you can open this specific person based on your observations of what’s going on? How can you have the best cold call there is?

Think about who the best cold callers are in the business world – they are the ones that don’t care so much about the outcome. They just whip through as many as they can in an hour.

When you’re out there trying to meet women, you want to try to talk to everybody. You want to get through as many people as you can so you get warmed up. If you’re not sufficiently warmed up, every cold call you make is going to be very uncomfortable.

Start looking at your life as one giant cold call!

David: So what you’re worried about is not the opener, right? You’ve opened a woman up, but you’re worried about creating that attraction throughout the conversation, right?

Client: Yeah, that, and having something to say immediately after opening her, especially if she’s not giving me a lot to go off of.

David: Okay. So she’s not giving you a lot to go off of. A lot of women do this. But if you’ve opened her in the right way – based on an observation, based on what she was already thinking – you’re getting some type of answer back from her.

So let’s say you walk over to a group of women sitting there at a table. You say, “Hey, that food looks really good! What is that exactly?” One of them might respond, “It’s the special.” You say, “What is the special?” Then she tells you about it.

You can go back to her table 20 minutes later and say, “Oh man, I ordered that special, and it’s just not as good as you said it was!” You can return and follow the conversation. You don’t have to worry about coming up with something new every time.

You can give her 15 to 30 good seconds to think about it, and then remember what she said and come back to her about it. Come back at her with the things that you talked about with her previously.

Carry the conversation. Pay attention to what is going on. That is really the only way to do that. Otherwise, you don’t keep the conversation flowing or moving.

So really gather that information. Pretend that you’re an investigator. You’re like a CSI – it’s a crime scene. You’re this great investigator, and you’re trying to figure out exactly what this person is all about.

What are you learning about this person from the very first time? What did you learn?

And then when you go back to talk to them again, start the conversation based on what you’ve already learned. You’re just uncovering a mystery – she’s a mystery.

If you pay attention to what she is saying the first time you talk to her, then you will have plenty of things to talk about the next time you approach her.

Let’s say you’re talking to a girl in a coffee shop and she says, “You know, I love Italian coffee. It’s my favorite thing ever!” So then five minutes later you can talk to her again while she’s sipping her coffee and ask her, “So how did you end up falling in love with Italian coffee? Have you been to Italy?”

She might respond, “Oh my god, I went to Italy, it’s my favorite!” You ask, “what’s so great about Italy?” and then she’ll tell you. She’ll tell you how much she loves Rome – the history, the culture, blah blah blah… so the next time you talk to her you can say, “Man, you have to tell me more about Rome. I’ve never been there, but I’ve heard that the Coliseum is phenomenal. What was your favorite thing?”

So do you see how that happens? You’re moving that conversation forward. You’re remembering things that she talked about previously and then moving the conversation forward. You’re taking that conversation somewhere and turning it into something instead of this blasé chat that you have to start fresh every time.

It’s about paying attention to the details and being a really good investigator. The more you investigate, the easier it will be.

Client: And how do you avoid being one of those fucking guys who are hammering a girl with endless questions?

David: The most important difference is that you’re actually listening to her answers and sharing yourself with her at the same time.

When she tells you how much she loves Italy, you’re saying, “Oh my god, I love Italy too! I went to Italy one summer a few years ago and the food was amazing! What was your favorite thing that you ate there?” She answers, “Oh, I had the best pizza at this restaurant in Positano.”

You respond, “Oh my god, I was never in Positano, but I had this great pizza in….” and you share a story with her. You go into storytelling mode and share with her your experience there. This is how you avoid being Larry King and peppering her with questions.

You’re becoming an investigator, but you’re also sharing your own stories and bonding with her through it.

So that is how you do it. It’s a conversation. Think about having a conversation with your friends. If you speak to women as you speak to your friends, you’ll be fine.

All we’re really doing is trying to escalate attraction with everyone we connect with. The real reason we befriend somebody is because we connect with them and we show interest in each other’s lives.

So you’re really letting your true personality come out in this way.