Now it’s been a while since I wrote anything about bars and clubs.  To be honest, it’s been a while since I’ve been out to any clubs.  But I’m going to be out on the town this weekend with some friends, so I figured I’ll put you guys in the right mindset with a question that comes from an email I got last week:

Hey Shogo,

Thanks so much for the coaching call yesterday, I got some great advice out of it and can’t wait to put it to use.  One question.  Could you help me out with cock blocks in a bar or club, they can be very annoying and ignorant I find and I’ve been cockblocked now and again.  So what could ya say to the guy to stop?

J, Ireland

Hey J,

Here’s how I feel about cock blocking.  I never get cock blocked.  It just doesn’t happen to me. So what that means is that cock blocking has nothing to do with another guy being an asshole, swooping in and taking “your” woman.  It’s got everything to do with YOU.  You can learn all the quick and witty comeback lines and banter you want to be prepared for a so-called cock block, but it’s not going to stop it from happening to you.

Because cock blocking only happens to certain types of guys.  And it happens to them over and over again.

Guys who are very hesitant about expressing themselves to a woman.  Guys who don’t claim their space.  Guys who keep their distance and are afraid to get close out of fear that he’s offending her or coming across as “giving her the wrong idea”.

When you do that, other guys will notice it and see that there is no chemistry there.  Maybe you just look like friends.  Maybe a guy is an asshole, and sees an opportunity there to come in and take her away.  In any case, she’s clear for the taking to any other swinging dick who walks by.

Cock blocking happens to guys who don’t intrigue women.  If she is interested in you and the conversation you are having, she will stand there and listen to everything you have to say.  When she’s not into you, her eyes will start darting across the room, hoping for her friend or some other more interesting guy to come rescue her.

When that starts happening, you’re done. Nothing can save you.  She’ll pray for someone else to come join the conversation.  She’ll be totally open to starting a conversation and flirting with another guy who’s around her.  And a guy who sees that will jump right in.  Sometimes she’ll start a conversation with another guy.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone up to the bar to get a drink, and a girl standing there will turn and start talking to me while another guy was just in mid-conversation with her.

Then I’d look over her at the poor guy’s disillusioned face and give him a little shrug.  Does that make me a cock-block?  Does that make me an asshole?  No.  It means she was bored to death with the other guy and wanted talk to me instead.  It means the other guy needed some coaching—not on how to deal with cock blocks, but on how to keep her intrigued.  Because I’m no better than the guy who just got shoved out of the picture.  But I’m much better in conversation.

Cock blocking happens to guys who don’t claim their own space and walk over with confidence and start great conversations with women everywhere they go.  Cockblocking happens to guys who talk to one or two women a night, and then CLING onto those conversations like their lives depended on it.

Sound familiar, victim of cock blocking?

You sit in the corner of the bar, waiting for what to say to that one girl you’ve been looking at for the past 45 minutes, then you finally get up the guts to approach her and hope it really works out because this is your one shot for the night.

Instead you try and try and try with that one girl you finally approached, even when there’s no chemistry.  And the more you try with a girl who’s only lukewarm about you, the longer you stand there struggling, the more likely some guy with dimples and a great smile is going to wink at her and jump in to the rescue.

So you’re still asking why you need to start conversations with women everywhere?  This is why.  Because when you start doing that, you will start having an abundance mindset.  You’ll start approaching women everywhere.  When I go out, I talk to girls everywhere.  Quick, 30-second conversations.  If there’s no chemistry, if she doesn’t want to talk to me, I move on.  I don’t stand around in a shitty conversation, struggling to make things happen, and wait to be cock blocked by some guy she likes better than me.

You think you’ve been cock blocked, but you really just cock blocked yourself.

Now don’t mistake what I’m saying. The world is pretty equal in a lot of ways, and women are very successful in the business world. Women have become equally independent to men in many cases, buying their own homes and achieving financial success equal to (or sometimes greater than) men.

The way most successful career women became successful, though, is they fought for it. They played “the man’s game.” They challenged men head-on in the boardroom, at business meetings, in court and in sales.

They were tough. They were ambitious. They were competitive. They were aggressive. They took charge.

All of these qualities are fantastic for women to have and utilize to become successful in their careers. They are the same qualities that men can carry over into their dating lives and which will attract women they meet. As a woman, though, the reverse is not really true.

If you’re a woman and you’re out on a date, the guy doesn’t want to be interrogated by the CEO. The guy also doesn’t want to be interrogated by the top saleswoman, lawyer, or executive. The guy wants to be with the feminine part of you.

So what you need to do when you’re out on a date is to bring out your feminine side. You need to bring out the woman that the guy wants to see.

Now granted, unless you’ve just met a man he already knows what you do for a living and how successful you are. So don’t think I’m talking about hiding or downplaying any of your career success. I’m also not talking about you needing to be less successful than any man you date.

What I’m saying is that it’s okay to let a man be “the man” in the dating dynamic. A lot of women have become the man in their relationships. They’ve become the CEO of their relationships. They’ve become the CEO of the bedroom.

Now I understand that it can difficult for women to initially switch gears between how they act at work and how they act when they’re in a personal relationship with men. I also don’t want any woman to think that men don’t appreciate some of these “career qualities” in women. Men love women who are smart and passionate about their lives.

The fact of the matter is, though, that it is your feminine energy that attracts men to you – it’s the way you act, the way you smell, the way you touch and the way you taste. So if you’re looking to connect with men on a deeper level, you need to be able to separate the “work you” from the “personal side you.”

Men need to see the personal side of you and experience your feminine energy when you’re out on a date with them, because they don’t want to go out with an interrogator. They don’t want to feel like they’re on a job interview. They don’t want to feel like they’re being evaluated and questioned.

This is a quality that a lot of very successful women bring into the dating world. They interact with men on a date the same way they interact with men on the job. While men will respect you for this in the boardroom, it will not create attraction for you in the dating world.

If you are one of these successful career women, you need to find your feminine side again so you can take her out when you leave the office. In order to become a great feminine woman again, you need to tap into the very sexy side of you that you’ve hidden.

Remember that when you’re on a date with a man, that you don’t have to battle him like you do men at work. You don’t need to battle with us at dinner. You don’t need to battle with us in the bedroom. Then again, a battle in the bedroom can sometimes be a lot of fun . . .