There is another aspect to relationships, though, about which I want to talk. It is a different way of looking at relationships.

A relationship is really just a series of misunderstandings. Think about it.

You’re in a relationship. You’re getting along great. Everything is perfect.

Then, all of a sudden, you have a misunderstanding. What happens when you have that misunderstanding? Both people will usually go into defense mode.

Defense mode is so much fun, it really is. One person hurts the other person. Instead of apologizing, the person will say “The reason why I hurt you was . . . ” and they will give a list. They will say things like, “It’s just because of the way you talked to me. So then I said that back to you.”

It seems like nobody can really just look at each other and say, “I’m sorry.” So many people have trouble saying those two words. Why is it so hard to say ‘I’m sorry?’

If you hurt someone, don’t go into defense mode and let yourself justify needing to get your reasons across. Why not just apologize once in a while?

If you would do this, then maybe you’d have fewer misunderstandings. A relationship is really a series of misunderstandings until you finally give in and understand one another.

So many things in a relationship can go wrong. The problem is that during these misunderstandings, it is hard to let go of that for which you are fighting.

It’s hard to let go of a lot of things. The thing about a relationship is that you need to let go and try to understand the other person better.

If that person asks you for the same things over and over again and yet you don’t do it, obviously you’re not doing something they would like you to be doing. Instead of just doing that thing, however, people will cause a misunderstanding by getting defensive and saying something like “I do all these other things for you, so why aren’t you satisfied?”

That person probably is satisfied. They just want or need more of something. Part of a relationship with someone is to give the other person unconditionally the things that they need in addition to the things you want to do for them.

Relationships would have far fewer misunderstandings if people would get out of defense mode, dropped the ego and really looked at each other as being on the same team. Otherwise, a relationship will just continue to be a series of misunderstandings.

One new thing I’m involved in that I wanted to let all of you know about . . .

I’m the next editor for a project called “The Love Letter Collection.” If you have a love letter you want me to consider, go to this webpage and submit it: http://collectiveexperience.org/love/love.html. It can be a love letter you’ve sent, received or would like to send (but can’t). All submissions are anonymous.

Anyway, there is nothing better than to see how life has changed, and to really reconnect with old friends. What is really amazing is being able to see how this friend has progressed through life, and how he has grown since the crazy wild days of my 20s in New York City.

Something that I realized is that it is never too late to search out an old friend, because the bridge to your pasts can really help you understand who you are today. So today, think about making a list of some people with whom you would really like to reconnect. Then get on Facebook and search them out.

Good friends from your past are probably also wondering about you. It’s never too late to pick up where you left off with someone.

No on to today’s blog where I tell you how to take a look at how you are interracting with the person you see all the time…

So you’ve started this great relationship and everything is going really well. You’re having so much fun. She’s the one for you, and you are the one for her.

Then you get in your first fight. You start brawling.  You start screaming and yelling.  

All of a sudden, you get into a pattern wherein you start arguing with this person on a regular basis. You think to yourself, “God, we got along so well the first three months. What happened?!”

You need to think about your arguments. Are you arguing just for the sake of arguing? Are you just trying to get your point across when you argue? Is your ego not allowing you to hear another viewpoint? Do you just argue because you are a lawyer deep down and you want to win every single argument?

You have to look at these things.  A lot of arguments with your partner are just an absolute waste of time, they really are.  They’re ridiculous.  They mean absolutely nothing, and are often times just silly.  

One thing that I’ve learned in life, and it’s something that’s really important, is when you’re arguing with your partner you need to walk away once it starts. The argument could be about something really stupid (which many arguments are), like about you forgetting to walk the dog when it was your turn to do it.

Instead of saying “You’re absolutely right. I’m sorry I didn’t walk the dog,” you say something like “Oh, I got busy.” You defend yourself, and that escalates into a bigger argument.

The problem with arguments is that they can get pretty ugly when you get into them. When they get ugly, you may start to hit below the belt. A lot of us are below the belt fighters. I learned from my mom how to hit below the belt in an argument.

A lot of people have the mindset that if you’re going to argue with someone, you might as well get ugly and let everything in your head out. The problem is that the things that come out of your mouth at that point tend to be both stupid and below the belt comments. Those below the belt things can get pretty nasty.

It’s funny. If you look at every single argument you have, they all start with same basic little things.

So my advice to you is that the second you get into an argument with somebody or feel frustrated, walk away.  Catch your breath, and apologize immediately if you were at fault. A simple apology based on a simple misconceived moment can actually go a long way to saving you from those horrible argument moments.

Now on today’s non-football related topic…

Let’s talk about relationships and, specifically, about being stubborn in a relationship. Let’s talk about giving in when you’re in a relationship.

When you’re in a relationship, you will have arguments. You will sometimes argue about something even when you know the other person has a valid point. Your ego wants to “win” and be right, so you’ll get into an argument instead of really thinking about what the other person was saying.

During every argument, there will come a time when someone needs to give in . . . but it seems like everyone always wants the other person to be the one to do it.
Each person will think, “I don’t want to hug them first” or “I don’t want to make the first move.”

How many nights when you’re in a relationship has your bed felt like it has an imaginary dividing line down the middle? You might accidentally touch knees or ankles in the middle of the night, and you jump because you don’t want to make the first move.

I mean, it’s crazy how many people are stubborn. I, myself, am very stubborn. I hate apologizing. I have always hated apologizing.

I have always hated making the first move. My mindset was always, “Why should I make the first move. They are the ones who brought the issue up.” The fact of the matter is that relationships tend to get very sour very quickly if both of you are being stubborn.

How many nights do you want to sleep on opposite ends of the bed? How many nights do you want to look at your lover and realize that what you’re fighting about is really ridiculous?

Saying you are sorry is really easy. Saying you are sorry and really meaning it is sometimes harder. So I think you need to really realize what your arguments are really about in your relationship, and start to see that it’s really not worth it 90% of the time.

Check out this great new in field approach video we shot last week. Its all about how to approach a group of women,

Do you know what I like about getting deep and really talking like this? You learn so much about yourself, about your lover and about how to get closer to each other.

I truly believe that in order to make things amazing in your relationship, you need to get down to the core of your behaviors. I’m going to share more about this a future blog.

Right now, though, let’s talk about another conversation. One that is needed for all lovers to share…
You know, it’s really interesting. I was recently talking to a female client who said to me, “David, I’m having this great sexual relationship with a man but I don’t really know how to communicate things. I love what he does to me, but I don’t know how to communicate more with him in bed.”

Then I asked her a list of things to find out what she likes that he does to her, and also told me what he likes to do and the kind of sex they have together. She also told me what she likes that he does.

So I asked her, “Do you tell him this? Do you tell him that you love when he has sex with you in certain ways? Do you tell him that you love when he goes down on you in a certain way? Do you tell him that you love the way he massages your body? Do you tell him any of that?”

She said, “No I don’t.” I told her that as a man, I want to be told those kind of things.

Let’s say I have great sex with a woman or try a new position or something and the next day she tells me how much she loved what I did to her with that new position. What am I going to want to do? I’m going to want to do it again and again in that position. Even if it wasn’t my favorite position in the world, I’m going to want to do it again and again and again.

Why? I want to do that because in these situations I’m fully embracing their wishes and desires. I’m putting it in my memory bank.

Every time each of you put something in your memory bank, what you’re doing is programming each other. I think everyone needs to reprogram their lover in every which way.

You need to forget about the past, and you need to look at your lover and start finding new ways to make love to each other. So, every single time your lover tells you something that they loved sexually that you did, put it in that memory bank and remember it.

You need to encourage the other person. If the other person does something to you one night and it feels great, encourage them. Say, “I love the way you do that…” What happens when you start doing that, is they are going to want to do those things to you over and over again.

Thank that person for giving themselves to you. Don’t expect, but thank that person. Start doing thiss and your sex life is going to go off the charts.

Let’s talk a little about relationships today…

Anyone who has read me knows that there is something I say over and over again (because it is so important!): To be able to truly love yourself and to truly be able to love someone else, you must drop the ego. This is absolutely essential to finding an amazing relationship, but it’s equally critical to maintaining and continually improving a relationship once you’re already in it.

Nothing will kill a relationship (even the best of relationships) more quickly than ego. Here are 6 ways your ego can kill your relationship, and how to avoid having your ego ruin your relationship.

1.Resist The Temptation To Defend Yourself: Think about the number of times you’ve fought with a significant other, and whenever things get a little heated you start to defend yourself. All you hear is you being attacked, and you immediately go into “defending yourself” mode. Do you know that when you defend yourself in a fight, what’s really happening is your ego is defending itself.

It also means that you’ve stopped listening to the other person.  If someone tells you that they don’t like the way you’ve been acting lately, why not hear them out instead of defending yourself? It will almost always create a MUCH better outcome. 

2.To Love Yourself And Someone Else Completely You Must Separate The Ego: In order to truly love someone, you must separate your ego from yourself. This is also true if you want to be able to totally love yourself. Now, I know that in a perfect world, we would never be ego-driven. This is not a perfect world of course, so let’s get real. We are all ego-driven to some extent or another, so let’s acknowledge it and embrace that we need to separate the ego to cultivate and maintain a truly amazing relationship with someone.  

3.Your Ego Can Ruin Any Conversation: The truth is that no matter how much you prepare, plan and hope for a good conversation with your significant other, your ego is the one thing that will consistently ruin any conversation you’re about to have if you let it. 

Let’s say your significant other is frustrated with you in one way or another and really needs to express something about that to you. How do you respond? If you let your ego get involved and you defend yourself, it means that you’re not listening to them.

In order to really listen to somebody, it’s uncomfortable.  Sometimes your significant other has things that are really bothering them about which they want to talk to you, but which you would rather not hear. To maintain a great relationship, however, you can’t let your ego keep you from really listening.

This is a topic that we will go much deeper into another day.

But think about these 3 topics and ask yourself are you guilty of this?

So the next time you see your ego getting involved in your relationship, get rid of it! If you find yourself defending yourself or not allowing you to really listen, then you need to take a step back. Listen carefully to what’s really being said, and use it to create the most amazing relationship.