I don’t care who makes it from the National League, because the Yankees are winning it all this year. You can take that prediction to the bank . . . and maybe even to the bedroom.

Life is not fair.  The other night I was having a conversation with someone about sex. I’m not going to tell you all the specifics, other than to tell you that after that discussion, I was absolutely orgasm envious! So let’s talk about orgasms, and I will tell you the reason why I’m orgasm envious.

By the way, if I could have one wish it would be that I could have a vagina for a day. I just think it would be so much fun. I already know exactly what kind of orgasms I’d want to have. I’d love to know how to have multiple orgasms through all different ways.

I’d want to have a g-spot orgasm. Of course there is the clitoris, so I’d want at least one clitoral orgasm (since the only reason it exists is for pleasure). Then there is this other place way back in the bowels of the vagina that supposedly can create a whole other type of orgasm.

I mean, give me a break. Right there, that’s three different kinds of orgasms! We men only get one kind.

I really don’t, however, want to talk today about the unfairness of orgasm counts between the sexes. What I really want to talk about today is sexual prime.

By the time men hit the age of 25, they are basically out of their sexual prime. Age 25? Half of the guys out there don’t even get laid enough to enjoy their sexual prime while they’re in it. Then by the time they are getting enough sex, they are already out of their sexual prime.

Women, on the other hand, don’t hit their sexual prime until they are around 37 years old. Think about the way that balances out.

By the time a guy is 37 years old, he isn’t exactly producing the same amount of “little swimmers” as he used to produce. Not only that, he doesn’t really want to have sex five times a day anymore (while women at that same age are machines!).

It’s no wonder that 37 year old women are the number one consumers of vibrators. They can basically vibrate their day away.

It’s really not fair the way things line up here. It really seems like things are very askew. It’s no wonder that there are so many cougars running around out there.

If I were a 37 year old woman who was hanging out with a Viagra-infused 55 year old guy with no stamina, I would certainly go find myself a young buck. I mean look at Demi Moore.

Don’t ever give her a hard time. She has a guy who is (whoops, I mean was) in his sexual prime. Wait, she may need to go find someone even younger. Justin Timberlake and Zach Efron, Demi Moore may be calling you really soon.

All joking aside, it just doesn’t seem right how the sexual prime thing is set up. Is this God’s way of punishing us? Someone was being mean when they designed the penis and the vagina. Why aren’t those two things created to be in alignment with one another?

Can all the guys remember when you were 18 and you basically would hump the air every five seconds (almost like a dog that humps the air all the time)? The reason why you were humping air was because you constantly wanted your dick to be touched.

I remember when I was 18 years old. I was so penis conscious, it was ridiculous. I felt my penis nonstop. No, I don’t mean that I touched my penis nonstop. I was just aware of it nonstop.

My penis led my life. It made me sleep with some really iffy women. It wasn’t my idea to sleep with them. It was my penis’ idea.

Not only that, but some guys can’t snuggle with a woman until they hit 28 years old. When you are a male who is 22 or 23 years old and your girlfriend asks you to snuggle, you have to go to the bathroom and snap a load off before you can do it.

This sexual prime gap between men and women just does not seem fair. Something is kharmically wrong here! It’s a mean joke. It’s like our sexual primes should have been matched.

Then again, some of this seeming mismatch may actually have been designed better than we thought. So although a guy past his sexual prime may no longer be able to pump and grind five times in one night, he can really satisfy a woman during the one time they do it and will be more likely to want to engage in a lot more of the foreplay that women crave so much.

Then, last night, I finally made a big decision in my life. My heart was a little broken. My soul was a little twisted. I didn’t know what to do this morning, as I was still feeling a little anxious from last night.

After lots of soul-searching, though, I knew it was a decision I had to make. I had to kick her out … After six months of listening to Daphne snore, chomp and smack her lips all night long, we finally put her bed in the hallway.

For those of you who are members of PETA, this was not dog abuse. It was the end of human abuse. We could no longer take one more night of being kept up listening to Daphne snore and chomp and smack her lips nonstop.

I think it might be better for everyone involved. Plus, really, what does she know? We could probably put her bed on the porch and she wouldn’t know the difference. For the sanity of our bed, though, the dog had to move.

I still felt a little funny about it this morning. It was, after all, our first night ever not sleeping together. As I took Daphne for a walk on the beach, she looked at me and I at her, and I knew she we would be okay. If we don’t have to deal with my girlfriend’s insomnia, we would all feel better.

Now onto another issue that many men are facing in their beds right now…

Please lay off the vibrators.  Trust me, I am not a man who is jealous of a vibrator. What I have found, though, is that some women are so vibrator dependent that trying to get them to have an orgasm by licking or playing with their clit is like trying to negotiate traffic on the 405 freeway in Los Angeles. It’s next to impossible.

So many women are vibrator dependent because a vibrator works so fast and produces such a centralized orgasm. Our tongues can never work that fast. We don’t vibrate at 10,000 miles per hour like we’re taking off in a rocket ship to the moon.

So the bottom line is this: If you’re a woman who is so vibrator dependent that you cannot orgasm with a man, then you’ve got to lay off of the vibrator. Vibrators are the downfall of women.

When a woman uses a vibrator, she can lay there and have an orgasm in three seconds (and then rest and have another one three seconds after that). Then when you are with a man instead of a vibrator, he has to go down there for about six hours to get you to feel anything.

Not only that, but really think about what kind of orgasm you want to be having. According to most women I’ve been with, the orgasm a woman experiences with a man during oral sex and foreplay is far greater and better because it’s achieved with lot of touching, caressing, talking and feeling.

So if you’re a woman and you’re about to start a relationship, my suggestion to you is to lay off the vibrator . . . for at least a week or two before you start sleeping with the guy. Let the sexual energy and tension build up again, and don’t let your clit get so numb. When you do that, you are giving the guy the opportunity to please you.  

When you’re not in a relationship, go ahead and vibrate away to your heart’s content. Go for it! Have a great time with your little mechanical boyfriend.

If you’ve got a relationship coming down the pike, though, then you need to put the vibrator in the closet. If you feel like you just can’t resist that vibrator, then go and buy a room safe (like they have in cheap hotels), put it in there and forget the combination.

The fact is that when you’re in a relationship, you need that man to explore your body and you need to give that man the opportunity to please you in every way. Remember that no matter what a vibrator can do, it is never going to replace the the one-on-one intimacy and the one-on-one contact you have when you’re with someone of the opposite sex.