They had good pedigree. They were successful and age appropriate. They were good-looking. They followed up with phone calls. Then all of a sudden—poof—they just vanished.

You’re in shock. You can’t believe that this one went away. You felt like it was the perfect kind of a relationship. You really felt like you were ready for it. You really needed this relationship because you were so tired of dating. You were tired of putting yourself online and having nothing happen. You were tired of going to the parties and heading out to the same bars and restaurants. You felt like this was the one.

Here’s the deal: everything that you’ve ever known about dating is wrong. During those three weeks you never kept a dating journal. See, Mr. and Mrs. Perfect do not exist. What we do when we date is we get caught up in what I call the oxytocin moment. We get caught up in this wave of emotion, like a drug is released in our bodies.

It feels so good to be rescued from being single. But in reality, the warning signs are there from the beginning. I tell everybody in my very new book, Naked, to keep a dating journal, and write down how you feel at the end of each date. How does this person make you feel? Do you feel desired? Do you feel excited? Take it even deeper. Do you keep a journal where you know exactly the way you need to feel in a relationship?

My new book Naked goes really deep into dating. It gets you to fall in love with the most important person in your life: you. Because when it comes down to dating, most of us date based on needs. I need to have a relationship. I need to no longer be single. I need to find somebody different because the last person didn’t treat me well.

What Naked does is it takes everything down to the root and allows you to forgive everything that’s gone on in your life and allows you to embrace all the lessons you’ve learned. But more importantly, it gets you to fall in love with who you are as a person. It allows you to realize that you’re an amazing catch.

Naked is almost 200 pages of daily exercises that help you no longer date out of need, out of frustration, or out of desperation. When it comes to love, in order to find someone to love you the way you need to be loved, you need to love yourself first. You need to take yourself out on dates. You need to do things for yourself. You need to feel amazing and wonderful and you need to strip yourself down of all your fears and become naked. You need to forget about past failures and learn from them.

But more importantly, you need to know exactly what you want going into that date, emotionally. Because when it comes down to dating, all it is is based on feelings. How did you feel at the end of a date? Most of us have never asked that question, because we always date based on wants, needs, and desires.

It’s time to change the way you date. It’s time to get naked.

Earlier, I asked all the awesome people on my newsletter subscriber list to come to the blog today and post their goals for 2012. Many of the guys I speak with want a girlfriend this year. And if you’re a woman, you might want a boyfriend this year. (I know a lot of women still post here and then they post on the women’s site as well also.)

What are your goals? What do you want to accomplish? What do you want to experience? What do you want to feel? How many women do you want to meet? Do you want a relationship? Do you want to meet a wife? Do you want…what exactly?

I’ve asked everybody on my newsletter subscriber list to come back to the blog today and state what they want to accomplish this year because this is what I want to do for 2012: I want every single person on this blog to be held accountable by each other. I want everybody to really look at each other and support one another this year. I think it’s a great way to start. No back-stabbing. No arguments on the blog. We all lay on the line today what we want to accomplish in 2012. And we make it the theme this year to support one another.

When anybody has a question, I want everybody to reach out and support that person and help them overcome whatever fear or barrier they might have.

So this year, my goal for the blog is to make everybody support one another. I’d love to see 100 comments a day of people helping each other. And if one person has a problem one day, let’s all dive in and help that person. Even if it takes 30 comments to help them out. Let’s do it. Think about how you can change someone’s life just by doing that. Also by helping other people, you learn so much about yourself. You learn about who you are and what you’re about. You learn about how to really work on your own stuff, too.

So 2012 on the blog, we’re going to support and help one another. Post away, friends.

It takes understanding each other’s communication style and the way you each express yourself. It takes understanding each other’s needs and desires. It takes really being able to listen to someone without judgment, ego and commentary. It takes being able to work on yourself on a daily basis.

Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is hard. It takes dedication and work by both partners.

I had an interesting lunch with a friend of mine the other day. He told me that his parents have been together for fifty years, and that there were times in their relationship — maybe years — in which they really didn’t like each other. He said that the one thing they always did that kept them together, though, was to stand up for each other.

No one is asking you to change. You are just being asked to grow.

Growing is what life is all about. The person who probably frustrates you and drives you crazy the most is the person with whom you have do the most growing.

So if you’re in love, drop the ego and think to yourself “How does my partner communicate? How can I understand them better? How can we find the peace again in the relationship?”

Relationships are always going to be a challenge, but if you’ve got a great one then you had better figure out how to keep it. Keeping the great ones are a battle, but think about the battle you went through to find it and this person with whom you fell in love.

They always say that everything is great as long as you are in control. It’s when you stop being in control, though, that all the work needs to be done.

We used to do a weekly “q & a” blog, and apparently some of you miss it because I am still receiving requests from some people to answer their questions on the blog. I got a great question in my inbox the other day which reminded me of a situation in my own life, so I decided that would be a good question to pick to bring back the q & a blog.

Also by the way, and if anyone cares, my birthday is in five days. I’ll remind you at least two more times. Why? I don’t know . . . but it will be interesting to see who remembers and who doesn’t. For those of you who can’t count, it’s now June 26th and as you hopefully know there are only thirty (and not thirty-one) days in June. So add that together and five days from now is July 1st.

So let’s get to this reader’s question…

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READER QUESTION
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David,
 
So I met this really interesting and stunning girl while waiting for the train this past Friday in the Chicago burbs.  After having an incredible conversation with her on the train for about a half hour she casually brings up the fact that she saw a Blackhawks/Red Wings hockey game with her boyfriend in Detroit.  I’m not gonna lie, I was a little disappointed that she mentioned this, because she is a pretty cool chick inside and out. 

Anyway, she hardly brings him up anymore and mentions that she’s only dated him for a year (and further tells me that I look kinda like him), so I take that as a sign she’s interested in me and I get her number as I get off the train to continue the conversation later.  The flirting and chemistry between us were really great, so I definitely would like to see this girl again.
 
So my question is: When meeting with a woman that you’re interested in that already has a boyfriend, do you treat each “date” as if she were single and let nature take its course or am I just wasting my time?  This is unchartered territory for me.
 
Muchisimas gracias Senor Wygant!
 
Brad W.

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MY ANSWER TO READER’S QUESTION
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Brad,

If you read Tuesday’s blog about expectations, you would understand by now that you shouldn’t be looking for signs. You should just be enjoying connecting with another person.

When I first met my girlfriend back in September of 2007, we had incredible chemistry. I knew it and she didn’t admit it because she was in a relationship.

I found her to be such a spectacular person. So we went out for coffee or a glass of wine a few times and just talked. From experience I know that if I’m just present and having a great time with someone, that nature will take its course (as you put it).

Four of my best relationships have been with women who at one time had a boyfriend. I didn’t put the hoodoo manipulation tactics on any of them. I just got to know them as people and, once again as you put it, let nature take its course.

I didn’t look for signs. I just got to know them. If you’re present and just get to know someone with no other expectations, you never know what is going to happen.

Some guys will become friends with a woman who has a boyfriend, but he will have an angle the entire time. They might try some manipulation tactics to get her to break up with her boyfriend, or they might spend their time selling themselves.

Here is what you need to understand. If a woman is vibing another guy while she is in a relationship, it probably means that something is missing in that relationship. You need to let her figure that out on her own, and not try to manipulate or coax her.

You are probably part of the process. If you really like her as a person, though, then just go out and enjoy her company because (as I always teach) the most powerful version of you is YOU.

So, Brad, thanks for the great question! Also, since some of you apparently miss the q & a blogs, we’ll bring them back from time to time whenever I get a really great question.

So now lets turn the tide and talk about the opposite sex.

If you have not seen this record blog click here.

So what do you do if she has a boyfriend?

You walk over to her and you’ve been talking and you think you’re doing great. You say, “hey, I’d love to get together with you; let’s grab a cup of coffee,” and she says, “well, I have a boyfriend.”

At this point, most guys tuck their tails between their legs and run away. This makes you the asshole that ran away as soon as someone mentioned the word “boyfriend.”

Here is what you should do instead: say something like, “oh man, what a lucky guy.” This plants a seed in her head, where she thinks, what a lucky guy? He’d better think he’s lucky to have me!

Then she goes home that afternoon and gets into a fight with her boyfriend and she’ll be able to say, “do you realize how lucky you are going out with me?” You’ve planted that seed.

Another one of my favorite responses to the “I have a boyfriend” is this: “oh man, I hope he treats you well,” or “I hope he appreciates you.” This also gets her thinking, oh man, this guy doesn’t really appreciate me! I’ve been fighting with him for the last few weeks!

This opens up a potential conversation down the road. Two minutes later she will be telling you about the boyfriend that doesn’t appreciate her.

You have to say all of these things from your heart, or they will sound fake.

Another thing you can say is, “just my luck, this is ridiculous. I was so ready to start dating again. I just processed my last relationship and I’ve spent a lot of time working on myself. I have to tell you, I’m super picky, and the last few women that I’ve hit it off with…” – which tells her that you’ve hit it off with her and that you’re very instinctual – “have all seemed to have had boyfriends! Do you have a twin or anything? A friend just like you?”

I’ve been set up like that with a friend that was pretty damn hot. You’re also networking for a date, which a lot of guys try to avoid. You want to network for the date because this will allow you to go out and meet some more interesting people.

And remember the 50% rule: 50% of the people that you meet today that are in a relationship will be single in a year.

Do you want to be the guy that complimented her with confidence and dignity? And then when you run into her again someday and ask, “so how’s that boyfriend treating you?” guess who is going to get the phone call? You. She will remember that good spirit and great energy every single time.

So the next time she says that she has a boyfriend, you have to think about what your answer is going to be instead of running away from her like the bratty kid who didn’t get his toy.

It’s about the dividend. It’s like investing in real estate. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all buy real estate today and sell it tomorrow for a profit? Right. There is nothing in life that you do today that is going to pay you a dividend tomorrow.

Anything that you invest in now is going to have its great payoff in the future. This is just one of the future benefits.

And I am enjoying the future benefits now. My girlfriend when we met had a boyfriend and now she is with me. We were friends, she broke up and we reconnected a year later.

Thats why you just kick back and be yourself with no expectations.

Todays video is all about Live Street Approaches.

This topic is always interesting to me, but it is especially interesting right now because I am currently dating a woman with whom I started out being just friends. When I first met her, she was actually dating somebody else.

So how did I go from the friend zone to the boyfriend zone with her? Did I subliminally do some mind tricks on her to convince her that dating me would be a far better experience than the one she was having with her boyfriend? Absolutely not. What I did was I got to know her.

For any of you who have been in the friend zone with a woman and wondered if there was a way out of it, here are four tips to help you get a woman to look at you in a different way:

1. Don’t Sell Yourself: If you meet and become friends with a woman whom has a boyfriend, don’t sell yourself to her her at all. Get to know her over a period of time. If a woman is attracted to you as a person, she could become attracted to you a significant other. It all depends on at what place she is in her life. We all know that many relationships tend to “go south” and end. The problem is that a lot of men will meet a woman who is in a relationship and decide not to befriend her at all. Now I’m not suggesting that you become the shoulder she comes to cry on when things are going wrong with her boyfriend. What I am suggesting is that you can get to know her as a person, because you never know where life may lead you down the road. So don’t be a salesman, and don’t berate her boyfriend. Get to know her. Be yourself. Have a good time with her, and see if natural chemistry develops between you. When you are genuine and take the time to get to know her as a person, she actually might start to look at you in a different light and end her relationship.

2. Don’t Be Afraid To Express Yourself: If you’ve already been friends for a long time with the female whom you’d like to date and she’s never thought about you in a romantic way, then you need to understand that there’s a good chance she’ll never think of your romantically. The way so many guys get themselves into the eternal friend zone is that they played it too safe when they first met that woman. They act in a very passive-aggressive way toward her. They are so afraid of really expressing to her any indication of their romantic interest in her, that they go out of their way not to express any feelings toward her at all. For example, instead of really asking the woman out on a date, they will ask her to hang out in a group. So instead of really talking to her and clearly asking her out on a date, guys will nervously ask a woman out on a “non-date” kind of date. The reason why it is almost a foregone conclusion that you will end up in the friend zone in this situation, is because you have never asked her out on a real date. You ask her out – to barbeques, to happy hours or to parties – but it’s always to join a group of other people. If you’re interested in somebody, you need to ask her out so it’s clear to her that you are asking her out on a date.

3. Be Patient: Four of my best relationships have been with women with whom I was friends before I became romantically involved with them. To do this, you must be patient. So many guys will not even befriend a woman if she has a boyfriend at the time they meet her. They won’t take the time to befriend her because they are only interested in immediate gratification, i.e., if they can’t get involved with her romantically right now they don’t want to have any involvement with her at all. You have to stop thinking about immediate gratification all of the time. Not every woman you meet today is going to want to go out with you tonight. I tell guys to think of befriending women they meet like building a portfolio of interesting people with whom they can get together in the future. You need to treat women you meet like long-term investments. Just enjoy getting to know them as a person right now, because you never know what may happen. Chemistry just might spark between the two of you.

4. Don’t Wait And Take Action: Don’t ever ask a woman’s friends to tell you about what she is thinking, and in particular do not ask them what she thinks about you. If you are interested in a female friend and would like to get out of the friend zone with her, then you need to ask her out on a date. Take the risk. She might actually feel the same way about you as you do about her. She may have been developing a crush on you too. So what you need to do is take the risk, because the friendship can survive something like you asking her out on a date. You, however, don’t want to have to live with the self-torture of never knowing if you could have become romantically involved with her. Don’t wait to take action, thinking that will say something to you if she is interested. Even if she is interested, she might never say anything first. So don’t ever wait. If you’ve got a crush on a female friend of yours, you need to call her and say “You know what? I want to go out with you. You and I need to hang out alone.” Make it clear to her that you want to go out on a date with her. It doesn’t matter if she says yes or if she says no. It just matters that you take the chance. You will define the relationship one way or another, and then you can move forward.

Dating takes a lot of patience. It takes a lot of perseverance. The best things in life, in fact, tend to pay off when you have patience and perseverance. No one is ever completely successful the first time they do something.

So start being willing to take your time. Take time to look at all the women you’ve met in your life, and think about whether any of them stick out as being someone you’d like to get to know again. Perhaps she’s someone with whom you became friends when you first met. Send her a text or call her on the phone. Who knows? She might be more receptive to you the second time time around