This Friday’s blog was going to be another tip from me on navigating the bar scene. I was going to talk about cockblocking, but I’ve been reading some of the recent comments on the blog, and instead I want to write today’s blog in response to some of the comments. We’ll talk about cockblocks next week.

So you’re on the blog reading all this great advice about how to meet women, how to date, and how to get yourself into a relationship. Problem is, when you go out there in real life, you can’t put any of the information we give you to use because you’re not actually meeting anyone. There’s no women around when you go out. Or you can’t approach. Or you do approach but you keep getting No-Thank-Yous.

Why is this happening to you? Maybe you think you’re ugly. Maybe you’re short. Maybe you drive a shitty, beat-up car. So you tell yourself that women are turned off by all of this. They’re so turned off by you. What women are really attracted to is a guy with a full head of hair, 6’2”, and a vacation house in Miami.

Do you have what it takes to get the woman you desire?

And you just can’t compete with a guy like that. You’ve been dealt a shitty hand in life, and all the dating advice in the world isn’t going to change the fact that you’re just not attractive to women.

So you come on the blog and you say, “Screw you David, screw you Shogo, screw Intern Dan, whoever, you give us all this esoteric mindset advice on how to be confident, but all the confidence in the world is not going to make up for the fact that I’m short, fat, bald, and broke, and the cold hard truth is that women are turned off by that.”

You want to attract a lot of women? You want to be a lady’s man? If that’s what you want, here’s the news:

Looks matter. Height matters. Money in the bank matters.

That’s right, all these things–and much much more–do in fact make a difference when it comes down to attracting women. But there’s only so much you can do about any of that. You can’t change it, so why on earth spend another minute dwelling on it?

(And more importantly, all the looks and money in the world will only get you so far in your success with women, but that’s another blog for another day.)

What you need to do is take action and do something about the things that you can actually improve on. And more importantly, you need to let go of the things you can never change about yourself.

You really need to let it go.

You hate your height and you’re bitching about?

Fine. You’re short. I get it.

What do you want from people? Unless you’re willing to go to China to have metal rods implanted into your shins, there is nothing anybody in the world can do about that. There is absolutely no use in you dwelling on the things you don’t like about yourself and beating yourself up over the fact that some woman out there who you don’t even know isn’t going to date you for it.

Is it true that if you’re 5’6”, you will never have a girlfriend who only dates men over 5’10″?

Yes, if that is an absolute requirement for her, that is true. You will never date a woman like that.

Is it true that I, Shogo, will never date a woman who will not go out with an Asian man?

Yes, that is also true. I am Asian. I will never be able to date a woman like that, not for the rest of my life.

The difference with me is that you will never see me sitting around, bitching and moaning about it. I don’t dwell on that for a single moment. I don’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t want me. It doesn’t upset me in the least.

And simply having that mindset automatically makes me more attractive to more women.

Here’s an exercise I want everybody to do:

Get out three sheets of paper. On one sheet, write down all the things about yourself that you don’t like. Take your time with it. And be specific. Don’t just write, “I’m ugly.” Write, “I don’t like the acne scars on my cheekbones.” Write things like, “I don’t like the extra flab on my belly.” “I am 4 inches shorter than I’d like to be.” “My penis is 2 inches shorter than I’d like it to be.” “I don’t like the fact that I have few friends.” “I don’t like my disheveled haircut and dandruff.” “I don’t like my glasses and my dorky wardrobe.”

Write all of that stuff out. Make the list as long as you want and take your time doing it.

Now review that list. Read through each item. On the second sheet, I want you to rewrite each thing that, with some work, you could actually take steps to change about yourself. On the third sheet, rewrite each thing that is a permanent part of you and that YOU CANNOT EVER CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF.

Review that third sheet. Look at it and internalize it. This is who you are. This is who you are for the rest of your life and THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE THAT.

You need to embrace it. You need to love every single thing you wrote about yourself on that third sheet. This is who you are.  These are the things that will never change about you, so fuck anyone who is unwilling to accept you for that. But the first step starts with you accepting yourself and accepting all of your little ugly bits.

You are who you are, guys. We all have things we don’t like about ourselves. Change the things about yourself that you can change, and embrace the things about yourself that you cannot change.

A lot of you are probably in front of your computer or on your phone right now, texting, e-mailing, you’re at different stages of planning out what you’re going to be doing tonight. You’ve waited all week for Friday night. This is going to be the night that you’re going to go out and meet a cool new woman. If all goes right, everything is going to change by the weekend, you’ll have one or two or even three prospective new dates, and your lifestyle is going to be different. You’re finally going to approach the woman you’re most attracted to.

Then what happens? As the night progresses, all those fears and excuses start creeping in. You get paralyzed. You stand around the bar. You do nothing.

Some of you may not even be reading this blog until late night Friday night, and you’ll say to yourself, “David, you just described my night. I was all jazzed. I was all excited. You’re right, slowly but surely, all my fears and excuses crept in and the next thing I knew, I was home again. I was staring at the ceiling, reviewing the night, and I finally came up with something really great to say to the woman I was attracted to, but it’s too late now.”

Here’s what I want all of you who read this blog early today to do. For those of you who are reading it late, do this exercise tomorrow night.

I want you to go out. I don’t want you to talk to a single person tonight. Not one person. I want you to observe, and I want you to watch, and I want you to understand the dynamic of what makes one guy fearless and successful with women, and another guy who goes home and masturbates, dreaming of the woman he wishes he could be with. I want you to watch the guys that are successful with women.

It doesn’t matter what they say, because I’m about to launch a brand new program that’s going to give you everything you need to say in these situations. I want you to take a look at their body language. I want you to take a look at what real attraction is. I want you to look at these guys and I want you to basically see how much fun they’re having. How engaging they are, how they use their hand motions, how they smile, how they walk with confidence. I want you to notice everything about them.

Now what I want you to do is I want you to look at yourself. No, don’t look directly at yourself in the mirror, but look at a guy just like you. I want you to find the guy who’s in the corner with his hands in his pockets, a clueless or frustrated look on his face, the kind of guy you can feel is really thinking with all the monkey chatter going on in his head.

I want you to look at that guy, and I want you to ask yourself this question: if you were a woman, who would you rather talk to? The guy who’s going around talking to everybody and generally just having a great time, or the guy who’s paralyzed in the corner waiting for the woman to go to the bathroom so he can chase her down and find the right moment to talk to her? The guy with that nervous energy who kinda scares people a little?

How do you feel? What type of emotion do you feel when you look at the guys who are having fun versus the guys who are not having fun? This is a great exercise that I have every single client do, any guy who’s ever been successful with women going out and meeting them on a Friday or Saturday night. Every guy goes through this exercise, because you have got to learn how to enjoy yourself before you can start meeting people. If you approach with nervous energy, nothing will happen, but if you approach with a smile while having a good time, the words don’t make a difference.

Note To All Men: If you are already subscribed to my email list you are well aware that next week I’m releasing a new product that is going to empower you to get over the BIGGEST issue you guys have when it comes to meeting women… approach anxiety. I hear it time and time again, and it was confirmed by thousands of survey responses taken by my email subscribers that have been pouring in the past couple of weeks.

I put together a video to help you learn how to kill approach anxiety to become natural with women, simply by using the power of observation!“

As some of you guys who’ve been following the blog lately may know, I’ve been in New York apartment hunting the past few days. It’s my old stomping ground, so while I’ve been here, I’ve also been going out a lot catching up with old friends.

I was out at a bar last night with a friend in the West Village, sitting at the bar having a late dinner. We were there for about an hour. While we were there, I saw a guy walking around talking to basically every woman or group of women who were standing or sitting around the bar.

Now this guy was full of energy, really chatting up every woman in sight, using a lot of hand gestures and getting everybody to laugh and so forth. It looked like he was really having a good time. But then, on probably three occasions, I saw him pull his phone out and take down a different woman’s phone number each time. And I wasn’t there for very long—I left around 11pm before the place got too packed—so I’m sure this guy ended up taking down more phone numbers than that.

So this guy probably ended up with about four or five phone numbers by the end of the night. I never understood that. When I’m single and I’m going out, I never need any more than ONE PHONE NUMBER. That’s it. One good number from the one woman that I have the best connection with, and who I’m most interested in. This is why I basically never have a bad first date. Why on earth do you need to take down five or six phone numbers in one night?

There could only be two possible reasons why you need that many numbers.

How To Get A Womans Phone Number

One, you are planning on going out on four or five different dates. Have fun with that. Do you know how tiring and time-consuming that is? If you’re going out on that many dates, it’s completely mentally draining. I’ve done it. I could never give each woman my best, because as the week progresses, I’ve already talked myself silly and my head is in a daze trying to keep my stories straight about which woman said what. And I always got them mixed up. Not to mention, if you’re spending that much time dating, you’re basically doing nothing else. Your “hobby” is going out with a different woman each night and you’re not making yourself any more interesting that way.

The other possibility is that you’re taking down a bunch of phone numbers because you already know that 90% of them are not going to call you back. So you call all the numbers you collected and you’re lucky if one of them agrees to go out with you. The others just gave you their number because they felt pressured into it or because they wanted to end the conversation and go back to their friends. If this is happening to you, you really need to start working on having better conversations, making yourself more memorable, and making better connections with the women you’re meeting.

So how do you do this? When you’re going out, talk to anyone and everyone you want to. I’m all for that. But don’t ask for a woman’s phone number just because you talked to her for 5 minutes. Make the conversation the goal, not the phone number. Before you go out, tell yourself that you’re looking for one good connection tonight and when you find that, then you get the digits. Get the phone number when there’s potential chemistry. Get the phone number when you’ve bonded over something, when you find out something about her, and when you find out that you have something in common that you can talk about when you call her later.

One good phone number, that’s it guys.

I was at a friend’s house for a BBQ recently, and a few of them were planning on going out to bars that night. I started talking to two guys, really cool guys, who were asking me for tips on where to go out and meet women. One of them was in a relationship, so it was the other guy who wanted to meet somebody that night, maybe get some phone numbers.

I suggested some places for them to go out, and the two of them decided that the relationship guy was going to play the role of the wingman for the single guy. So we talked a bit about the “wingman” concept, and I told them some of my thoughts on what the wingman is for why I think having a wingman when you go out is a pretty goofy idea in first place.

For a lot of guys, having a wingman is necessary. They couldn’t imagine the thought of going out by themselves and having to meet people when they’re out alone.

When you rely on having a wingman when you go out at night, you’re basically treating your night out like a sport. It’s like a game, and the goal of the game is to meet some women, get a phone number, maybe hook up that night, whatever it is that you’re into. So in order to accomplish your goal, you need a teammate, a partner in crime, a like-minded cat who’s going to help you get there. In short, your wingman.

How To Find A Good Wingman

A wingman can serve several different purposes. He’ll hype you up to the person you’re talking to and make you look good. He’ll distract other people for you so that you can focus in on the woman you want to get to know. He’ll make it look like you actually have friends when you’re out meeting people and that you’re not a social outcast–social proof, as some like to call it. He’ll make you feel less awkward as you’re standing around scanning the room thinking about all the women you’d like to be talking to.

For all of you guys who are going out trying to meet women at night time, here are my thoughts on wingmen: get rid of the whole concept.

Try going out by yourself for once and see what happens. Why? Because it shows that you have confidence. You have the confidfence to go out at night by yourself, talk to and get to know whoever you want, and have a great time without the help of anyone else. You don’t worry about looking awkward. You don’t need someone to cover your ass, talk you up, or someone to stand there next to you so that you don’t feel so self-conscious.

Going out by yourself is ballsy. It shows that you don’t have to rely on the wolfpack to go out and have a good time, that you do whatever you want, and that don’t really care what other people think about you. Not only that, if you’re out without a wingman or without a group of guys, you HAVE to meet people. It’s like traveling by yourself–which is the only way I travel these days. When you walk through the world on your own, you’re forced to interact with others. You don’t have the excuse of huddling in the corner with the people you know, looking around all self-conscious and never talking to anyone new all night long.

Try it out this weekend. And let’s hear from you guys about what you think about wingmen.

And if you absolutely MUST have someone with you when you go out, if you’re not at the level yet where you feel comfortable by yourself, then go out with a person who you’re going to be able to have fun with. It doesn’t have to be the coolest person, or the guy who is really connected, or the one with the best pick up lines, or the best looking of all your friends–make it someone who you’re going to be able to really enjoy spending time with, someone who you feel good around and you can let loose and just have a blast with. That person is going to be your best bet for a wingman!

Let me know if this sounds familiar:

It’s Friday, you decide to meet up with your regular group of guys and hit the bars tonight and see if you can meet some new women. You have a couple beers to pregame, maybe watch the game, maybe play some video games.

A few hours later, you’re out with your group of buddies, standing at the bar having a couple drinks. You’re all taking to each other, looking around the room to see if there are any women to talk to. After a while, you start getting a little bored. No cute girls at that bar, fine.

So you go to the next bar and have a couple more drinks. Damn, it’s wall-to-wall dudes at that bar. So you go to the next place and have a few more.

Before you know it it’s last call, you’ve scoured every bar on Main St., you’re out $80, and you’re drunk standing in line holding your dick in your hand waiting to get an overpriced slice of greasy pizza at 3am. You didn’t meet a single woman tonight. Or one of your friends actually got up the courage to go talk to a woman, while the whole group watched him do it and that was the mediocre highlight of the night. But basically nobody worthwhile crossed your path. The right opportunity just didn’t come your way.

How To Meet Women In Bars

So what went wrong?

Here’s the rundown: You can’t wait for the right opportunity to come to you. You have to create it. You guys were running around town, basically trying to chase a good time. You didn’t find that good time you were looking for at the first place, you got frustrated, so you went to the next place looking for a good time.

You guys are all trying so hard to have a good time, waiting for the right girls and that perfect situation to basically fall into your laps, but you didn’t really end up having that good of a time.

Why? It’s because you’ve got “desperate bar energy.” You can feel it, and the women around you who you’re trying to meet can feel it. You and your buddies are all out together trying to (a) meet new girls, and (b) have a good time and let loose. That’s great. But the problem is that nobody’s succeeding at either one of those so you all end up being really uptight. Nobody’s saying it, but everybody’s feeling it. So you go to the next bar trying to chase the Friday night good time you’re supposed to be having. And the next bar. And the next. That’s desperate bar energy.

The thing is that all those great women you’re trying to meet . . . they’re everywhere. There is no one bar or one place that’s better than the other. Every place is a great place. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: what you need to do focus on is having a good time first. If you go out and have an amazing time with your friends, whether it’s at a bar, a restaurant, a party, a coffee shop, wherever—the women will follow.

So go out with less friends. Don’t go out on a Friday with the hungry wolf pack of five dudes chasing the good time. You need to create the good time. Go in a mixed group: couple guys, couple girls. Go out with one cool friend who you really vibe with and who you know you can have a great time and great conversation with regardless of whether or not you meet women that night. Go out with a cool wing girl and go around talking to everybody together. Or befriend the bartender and go out by yourself, which is what I do all the time. Stand on your own two feet, go out a little bit earlier by yourself, and see where the night takes you.

Try it out this weekend, break your usual “desperate bar energy” habit, and I’m looking forward to hearing from you in the comments section today!

Several clients who come to us are essentially reformed Pick Up Artists, and we spend a lot of time with them deprogramming their brains from the PUA techniques they learned, and getting them to start over and learn how to be as real and sexually mature as possible.

A few weeks ago, David and I were out coaching two different clients on two separate days. Knowing that I’m great at meeting people in bars (and it’s all about being social in situations where you feel most comfortable), each of the clients asked me the same question: is there a difference between meeting women in bars at night, and meeting women during the daytime as you go about your day?

But before I answered the question, each of the guys made the assumption that it’s much different at night time, because women don’t want to talk to you in bars.

“Really?” I asked. “How so?” They each told me that when you’re out at night, you have to come up with really funny stories to keep the women you’re talking to entertained, and you also have to touch them on their arms and on their back to show that you’re interested and get them attracted to you.

“Well…maybe that’s why these women don’t want to talk to you,” I said.

Here’s the deal guys: you don’t have to be the entertainer, and you sure as shit don’t have to go around in bars touching women. You don’t have to touch them on their arms, and you don’t have to touch them on their back like a creepy Pick Up Artist. Keep it up, and the only thing you’ll be touching is yourself at 3 am, thinking about how many women you fondled at the bar that night. Sick.

How To Meet Women In Bars

An attractive man does not go around fondling women in the bar. An attractive man does not need to grab a woman’s waist to let her know that he is interested in her. An attractive man knows how to communicate straight from his mind, with open ears and warm eye contact. An attractive man is sensitive to what she is feeling because he is genuinely interested in her, and senses whether she is going to be receptive to his touch or not.

When a guy can’t communicate who he is and what he’s all about, he’ll go around the room like Mr. Gropey, groping the women he wants to go out with and wondering why they’re all repelled by him. Seriously, cut that shit out. You look like the creepy bar molester. A woman is either going to be attracted to you or she’s not, and no amount of you putting your grubby paws all over her will change her mind. What you need to do is work on yourself more, and learn how to express yourself and say what’s on your mind, instead of worrying like a PUA about when to touch her on the nape of her neck or whatever.

So back to the question: is there a difference to going out and meeting people at night to meeting people during the course of the day? Basically the answer to that question is no, as long as you have a strong mindset, you believe in yourself, and you make sure you’re actually enjoying yourself.

So many men and women head to the bars on a Friday night with some really high expectations.

Not only that, with some really bad advice on how to meet each other.

So I called Shogo up and since he was and still is a Bartender in one of the nations hippest cities, he would be the man to give all of you some great advice to succeed in bars.

Or as so many people call it. Night Game.

When I hear the term night game I picture lights like in a baseball park over your head and a crowd of fans cheering you on.

Every Friday, we will explore the magic of nights.

Without any more fanfare here is Shogo’s thoughts for today.

Hey guys, Shogo here.

As you regular readers of the blog know, David Wygant is not the biggest fan of going out to bars and getting drunk on the weekends just to meet new people. And to be quite honest, I agree with him. If you’re looking to meet new people to go on dates with, to find someone you actually connect with and have something in common with, bars and clubs may not be the best place for you to do that. It really depends on the person. Plus, getting wasted on $10 vodka tonics just to get up the courage to talk to some girl or have some drunk dude hit on you in a crowded sweaty room doesn’t exactly scream “romance.”
But I do know that for a lot of us, especially the younger generation, going out on the weekends is just another part of being a social person. It’s another way to get out there, to gain confidence in yourself, to practice your communication skills, and really just meet a variety of new people.

Approach This Woman, Do You Have The Game To Do It?

Guys, I’ll let you in on something: a bar is not my favorite place to hang out, but I’ve been going out to bars for a long time, all over the world. I’ve been a bartender. I’ve managed bars. I know the ins and outs. I haven’t cracked any secret code, and I don’t have a miraculous system for you to memorize. What I have is a TON of real-world experience and knowledge to share with you guys to really help you make sense of the “Friday Night Bar Scene” that can often be very confusing and intimidating. And with all the information circulating on the internet, sometimes it can just get even more

So we’re starting a new tradition here on the blog! Each and every Friday, to get you guys ready for the weekend, I’m going to give you tidbits of real information designed to help you understand and navigate the waters of the weekend bar scene. Feel free to share your own experiences, you can react, you can add to what I say, and feel free to disagree with me too. I’m looking forward to reading your comments!

You know it’s funny, every time I’m out with clients at a bar, they inevitably ask me what my “strategy” is for meeting people at a loud noisy place full of drunk people. I’ve never had a strategy. Never needed one. My only “strategy” is to be a little different than everyone else.

How do I do this? How do I act different? When I go out, I’m friendly to everyone. If you’re friendly with everyone, you actually are being different. If you’re friendly, you’re going to have a good time and people around you will start to open up to you.

The bar scene really is a very odd phenomenon. For some reason, people get the urge to become unfriendly the minute they walk into a bar. Friday Happy Hour, everyone’s having fun and being cordial. Friday night at the restaurants, people are having a good time and socializing. Then all of a sudden, once 10 pm hits and people get all dressed up and set foot into bar or club—BAM! Like clockwork, people start getting all tense and take on a fake air of coolness.

People huddle in their groups and get a really stiff, serious face. I call this the “Friday Night Game Face.” Guys and girls both, we’re all guilty of this. We have to put our game faces on, because, God forbid anyone catch us off guard not appearing ridiculously, ridiculously good-looking. God forbid we let loose a little and actually have a good time.

The truth is that we all want to have a good time when we’re out. We all want to let loose and meet new people. We all want to be approached. What’s really going on here is that most people are just insecure and afraid to make the first move. Everyone’s afraid that if they fail, they’re going to look stupid in front of the crowd. Everyone’s egos are so inflated on Friday nights that it’s suffocating.

Last weekend I went out with two clients to a large bar that had a lot of dancing. Inevitably they asked me what kind of strategy we should use, even after I told them that our strategy is called “be friendly and have a good time.” With that I walked over to two girls and introduced myself. One of the girls mumbled something and immediately pulled out her iPhone and started furiously texting away. I looked at her, looked at her friend with a smile and a wink, and said, “Well, I’ll talk to you guys later,” and turned away. I turned to my clients and said, “No biggie, those girls just had their Friday night game faces on. Let’s go find some friendly women.” And we did. But lo and behold, about 15 minutes later, the same two girls ran up to us like they were our best friends and we all had a great time.

What really happened here was that these two girls actually wanted to talk to us. They wanted to get to know us, but most people have their game faces on and are just not friendly. They just needed someone to show them that there are friendly people who don’t care about the competitive weekend bar attitude and who they can just let loose and have fun with. They probably went to the bathroom together and said, “Hey, that guy who approached us actually seemed really nice. He was confident and he wasn’t pushy. Let’s go talk to him!”

So what do you need to do this weekend? You need to leave all that game face crap at the door. Understand that people may look unfriendly, they may look like they don’t want to be approached, but it’s really just an act. You need to take the initiative and show others that it’s ok to come out and take off the game face. Be friendly right from the get-go. Smile. Show that you’re not in competition for “who’s cooler than who,” that you don’t really care about all that and you’re just having a good time and out to meet new people.

Are you the shot buyer? That’s my favorite guy to watch when I go to a bar.

You walk into a bar and there he is. You’re standing next to this guy who says to everyone around him, “You guys want a shot?”

He’s always in a group of a few guys who are basically laughing at all of his jokes because he is a fun, jovial guy. He’s the shot buyer. He’s the guy who is buying drinks for people all night long.

So whenever women come around his general direction, he is always buying them a drink. He’ll say things like, “Come on girls, I’ll buy you a drink (or a shot)” or “Do a shot with me.”

Wheres Bill

The shot buyer is always a really nice guy. The problem is that getting people drunk usually doesn’t mean you’re going to connect with them.

You’re the fun guy. You’re the mixologist. You’re the party guy.

In reality, though, a lot of women don’t want to hang out with the shot buyer. They don’t want to hang out with the party guy. You’re fun for about ten or fifteen minutes.

When you get to a certain point in your life — when you’re 35 or 40 years old — you don’t really want to be the shot guy anymore. Women aren’t looking at you as the fun guy at this point. They are looking at you and wondering if you’re ever going to outgrow your college years.

Being the shot guy at 22 or 24 years old makes you the fun guy. You are a blast. You are the guy everyone calls and curses the next morning because they are so hungover from all the shots you bought them.

When you’re a bit older and you’re still the shot guy, however, it is probably the reason you are not meeting quality women. Most women can’t and don’t want to be drinking as much as you do.

So look deeper, Mr. Shot Buyer, and tell me if you’re REALLY happy buying everybody another round — or whether this behavior is masking a general disappointment in how you feel about your social life.

When you find that person you are like, take some time and watch ‘yourself.’ See how you act. See how you come off to people. See how people respond to you.

If you are not successful in a bar, then you probably are a lurker. So go ahead and watch ‘yourself’ as the lurker — watch a fellow lurker so you understand why you are not having much success.

Connecting with women is very simple. Make an observation, react, talk about the observation further. Speak with clarity, conviction and confidence. It is no different in a bar than anywhere else.

I don’t write about bars that often, but in reality they are a blast. They are a blast when you understand the dynamics of human communication. If you are a lurker, though, you don’t get it yet.

So look in the mirror. If you are a lurker, admit it and go seek medical help. Okay, you probably don’t need medical help — but you do need to seek my help!

You stand there and spend your entire night just lurking. You don’t really talk to anybody. You never look like you are having much fun.

Maybe a woman will come into the area where you’re standing every so often. You will start a conversation with her that lasts for about fifteen seconds. You smile while you’re having that conversation, but yet she leaves. Every time this happens you wonder, “Why is she leaving?”

She leaves because you are the lurker! You are the guy who is lurking around, not looking confident, and not looking like you are having fun.

Does that describe you? Are you that person? Are you that lurker?

If you are, then you need to really start working on yourself. Here’s why . . . and here’s exactly how you come off to women when you are a lurker.

When you go out to a bar and lurk, the longer you do it the more it repels people. Women notice guys who are standing there doing absolutely nothing but looking around and lurking.

The lurker is usually the guy who is always looking around. He never really looks at his friends. He may technically be talking to his friends, but his eyes are always wandering and looking elsewhere. His head looks a little like Linda Blair in The Exorcist — it’s always spinning around wondering where the women are.

It’s almost as if he is thinking, “Where is the girl? Where is the girl? Where am I going to find her?” The problem is that when you are the lurker, there is no way in the world you are going to have the guts to go and talk to her — even if you do find her.

You have to start figuring out who you are when you go out at night. One of the best exercises you can do is to go out to the bar and identify yourself through observing other people.

Are you the lurker? Are you ‘entrance man?’ Whom in the bar are you like?

When you find that person you are like, take some time and watch ‘yourself.’ See how you act. See how you come off to people. See how people respond to you.

If you are not successful in a bar, then you probably are a lurker. So go ahead and watch ‘yourself’ as the lurker — watch a fellow lurker so you understand why you are not having much success.

Connecting with women is very simple. Make an observation, react, talk about the observation further. Speak with clarity, conviction and confidence. It is no different in a bar than anywhere else.

I don’t write about bars that often, but in reality they are a blast. They are a blast when you understand the dynamics of human communication. If you are a lurker, though, you don’t get it yet.

So look in the mirror. If you are a lurker, admit it and go seek medical help. Okay, you probably don’t need medical help — but you do need to seek my help!

Do you think that it will be easier to approach that woman if you’re buzzed? Do you think, “The minute I catch a buzz I’m going to walk over and I’m going to say something clever?”

If so, then you sit there and have beer after beer after beer. A couple of hours later you have finally figured out the clever thing you are going to say, so you walk over to the woman tipsy (or drunk) and say what you planned to say.

You did it, right? Well not so much.

So now you’ve said your clever thing you worked so long and hard to come up with. The woman says something back to you. Then . . . you end up just staring at each other in silence because you have absolutely no idea what to do next.

The reason why this happens is because you are always thinking of something clever to say. By the time you are drunk, you are really not that clever. You are not the sharpest individual in the world when you’re drunk. Not only that, you are probably the twentieth drunk guy to approach her.

The bottom line is that this approach does not work! The only thing you end up doing is spending money to get shut down, which makes your night even more frustrating. Nothing is more frustrating then going out with some friends, spending $50.00 on drinks, going home alone and then laying in bed wondering “What could I have done better?”

So what do I suggest that you do in this situation? If you see a group of women you want to walk over and talk to, walk over and stand near them them eavesdrop on their conversation. When you hear something that’s interesting in their conversation, interrupt them. Say, “Excuse me. I don’t meant to interrupt you, but I’ve got to tell you that I saw that movie and I agree that scene was amazing!”

Jump into an active conversation. If you do that, then they will not look at you as a threat. They are going to look at you think to themselves, “Hey, here is someone who can contribute something interesting to a conversation.”

All of you need to start actively participating in people’s conversations instead of trying to randomly create new ones . . . especially when you’re drunk. So lay off the booze! It’s not going to get you anywhere.

This is a funny video on smooth drunk talk.

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