I came to the conclusion that if men were the ones to have babies, the human race would cease to exist.

Here’s why:

1. There’s no chance in hell that I am passing a bowling ball through the tip of my dick. It just won’t happen.

2. I hate carrying anything around for more than 10 or 15 minutes. So if you think I’m about to carry a baby to term, that baby would never survive. Unless the term was 10 or 15 minutes.

3. I really admire women for sacrificing their bodies for the sake of bringing a new life into the world. But you know what, if I get the runs for two or three days, that’s enough of a sacrifice of my body. If my lower back hurts for a few days, I’ve sacrificed my body enough.

4. We would never get up 15 times a night to go pee. Once we lay down and we’re comfortable, we’re good. Not only that, but when we pee we always have to shake the last drops out. So if we pee 14 times a night, our underwear would be constantly wet with excess drops of pee.

5. Most men are just really selfish. So we just wouldn’t do it. It wouldn’t be worth it. We want “me” time, not baby time. It’s just not in the nature of men to be rubbing our bellies 24/7. The only time we really like rubbing our bellies is when we’ve stuffed ourselves after a nice burger and milkshake meal. But to constant have to rub a belly with another human being growing in there, no way.

6. Once one man’s had a baby, no other man witnessing it would want to suffer through that ordeal. The first man who gave birth would say, “God, guys, giving birth was the most awful and painful experience I’ve ever had,” and every man watching it would say, “God, guys, witnessing that guy give birth was the most awful and painful experience I’ve ever had.” Then, because men are all about fixing things, we would try to invent a way that men can have babies without actually getting pregnant, or a way to bring babies to term in a week, and we wouldn’t ever rest until that invention came about.

7. Lastly, I just can’t see it ever happening. I mean, there’s just no way men would be able to do that much intense bonding with another being. Not only that, just think about what a kid would do to our man boobs. Our moobs would be shaped like banana mobs. As a man, the only thing we could deal with body-wise is the stretch marks. We just don’t care, because to us it’s just scars. We like scars. We compare scars to our friends, and it would actually be kind of cool to have scars. We don’t really care, plus we’re so hairy, you wouldn’t notice the stretch marks anyway.

Bottom line is that men cannot have babies. They just cannot give birth. The human race would come to an end, literally.

But I’ll tell you one thing, if men did have the ability to become pregnant, we’d never, ever miss a birth control pill, let me tell you. We would never allow the pull-out method during sex or any other method that was less than 100% safe.

Because as men, we can’t stand the idea of giving birth. We can’t carry babies. We already are babies. We need all the attention and care to ourselves, and we don’t like to be in any type of pain.

1. There is not a chance in hell that I would be willing to pass a bowling ball through the tip of my dick. It just wouldn’t ever happen.

2. I hate carrying anything around for more than about ten minutes, so if you think I’m about to carry a baby to term then you’re crazy. That is, unless somehow pregnancy went from nine months to ten or fifteen minutes.

3. While I really admire women for sacrificing their bodies, I am not willing to make that kind of sacrifice. I get the runs for two or three days, and I feel that is enough of a sacrifice of my body. If my lower back hurts for a few days, I feel I’ve sacrificed my body enough.

4. Men don’t want to get up fourteen or fifteen times a night to pee. Once we lay down and we’re comfortable, then we’re good for the night. Not only that, but when men pee they have to shake their penis extra times when they’re finished to get all the pee out. So if a man is peeing fourteen times during the night and wasn’t taking time to shake, then his underwear would constantly be wet.

5. Men are just generally really selfish, so we really just wouldn’t want to do it. It’s just not in our nature to be rubbing our bellies 24/7. The only time we really like rubbing our bellies is if we’re satisfied after a nice burger and milkshake meal.

6. Men have attention deficit disorder. If you think about it, there’s instant replay with everything that we do — football, basketball, hockey and baseball and sex — and we always watch instant replay. So there’s a good chance that we would miss the entire pregnancy.

7. I just can’t see it ever happening. I mean, there is just no way that men need to be bonding with something that much.

8. Just think about what a kid would do to our man-boobs (or “moobs” as I call them). Our moobs would be shaped like bananas after a baby had sucked on them, so we’d really be in trouble.

The only thing as a man we could deal with without any problem are stretch marks. We wouldn’t care about those because they would be like scars to us. We like scars. We compare our scars to our friends’ scars. Not only that, but we’re so hairy that probably wouldn’t even notice stretch marks anyway.

There is one key thing that would happen if men were the ones who have babies. Because men are all about fixing things, we would try to invent way to have babies without having to give birth. We’d also figure out a way to bring the babies to term in a week.

So these are the reasons why men really can’t be the ones to have babies. The world would come to an end . . . literally.

I’ll tell you one thing, though. If men did have babies, we’d never miss a birth control pill ever. We would also never use the ‘pull out’ method of birth control, or any other method of birth control that was less than 100% effective.

As a man, we already are a baby and we don’t like to be in any type of pain. So we would do everything on our power to make sure we didn’t have to give birth to one.

Now onto today’s topic…

When you see a woman with a small dog, holding it really tight and walking around with it in their arms, they have baby envy.

This is usually a woman who wants a baby, that wishes she had a baby, but doesn’t have one. This is such an easy person to flirt with – a captive audience – it means that usually she hasn’t had much success in her dating life or if she’s met some guys, she has always picked the wrong ones.

Usually a lot of women like this, especially over the age of forty, carry the small dog and coddle it because of their maternal instincts. They are basically acting like mommies to that dog, not like a normal dog owner. It’s not the master-pet type of deal, it’s more like a woman who really would like to have a baby.

Pay attention to this type of woman, they are the easiest women to practice your flirting skills on, because they just haven’t had the best luck with guys! They haven’t met the man that’s going to give them a child yet.

They are so perceptive to your advances, and you can practice being playful with them.

Today no words can describe what you are about to watch.

How does this make you feel?

I was with the guys today (“the guys” are Rey and Rich – Rey the assistant and Rich the intern.) We went to Whole Foods today, and I started flirting with this single mom in line while we were checking out. She was very pretty, very sexy, and very nice – and attached to a five-year-old.

The five-year-old was great – really cute and amusing, but he needed ALL of his mother’s attention. When we left the market, one of the guys said, “oh wow, that mom was really attracted to you! Why didn’t you ask her out?”

I responded, “well, there really wasn’t the time – her kid was pulling on her arm!” It was really hard to talk to her, and you also have to respect the fact that she is with her child. But she was definitely vibing me and I probably would have asked her out if I would have had the opportunity – when her little boy wasn’t pulling on her.

I also don’t particularly want to ask her out if she’s not a single mom! I wouldn’t want her kid to go home and say, “daddy, daddy, guess what happened today? Mommy got asked out by this guy in Whole Foods!”

So I’ve got some advice for all of you single mothers out there: if you are out with your kids and a guy starts talking to you, he is exactly what you want because he already knows that you have children!

So many single mothers have this issue about dating – “how am I going to date? How will I meet someone? Nobody wants me when I have a kid!” But it’s not true!

If we are flirting with you and we see that you have a kid attached to your arm, we don’t care! We don’t care if you are a mom; we want to date you – plain and simple.

If you’re a single mom and you’re out with your kids, you have to lie down some clues and hints for the guy you’re flirting with. You have to stop for a second. Obviously, don’t kick the kid out into the street – “hey, mommy will be right back!” – nothing that blunt, but maybe say something like, “yeah, he’s just lacking male attention,” or “he just gets jealous when his mom talks to another man” – something funny.

This will let the guy know that you want to be asked out. We’ll ask you out very quickly once we know that you’re open to it, but you need to say something that permits us to do it.

We totally understand that you are a mom, we understand that you’re hanging out with your kid; but we don’t want to ask you out if we’re not sure that you are single.

We don’t want the kid going home and being scarred for life after seeing his mom getting hit on at Whole Foods. You never know what could happen – he could end up with pure approach anxiety or turn out to be some seducing ladies man after watching his mom get hit on all of the time.

Lay down some clues for us! Clues are always good. We need them once in a while. And do you know what? If I ever see you without your kid, I will definitely ask you out. But the next time I see you with your kid, give me a clue!

I’m gutsy, and I’ll ask out everybody – but I’m also very respectful of a lot of things.

Todays video is all about how to listen to that single mom or single woman. If you listen you will be able to close her.

Have an amazing Saturday and check out the challenge I put out on Thursday post……..The pickup post.

Its a good one.