Women might talk about how they really want to have kids. Men might talk about how much they want to meet someone fascinating.

While I was doing a pilot for an online dating show recently, I met a woman who is in her 50s who said to me “I’m dating online, but I really don’t want to show who I really am. So I just write these little things about myself.”

In life, you attract exactly who you are. If you show people only a few things about yourself, then you’re going to attract people who only show a few things about themselves.

You get exactly what you put out there, not what you want. So many people spend so much time telling you what they want.

Let me tell you something. When you spend all your time just listing what you want, you sound like the spoiled kid who keeps telling his parents that he wants that one pair of sneakers they won’t buy him.

You spend so much time on your wants. You are listers, i.e, you list all your wants all the time. Well, if you want all these things then you need to become all these things to get those traits in another person.

I recently ran into a woman in her 30s who told me she wants to meet a great man, get married and have a family. When I asked her what she was doing to meet such a man, she told me she was still going to the same “cool places” she frequented in her 20s. Well, guess what? If you keep going to places populated with those same young bar guys, you are going to keep attracting emotionally immature people.

You attract exactly who you are. You are not going to get the person you want unless you get yourself first, change the way you are, and change the way you meet people.

It’s unbelievable how some people act. They talk so much about what they want, what they need and what they have to have, and yet they are not working on becoming that person themselves. They are not embracing that person they want.

Remember too that you are not the only one who has a list. Many of the people you meet will have a list of their own.

When two people who want a kind of person they themselves are not, those two people inevitably will break up (or get divorced). Since you were not connected deeply to the other person’s soul from the get-go, you will never connect with who the other person truly is and what that other person is truly all about.

So look at your life right now. Look in the mirror. How do you go out and meet people? Are you still doing the same things you were doing ten or fifteen years ago because you’re in denial? Are you in your 40s but are still conducting your life like you’re in your 20s?

I’m not talking about you stopping being or having fun. I’m talking about you really taking a look at all your wants and seeing if your behavior (and you as a person) match them.

Eagles and the Chargers in the Super Bowl.

Client: So are you opposed to the idea of the first contact being through texting?

David: Yeah.

Client: Sometimes I feel like on the phone I can’t ever get my rap together. And nowadays, no one ever answers their phone!

Khiem: David’s a bit different from me. I don’t mind a quick text once in a while. I don’t mind the first contact to be via text but there needs to be a phone call very quickly after that.

David: I do like texting. Khiem, you just like to talk on the phone longer than I do. The other day Khiem got on the phone at 5:30 and rumor has it he wasn’t off of it until 11:30 or 12:00! When he wants to have a phone conversation, you might as well make plans for yourself for lunch, dinner, and a snack! It will be a while!

Khiem: With the girl that I’m seeing, I made a rule that I wasn’t going to talk to her every day. So then every time we talk, she wants more. I try to give her enough to last her a couple of days. I don’t want to talk to her every day!

Client: When you’re seeing somebody, how much do you think that they want to hear from you?

Khiem: I set a rule about what I want. Do you remember how I said earlier that you should make sure that you tell people how much you expect from them? Let them know what you want so that they know what to expect from you.

I tell women up front that I like my independence and that calling every day is too much for me. I tell her that I want her to grow and have her own life. I don’t like clingy girls, and I tell women that straight up. If you like clingy girls, that’s cool, but that’s not who I am, and I won’t do it.

And because I’ve laid that out to her, she accepts it. You have to tell them up front. For me, we can talk every two or three days – no more than that.

Client: But when you do talk to her, you have meaningful conversations, right?

Khiem: Oh yeah, it’s always meaningful, and many times it’s arousing as well. Not every phone call would include dirty talk, but many of them do.

Client: Do you think that there are special considerations when you are dating younger women?

David: How young are they? (laughter)

Client: Not like students, I’d say around 30. That’s the absolute youngest I would ever go.

Khiem: You have to understand their world.

David: Yeah.

Khiem: Try to understand their world, because each woman at different ages has different expectations in life. Based on their expectations and lifestyle, you can work from that angle.

You don’t want to try to accommodate yourself entirely to her. But if you’re dating a woman who is a lawyer or does something corporate, then you know that she has a busy schedule. You know that you have to set up a date at least three or four days in advance – if not a week.

But if you know that she’s more active and spontaneous, you can call her more often and be more spur-of-the-moment with your dates. That’s how you tailor your communication style to the woman that you are interested in.

At a younger age, she has a higher level of distractions. Women in their twenties have a high level of distractions, particularly around 23, 24, 25.

Client: 23 is like insane.

David: At 23, it’s like a Labrador Retriever on the beach! “Should I play? Should I sniff ass? Should I go? Should I get the ball? Oh my god, nobody wants to play with me? I’m going to go lie down and look sad for 20 minutes.”

Khiem: Yeah, at 28 you start to get settled. 28-year-olds still haven’t fully matured yet, but around that age they start to settle down. But again, what is she doing? What kind of life does she live? Is she working? Is she still in party-mode?

You can meet women in their thirties that are still in party-mode.

David: Oh yeah!

Khiem: But you can also meet 24-year-olds who are out of that, done with partying and looking for something more.

David: Let’s take it a bit deeper. I speak to all women in the same way, because I know that I attract a certain type of woman. I’m very careful about who I attract into my life. I like a certain type of woman.

Sometimes someone might slip through the cracks – because the sex is great or whatever. There are certain women you’ll put up with more shit from because you’re just in the mood for that type of sexual relationship or something.

But most of the time, if you like a certain type of woman, you’re used to dealing with that type of woman. Maybe you don’t like the hard, ball-busting, lawyer type of woman, so you avoid them. Maybe you prefer the creative types – or whatever it might be. You’re used to that type of woman, and that’s what you attract.

But I always tell a guy that if you’re looking for a woman a lot younger than you, you’re going to encounter a whole other language.

Client 1: I feel like on some of these online dating sites, the girls my age are always looking for men aged 28 to 45. What does that mean?

Client 2: What’s wrong with that? What site is that again? (laughter)

Client 1: But what does that really mean? Does that mean that they just want someone that is mature and confident?

Khiem: Probably. Usually what they mean by older is not so much age, but someone who is comfortable with themself.

A lot of younger girls who are looking for older men are tired of the guys their age who have no clue. They are looking for a guy who is really secure in his own identity. He might be established as well, but that’s usually coming from the maturity of being secure in yourself. Generally that’s what they mean when they are looking for older guys.

Client 1: Okay, I just didn’t know if I should take it at literal value, like, okay they are just looking for someone that is older.

David: It means that they are pretty much open. They are looking for somebody who knows himself. They are tired of meeting man-boys. They’ve dated them. They are sick and tired of guys that are indecisive.

But they don’t really realize that the older guys are often just as indecisive! We have more life experience to share with them, which they like, but age doesn’t necessarily mean you’re secure with yourself.