We all have a friend like that. We all have those types of friends that are constantly bitching and complaining about their life bitching and complaining about their situation, but they never really listen to you.

The question I always ask everybody is why do we remain friends with that person? Because those types of people come to you for advice but never listen to it anyways. They solicit your advice non-stop and yet they talk about the same thing over and over again. Maybe it’s a relationship, maybe it’s work, whatever it might be, and you tell them the same things over and over again.

I’ve got a friend who constantly tells me that he’s in bad shape. He’s been doing it for 20 years. I constantly tell him the same thing — you need to start working out, you’ll feel better about yourself. He says I know, I know, I know. The next time I see him he says the same thing, but yet he never takes the advice.

What Is A Bitch

The problem in life is a lot of people look for advice, they seek advice, they love it. They’re all about seeking advice, seeking help, but what happens is they never act upon it. They’re talkers not doers, they just want to vent, but yet they never want the solution.

Do any of you know people like this, and what do you say to those friends? Do you keep offering the same advice over and over again? Or do you tell them, I’ve been giving you the same advice for 20 years, you never listen? How much can we put up with in life? I want you guys to think about that one today.

Women might talk about how they really want to have kids. Men might talk about how much they want to meet someone fascinating.

While I was doing a pilot for an online dating show recently, I met a woman who is in her 50s who said to me “I’m dating online, but I really don’t want to show who I really am. So I just write these little things about myself.”

In life, you attract exactly who you are. If you show people only a few things about yourself, then you’re going to attract people who only show a few things about themselves.

You get exactly what you put out there, not what you want. So many people spend so much time telling you what they want.

Let me tell you something. When you spend all your time just listing what you want, you sound like the spoiled kid who keeps telling his parents that he wants that one pair of sneakers they won’t buy him.

You spend so much time on your wants. You are listers, i.e, you list all your wants all the time. Well, if you want all these things then you need to become all these things to get those traits in another person.

I recently ran into a woman in her 30s who told me she wants to meet a great man, get married and have a family. When I asked her what she was doing to meet such a man, she told me she was still going to the same “cool places” she frequented in her 20s. Well, guess what? If you keep going to places populated with those same young bar guys, you are going to keep attracting emotionally immature people.

You attract exactly who you are. You are not going to get the person you want unless you get yourself first, change the way you are, and change the way you meet people.

It’s unbelievable how some people act. They talk so much about what they want, what they need and what they have to have, and yet they are not working on becoming that person themselves. They are not embracing that person they want.

Remember too that you are not the only one who has a list. Many of the people you meet will have a list of their own.

When two people who want a kind of person they themselves are not, those two people inevitably will break up (or get divorced). Since you were not connected deeply to the other person’s soul from the get-go, you will never connect with who the other person truly is and what that other person is truly all about.

So look at your life right now. Look in the mirror. How do you go out and meet people? Are you still doing the same things you were doing ten or fifteen years ago because you’re in denial? Are you in your 40s but are still conducting your life like you’re in your 20s?

I’m not talking about you stopping being or having fun. I’m talking about you really taking a look at all your wants and seeing if your behavior (and you as a person) match them.

So for tomorrow, I like the Ravens and the Giants not only to win — but to crush their opponents. Tomorrow will also be the day that the Lions finally win a game. The Redskins have shown nothing so far, and the Lions are due.

On to today’s blog, and it’s a good one . . .

This blog today comes right from my heart. The wisest person in life is not the one who knows everything. Sure, that person is pretty damn wise, but only if that person has actually experienced everything he or she knows.

There are a lot of “Mr. Humble” people out there. You know who that person is, don’t you? He’s that guy who who is NEVER humble?

He is the one who always has something to say about everything. He thinks he knows about everything even though he’s never experienced half of the things about which he talks.

The wisest people are those who can shut the hell up when something new and unknown comes into their life. “Mr. Humble,” on the other hand, is always feeling like he needs to contribute something to the conversation even if he knows nothing about it.

I know when something comes up in a conversation with which I’m not familiar, that I sit back and listen. I don’t let my ego get in the way. If the conversation is going in a direction that I’m unfamiliar with and I can’t control, I just kick back and listen. As I listen, I’m learning.

Life is a series of repeated experiences. Two weeks after that conversation where I kicked back and listened, I might find myself in another conversation about that same topic about which I previously knew nothing.

Because I sat back and listened the first time, I’m now able to contribute. By contributing to this new conversation, I earn respect and I learn even more about the topic.

People often over-talk because they think that people will respect them more if they have a lot to say. People, however, actually respect you less if you over-talk. If you don’t know what you’re talking about, it’s okay to sit back and listen.

The quiet, silent types are the ones who are always listening and learning. We all know people who will always contribute to the conversation, regardless of if they know about the topic or not.

It’s their ego talking. Their ego wants them to be the wisest person in the conversation. In reality, though, the wisest people I know talk half of the time, and listen the rest.

Eagles and the Chargers in the Super Bowl.

Client: So are you opposed to the idea of the first contact being through texting?

David: Yeah.

Client: Sometimes I feel like on the phone I can’t ever get my rap together. And nowadays, no one ever answers their phone!

Khiem: David’s a bit different from me. I don’t mind a quick text once in a while. I don’t mind the first contact to be via text but there needs to be a phone call very quickly after that.

David: I do like texting. Khiem, you just like to talk on the phone longer than I do. The other day Khiem got on the phone at 5:30 and rumor has it he wasn’t off of it until 11:30 or 12:00! When he wants to have a phone conversation, you might as well make plans for yourself for lunch, dinner, and a snack! It will be a while!

Khiem: With the girl that I’m seeing, I made a rule that I wasn’t going to talk to her every day. So then every time we talk, she wants more. I try to give her enough to last her a couple of days. I don’t want to talk to her every day!

Client: When you’re seeing somebody, how much do you think that they want to hear from you?

Khiem: I set a rule about what I want. Do you remember how I said earlier that you should make sure that you tell people how much you expect from them? Let them know what you want so that they know what to expect from you.

I tell women up front that I like my independence and that calling every day is too much for me. I tell her that I want her to grow and have her own life. I don’t like clingy girls, and I tell women that straight up. If you like clingy girls, that’s cool, but that’s not who I am, and I won’t do it.

And because I’ve laid that out to her, she accepts it. You have to tell them up front. For me, we can talk every two or three days – no more than that.

Client: But when you do talk to her, you have meaningful conversations, right?

Khiem: Oh yeah, it’s always meaningful, and many times it’s arousing as well. Not every phone call would include dirty talk, but many of them do.

Client: Do you think that there are special considerations when you are dating younger women?

David: How young are they? (laughter)

Client: Not like students, I’d say around 30. That’s the absolute youngest I would ever go.

Khiem: You have to understand their world.

David: Yeah.

Khiem: Try to understand their world, because each woman at different ages has different expectations in life. Based on their expectations and lifestyle, you can work from that angle.

You don’t want to try to accommodate yourself entirely to her. But if you’re dating a woman who is a lawyer or does something corporate, then you know that she has a busy schedule. You know that you have to set up a date at least three or four days in advance – if not a week.

But if you know that she’s more active and spontaneous, you can call her more often and be more spur-of-the-moment with your dates. That’s how you tailor your communication style to the woman that you are interested in.

At a younger age, she has a higher level of distractions. Women in their twenties have a high level of distractions, particularly around 23, 24, 25.

Client: 23 is like insane.

David: At 23, it’s like a Labrador Retriever on the beach! “Should I play? Should I sniff ass? Should I go? Should I get the ball? Oh my god, nobody wants to play with me? I’m going to go lie down and look sad for 20 minutes.”

Khiem: Yeah, at 28 you start to get settled. 28-year-olds still haven’t fully matured yet, but around that age they start to settle down. But again, what is she doing? What kind of life does she live? Is she working? Is she still in party-mode?

You can meet women in their thirties that are still in party-mode.

David: Oh yeah!

Khiem: But you can also meet 24-year-olds who are out of that, done with partying and looking for something more.

David: Let’s take it a bit deeper. I speak to all women in the same way, because I know that I attract a certain type of woman. I’m very careful about who I attract into my life. I like a certain type of woman.

Sometimes someone might slip through the cracks – because the sex is great or whatever. There are certain women you’ll put up with more shit from because you’re just in the mood for that type of sexual relationship or something.

But most of the time, if you like a certain type of woman, you’re used to dealing with that type of woman. Maybe you don’t like the hard, ball-busting, lawyer type of woman, so you avoid them. Maybe you prefer the creative types – or whatever it might be. You’re used to that type of woman, and that’s what you attract.

But I always tell a guy that if you’re looking for a woman a lot younger than you, you’re going to encounter a whole other language.

Client 1: I feel like on some of these online dating sites, the girls my age are always looking for men aged 28 to 45. What does that mean?

Client 2: What’s wrong with that? What site is that again? (laughter)

Client 1: But what does that really mean? Does that mean that they just want someone that is mature and confident?

Khiem: Probably. Usually what they mean by older is not so much age, but someone who is comfortable with themself.

A lot of younger girls who are looking for older men are tired of the guys their age who have no clue. They are looking for a guy who is really secure in his own identity. He might be established as well, but that’s usually coming from the maturity of being secure in yourself. Generally that’s what they mean when they are looking for older guys.

Client 1: Okay, I just didn’t know if I should take it at literal value, like, okay they are just looking for someone that is older.

David: It means that they are pretty much open. They are looking for somebody who knows himself. They are tired of meeting man-boys. They’ve dated them. They are sick and tired of guys that are indecisive.

But they don’t really realize that the older guys are often just as indecisive! We have more life experience to share with them, which they like, but age doesn’t necessarily mean you’re secure with yourself.

It’s time to declare your outcome independence! Here are ways to lose your outcome dependence and attract more women by connecting with them:

1. Stop Being A Predator: You can’t possibly meet every woman you see. Virtually every guy I’ve ever coached have asked me how they can meet women who are walking toward them on the street. Think about this though. You’re walking down the street. You see a woman you find attractive who is also walking down the street. You’re both in a hurry. You all of a sudden become very outcome dependent – you want to meet her right now and get her phone number right now. Let me try to put it into perspective: When you’re in a rush walking down the street, do you like to be bothered? You can’t bother every single woman as she walks down the street by stopping her to ask her for her phone number. You need to realize that you can’t have every single woman you see simply because you find them attractive, because women will not be attracted to you unless you know how to also connect with them. So stop being a predator who chases women, and start attracting them by engaging them in conversations.

2. Good Mechanics Don’t Ensure Success: Just because you walked over to a woman and opened her with some amazing words of wisdom does not mean that she will want to go out with you. When you speak with a woman you need to listen very carefully to what she has to say, because it takes more than a clever opener to really get a woman to be interested in you. You need to pay really close attention to everything a woman says so you can initiate conversation topics about what’s already in her mind. You need to be able to not only engage her in conversation, but also to be able to take the conversation deeper. So just because you arrived on the scene and delivered a perfect opener does not mean that you’re going to get the phone number. It takes a lot more than just showing up in life to get that phone number from a woman.

3. Stay In The Moment: One of the most important things to do to stop being outcome dependent is to make a significant mindset shift. What this means is that when you are talking to a woman, you need to stop focusing on getting women’s phone numbers and start focusing more on staying present in the moment. A lot of men will ask a woman for her phone number and to go out on a date with him mere seconds after they approach and start talking to her. That is the very embodiment of being outcome dependent. Remember once again that in order to get a woman’s phone number you must first connect with her emotionally and in a way that will make her want to give you her phone number. One thing you’ll need to do to connect with women is to be willing to share something about yourself.

Think about this from a woman’s perspective. You’re a complete stranger who has approached her and asked her out … all in fifteen seconds or less. She will first wonder why you are asking her out, but since you know nothing else about her she will assume that you are only asking her out because you are physically attracted to her. Plus since she knows nothing about you, she is unlikely to agree to give you her phone number. So if you want to connect with women when you meet them, you are going to have to spend some time being in the moment with them. Putting in this time also allows both of you to see if you even like each other. Plus, if you’ve been in the moment and connected with a woman when you meet her, if she does give you her phone number she will be excited to get your call (instead of feeling about you like she does about most telemarketers).

4. There Is No Call Back Guarantee: Just because you were able to get a woman’s phone number does not mean that she will call you back after you’ve called her. It is a simple fact of life that there are some women who will give out their phone number just because a man asks for it and regardless of whether she actually is interested in having him call her. There are other women who may genuinely be interested in you when they give you their phone number, but may decide later (due to changing their mind or meeting someone else) that they are not so interested in talking to you, and thus may not return your call when you call them. So to increase your odds of getting a call back, make sure you connect with a woman emotionally before you ask for her phone number. That will greatly increase the chances she will call you back. If a woman for whatever reason does not call you back, don’t take it personally. That happens to everyone. Just move on to meeting someone else. There’s always another woman to meet.

So are you a guy who believes that if you get a woman’s phone number that she is going to be your next girlfriend (or might even be “the one”)? Are you also a guy who believes that if that same woman doesn’t call you back that you must not have said the right thing when you approached her? If so, then you like so many men are very outcome dependent.

So many men perceive approaching a woman like a rite of passage which entitles them to favorable responses from the women they’ve approached. This is the outcome dependent mentality. It’s time to declare your outcome independence!

Understand that you may have to approach a lot of women before you find one who really relates to you. Also, the next time you walk up to a woman, don’t think about how badly you want to go out with her. Instead, get to know her first to see if you really do want to go out with her.