You say to your friend, “Look, man, this woman is not good for you. She’s exactly like Mary was. She’s a taker . . . etc etc etc.” When you do that, how does that other person usually respond?

Well, your friend usually listens to you. Then at the end of the conversation, he will say something to you like, “You know, I never looked at it that way” or “You may be right. I’d like to talk about it more.” You don’t get into a fight with him. You don’t yell and scream at each other.

Now compare that scenario to this one. Say your lover comes to you and says, “I really don’t like the way you’ve been lately. You’ve been really cold. You’ve really not been very affectionate. You used to rub my head all the time, and now you don’t.”

Instead of listening to our lover, what do we do? We become defensive.

We say something like, “What are you talking about? I rubbed your head two nights ago. What do you mean I’m not in touch with you anymore? Just the other day I made you breakfast.”

You start listing things you’ve done, which in turn makes your lover feel unsafe. Do you know how hard it is to go to your lover — your partner — and tell them what you told them?

You’re not saying to them, “You really don’t love me.” What you’re really telling them is, “Your behavior has changed a bit, it’s affecting me and our love doesn’t feel full. So I’m sharing this with you because I love you, and I want you to do these things for me because you’re the only one who can. Now I can fulfill my own needs, but it’s so much more beautiful when you take the time out and rub my head or listen to me after a hard day at work.”

The problem is that we get so defensive. We get defensive because we interpret this as, “Damn, they’re not satisfied. They don’t love me anymore.”

We jump to conclusions. Our egos jump into the mix. Our control issues jump into the mix.

We don’t listen to our lover like we listen to a friend. If we listened to our lover like we listened to our friends, then you would be so entwined with each other that there would be none of this type of ‘tit for tat’ arguments.

Those ‘tit for tat’ arguments in which it is a back and forth of ‘you don’t do this’ and ‘well you don’t do that’ never lead anywhere good. You never have those kind of arguments with a friend.

You don’t ever talk this way to a friend. A friend you love, honor and listen to when they have something to say to you.

Because we’re in a relationship, though, we think our partner is complaining about us when they say the same kind of things. In reality, what they are doing is crying out for something that they need and desire. You are the lucky person who is the one who can give them what they truly need, and the person they are able to be open and vulnerable enough to ask to do it.

When you get defensive and don’t do what they are asking of you, you are basically telling them that you are in control. You are really being passive aggressive, and telling them “I’m not going to do these things you want, because I interpret you asking as complaining.”

The truth is that it is YOU they want all along. So the next time your lover comes to you and tells you the things they need and desire — or maybe the things you haven’t done — listen to them.

Write the things down that they tell you, and start doing them the very next day. Then watch and see the love between you blossom even more. Watch them start doing even more things you want for you. Watch your intimacy grow. If you think you’re having good sex now, just wait!

Having trouble keeping the peace in your relationship, and sick of arguing about the same stuff over and over again? Click Here to end this for good, and to reignite the passion in your relationship.

Understanding how your actions affect others could be life’s biggest challenge. I know I’ve written about this before (and probably a lot) in the blog, but I think this is something we all need to learn.

In a relationship, if someone comes to you about your behavior, you need to look deep into why they came to you in the first place. Relationships are about compromising, really understanding each other and how we make each other feel. There is no perfect relationship out there.

I know the majority of my readers are single. For those of you who are single, if you are searching for a perfect relationship, let me tell you something. You will be searching forever. There is no perfect relationship because we are imperfect people.

If you believe that you are perfect, then you have a lot of growing up to do. If you believe everything you do is okay, then you also have a lot of growing up to do.

Actions that effect people you love and make them feel a certain way are ones at which you need to look. You need to look deep into whether you believe those actions are harmless, and you need to listen to people you respect and love.

Are you like some couples who battle more than others? Why is that?

It could be because certain people bring out the battler in you. The reason why they do is because there is a lesson you need to learn.

So instead of getting angry at the other person and defending yourself, start to look at your piece and part you played in causing the battle.

Once again, dropping your ego is good not only for your personal growth, but because doing that can help love grow even deeper. Being able to drop the ego is a huge challenge.

If you are able to look at how your actions affect others every day, though, you will find that your love for yourself will grow even more. The more you love yourself, the more someone else can love you.

This is a great lesson for all of you who are single. I know a lot of you who are single and reading this are thinking that this blog doesn’t pertain to you. The truth is that it very much pertains to you.

It pertains to you in so many ways, because you still interact with people — friends, business associates and dates — every day. There are things that you do every single day about which you can look deep inside yourself and from which you can grow. Life’s biggest lessons happen when you drop the ego.