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Posts Tagged ‘approach anxiety’ |
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Thursday, October 22nd, 2009
I get emails all the time from people who tell me how rotten their life is because they cannot meet people. My response is always, “That’s easy to fix! Try driving in L.A. traffic. You can’t do a thing about that.”
Los Angeles is a combination of a lot of things: sunshine, overpopulation . . . and the worst drivers you’ve ever seen. Overpopulation breeds bad drivers, because when you far too many people living in a small area you are bound to get a collection of the world’s worst drivers
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Los Angeles is not actually a tiny area, but it feels like it is because you can’t get anywhere. It’s like an old movie with not-so-great special effects where the people traveling in cars pass by the same scenery over and over again. That’s what it’s like living in Los Angeles.
Everyone who lives in Los Angeles has a driving horror story. Mine? One time it took me 2½ hours to get to a Lakers game. To give you an idea how close I lived to the arena, it took me only seventeen minutes to get home. To put this in perspective, when I lived in Colorado I could drive 170 miles in 2½ hours.
So, anyone who is complaining about not being able to approach members of the opposite sex needs to come to Los Angeles and get behind the wheel of a car. You’ll never see approaching as being frustrating and intimidating ever again!
People will tell you that to deal with L.A. traffic, all you need is good music and a cell phone. I’m thinking that instead of good music and a cell phone, you really need a bullhorn and a shotgun, because I really like kick back on the sofa listening to music to relax. As for talking on my cell phone, I really don’t want to talk on the phone while I am screaming at people in traffic.
You have approach anxiety? No problem! I’ll tell you what. If I can figure out how to get through L.A. traffic, I’ll show you in five minutes how to meet members of the opposite sex.
Tags: approach anxiety, bullhorn, cell phone, Dating Advice, dating advice for men, david wygant, Lakers, Los Angeles, Los Angeles Lakers, Los Angeles traffic, traffic
Posted in Humor & Just For Fun | 19 Comments »
Sunday, September 27th, 2009
The following is a transcription of an actual one-on-one coaching interaction I had with a client at a recent Bootcamp. This, by the way, is an excellent example of the individual coaching every coaching clients get!
So here’s something I said to a recent client who was very anxious about approaching women. He was also very nervous about what would happen if he did approach them, and about how they would react. Here’s what I said to him:
Think about this. Every time you approach a woman, it’s like you’re doing it as a child would do it. Do you remember when you were a child and your mother would say, “Alright, before I get home tonight you have to clean your room. If you don’t clean your room, you won’t be able to watch TV?”
So what did you do? You cleaned your room, because you knew that you’d be rewarded for it. You might have kicked all your clothes under the bed to get that job done, but the bottom line was you did whatever it took to earn that reward.
Now, because of that social conditioning, whenever you walk over to a woman you are still completely attached to the outcome of the encounter.
At work if you wanted to become a partner, there were certain conditions you had to meet. As you met all of those conditions, you would think, “Okay, check. I did it,” but then they would mind-f*^k you a little more by making you do more things before they would make you partner.
When you finally did make partner, though, do you remember how you felt? It was a reward, right? You thought, “Yay! I made partner!”
Here’s the thing: Our whole life is about rewards. At work if you bring in a lot of money, it means that you had a good month. Everyone has a different agenda.
Salesmen have sales quotas. Copywriters want their sales pages to make a lot of money. If these things don’t happen, people will think “What did I do wrong? Where is the reward?”
Everything is about the reward. If you eat well for a day and then get on the scale, what happens next? You might lose a pound. That’s a reward.
Everything in life is a reward EXCEPT interactions with people. We have to stop being so selfish.
When you see somebody you’re interested in, why don’t you pay them a nice compliment just for the sake of being nice? People always expect something back.
Men and women will stand there like a little kid waiting for something in return when they make a gesture to each other. So you walked over to somebody. Congratulations! So then you stand there, expecting to be rewarded with a phone number or a date . . . or with sex?
Sex is certainly not a reward. A lot of “nice guys” are conditioned to believe that if they do nice things (or do all the right things), that they will be rewarded with sex. It doesn’t work that way.
Here is the way life really works. You know what you know, and you have to be okay with that and with whatever sensations are going through your body and whatever ideas are going through your head.
Being in a situation where we don’t know about something brings us anxiety. We always like to be in control of the situation.
It is an anxious moment for a lot of guys to go over and approach a woman. It’s an anxious moment for a lot of guys to just walk up to a woman and pay her a nice compliment.
The truth is that many women get their validation from someone paying them those kind of compliments. If you think about it, when you give a woman a compliment you are actually giving her a reward. She wants to be noticed, so when someone appreciates her it is a reward.
Deepak Chopra wrote that every day you should commit one random act of kindness or pay one compliment to a total stranger, and expect nothing in return. When you expect nothing back, you get everything back.
Instead of seeking a reward, just walk up to somebody and compliment them. Say, “Wow, that is a great shirt on you” or “Wow, you have a great pair of legs.” Whatever it is – it doesn’t matter. Then continue on with your business.
Make it seem like you’ve always laid those compliments out there, so it doesn’t appear to be something that is totally new. This will help get over that anxiety.
Tags: advice, approach, approach anxiety, approaching, complimenting women, compliments, Date, dating, dating advice for men, dating tips, david wygant, deepak chopra, how to approach, how to approach women, how to meet women, how to open a woman, how to talk to women, meet, meet women, meeting, opening lines, promotion, pua, random acts of kindness, reward, rewards, tips
Posted in Attract and Approach Men, Attract and Approach Women, Day Game, Life Style 101, Mindset | 15 Comments »
Saturday, August 22nd, 2009
Yesterday when I arrived at the security line at LAX, it looked like the opening of a Harry Potter movie. I was thinking to myself, “Why did I fly United again?!” Then I remembered, “Oh yeah . . . it was the only direct flight.”
So because our flight time was getting close, we of course had to be pulled from the line to go through security (along with some others whose flights were also coming up soon). We were on the 11:45 flight.
Of course one woman whose flight was at 11:34, barreled past me breaking Sonja and I up. This other woman says, “Wait! I’m on the 11:24 flight!” and wanted to go ahead of the 11:34 woman, but the 11:34 woman wouldn’t let her go ahead even though the other woman’s flight was before hers.
Did you ever meet someone you just want to kick and shake? That woman was radiating negative energy. I’m sure her purse was filled with Tums, Mylanta, pain medication . . . and maybe some Xanax. She might have even been an emergency Valium woman like my mother.
So I made the flight here to New Orleans, and now I have a job for all of you this weekend. You’re probably thinking, “Wait, I read yesterday’s blog about the job you gave us to reconnect with old friends. You have TWO jobs for us this weekend?” For any of you who need a refresher on yesterday’s blog, CLICK HERE.
For those of you who are regular readers, you know I have limited experience with children. I’ve even called them “little aliens” from time to time, even though they’re really just little people.
I learned some things watching little Ashlyn here. It’s amazing how uninhibited a 2½ year old’s body language and emotions are. You know exactly when a kid wants to talk to you, play with you, communicate something to you . . . and you know when they think you’re a creep.
They are either naturally approachable or naturally unapproachable — like pitbulls. They are based on natural body language intuition, and are without fears and doubts.
So your job, Ethan Hunt . . . oh, wait this isn’t Mission: Impossible . . . is to go find some little kids this weekend and watch them. Go to a Chuck E. Cheese or a park and just enjoy yourself. Don’t go dressed in trenchcoat looking like a creep, and just enjoy the day.
I want you to go back to your more innocent days when you were more open about meeting people. The way to do that is to be open about body language, dynamics and from where the smile comes.
For those of you who think you’re above this, you don’t get the point of this. For those of you who think this is silly, you can be like Kristen’s cats and just hide in your room. People can be so much like cats — you take a cat out of it’s environment to a new place, and it freaks out for weeks and hides in corners in a room.
What would you rather be like? Think about it. Would you rather look at the world and the beauty that it is? Or, would you rather be like Kristen’s cats, Captain Jack and Hercules, scared of the living room? Would you rather be screaming with enjoyment, or screaming with fear?
Here’s a quote I just heard that fits perfectly into today’s blog and is a good ending to it: “You know if you hide from your fears, they don’t go away. They get bigger and they get worse. The only way to get rid of them is to face them.”
Have an amazing Saturday!
Tags: airport security, approach anxiety, Body Language, Captain Jack, cat behaviors, cats, children, children's behavior, Chuck E. Cheese, dating advice for men, dating advice for women, david wygant, Ethan Hunt, fear of approaching men, fear of approaching women, Harry Potter, Hercules, how to approach men, how to approach women, innocence of children, LAX, Mission: Impossible, Mylanta, negative energy, New Orleans, park, trenchcoat, Tums, united airlines, valium, Xanax
Posted in Attract and Approach Men, Attract and Approach Women, Body Language | 8 Comments »
Sunday, April 19th, 2009
Hey Everyone,
For this week, Sunday is Q&A day on the blog. Here are two more great questions you’ve submitted to me. Remember, if you are on my subscriber list and want to submit a question for me to answer in future blogs, simply respond to any one of the newsletter emails with your question.
If you’re not on my newsletter subscriber list and would like to be, all you need to do is go to the blue box at the upper right hand corner of each page of this website and submit your name and email. It’s that simple! Then as soon as you receive your first newsletter via email, you can submit your question!
Now, on to today’s questions!
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**Reader Question 1**
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Hi David,
How do you approach women in a situation where there are lots of people close by? For example, you step onto a train and there’s a really cute girl you like seated in the middle of a carriage and there’s 20-30 other people around. Let’s say you don’t have a seat next to that girl, how would you initiate an interaction then?
Kind Regards and thanks in advance,
Andrew
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**My Answer To Reader 1’s Question**
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This is a great question from Andrew: How do you approach a woman in a situation where there are lots of people close by? For example, this might happen if you step into a train and there’s a really cute girl you’d like to approach sitting in the middle of the cart, but there are twenty or thirty other people all around her.
Here’s what you would do in that (and any similar) situation. You just walk toward her, smile and ask her “How’s your day?” Just have a conversation with her.
The reason you hesitate to approach women in these situations is because you are focused on all the other people who are around her. Let me tell you something I tell guys over and over again: You are not front page news!
I remember one time a client of mine said to me, “David, I see women all the time I want to approach, but I don’t want to be rejected in front of other people.” I told him the exact same thing I’m saying in response to Andrew’s question: You are not front page news!
Let me put this into perspective. First, no matter what happens you’re not being rejected (as I talked all about in Wednesday’s blog and podcast). If you approach someone and they don’t respond positively to you, then they just don’t feel the same chemistry you do. So get rid of the “getting rejected” mindset right away.
Second, remember that other people really don’t care about you and what happens when you approach someone. They are too wrapped up in their own lives to care about what is happening in your love life.
They don’t even see you walking around that train. They don’t notice you approaching that woman. They’re not talking about it. You’re never going to hear over a supermarket loudspeaker “Attention shoppers! Andrew just got rejected in the produce aisle of this very Whole Foods store!”
This is all about your own excuses and fears. Walk over to someone you want to meet, talk to them and be open with them. On a train say, “Hey, how’s your day going?” Be friendly.
It’s all about the energy that you convey. Stop thinking about the other people around you. Nobody is watching you. They’re too wrapped up in their own monkey chatter.
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**Reader Question 2**
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David,
Background – I’m not in a great relationship, (too new) but I was well on my way to being over my ex. Or so I thought. And just last night I messed up and slept with my ex in a moment of weakness. I know you are going to say that women aren’t weak. And you are correct. I consciously made the decision and executed. Even knowing that it was wrong. My ex couldn’t know what or who I am with or even in a relationship. The contact from him was out of the blue and an instant spark.
Here’s the strange part. There was no discussion about getting back together. Quite the opposite. My ex went on and on about how lucky I was to be rid of him. He is in a relationship that isn’t great, and as much as he cares for me, thinks of me all the time, he was pretty adamant about stating the obvious – that he knows we couldn’t be together.
You haven’t failed me with advice to this point. In fact my girlfriends often ask ourselves, “What would David do?”
Bottomline – since I didn’t use my chance to say “No” when I could, now what do I do? Wait for another chance? Call let him know “No”? Do nothing?
Thanks for you help.
Always,
Arlanne
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**My Answer To Reader 2’s Question**
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Arlanne, you slept with your ex. That’s okay. You slept with him. You messed up. It was a moment of weakness. We all do it.
In fact, I’ve done it. I remember sleeping with my ex a couple years back. It was Thanksgiving time and we slept together. We were curious. It was a moment of weakness.
She and I even talked about how it was great just to have sex and not be in a relationship with each other. We made jokes about it.
It’s no big deal. Don’t even worry about it. Joke about it with the ex the next time you see him. If sleeping with him messed you up again in your head and you’re feeling confused, then just be sure that you don’t do it again.
I always say that everyone is likely to go back and have sex with an ex one, two or even three more times because we all get weak. Something will happen in our lives — maybe a family tragedy or something really bad at work — and nobody understands us like our ex, so we reach for something comfortable and familiar.
We’re human. We mess up and make mistakes. Sometimes we just need something comfortable. It’s okay.
As far as I’m concerned, Arlanne, the most important thing for you is to be sure you are continuing to work on meeting someone new who is fantastic. When your ex says to you how lucky you were to be rid of him, he means it.
He also said that because he knows he doesn’t want you, and he doesn’t want you to get attached again. He knows it’s probably difficult for you. So, he did it with a really cruel spirit.
You had sex with the ex. We all do it. Now it’s time to move on.
Tags: approach anxiety, breaking through fears, fears of approaching, getting over an ex, Rejection, sex with an ex
Posted in Attract and Approach Women, Dating Etiquette, Divorce, Goals & Aspirations, How To Be A Better Communicator | 11 Comments »
Saturday, March 14th, 2009
A quick blog about what you can do this weekend. And if you do not have a museum head to an art store or art gallery and you can do the same exact thing.
I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, but one of the best Sunday exercises is going to a museum or an art gallery and hanging out there.
Hang out there for two or three hours and have conversations with every single person you see. Everyone.
Walk over to them and say, “excuse me, what do you think of this painting?” or “how does this painting make you feel?” You will get into great conversations all day long.
This teaches you a few things. For one, it shows you that people don’t bite – nothing bad is going to happen to you if you talk to people.
Secondly, it’s great practice. It teaches you how to listen. You have to listen to be able to talk about the subject that you’re discussing.
Specifically in terms of artwork, there is so much going on in front of you. We’re in a museum right now, and a client just told me how easy it is in here, because there are so many things to talk about – the things on the wall, the collections, etc.
But life itself is like a museum! After you go to a museum, you can walk around your life and find anything to talk about. You find things to discuss and things to ask questions about.
Today, during a bootcamp, we started at a food market, and all of the conversations started with talking about brownies and pastries. And all of those people we talked to came back to talk to us later.
This is why observations are so powerful. In a grocery store, in a museum, in an art gallery – you have all of these opportunities to talk about the things that are going on.
Tags: approach, approach anxiety, approaching, approchable, bootcamp, Conversation, food market, shy, social anxiety, social circle, socializing, talk to people, talk to strangers
Posted in Attract and Approach Women, Dating Etiquette, Divorce, How To Be A Better Communicator, Marriage, Masturbation | 7 Comments »
Saturday, February 7th, 2009
Saturday and i thought this quick thought I had would be a great mindset for the weekend.
Enjoy your day!!!
We all want something. We want the end result.
You’re dating a woman, and you want to get her to fall in love with you. Or maybe you’re dating somebody, and you want him or her to move in with you. Or you see her two days a week, but you really want to see her four days a week.
So instead of being present and enjoying that moment, you’re thinking about what you want to get out of it. And you’re not really there.
My favorite times are with my girlfriend – and every single day with her is amazing because I’m always learning something new – but one of the best times we had together was in the beginning of our relationship when we stayed on the phone all night long. We’d get on the phone at 11 p.m. intending to talk for a few minutes, but we’d still be on the phone together five or six hours later.
(more…)
Tags: approach, approach anxiety, attraction, closing, confidence, double your dating, flirt, hot girl
Posted in Attract and Approach Women, Dating Etiquette, Divorce | 12 Comments »
Monday, January 26th, 2009
So you’re at a party and you lock into “the woman.” You’ve figured out which woman is the one that you really want to get to know.
You guys converse for a few minutes, and then she walks away. And after this, you stop enjoying yourself because all you’re thinking about is “Where is she right now? Is she coming back?”
With all of these thoughts running through your head, you can’t really concentrate on the conversations you’re having with other people. This is where you make the biggest mistake.
You have to understand that the dynamic presence – the power of who you are as a person – will intrigue her. Did you intrigue her enough? If you intrigued her enough, you can just walk away.
A confident man will walk away knowing that the woman will come back. An unconfident man will follow her around and turn her off. The more you follow her around, the more she’ll start to think, “Why is this guy being so needy and following me around?”
(more…)
Tags: Add new tag, approach, approach anxiety, dating advice for men, dynamic, flirt with women, hot women, How To Be A Better Communicator, intrigue, love, maxim, pua
Posted in Attract and Approach Women, Divorce | 67 Comments »
Sunday, January 25th, 2009
Coaching is not a miracle. There is no miracle out there. Miracle drugs, diets and solutions are really just quick-fix illusions, like that grilled cheese sandwich in 2004 that had the image of the Virgin Mary burned into it. Someone paid $28,000 on eBay for that! Seriously, I’m not making this shit up! (link the last two words of this sentence with http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4034787.stm)
The point of life is realizing every single day that life itself is actually a miracle.
To get really Zen in your thinking, you need to accept everything that comes into your life and learn from the lessons you are presented with. You need to embrace those lessons and move forward.
It’s important to realize that when you receive coaching of any kind – whether it is a dating bootcamp or coaching on a physical sport – you have to practice.
Think about yoga. Yoga is practice, right? Why is yoga called practice? Because you’ll never be good at it unless you practice. And there is always room for improvement; there is always something new to learn.
I’ve been doing yoga for three years, and while I’m much better now than I was when I started, I’m still not as good as I’m going to be. Even when I get to the point where I’m really good, I’m still going to have to improve and get somewhere else.
That’s what life is about: a constant evolution, trying to get somewhere. And more important than this evolution is your acceptance of it. The more you accept, the more you will evolve. This is where that Zen-like feeling comes in, which we all want to feel, right? (more…)
Tags: Add new tag, approach anxiety, bootcamp, coaching, Dating Advice, double your dating, flirt with women, great sex, Los Angeles, miracle real social dynamics mystery method art of charm pickup podcast, pick up, training, whole foods
Posted in Attract and Approach Women, Dating Etiquette, Divorce | 28 Comments »
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