You are on a ten hour flight coming back from wherever you’ve been — from a secret location vacation. That’s what I like to call my vacations: secret location vacations. (We had a great time on ours by the way).

So we are nearly at the end of our ten hour flight back to Los Angeles, when the flight attendant becomes just really annoying. Here we are, watching our fourth movie and enjoying it. It was a really great movie called “My Sister’s Keeper,” and we’re getting close to the gut-wrenching end when the poor girl is dying of cancer.

Then, all of a sudden, the movie freezes on the screen as the flight attendant gets on the P.A. system to talk to us about . . . money. Yes, she wanted to announce that they were sending around a bag to collect money for UNICEF.

Now maybe if they had brought around a giant plastic pumpkin — or even one of those orange boxes like we used to use when I was a kid — then I might have given them my leftover change. To pass around a garbage bag, though, is just showing there there is no innovation.

It was also really annoying to have her go into this long speech about UNICEF when I just wanted to see the end of the movie. When the movie final did resume, the pilot gets on the speakers.

Who cares that we are almost there. Just land the plane. Then he gives us a guided tour of what is below us. As I am in a middle row, I can’t possibly see that we’re flying over Vegas.

Then the movie comes back on, except it is interrupted again by one of my favorite things in the world:the welcome to America video. It’s such a wonderful video. It teaches you how to make it through customs as if you are retarded.

Look, I’ve flown into England, Germany and lots of other countries, and nobody else plays a video about what to do when you get there. That’s part of the fun of going — not knowing what to do, what to claim and what to fill out.

The United States, however, has an entire patriotic video. Any of you who work for the government are probably cringing right now because I probably sound very anti-American.

The truth is that I am not anti-American at all. I just do not want to watch these videos . . . especially during a crucial part of the movie I’m trying to finish on the plane.

When they finally put the movie back on again, then the flight attendant comes over and says she wants to put my headphones away before we land in another 20 minutes. I looked at her and said, “No, you’ve already interrupted the move fourteen times.”

So if any of you work for the airlines, please help out and see what you can do about getting rid of those videos. Also, although I don’t mind giving money to causes, do we have to be asked while we’re on a plane?

We already give money everywhere we go. You are at the airport and a Hari Krishna hits you up before you hit the plane. You get off the plane, and some guy in a priest outfit is hitting you up for some type of Catholic school thing.

I mean everywhere you go, people are asking for money. Really, I’d like to see some ingenuity at least from the people asking me for the money. I’d like to see the first bum on the street with a credit card processing machining. That would really impress me. Instead of asking for change, they could tell you that they take PayPal, American Express, Visa and Master Card.

My feelings about airplanes would be different if the airlines offered better things on a plane. It would be different if when you boarded a plane, they asked if you were single and seated you with the other single people. I mean, how many times have you walked down the aisle of the plane toward your seat and thought, “Why aren’t I sitting next to THAT person?!”

You could change seats throughout the flights and get to socialize with lots of different people. They could designate a whole singles section in the back of the plane. It could be like a mini speed dating event in the back five rows.

They could have a section for each group. Singles could hang in the back few rows. Divorced people would sit in rows 3 through 7. Couples would hang out in a section together. There would be a section just for swingers. All all the screaming kids would be put in their own section.

Better yet, why not have an entirely separate plane just for kids. No adults, just the kids. Instead of flight attendants, there would be adult babysitters on the plane. They would walk around the plane serving three kinds of milk: breast, whole and skim. Can you imagine what those flight attendants would look like by the end of each trip? Green pea spit up on their shirts and all sorts of other craziness.

I actually think that singles should have their own plane . . . and even their own airline. On that airline, the cart would go around serving shots, cosmopolitans, martinis and Jaegermeister. Instead of peanuts, they would hand out condoms to each person.

There would be a special place for people to go to hook up and join the mile high club. If you think about it, this is a great idea and actually superior to other ways people meet and hook up.

Think if you were on a ten hour flight and ended up getting laid. Is that so crazy? People hook up all the time after two or three hours of talking to someone in a bar. Ten hours sitting and talking with someone on a plane is a long time to get to know someone. It’s like three dates worth of conversation smushed together into one trip.

On the singles airline, if you get laid on the flight you would earn triple miles. just think, three trips to Europe getting laid on each one and you’re executive platinum status. If you think executive platinum has benefits on American, on our airline you get your own waterbed in the back complete with a Hugh Hefner silk robe. Talk about priority seating. . .

This singles airline concept would definitely save the airline industry a lot better than collecting for UNICEF.

Maybe it’s all the lingering issues this woman has in her head. Maybe it’s all her excuses that’s holding her back. If she could just along with others, then maybe life would be better. If this damn recession wasn’t happening, then maybe people would feel better about her.

Then there’s all the constant bickering she has with Iran, Iraq and North Korea. I mean, really, at this advanced age don’t you think she would have known that picking fights and taunting and teasing people doesn’t work? Don’t you think her mother would have taught her how to embrace her enemies?

You’d think on this day — her birthday — she’d be more reflective. I mean, 233 years old and still making the same mistakes!

233 years old and she’s still not meeting the right people at the right parties. Do you know why? It’s because people like you and I are running the place.

People make mistakes. So the next time you get pissed at the government, about a war, or about whatever it is about the country that upsets you, realize that it’s just people making the wrong choices and decisions. It’s no different than you walking up to the wrong person at the 4th of July party.

If today when you’re at the 4th Of July barbecue the woman you want to meet doesn’t talk to you, are you going to create a war? If that woman doesn’t talk to you, are you going to blame the recession?

If a man doesn’t approach you today even with your beautiful spray tan, the ten pounds you’ve lost and with you looking great in your bathing suit, are you going to think he’s hiding nuclear weapons? If he is, you may want to find out quickly, because who knows what kind of 4th of July orgasm he can bring.

So today when you’re watching the fireworks and searching for a great party, cut yourself some slack. Our beautiful lady is turning 233 years old today and she still screws up, and I guarantee you will too.

You will leave one barbecue to search out a bigger, better barbecue. Then the next day you’ll hear how the barbecue you left turned out to be THE barbecue of the summer. You missed that barbecue because you left to go hang out at the summit.

I guarantee that today one of your friends will become too drunk and will get annoying. You will get hounded by someone who will tell you their name no less than seven times. Someone will fart in the middle of the party and you’ll have to embrace the fumes.

Today when you’re searching for perfection, realize that the country you live in is far from perfect . . . and that is what makes it such a great place to live. So have fun today at whatever party you attend. Stop searching for the perfect 4th of July. Cut yourself some slack and relax. You’ll have a much better time!

Today we’re going to an imperfect party with imperfect cooks, and we’re going to have a great time. The truth is that this great country turning 233 years old today cannot control the way your life is; only you can control that.

So Happy Birthday America! Also, remember, don’t look for the BBQ, i.e., the “bigger, better barbecue,” because when you wake up I guarantee you’ll find out you missed the best party.

They say “love the one you’re with.” I say love the party you’re at . . . cause it’s all you’ve got!