I love it…. as long as I can avoid the following top 10 bad passenger behaviors on an airplane.

Being a professional flyer (I haven’t earned my wings yet, but I do have a lot of miles and a lot of great benefits on American Airlines) I’ve learned, as George Clooney did in the movie “Up In The Air”,,there’s certain people that you really, really need to avoid as much as possible, and it starts before you even get to the airport.

1. Print out your boarding pass ahead of time and learn the art of the carry-on baggage. I don’t care if you’re going away for 10 days, you should never have to check your luggage. It adds at least an hour to your trip. Unless you’re status on an airline, which most people are not, you’re going to wait in a long line to check in your luggage, you’re going to pay a fee, the luggage is then going to go down a chute, it’s going to get the shit kicked out of it, maybe rummaged through, and then hopefully will get to the destination in one piece. And when it does get to the destination, you’ll be waiting for the carousel to start. If there’s ever a storm at the destination, or you’re arriving late at night, the airport usually is understaffed, so you’ll wait even longer. Learn to pack well, compress clothes, get a suitcase designed for carry-on, there are lots of things you can do. So, armed with that information, when you get to the airport, you’re already armed with your boarding pass and you immediately can go into the security line.

2. Scan the security line. When the security line disperses to four different lines after you wait in the main line, never, ever, ever go behind the family. You’re done. Little Timmy with his little suitcase, little Mary who just learned how to tie her shoes, the mother with the infant, the grandpa who forgets to take his belt off before going through the metal detector, the grandma freaking out because she has to go through the body scanner, they’ll all hold up that line. Never go behind the old people. They take forever with their stuff. Always look for the business people line, the businessman, the businesswoman, the solo person. Not the couple, because the couple can trip you up with an argument and anything else. When you make it through the security line, never act annoyed. Always smile at them. It’ll get you through a lot faster that way. When you’re up, be prepared. Laptop out, shoes off, jewelry off, belt off. Don’t be the guy who holds up the line.

3. When the flight is called, don’t all of a sudden go to the front of the line and pretend like you don’t know your group. You know you’re in group four, so just chill out and wait. Stop going up to the front of the line when you don’t belong in the front of the line, causing a log jam. Stick by your group.

4. Know your luggage dimensions. Wheels first, or wheels out. Bag vertical or bag horizontal. Don’t be the person who puts the luggage in sideways, wastes all that space, and leaves no room in the luggage overhead for anyone else. It just means that the plane will take off later. Don’t go to the bathroom when everybody is boarding, and then you got to work your way backwards against the flow of traffic. I love those people. You knew you had to pee before you got on the plane, you should have peed before you got on the plane. You don’t want to have to fight your way back. Do not put your luggage up way before your seating area.

5. If you’re in row 30, don’t throw your stuff up above row 10, it’s not fair to the people in row 10. You put your luggage in the row that you belong in. Don’t just dump it somewhere and then walk all the way to the back of the plane. Don’t be a luggage dumper.

6. Do not ass your neighbor. When you’re bending down to do something in your seat, do not stick your butt directly in someone’s face in the seat around you. You got to know the dimensions of your body by now, you’ve been in it your entire life, so do not ass somebody.

7. Do not bash somebody in the head with your carry-on bag. You know the dimensions of your carry-on bag, carry your bag on facing forward. Don’t sling it over your shoulder so it hits everybody in the head and shoulder as you’re going through the aisle. You know they way your bag hangs, don’t pretend it doesn’t do that just because it’s behind your back.

8. Don’t pretend you’ve never flown before. To get ready for takeoff, put your seatbelt on, turn your cell phone off, turn the ipod off. I love people who do that, they will keep the cell phone on and the headphones in the ears. If they tell you power off all electrical equipment, it means power off all electrical equipment. Mean, anything that has an on/off button, press the off button, that simple. You don’t need your phone on, you don’t need to wait for the last-minute text or the last-minute e-mail.

9. Never, ever buy McDonald’s and bring it on an airplane. The entire plane is going to smell like McDonald’s. There’s no worse smell than being in a closed compartment with the smell of Big Macs and French fries. So if you’re one of those people who loves McDonald’s, do everyone else a favor and eat it before you get on the plane so you can save the skin and clothes of everybody else. If you’ve ever been on an airplane with McDonald’s, your entire clothes stink like McDonald’s, your face smells like McDonald’s, everything smells like McDonald’s.

10. Acknowledge the person sitting next to you, but do not vomit words at them. The best people are those who share a seating area with you, they sit down and they don’t even say hello to you, at all. This way I know you don’t want to talk, you just say hey, how are you, and that’s it. Do not share your life history with somebody if they’re not interested. If you’d like to talk to the person next to you, go ahead and start a conversation. But it’s a long flight. If they do not respond to you, they put their headphones in, or they stare into a magazine up in their face, it means they don’t want to talk to you. Don’t continue talking or complaining or blabbering on if the person you’re talking to doesn’t care.

11. If you know you have a weak bladder or a bladder the size of a pea, do not get a window seat and then proceed to drink 100 gallons of water during the course of the flight and make the aisle seat person get up five times to let you out. On a two-hour flight, you do not need to be fed and watered every five minutes. There are plenty of times in your day when you are not eating and drinking for two hours. Granted, you need to hydrate on an airplane because you’ll feel better, but one 16 ounce bottle in a two-hour flight is sufficient.

12. This is not your bathroom at home, so do not bring a book or a newspaper with you into the bathroom. Do not sit there for a half hour and read a book while you are on the toilet. Go in, do your business, and get out.

Ok, so a little more than a top ten list. It’s amazing how a little bit of etiquette with people will do you wonders on an airplane. You’re sitting in a large cylinder with a group of strangers, so treat it that way.

And I don’t even want to mention the people who have chronic gas.

Why not just call yourself Southwest then? I mean, the flight was booked weeks ago and I can’t pick a seat? What a waste of time!

Not to mention, can people be any grumpier? I mean, it’s supposed to be the holiday time and yet I had the nastiest women sitting next to me on the plane.

They spent an hour complaining about Christmas shopping and the long lines. You all know the lines (no, I’m not talking to you PUA guys), the ones where you’re waiting to pay for your items? Those lines are actually one of the best ways to meet people.

Looking at those two women on the plane – no engagement rings on their fingers and bitching and complaining nonstop — I couldn’t imagine them grasping the concept of flirting while waiting in a line. Not to mention, that I bet those women were the same type of person who, when they get to the front of a line, go to pay with a check and haven’t even started to fill it in ahead of time.

Christmas time is one of the best times to talk to people in line. You can say, “Wow, what a great sweater!” or “Soap on a rope. Wow, I used to give that to my Dad!” If I had been in line with one of these women from the plane, however, I would have said something more like, “Do you always complain in line?”

When I was single, I’d always go people shopping around the holidays. I’d have no bags, go into a store and turn into a customer service rep. I’d say things like, “You’re really getting that sweater for your uncle Ted? I don’t think he’ll like it…”

My favorite question while waiting in line used to be, “If you could buy anything in this store, what would it be?” The answer to this question gives you great insight into someone’s personality.

It is also such a great open-ended question. Plus, it gives you the opportunity to ask people why they are buying the Zales heart-shaped pendant with the microscopic sized diamond chips when they could have gotten a sold 14K gold ring.

Anyway, have fun out there in the lines when you’re shopping. Oh, and just one last thing about holiday traveling.

I was in the security line listening to someone talk about how many planes they have to take to go from Los Angeles to Baltimore — 3 connections! I wondered how much they paid for the privilege of adding six hours to their trip and getting to schlep their gifts onto three different planes.

So I turned to that person and said, “Are you Santa Claus? Because it sounds like you have way too many rooftops to get to before you get to Baltimore.” They said, “The ticket was cheap.” I said, “How much?” They said they paid $265.00.” I didn’t want to tell them that I paid $260.00 for a direct flight on which I didn’t have to land on any rooftops.

For all of you who are willing to pay $10.00 less to add five hours to your trip, I have a question for you. Is your time only worth $10.00?

Do you think Southwest is your only flying alternative? It’s called marketing folks. Bags fly free? Great . . . but you also fly six hours longer.

So because our flight time was getting close, we of course had to be pulled from the line to go through security (along with some others whose flights were also coming up soon). We were on the 11:45 flight.

Of course one woman whose flight was at 11:34, barreled past me breaking Sonja and I up. This other woman says, “Wait! I’m on the 11:24 flight!” and wanted to go ahead of the 11:34 woman, but the 11:34 woman wouldn’t let her go ahead even though the other woman’s flight was before hers.

Did you ever meet someone you just want to kick and shake? That woman was radiating negative energy. I’m sure her purse was filled with Tums, Mylanta, pain medication . . . and maybe some Xanax. She might have even been an emergency Valium woman like my mother.

So I made the flight here to New Orleans, and now I have a job for all of you this weekend. You’re probably thinking, “Wait, I read yesterday’s blog about the job you gave us to reconnect with old friends. You have TWO jobs for us this weekend?” For any of you who need a refresher on yesterday’s blog, CLICK HERE.

For those of you who are regular readers, you know I have limited experience with children. I’ve even called them “little aliens” from time to time, even though they’re really just little people.

I learned some things watching little Ashlyn here. It’s amazing how uninhibited a 2½ year old’s body language and emotions are. You know exactly when a kid wants to talk to you, play with you, communicate something to you . . . and you know when they think you’re a creep.

They are either naturally approachable or naturally unapproachable — like pitbulls. They are based on natural body language intuition, and are without fears and doubts.

So your job, Ethan Hunt . . . oh, wait this isn’t Mission: Impossible . . . is to go find some little kids this weekend and watch them. Go to a Chuck E. Cheese or a park and just enjoy yourself. Don’t go dressed in trenchcoat looking like a creep, and just enjoy the day.

I want you to go back to your more innocent days when you were more open about meeting people. The way to do that is to be open about body language, dynamics and from where the smile comes.

For those of you who think you’re above this, you don’t get the point of this. For those of you who think this is silly, you can be like Kristen’s cats and just hide in your room. People can be so much like cats — you take a cat out of it’s environment to a new place, and it freaks out for weeks and hides in corners in a room.

What would you rather be like? Think about it. Would you rather look at the world and the beauty that it is? Or, would you rather be like Kristen’s cats, Captain Jack and Hercules, scared of the living room? Would you rather be screaming with enjoyment, or screaming with fear?

Here’s a quote I just heard that fits perfectly into today’s blog and is a good ending to it: “You know if you hide from your fears, they don’t go away.  They get bigger and they get worse.  The only way to get rid of them is to face them.” 

Have an amazing Saturday!