I brought Rey with me to New York last week. I had always thought Rey’s last name was Laing, and he never bothered correcting me. I had tried to check us in online before we got to the airport, but my printer was out of paper. My good assistant Rey hadn’t noticed it, and as I don’t really pay attention to office details, I hadn’t noticed it either.

So we got to the airport and scanned Rey’s credit card to check him in, and the screen said: Hello, Mr. Reynold Liang-Liu. And I thought, oh shit, that’s not the name on the reservation I made!

Before 9/11, if your name was Fred Mertz you could get on the plane with a ticket for Oscar Thompson. No one would care. But these days, with so much security, they care about things like that.

So thank god for the communication skills that both of us possess – luckily all we do is talk nonstop. We were able to persuade the American Airlines rep to let Rey on the plane even though his reservation didn’t have his complete name. Actually, it was fairly easy.

All right, so finally we got on the plane and I found this article in a magazine called “Fast Tracks to Dating Disaster.” Supposedly 626 women have revealed which moves will make an evening end with nothing more than a handshake.

One of these moves is taking a phone call during dinner. Are you an idiot? Are you really going to take a phone call during dinner when it’s your first date? Not only are you not going to get laid, but you’ll be lucky to get even a handshake.

Here’s another: forgetting your wallet. You forget your wallet and you’re going on a date? That’s just screaming to her that you’re cheap and irresponsible. What are you going to do? Call your dad to drop it off? How do you forget your wallet?

How about not holding the door open? Didn’t your mother teach you any manners? Hold the damn door open! It’s not that hard! Open the door, hold it, and let her go in first.

Next dating disaster is complaining about your ex. Hey, you picked her! This one is off the charts. You went out with her! You chose to date her! Can’t you embrace the lessons that you learned? As far as I’m concerned, I embrace every person I’ve ever been with, no matter how it ended. I chose to date these women for a reason, and I’ve learned things from them. I would never bash my exes.

How about arriving underdressed? I’ve seen people on dates before where the guy will actually have on a baseball cap turned backwards, a ripped t-shirt and chinos and the woman is dressed in a cute little skirt and a top.

Here’s one: talks a lot about himself. A lot of people talk about nothing but themselves. But it’s called a conversation for a reason. It should go back and forth like a tennis game. You listen and then react to what she says, and then she reacts to what you have said. This is having a conversation.

You don’t just sit there and brag about yourself. We’ve written blogs about that. Deeper braggers – remember those people who just want to talk about themselves?

Recently, this guy who can’t seem to stop asking out the girl I’m hanging out with bought her a series of Rolfing sessions, which costs about $1,300. She knows how expensive it is, and he looked at her and said, “oh, it’s no big deal. It’s like pennies to me.”

Come on, dude, what an ass. Never talk about how much a gift costs – especially when you’re trying to buy someone else’s girl something! You’re never going to get her anyway! People are so crazy.

Okay, here’s another fast track dating disaster: chewing with your mouth open. Do people actually do that? Do guys actually chew with their mouths open, especially on a date? That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard.

I had a roommate in college that used to chew with his mouth open. I would have to close my eyes when I was sitting across from him at dinner.

Next dating disaster is quoting the Simpsons. You have to be kidding me. Do people actually quote the Simpsons? They say, “ay caramba”? That is so 1990s!

Another disaster: putting his arm around me. Women might not mind that one as much as this one: copping a feel. Yes, there are apparently guys out there who think that they still need to feel breasts halfway through a dinner date.

I have a friend who is a total trip: at the end of every date, he brings her back to his $10 million home, hops into the hot tub naked and throws his date a bathing suit. He keeps an endless supply of bikinis. He doesn’t think that a date is successful until he gets off. He’s 47. He’s a caveman.

Those are some really good ones. What are your fast tracks to dating disasters?

Its summer travel season and I am off to Hawaii tomorrow, so i thought i would share a recent travel related adventure with you all….

By the way airports are great places to meet people.

Recently I was sitting in the Las Vegas airport and I realized – why would anybody actually want to fly Southwest?

They just landed the flight, you get three minutes to board the plane so they remain on time – basically I think Southwest should just move all of their terminals to the Greyhound bus terminal, because really Southwest is just the bus in the sky.

Everybody’s lined up in their little groups like robots, waiting to get on the plane. They then hustle on the plane so that they can go find a seat next to somebody they don’t want to sit next to in the first place – really if you think about it, flying on Southwest is a great way to meet people. You can pick and choose whom you want to sit next to!

On the plane ride here, I actually got on the plane and I was going to sit down, and there was this perfect seat in the front of the plane. This guy was sitting there in the corner all by himself, and everybody was walking by him and I couldn’t figure out why.

So I go put my bag in the overhead compartment, and as I start to sit down, all I can smell is the lovely smell of underarm sweat! Apparently, this man didn’t believe in using deodorant.

It’s amazing that a person can get on an airplane in a public place and smell like they just finished a six-hour workout. He smelled so bad, he made Burger King and McDonald’s smell delicious – which is definitely a tough thing to do.

So as I was waiting for the bus in the sky to get home, I realized it’s just not the most civil and humane way to do it. So now I’ve decided that Southwest needs to land in the middle of the city, basically right next to the Greyhound buses, so you have the two options.

This plane I’m on right now has been to six places – it went from Midland to Albuquerque to Phoenix to Las Vegas to Los Angeles. Some people actually got on in Albuquerque to save $3.50 over all the rest of the airlines so that they can spend six hours in the sky instead of spending just two hours flying direct from Albuquerque to LA. Time is worth more to me than saving $3.50!

It’s pretty amazing, because I once flew Southwest – well, I had to, there was nothing else to fly – Southwest is generally my last option. I flew on this flight that took me from LA to St. Louis and I was sitting down next to someone who was going to Long Island, New York. He had six stops to get there!

It is literally a bus – it flies up in the air, touches down for three and a half minutes, everyone hustles like a bunch of sheep to get on the plane. The cheery Southwest flight attendants then tell some kind of joke – and they are pretty good, they’re a lot better than the sourpusses that work for American Airlines and United.

I asked the guy with six stops going to Long Island how much his airfare was and he told me it was like $265. Do you know I fly to New York City regularly on American Airlines for $299? I told him that he’d saved $34 to spend the entire day on the airplane, and he said, “huh. I guess the commercials don’t tell the truth!”

Let me tell you guys – I’m a huge fan of saving time. If you think about it, unless you are socializing in the aisles of the airplane, flirting with everybody on there – what’s the point of being up there for nine hours just to save $34?

It’s just not worth the extra time. I’d rather spend my time in the airport, flirting with the person next to me, having some fun and exchanging phone numbers – and then getting on that plane knowing that I had a good time and I can get somewhere automatically.

You don’t really need to fly a bus in the sky. I think that Southwest should change the shape of their planes to look like buses.

One more thing about flying – on a 45-minute flight, you really don’t need to give out peanuts and water and everything else. You don’t need to feed the people for 45 minutes! It’s ridiculous – people can survive not eating for 45 minutes. It’d actually do some people good!

Perhaps instead of offering peanuts, they should offer some stretching exercises instead. People don’t need to be entertained 24/7.

How about this idea: how about a speed dating event in an airplane for 45 minutes – that would be more fun!