Stop Trying To Be A Clown
September 16, 2008 
20 Comments
Everyone is always stressing out about finding the “right” thing to say. You’re always trying to find the cleverest comment to make. So many guys are trying to be over-funny.
The obvious thing is always the best thing to say. And you have to wait for it. I’m patient. Most men are very impatient, and then go into the situation thinking, how am I going to open up this woman? How do I get her to talk to me? Blah blah blah…”
Most guys think that, while I’m just thinking this: what is she doing? I ask myself that question all the time. What is she doing? What is she looking at? What is she doing? Think about that instead of what clever line to use to open her.
If she’s looking at a book, or reading through the pages, I think, okay, is there anything about this book that I can talk to her about? That’s what I ask myself.
Then I see the handwritten name of someone in the front of the book. I think to myself, what memory does that bring up for me? – because everything brings up a memory, and life is about connecting with people’s emotions. So, what memory did it bring up for me? It brought up the memory of my grandmother writing my name in my books when I was a child.
So all of a sudden, a situation starts to arise. What is that situation? The opener. I can go and talk to her and say, “oh my god, look at that. Do you want to know what the coolest thing about that book is? You get it with someone else’s name. Do you remember when you were a kid and your grandmother wrote in the front of your books?”
She’ll start laughing and say, “oh my god, you’re so right! Why did we write our names in the books? Were we actually going to lose them or take them somewhere?” and the conversation starts from there.
You don’t have to be funny. Just look for the obvious every time. If you calm yourself down, the obvious thing will always present itself.
Today’s video is live footage from a past bootcamp. We were at a farmers market and we went over how powerful it is to be direct.
Sometimes some people are just a bit too direct.
Off to London tomorrow for another great bootcamp!!!
The moment you actually start thinking, you screwed.
Before you even get a chance to think, say something. It’ll instinctively make you say something based on observation. It makes perfect sense, David.
Actually, yesterday, me and my buddy were walking across a bridge that was over a dunk pond and this woman was taking pictures of the ducks.
So I went up to her and said, “You know, if you zoom in enough, you can catch the ducks smiling.” I know, made absolutely no sense. But you know what? She said that was the cutest thing anyone had said to her that day. And I didn’t even continue conversation. I just said thanks, have a good day and kept walking.
Like the video said, it’s all about enjoying yourself out there and learning. Everyone benefits.
David: Way to a handle the BIG DICK! He didn’t know what to do with you! He went for the shock statement, and got nothing in the reaction i’m sure he was looking for. Looks like he felt silly at that point, and each statement was sinking him further…….do you agree or bad observation>?
Jim
I agree he was all about shock value and i was not buying into it at all. Stand your ground at all times.
Great observation
David,
While your advice is great on this video as always, and certainly Mr. Big Dick was very entertaining … the funniest part of that whole video was your responses and comments to him. Everytime you commented on what he said I was cracking up!
Also … I was waiting to see Mr. Big Dick try to embrace you in Mr. Bear Hug …
i like this blog. a lot of times i try to think of funny witty things to say, and miss out the whole interaction. sometimes i’m able to say a lot of funny things, but i keep cracking jokes over and over again, and it becomes over the top.
what i realize lately is, sometimes being boring and real is better than being completely over the top.
It seems to me the real problem here is that too many guys are in a reactive state of mind when they’re about to approach a woman. They’re thinking “what’s SHE gonna think?” instead of “how can I make this fun for the BOTH of us?”
I think what it all really comes down to is mindset.
Reynold: Keeping it real is the key. Be yourself! Over the top or boring its ok, its you! I agree this is a fun place to stop in!
David: The way you handled Big Dick, that was so smooth, calm and direct. I was laughing pretty hard when he said he had a huge dick but even harder when he had nothing to say back to you when you made your comment. What i wanted to know was if the shock value is ever a good idea to use when starting a conversation with a women? Obviously not as direct as Big Dick but still quite bold.
Thanks a whole bunch man.
Love the duck smiling comment! It’s cute, clever, non-threatening and endearing all at the same time. That’s the best kind of opener!
Richard, pesonally whenever I get a shock comment, and I’ve gotten a couple too crude to repeat, it’s definitely a turn-off and I automatically write the guy off as a jerk with hostility issues… sorta like a verbal flasher. I’m sure it works on some women though depending on the type of woman you want to meet??!
Yea, I do act like a clown or too improvised all the time. kills it always.
The advice about your internal dialogue David is priceless. Better than all the negative chatter inhabiting our heads most of the time. It’s very objective.
And to think emotionally about things takes getting used to as well. Most guys, including myself, tend to deviate in the other direction.
Rey – I definitely agree with you! I sometimes go over the top with my jokes and have people rolling but there wasn’t any real interaction in that with someone you are trying to get to know. ‘Cause usually when you are just meeting someone, they are wanting your info too and if you are just entertaining them the whole time you are interacting with them, they’re going to think “is this person for real?” and they are going to want to get away from you and want to talk to someone who will connect with them.
I catch myself thinking too much and then remember, “just getting information so be cool…”
As you can see, it’s the same for women trying to meet you guys.
I love those random interactions with people on the street. Some have me wanting to hit EJECT especially if they are screaming curse words or are panhandlers in my face!!! On rare occasion I get the ones where I think – ok cool – I just connected with a homeless guy and it made my day! That was great improv, David. Ya’lls interaction had me cracking up!
Really women are just looking to connect and share in conversation with you guys too.
Up until this last weekend I was always the clown, I always knew how to make a situation funny and entertain people, but I lacked almost completely any emotional connection. When I was meeting girls I had so much of an agenda, I would hardly know what to say in a real serious conversation.
David pointed this out to me and I have taken his words to heart and not think of bullshit to say and just be natural, and genuine. I can see that I do this naturally with people I already know, or people I genuinely care about. Almost never with the mindset of I got to get this girl’s number! That is where I fell flat everytime, and always wondered why I never made any connections.
After this weekend’s Bootcamp I have a totally new perspective and such an amazing breakthrough with being the real me. Khiem, Jack, Kim and Taras, these guys and girls are awesome, anyone thinking of doing a bootcamp, do yourself a favor, just do it. You will make quantum leaps in your ability to attract and connect with almost anyone. An awesome weekend with a buncha great guys, building relationships and memories that will last is worth the price alone, but the skills David and his guys teach you priceless! Thanks D. and Ca-Kaw!
Rich is that you Ca-kaw?
I just got done with the bootcamp and up until this last weekend I was always the clown, I always knew how to make a situation funny and entertain people, but I lacked almost completely any emotional connection. When I was meeting girls I had so much of an agenda, I would hardly know what to say in a real serious conversation.
David pointed this out to me and I have taken his words to heart and not think of bullshit to say and just be natural, and genuine. I can see that I do this naturally with people I already know, or people I genuinely care about. Almost never with the mindset of I got to get this girl’s number! That is where I fell flat everytime, and always wondered why I never made any connections.
After this weekend’s Bootcamp I have a totally new perspective and such an amazing breakthrough with being the real me. Khiem, Jack, Kim and Taras, these guys and girls are awesome, anyone thinking of doing a bootcamp, do yourself a favor, JUST DO IT. You will make quantum leaps in your ability to attract and connect with almost anyone. An awesome weekend with a buncha great guys, building relationships and memories that will last is worth the price alone, but the skills David and his guys teach you priceless! Thanks D. and Ca-Kaw!
Such great advise David!
A few days ago a guy was walking back and forth and back and forth in front of where I work, while attempting to discreetly leer in the window (just for the record, leering is never discrete) and talking on his cell phone (or at least pretending to). This continued for a half an hour, by which point he had already been dubbed the creepy guy on the phone. If he would have come in right off the bat and said something about our business that caught his eye (or even just hello), I would have talked to him. It was so obvious that he thought his opener (which we’ve heard literally hundreds of times before) was clever and it was so unnatural. In all honesty, he could have said anything and by then it wouldn’t have mattered.
The chances of saying something truly unique are fairly slim (present company excluded of course), but saying the same thing with sincerity or a genuine intrest makes all the difference in the world.
Gabrielle – Thanks for pointing out that it’s not only a man’s issue. We are all the same. Some of us just have it easier than others. But sometimes, that random interaction IS what makes people’s day. Spontaneity is a pleasure that we all love.
Jamie – Congratulations on the bootcamp. I am sure that David and his friends provide great information and motivation in making yourself a better person. Just keep it up and it WILL become natural and eventually getting contacts will be just as natural.
hey david,
you know what i have to admit here, no lie, no hidden, no more drama and most of the time in my mind THINK “how am I going to open up this woman? or “How do I get her to talk to me? that really suck. i try not too but it happened over and over again. i mean it’s not consistent.
it’s really true what you’ve said
“You don’t have to be funny. Just look for the obvious every time. If you calm yourself down, the obvious thing will always present itself.
“WOW !!!!! that’s relieve.i need “Practice”
I’d like to think that no matter whether you are meeting a man or a woman, that person wants to be able to imagine themselves both have fun and be real with you.
If you just want to have fun, you have your social energizer bunny type of friends. If you JUST want to have “that” kind of fun, you have your booty calls.
If you want to be real, you have your close friends.
But if you can be real AND have fun with a person, you have yourself a romantic connection
It’s about finding the balance between having an arousing/exciting and a comfortable/rapport building type of relationship.
Jaimie
Ca Kaa Right back at ya!!!
It just goes back to stop trying to impress and just be who you are. And think before you actually speak.