Stop Making Excuses For Yourself
October 8, 2008 
73 Comments
By David Wygant
I hear comments like this from women almost every day: “David, I saw this guy today and he was so cute. He smiled at me, and I would have loved to have smiled back at him or said hello, but I was all sweaty because I’d just left the gym.” Every part of that statement following the “but” is nothing more than an excuse.
In fact, if you put a blank after the “but” in that sentence then I could fill it in with at least one hundred different excuses just like the “but I was all sweaty” one above. I’ve heard them all, but here are some of the classic ones:
My hair was up in a ponytail.
I didn’t feel sexy that day.
I was having a fat day.
I was wearing an unflattering outfit.
I wasn’t wearing any makeup.
I had coffee breath.
I was chewing and had food in my mouth.
I was on my cell phone.
The list of excuses could go on and on and on . . .
Here is a concept that you must understand, though, and it’s something I’ve been telling women for years: If a man looks at you, then he is attracted to you as you are at that very moment. He doesn’t care (and likely doesn’t know) that you are sweaty, are not wearing makeup, are wearing an old t-shirt that is twelve sizes too big for you, or about anything else.
If a man looks at you when you’re not at your best (or even when you’re at your worst), then he is attracted to you right then and just as you are at that moment. Although he may be imagining (and fantasizing about) what you will look like at your best, he doesn’t really care because all he is thinking about is how he is attracted to you right now.
Think about it. Isn’t this what you really want? Don’t you want a guy who checks you out on a Friday night in Blockbuster when you are dressed in your old sweats, have your hair pulled back in a ponytail and are not wearing any makeup?
It’s what you always claim you want. It’s what women always tell me they want.
You don’t want to have to be made up and perfectly coiffed every minute of your life. You don’t want to have to be dolled up when you’re in the comfort of your own home. You want a guy who is attracted to the real core of who you are as a person.
When you think of it that way, why would you ever make another excuse for why you don’t smile or talk to a guy who is looking at you? You should never let the fact that you are not feeling your best be an excuse for not responding to a guy who is looking at you, because the fact is that they are nothing more than excuses.
So the next time a guy looks at you and you’re not feeling like you’re at your best, you need to remember that he doesn’t know that. The only thing he’s thinking is “Man, I think she’s hot!”
Go and talk to him right now, because there may not be another opportunity with that guy. Why would you waste the opportunity to find out what this guy is all about . . . especially when you already know he is attracted to you?
Life is about taking advantage of opportunities every single day. Stop making excuses, because all the “reasons” you have for not interacting with men are just your excuses.
So the next time you see a potential Mr. Right (or Mr. Right Now) staring at you from across the room when you’re still wearing sweatpants from your trip to the gym, smile and talk to him because he couldn’t care less what you’re wearing! He’s attracted to you and, in fact, will likely be talking about you for the rest of the day telling his friends “Man, I saw this girl tonight in Whole Foods. She had on these sweatpants and she looked so cute!”
Stop judging yourself so much, and start accepting that when a man looks at you he finds you attractive exactly as you are at that moment. Stop over analyzing and start feeling beautiful because the guy checked you out.
so true! and the same applies for men.
you know, sometimes I think people should think less and act more by following their instincts. It would be so great!!. Can you imagine how happy people would be if they do that?
thxs David for another great lesson
In regards to the whole make up thing… I think it’s a bit over-rated. I mean, of course women look better with it than without it, but sooner or later us guys will see them without it on anyways.
This couldn’t be more true. Women (and men) need to be aware of the fact that if someone is looking at you and smiling, they’re attracted to you – and clearly it’s a physical thing because they know nothing about you except for the fact that, at that very moment, you look hot.
If there is ever a time you can catch yourself in the moment of someone looking at you, try to subtly look at yourself and see what you are wearing. Chances are it’s not the clothes that you are wearing that makes you attractive.
Sometimes it is what they see and you CAN’T that makes you attractive.
Get what I’m saying?
“…because he couldn’t care less what you’re wearing!”….I’ll second that David. I don’t want to be with a woman who has to be all dressed up to run grab a gal. of milk or whatever. The sweats with a tshirt and hair in a pony tail… is being relaxed, more themselves…which is very attractive IMO.
“Man, I saw this girl tonight in Whole Foods. She had on these sweatpants and she looked so cute!” —I’ve actually said this exact line before lol
Love this blog! Good to know we’re not being judged on not looking ‘perfect’ all the time… especially in LA… it can really get into a girl’s head!
Ok Mr. Wygant,
Ok mr. wygant,
I have to ask this question, I do everything to attract women, I’m a heavy set guy, but that hasn’t stopped me from talking to women, I mean BIGGIE and FAT JOE get beautiful looking women all the time (thats my motivation). I started talking to a few single moms, but slowly realized they went back to their previous husbands (questioned myself “was it me?”) I can break the ice with a random woman, and in the end no matter how many times we hang out I always end up and brother or a really good freind. Online dating was fun, and I am not ashamed to say I tried it alot of time on alot of sites, but not too many e-mails coming my way except from the single moms. I never make excuses because I know thats what is holding me back. I do have one woman in particular that I have been interested in for a really long time now, and her and I have been out ONE time, and she does call just to say hi as often as I see the solar eclipse but its something that I am hanging on to you know? I’m not trying to narrow myself down to just her because me and her might not ever be together, so I tried other things. She is my idea of the perfect woman, but I know she isn’t the only fish in the sea. What should I do?
Yeah don’t worry— a guy who has any decent experience with women can easily imagine what you look like all dressed and done up even if you’re not at that particular moment.
You hit the nail on the head David. There are lots of excuses — and they are just that — excuses. I don’t have nearly as much going for me as most guys do. I’m 100 lbs. overweight, missing some teeth, nothing great to look at, far from rich and just not that “hunk” type. Yet, I’ve never been alone. Never. I find meeting with and talking with women extremely easy. And one thing I’ve discovered that works very much in my favor (much like the tips that you’ve discussed on your blog) is to talk directly into a woman’s eyes. Look at her — let your eyes gaze into her eyes. Don’t press it. Don’t stare. There’s a difference between an amusing gaze and a hard stare. Then go through the tips that you have suggested on your blog. Comment on the situation that both of you are in. Progress from there to find out her likes and dislikes. Often I find that initial attraction will go away after a five minute conversation. I want a lady who shares the same dislikes and likes that I do — and I’m lucky enough to be married to one.
These excuses are also barriers put up for coping with other things like STDs
STDs which people don’t ask for
I never was like this in fact I was aggressive asking men out
Then 21 years ago I got herpes and never dated since
Yes, I flirt and sometimes go out to dinner with a guy but I end it before it gets to sex
Sad? Extremely!!! Yes, I miss men a lot
So, it’s not always JUST an excuse
The girl to guy ratio is 1 to 10. How am I not a victim of Geography? I understand that attitude is important, but I kind of doubt that it has power over such unfair odds. Additionally, I’m the kind of guy that attract the weirdos. But at West Point, even the weirdos think they’re too hot for me. I am FURIOUS.
For the ladies, guys would talk to you and we don’t care if you’re sweaty, we would LOVE to hug you even! Unless they are total germ freak douchebags. Can I get a witness!
I am disabled and recently 5 months ago I was rejected by a woman who in a round about way said that was the problem, wierd for a divout christain. We were talking but she ended choosing another guy over me all of a sudden and she said my disability was the problem. Since thne I have been feeling that even if I asked out a woman and get rejected that be the reason, I have been rejected before in life and can take it but latly I feel like they will look at the disability. Now to let you know I am not in a wheelchair but I use crutches to walk cause my feet are what don’t move and wear braces. I do go out to places but I still feel insucure bout it. There I someone I am inerested in at a restraunt she works at, but all I see her is at the drive thru and hasn’t seem me outside of that walking though I told her I got diffaulty walking. My friends even say it is apparant that she likes me cause she pays more attention to me to talk to me which for a fast food place lotta people arn’t happy about working. What do you all think about disability and dating?
Just like other tips you posted, it is GOOD advice again.
I wish the guys I met on the first dates read your blog.
the thing is a lot of times we are so attracted to who you are, we don’t exactly think about what you are wearing or what your make up looks like.
although dressing nice does help,
but we don’t exactly go “oh wow that girl is wearing such a nice pink shirt, and her make up is so flawless, i’m going to approach her!”
How can we get those guys to approach us? After working out, I leave the gym and even smile at a few. I see them looking at me but they don’t day a thing.
How can we get those guys to approach us? After working out, I leave the gym and even smile at a few. I see them looking at me but they don’t say a thing.
David, it sounds like you’ve never been in upstate NY. I DARE you to try it up here. There ARE a few interesting people sprinkled here and there, but most of them are already seeing someone, if not married. I can’t wait until I move out of here. I’ve heard the Northeast (or upstate NY) is home to the least attractive people in the country. Then add to that that like half of the women look and act the same. Nothing interesting going on. Well, maybe my attitude is all wrong. Forgive for trying to find someone who’ll stimulate me intellectally AND be attractive.
Yes I agree, the beautification things enhance the person definitely, but we are definitely drawn as men to the core of the female essence (whatever that may be specifically). So it shouldn’t matter what kind of condition the person is in at the moment, if the attraction really is there.
But anyways, its fun to think of the excuses that women have and compare them to ours. They both make sense to each gender, though they are never justified.
To aztec
hey man if a girl doesn’t like u because ur disabled then u don’t need her in your life. Just do your best…u need somebody who cares for you and love u the way u are.
I’m attractive to the guy at work. I told myself never to get involved with a co-worker. The problem is he is 31 and i’m 48!!! there is something there we have lunch, do drinks after work and he has come over to my house. The problem is he is very shy and gets embarsed very easy. He hints around about things but i can’t seem to get him to do things. He wants to , but i feel like i’m the man chasing the shy girl!!!! any suggestions i very interested in him. I have not meet someone like him in a long time. I am divorced for around 8yrs and really have not date very much. Do to the fact everyone seems to want something out there and this man has not asked. He doesn’t expect anything from me, and i really don’t expect anything from him. I enjoy spending time with him. and time does get away from us. any suggestions??
To Aztec;
Too many times in life, we get stuck on finding a romantic partner. We feel the need for intimacy and connectedness, but don’t know what do do, so we sit home or wander alone out in the world and wonder why nothings changing.
We have to DO SOMETHING! Not just anything, and don’t spend all of your efforts focusing on the Romantic relationships.
1) Get involved; Serve others, join a club, take a class.
2) Be interesting; Read the paper daily to discuss current events, Read books, Learn some clean jokes.
3) Start out by making lists of things to talk to people about so you’ll be confident.
Doing these things, your life will be richer, you’ll be happier, and you’ll be attractive to the people that you come in contact with.
It’s like Dave was saying about excuses; we can find them anywhere. Women are turned on by men who can turn disadvantages to their advantage!
A great book to read is Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. It can potentially be a life-saver as long as you take it seriously and really believe it.
Yea, the only time any woman is smiling looking in my direction is when I am with my friend. The women go goo goo in his presents. And it does not mater if he is with his wife and kids. It sure would be nice to be six foot tall and have the build of a man. The only one flirting with me are the guys…
As far as geography, in the last 12 years the two unmarried women that I have met were already dating someone. See, I live in a small town were only families live. I heard there are single women in the city, but that is 75 miles away.
Yes, there were a few other single women in that time but I don’t date women that are 15 years younger or 20 years older then me.
It is real easy for an attractive person to give advice on dating when women are falling over you, but some of us live in a different world. It is like a Ferrari telling a Geo Metro it can go fast.
DC
I am just hearing an excuse here.
Its all about the reality that you create for yourself.
Define your own reality and you will live it.
I have read so many of the comments and a lot of them are just excuses.
Its takes guts to make changes.
And its not easy to break old patterns.
The question I have for you.
If you knew a woman that rocked your world was waiting for you at the end of the road…would you follow a new map to get there?
Infinity
Great book…a classic and one that i have as a must read for anyone who wants to develop a powerful mindset.
Lisa
Attack him:)
Look you are putting yourself out there but he needs to step up.
Heres what you can do.
Get very close to him on the sofa the next time he comes over and put a hand on his leg.
See what he does.
That can be the encouragement he needs to lean in and give you the kiss that you desire from him!
Linda
How approachable are you?
What does your body language say about you?
J
Are you telling me that you got herpes 21 years ago and have not been on a date since?
There is medication for that.
You are not tainted goods.
Why did you put yourself in jail?
This is deeper than what you posted tell us more.
West Point
If you are furious all the time you will attract all the weirdos.
Life is all about energy.
Do you act frustrated in public?
I lived in Boulder and the ratio was 6 to 1 men
I still found great women to date.
It was and always will be attitude and i want you to look deep inside and tell me if you are really as open as you say.
I think I am approachable. I’m nice.
As far as my body language, I don’t know what messages I am sending or how to send the right ones.
I just think, if a guy wants to talk to me, that’s great. If not, I can’t get the nerve to talk to him.
Okay, I have a friend that is constantly making excuses as to why she doesn’t have a boyfriend. Come to think of it, she has never had a boyfriend. I think the last date she went on was like 4 years ago. She wants to date, but her excuse invariably is that god is trying to show her a sign. 1st sign is… the guys she may be digging “Aren’t meant to be with her because if they were they would approach her.” 2nd sign is “God is teaching her to be patient.” Lastly, she finds everything under the sun to be wrong with guys she meets. I just feel like she is just scared to experience life. What do you think? Help!!
See you are waiting for the men to approach.
You are not making yourself approachable at all.
This is why the men are not flocking to you.
It takes more than a smile.
It takes you opening up and really understanding how and what men are attracted to.
The look…the smile….the open body language.
So much to do.
David,
Great advice but rarely do i see women smiling at me or checking me out. i’m tall and ok looking (i guess) but i just never seem to have those moments you describe where some random girl is smiling at me from the other side of the coffee shop or whatever. How do you go about eliminating your excuses when there aren’t any of these stranger-smiling moments?
Sam . . .
you said “and ok looking (i guess).” Now it is my turn and I’m going to guess someone who doesn’t carry themselves confidently.
I’ve dated some guys that could be considered ‘ugly’ but were SEXY as hell because of their attitudes. Amazing personalities, great in bed. But if all I had to go on was a picture I wouldn’t have been interested, fortunately, they also had some awesome body language to let me know they thought well of themselves . . . it turns out I did too.
I’m sorry to seem bitter here, but there’s always some dating coach, trying to tell all of us poor single saps out there how to “do it”. You have good points. You do. But there is no formula, David. And yes, geography counts. I live in SOCAL, San Diego actually, but the problem is ALL of SOCAL. And San Diego seems to be the CAPITAL for single men, let’s say 38 to 50 (my age group) who don’t have to settle down and pair up because there are sooooo many women here (half of ‘em crazy, but men seem to like crazy. They seem to want bitches too) to choose from…and so many “single” groups where men can just have fun with all the desperate women vying for their attention. I’ve been single for 6 years now. Oh I’ve dated a lot, my friend. …and I want nothing more but to find the love of my life, but guess what I keep finding here in SOCAL? Shallowness, dishonesty, men who purposely lie and cheat (and yes, women do it too), men who tell you that want to have a life with you, a home, a walk down the aisle… and leave you in a heartbeat for another (happened right before Christmas to me), men who want a “fling” with you, no strings attached…yet they don’t SEE you as someone they want to have a life with. Regardless of what you may be thinking right now in hearing my unhappy frustration (actually I am hearing a lot of frustration from people in their comments above) I am attractive, great sense of humor, I’m fit, a pro singer, a filmmaker, with an extremely caring, giving, kind and honest heart. (my friends cannot believe that I have not been able to find anyone. And they are all worried! More than one has said, “If you can’t find anyone…how am I ever going to find anyone?”) When I am with a man, he wants for nothing okay? Trouble is, I think men really do want bitchy women, not ones who are caring and giving. I’ve seen it too much now. And that’s just not me…but I’m thinking of changing!
Also, a lot the men left out here who are my age (I’m 45) are screwed up BIG time. Hurt from divorce, don’t trust anyone, can’t commit to anyone, too afraid of being hurt again, afraid the next woman’s gonna take all the rest of their money…yet they don’t do the work to help themselves to learn their part in what went wrong, so as not to bring baggage into a next relationship. (I’ve done the work..been on a huge spiritual learning journey for the past five years) The sad thing? Most really just want to get with the next woman so they can have sex again. I have not found a single man in San Diego so far in six years (and if he’s here…maybe I just can’t meet him) who I was attracted to who has not been screwed up in some capacity because of a past relationship. There were times when I would go long stretches of not dating in the past six years, because I was so sad and discouraged that I couldn’t find a decent man who felt no one else compared to me. Who just wanted to “try” it with me. I’ve done the online thing, which personally I don’t like. It’s worked for some, but doesn’t seem to work for me. It’s funny too, as all the men I think I would do well with close me out or don’t give me the courtesy of a greeting back! And the ones I’d never be attracted to with nothing in common… are the ones who contact me. Go figure, eh? I’ve been in singles/activity groups, taken classes in subjects I enjoy, and met both men and women who I hoped might introduce me to someone, attended seminars for screenwriting/filmmaking, took classes at community college, joined groups on http://www.meetup.com where I did meet what seemed like a good guy until I happened to mention that I wasn’t looking to “jump into bed” with someone right away and boy did he RUN away fast! Ha! I’m confident in who I am and what I do. I can talk to anyone…I am funny, friendly, and outgoing and believe me my body language is “open”. You would love me! And get it out of your head that maybe I’m coming across as desperate to men. Furthest thing from it. If I was, I could go to any bar and “settle” for some idiot. I have no desire to settle.
So you tell me, David. Am I geography challenged? Could this be the problem? Oh you bet your watusi it’s the problem or at least part of the problem. And I’m already making plans to get outta here before I ROT here all alone. I have friends here who tell me all the time if they were back on the East Coast or back in the Mid-west, they’d be married by now. Men are just not nice here. If you’re in your 20s, SOCAL may be ok. But hit your 40s and good luck. And also keep in mind that unfortunately for us women, men can date all age groups. We can’t. Oh ladies, don’t kid yourselves. Like the 48 year old with the 31 year old above in one of the responses…these guys just want sex from us! They want to learn. They think we’re all Samantha from Sex and the City! And if that’s all you want then fine…enjoy it, have fun…before they leave you for the hot 20 something from their car pool. For those of us 40 somethings who are serious about finding that “one” person, we have a very small pool of men to choose from..very small…and it’s getting smaller and smaller every day that goes by. Let me educate you… no matter what any of you think…men are the lucky ones in the dating world. They are the choosers in the end. They’re the hunters. And all we women can do is accept or decline their attention and intentions. Lastly, let me say that when my nine year relationship ended, I had a 95% hope rate that I would very easily find the love of my life. My Ex and I were amicable, we had to run our corporate band together, so we were friends. However with all I’ve experienced out here now in this Godforsaken scary dating world…my hope rate that I will find a good man to have a life with, a home with, a partnership with…is about 3%. It was 5% last year. With what I’ve been through in the last year, it’s dropped even more. And I have many friends who feel the exact same way as me. It’s a very sad, hopeless feeling. We are here to love. Humans are not meant to be alone. We are meant to pair up….give love and be loved.
So, David. Do you have an answer for anything I have to say here? Kinda curious… You can email me off blog too if you want. Oh and what was that you said about Boulder, Co…6 men to 1 woman ratio? Hmmmm. I better call Expedia!
The simple, observable fact is that there are many more single, available men than women. Of those few women, many (most?) have decided it’s more fun to use and tease – don’t say it ain’t so, I’ve seen it up close, watched women do it to _other_ guys, i.e. it’s not just a matter of perceiving what happens to me personally.
What few available women there are, mostly all chase the same type. Ever heard of a construction worker without at least one girlfriend? Neither have I! Those of us who don’t drive a pickup truck, who have to go to the gym after work to get sweaty or play sports to get dirty, or who – worst of all dating sins!! – read books (gaaah, I can’t even believe I _said_ something so obscene! no ladies, I don’t read, I’m talking about those other disgusting little smelly bookie nerds!), have very few options.
Suffice to say, I am grateful I live somewhere that has legalized prostitution. Not that I ever have, but it’s nice to know there’s always someone available for me
Wow I just so needed this….thanks David! You rock!
I really do appreciate the males P.O.V; IT HELPS TO UNDERSTAND ! But as simple as the statement you posted, it works when your invisible. I have been told I am the perfect woman ( I make real mistakes in life, and own up to them), by all my perfect (there is no perfection, but they are sweet and honest) male friends and some woman ( don’t expect all woman to give another woman a leg up on them). But in saying that , I have an on going issue; NOT ONE! …….man that I have dated or called a boyfriend stayed long enough to be that guy that hates to take the garbage out. They ALL RUN WHEN THEY GET TO KNOW ME TO A POINT.
They always tell me I’m wonderful and the best; Then things seem to get testy. I don’t get it; I’m 36 years old (by first sight,everyone thinks I’m 24 years old and then I speak; They always seem to try to average it out to 28 tops if I don’t tell them my age). I’m truly a fun person ( a blend of the Now Hollywood ( a little) sophisticated and still funny Jenna Mc Carthy & Sandra Bullock, but black). I enjoy life and having great laughs. But instead people seem to get into their heads I’m their teacher. I’m here for their amusement and improving their quality in their life; Because they seem to do some harsh thing and make sweet promises to me like they plan be in my life for the long run. Until Something they really want seems to have better interest. They don’t even say a word to me…. their gone, and I am left bewildered. I said let’s try to be friends, with them all. No !!! is always the answer or no answer.
I have Friends and others that come to me for advise, but I always seem to get short changed when I need friends. So i have learned from a very early age to depend on myself. But when I have dated, I have tried to give the man that leading spot, to be the guy; that they say men need to be. but in that the department it always disappoints me. They want to know how I can do more for them; the ones with money and with out. i’ve tried every angle. What am I doing wrong? I’ve had many duds when it comes to men and friends, for that matter. I’m Very desperate for something to give. I just read my chinese zodiac , and the year that i was born it seems so grim; if your already down about what ever weird personal misfortune you may have been suffering from. I’m considered a loner, FAR FROM IT! (but who doesn’t want space every now and then); but only because of all the negative people I seem to attract; and i try to make lasting friendships, instead i come across women who have the nerve to ask me if the can be friends with WHOM EVER I’M DATING WHEN WE BREAK-UP! Trust me, I dump them 2 seconds after. There are just TOO MANY very trashy and super desperate women out there. I can’t watch another woman go out of her way to be trashy so she can get your man’s attention long enough to think because he looked HE REALLY MUST BE INTERESTED. YES I know men will look …. Hell I would look too, because I’m shocked to see who,why,how and what in the hell are these people thinking.
I tried dating this guy who happened to be in the Arm service (Higher rank). Looking to go further in his career, in a amazing way. He seems to live a lifestyle I live myself. I thought I found the one person who I could really relax with; Great communicator, a gentlemen beyond most men I know. Then One day he stop calling and became very distant. I called him on it and he responded. IT TOOK 8 DAYS of blissful dating connection between us. and 3 days later that was it. THAT’S A RECORD!
This set off great doubt in me. I tried to over come , because I never got proper closure with my ex. Which the @#$% will not lay our past to rest. I was afraid this guy wouldn’t fess-up like my ex; who wouldn’t contact me after he decided to profess his deep desires in having a future with me, I HAD TO FIND OUT THE TRUTH WITH HIM (men who disappear. some say they need time to get their life in order. That is what my some of male friends told me..” GIVE HIM SOME TIME”) But til this day my ex will not tell me he has found the girl he really rather be with. ( I found the F@#$ on myspace talking to her and their friends) I CAN’T TRUST ANY ONE ANY MORE AND I’M SCARED TO DATE ANY ONE EVEN MALE FRIENDS THAT I’VE KNOWN FOREVER , AND THEY ARE GOOD TO ME. I DON’T WANT TO LOSE THEM EVER.
WHAT DO I DO?
SINCERELY,
HURT
I know my last comment posted was very long. But I am interested in what others think about what I have posted. and I alone? I would love others insight.
Thank you
Hurt
Actually I do get out every week even for a movie or two. I do read quite a bit and really watching a movie is one of my favorite things to do. As much as I hate politics I can converse about it. I just need to get over the stigma and anxiety I have right now about being disabled being the problem to date. Some people tell me what the worst she will say no? BUt it not that and they don’t understand how I feel about it. It really get me fustraited soemtimes.
Lisa:
Tell him while wearing something “light”…I’ve had this pain on my back for a few days and I would love you to give me a massage”. Moan a little “oh, that feels very nice”, “your hands are so strong” “your hands feel so good” “have you done this before? you are so good at it” more moans….He then HAS TO make a move, if he doesn’t you can tell him “my turn now, I can give you a massage, take off your shirt and lay down”…if you see receptiveness tell him “I got some massage oil I have not used yet and I would like to try it on you, do you mind?” and then slowly slowly start kissing his back,neck, whisper in his ears that you are getting so hot, and basically fuck him…..If no response, he is gay:-)
My very long comment,
I used to have men tell me I was the best girl they’ve ever dated, AS THEY WERE BREAKING UP WITH ME. So, I’ve felt your frustration with what seems like a disconnect between what people are saying and what they are doing. I figured out what I was doing wrong– First giving too much too soon. Second, not meeting my own needs/listening to my heart. Third, getting attached to the outcome.
A lot of this is generalized, so look at the concept, not the specific example.
Giving too much too soon– basically doing more for someone that you just met than is necessarily appropriate for the amount of time you’ve known them. One “test” to give yourself, think of a girl you just met. Do you cancel your plans of something else to hang out with her? Do you spend more money on new outfits to look good for her than you’ve budgeted? Do you tell this stranger more about your life and joys and suffering than you do the people who already care about you? Do you spend more time figuring out what this person would like than you do on your daily or life goals? In two weeks do you think you’ve found your best friend for life? My guess is the answer to these questions is no. If the answer is yes to any of these questions with a guy you’ve not been dating very long, you may be giving too much too soon.
When I say listening to my heart, I’m not talking about the chemical bomb that hits you and makes you go all schmoopy over a guy and want to make his life enjoyable and fun and maybe spend 3 times as much on him as your best friend for holiday gifts. While a totally normal (and very enjoyable) experience, it is not, in fact, following your heart. What it is doing, is, more or less being led around by your hormones. Following your heart is figuring out what you need and want, and then making sure your own needs get met in an ethical and caring way. What you said about your friends not being there when you need them, but always being there when they need you– sounds like a) you need some new friends and b) you’ve taught them that it is okay to treat you this way.
When I say getting attached to outcome, what I mean is, a lot of people tend to build “futures” in their heads with the people they just met. Then, the get attached to those outcomes, then when they interact with the person, they aren’t really in the moment, they are interacting with a representative of the future model in their heads. The guy you went out with 8 times and you thought he was the person you could really relax with, that sounds like a major assumption to make about someone you barely know (even if you feel like you know him well), and if you started treating him that way, that is A LOT of pressure up front. It sounds like you really connected with him, and while very likely that you did, connecting well is not enough evidence to see if he is the guy who walks his talk. You don’t need to to test him to find that out if they are who they say they are. What you can do, is spend time with a person, don’t build futures in your mind with them, and they will let you know who you are by their actions. And if who a guy says he is doesn’t match with what he does, walk away.
It’s not that men like bitchy women perse, it’s that men like women with boundaries, and a woman who seems bitchy has more boundaries than a ‘nice girl’ . . . and while more, it isn’t better. Good boundaries mean not allowing yourself to be walked on, and not walking on others.
The reason I worry what I look like most of the time is because men I have been around all stop to look at that woman who happens to have revealing clothes, big breasts, nice attractive body, and why do most men do that? They can be in mid-conversation with you and there goes their eyes and head as they talk. It doesn’t matter if they are single or married. It doesn’t matter how attractive the person they are with is. And don’t try to get out of this one, because most men do. That is why we women worry about what we look like. We think that is how men judge us first. I don’t use it as an excuse not to be nice and friendly to people though. If I look horrible I still make eye contact and talk to people. I just don’t feel as good about myself. I personally think alot of men could stop that behavior and come out ahead. I can say this, if you want to keep the attention of the woman you are with, you had better not be caught looking at the others. I enjoy it when men talk with me, even if just for the conversation only and I would never not smile back at someone. There are no excuses for the bad behavior David talked about.
Never look at another person when you are talking to someone
Rude.
Lilly run from men that do that.
Immature and not worth your time.
Also stop caring about how others perceive you.
It does not matter…most people are what i term throw aways!!
They are not worth anything past the initial 5 minutes.
Thats life…most people you meet……you will never meet again or see again.
So be ok with whatever happens.
yes David I am telling you I got herpes 21yrs ago and have not had any relations since.
That medicine is for outbreaks which I have very few maybe 2 a yr.
Tainted maybe not carrier yes I am who does not wish to share it with others.
Differently don’t want some man looking at me like I’m dirt
I rather be alone and dream about him.
I think the “my very long comment” poster would really need the help of that Ph D lady in a previous blog:-)
I think a good qualified therapist will help her immensely! And this is not a dig to David at all! Since we both deal with lots of personal issues (imagine trying to deal with clients whose investment portfolios down are substantially down these days!) I think we need to know where the line is that we are not clinically trained “psycho”/shrink types and we need to refer out to let them get help in the “inside” work.
J: I find it very remarkable that you will do this for so long!! I am sure there is a better way and anyone who will look at you like dirt after being so upfront with him is probably dirt himself!!
Now going back to consult my fifth crystall ball to tell me where the bottom is in the stock market:-)
Dan
As soon as you find bottom in the market let me know!!!
You think we can go any lower?
If someone had 1 million in the market one year ago it is now worth
679,000
That hurts!!!
Thanks Dan but I rather not find out.
Well, what I would do if you need you are having problems and in need for motivation and sense of hope:
Find the article of the man who once weighed over 1000 pounds…finally getting married.
I shit you not, this is true. Read what he says about the whole thing. It’s pretty interesting.
This is not a joke. This man could and probably did make every excuse in the world why he couldn’t be happy, successful, or in love. But he persevered.
Everyone is capable of doing this in some fashion.
I was going to post this sooner and respond to others’ comments but I have been at work all day and I’m stealing internet to post this really quickly.
What do you mean by “open body language”?
Just a note for J, I think its really cool that you’re concerned about spreading it to other people, but maybe there’s a website, support group or something for people who have already the disease. It’s not like you’re the only person in America with it and you deserve a chance at happiness too if you truly desire it. That way you can find a nice man to marry and there’s no further harm done!
Lexi
I see where you’re coming from in being confident and maximising your inner attributes in order to make your exterior more appealing. For the most part, I do have confidence when out in public. I just don’t seem to have (or pick up on) those little moments where two strangers eyes meet and a flirty smile is exchanged. I am a man so possibly my detecting techniques are very poor
Maybe i just don’t see the girls checkin me out, if so, then make it more obvious damn it! 
>>>>>>>As soon as you find bottom in the market let me know!!!
I am in my fifth crystal ball now:-) All we know is that we are much closer to the bottom than we have been in a very long time!
>>>>>>>>You think we can go any lower?
Short term we can always go lower. Thank God my clients are my age and we have many years to ride this mother of all bear markets out.
Thanks for the suggestions. I have when unexpected turned and kissed him. He gets real shy and moves away!! He acts like he has a high school crush on me when where together. for awhile i did think he was gay. but believe me he’s not. After a couple of drinks he gets a little lose and he’s fine. I really think he he gets unconfortable. He said no one has gone out like i have done and given this much attention and he’s not use to this. I have changed alot since i’ve been divorced. and my attitute towards life is… that lifes to short and you need go for what you see or believe in. if i see a man i would like to get to know i just go over and talk to him. if i see what i like i go for it. believe me it’s what’s inside a person in there heart not always there looks. i have meet men that r drop dead georguos and they where real idiots. looks to me don’t matter to me as much as the peson inside. i’m gonna keep working on my friend and see if i can break the ice. it’s like a challenge for me and boy do i like challenges!!!! he knows that, maybe that’s what that what attracted me to him he said. that little attitude!!! I’m gonna try the massage suggestion thanks again Dan and David. Let’s see what happens this weekend…
Thx Laine …but I am on a website w/ pple that have this virus.
By the way, it is not disease
Nobody on that site in my area am I attracted to and I am not settling for someone just cuz they have what I do.
j, i’m probably not one to say, cause I definitely NEED to be attracted to someone (as well as mentally stimulated) to consider dating them, but, from what little i know about women “men fall in love with the woman they’re attracted to…women are attracted to the men they fall in love with…” So maybe you could meet some of them and get a feel for them. Maybe you’ll like some of them.
But if that doesn’t work, do you have something against traveling a bit farther?
Thx for ur input urbancat…Long distant relationships r hard.
They almost never work. U have to have a lot of time for that and I don’t.
I had a long distant relationship, lets not call it a relationship
I dated him.
It lasted about 6mths
to Lisa D
Try seeing men you are not attracted to. Go out with them at least three times. It takes a woman at least three times for her to warm up to a man.
Statistics I read on another blog. More men on the West Coast/Los Angeles/San Diego area, as compared to the East Coast/New York City, where supposedly, women outnumber men. If I remember correctly, it was like 120,000+ more single men than women on the West Coast. Statisticians, attribute the imbalance, on the West Coast to the Entertainment Industry/technicians/roadies, etc.
To Sam,
You said never seen a girl smile at you cross the room or check you out. Well, I thought women are shy sometimes too. I saw almost 98% of women I had eye contact smiling at me since I am a woman myself. I have traveled around the great part of the world, and I thought American women who smile to others the most. Even not Canadian women! Now, myself, have to learn to smile to everyone to fit in this culture.
You need to have eye contact with others (not too aggressive!) , or at least look at them if you expect a smile. I knew it is hard for a guy to initiate- a smile to a woman but at least let others feel that you will respond.
I heard the saying, “smile to the world and the world will smile back to you.” Most of time, it is true. If someone did not respond, it is OK, that is her or his attitude problem or bad day or just an unhappy person.
to Lisa D
Another statistic, of these single men(L.A/West Coast/, a larger number of them are in the low to middle income category. They say this is unusual for a large metropolitan area. If money fascinates you, try looking at other large cities……
Thanks, David, for responding to all the comments. It really keeps people talking. I enjoy hearing all the perspectives. It really helps us to know what the other sex may be thinking.
Wei
Thanks for your comments, and you are right a smile does go a long way. I do get people smiling at me, what i meant was just not in the flirty way? … or like i said, maybe i just can’t pick up on the ones that are checking me out as opposed to the ones that are just friendly. Thats my main problem with girl friends too, i can never seem to seperate when they are just being friendly or are actually flirting with me. So i err on the side of caution and interpret everything as mere friendliness.
Hey Sam, just a thought as I read your post above, maybe you aren’t waiting long enough and maintaining eye contact with the girls you are interested in to catch their attention. Sometimes we are busy in conversation and don’t notice right away or just not really paying attention, but keep trying and staring a bit and we’ll notice you and if we aren’t interested we’ll not look your way again. But, when a woman does keep coming back and looking and smiling at you, then she is probably interested. It just doesn’t always happen not because we wouldn’t be attracted, but we just aren’t connecting at that moment. And if there is any way to approach a woman and get a conversation going, that is your best bet to let someone get to know you a bit. Just don’t look down and thus close yourself off to others and be open by noticing what’s going on around you while keeping your head up. And smile even when you aren’t trying to get any attention. Happy people draw others to them.
Lily
You could be right there, when i like a girl i’m very conscious of not getting busted checking her out so i tend to look away when they look at me (thats bad i know). I’ll try to make more eye contact, thanks.
Sam
Women like when guys check us out.
So, look smile, wink, raise that eyebrow at women u find attractive.
Maybe even wave or say hi
No harm done that way.
Just don’t do it in a gross way.
J
Point taken, will make sure i’m not such a wuss in the future! i do give a good raised eyebrow
David ….
when will the Forums be up and runnin? I wonder what’s your excuse for that…hahaha i’m just kidding about the excuse thing..I guess at least I kinda didn’t go out of topic for posting that curiosity of mine..lol
but seriously, WHEN? I can’t wait….
PS=looking foward on your monday blog..
Hey, J –
I have had herpes for 30 years. I got it in college before they knew very much about it. It was scary and painful but after this many years, it is no longer physically painful – thank god – just annoying.
I always tell up front when things are heading in a more “personal” direction because I would NEVER do to someone else what was done to me – to give a virus (even accidentally) to someone else that lasts for a lifetime and has the potential to flare up and then pass it on to others. I have never had a man stop dating me because of it but then I refuse to date jerks in the first place. It seems that being honest and informing others of how I deal with it in a careful and informed way gives them the confidence to trust me. To this day, I have never infected anyone else (and yes, I know that for a fact). I have still never met someone else who also has it (besides the guy who gave it to me, and he didn’t know what he had until I got my diagnosis). Go figure.
Flare-ups are caused by stress and most stress is self-induced. Quit making yourself crazy and get out there – no pity party allowed! Do anything and everything to reduce the stressors in your life – the rest is about HOW you respond to them. Exercise, meditate, laugh uproareously…and flirt! Life is too short not to enjoy yourself and others. And by the way, don’t pooh-pooh the long distance relationship either. I had a long distance (150 freeway miles one-way) relationship that lasted for 7 years – it worked very well for both of us and got both of us workaholics back into dating and having fun instead of working all the time. I work very little overtime these days and enjoy life more than ever. And I am sooo NOT done with the fun! Your turn!
Hello K
Thank you for sharing. I wish I was as strong as you. I just can not imagine someday sitting across from that guy I have feelings for telling him I have a virus that he could get.
I don’t know if the sorry excuse for a human being (man) that gave this to me knew he had herpes or not. I’m assuming he knew because he had something like a rash… I said what is that… he said it was from having to much sex. I was definitely stupid and uneducated at the age 21 about safe sex and STDs.
As you, I never want to give this to anyone! You have to agree this hurts people emotionally and physically. Remember back when you 1st got it. I am positively sure you didn’t have the acceptance and confidence about being infected that you have today.
Stress, I deal with that very well. I don’t have people around me that want to add stress to my life. I have less than 5 flare ups a year if that. I think its because in the beginning I was REALLY sick for months. I have been taking L-Lysine for years. I read for some people the longer you have it the less break outs you have.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy myself. I have 2 boys (not from that guy) who mean everything to me. After I got infected I was depressed and started thinking that I didn’t want to be alone forever. I wanted a child so, when the flare up was over I got pregnant. I didn’t tell the guy I was seeing I had herpes and no he didn’t get it…the relationship ended after he knew I was pregnant. My second son is from a guy I was engaged to…yes he knew I had the virus. Telling him was awful!!! It was at the wrong time… in the heat of passion, I stared to cry and blurted it out before it was to late. After a few days of him thinking about it and us it didn’t matter to him. I never married him for other reasons. I don’t know if he has it.
Its been so long I am afraid of men. I am done with me/men relationships.
This is truly a big step for me just to write about me having this without crying. Ok, just teary eyed.
You have FUN for me
Hey Mr Mygant,
Please let me know any advice you got for me from my previous blog
I did come up to this girl’s work place when I saw her on break. I sat and ask how things, but truth be told I was so nervous I couldn’t think of anything to say. She is very witty and I think I can hang with that but that time I couldn’t think of much. Plus she was on the phone with a friend but still acknolege my presence still saying things to me. She showed me her tatoo. But I felt I was a calamity there, it was a classic case of nervousness fit for one of those romance comedies. At least she didn’t seem freaked out that I was there like I was stalking her. I guess that’s a good sign.
Aztec –
Hey man, now you can’t say that you didn’t go in there. After a while, if you just keep going in there, you’ll become less nervous and have more things to say. Try it again with her and see how much easier it gets. And I bet you’ll have more to say too.
Nice!