Todays blog is for the women of my world. I am giving you some love and advice on this 100 degree day in October.
Those Santa Ana winds keep blowing in and cooking the world of DW!
Todays video is my thoughts on VH1 The Pickup Artist show with Mystery.
Women of all ages seem to have an unstoppable need to gather and heed their friends’ advice when it comes to dating – particularly when it comes to “analyzing” how well dates go (or don’t go as the case may be). Let me tell you – this practice is NOT helping you in your dating life.
It’s time to stop listening to your friends. You get to a point in your life as a woman when you’ve got to start listening to yourself. That time is right now!
Women always talk about their “women’s intuition” and how great it is at just knowing what is really going on in any situation. If that’s the case, though, why does every woman seem compelled to go to her friends with a blow-by-blow description of their dates seeking her friends’ opinions?
Start listening to yourself. Start trusting yourself a little bit!
Your friends were not on that date with you last night. They can’t break it down.
Remember that great Sex And The City episode that spawned that really bad book “He’s Just Not That Into You” (which has now spawned a movie of the same title)? Just like the scene in that episode, a lot of women will get together to do what I call a “post-date recap.”
Now, granted, a lot of guys will do a “post-date recap” with their friends as well. They’ll talk about the moment they talked about their crazy uncle and will worry about the fact that he brought that up and whether the fact that he did ruined the date. Just like the women, his friends will break down the date and agree with him.
Friends are meant to agree with you. Think about this. If you walk around a room telling your friends that there are no good men to meet, your friends will say “absolutely” and agree with you because they’re your friends and you think alike.
When it comes to dating, you’ve got to start relying on your friends less and trusting yourself more. You’ve got to trust your own experiences. You need to trust your heart.
You need to trust your own intuition, because your friends are never going to be there on that date with you. They’re never going to see the man’s facial expressions and body language.
Not only that, but the “post-date recap” hell will drive you crazy. There is nothing you can do in terms of breaking down that date that will give you all the answers you want to know. If a guy doesn’t call you after a date, then in that situation I agree with that book that he’s just not that into you – plain and simple. It’s no different than when you don’t call a guy back – it means that you are not into him.
So you can post-date recap with your friends all you want, but you’ve got to stop listening to your friends as far as what you take away from that date. You need to start accepting things as they come, because sometimes in life things just don’t work out with men you meet . . . for whatever reason.
The thing about dating that drives everyone crazy – both men and women – is that it doesn’t work out most of the time. It’s no big deal . . . and you need to start understanding and believing that it’s no big deal.
Just the other week I went on a date with a very sexy redhead with whom I was interested in going on a second date. I sent her a very cute email the very next day after our first date, and she never emailed me back.
What did I do? I didn’t sit there torturing the people I work with trying to figure out why she didn’t reply to my email. I didn’t call my friends and go through a long play-by-play post-date recap trying to figure out if I said something wrong. I just let it be, because the situation is what it is – it doesn’t matter why she didn’t email me back..
Sometimes there just isn’t a deeper meaning to why things don’t go well on a date. Women are always looking for that deeper meaning in things, and sometimes there just isn’t one.
Sometimes you’ve just got to let it go. So stop trying to break down every date, stop listening to your friends, let it go and move on to someone else.
This is the same advice I give men – and I give it for the same reason. If you don’t let these things go, what happens is that you spend all your time thinking about someone who doesn’t want you while you miss all the opportunities that are out there to meet people who DO want you.
Todays video is my video reaction to Mysterys VH1 Pickup Artist show.
lol, that video was wygantastic!
Couldn’t agree more with the advice of listening to yourself.
The mistake I used to make in the past was doubting myself, especially when it came to a guy– if I liked him, that was easy enough, go out with him again if the opportunity presented itself. It’s if I had mixed feelings. And what I think the past version of me would have benefited from was to not go out with him again. My friends usually took mixed feelings as a sign to go out with whomever again. So, my advice to my future self, should she ever be single again– only go out with guys with whom you have unambiguously positive feelings about. Giving a second change to a guy with whom you have neutral, mixed or negative feelings about, will only bite you in the ass, and not in the way you like.
So true David… the re-cap can work different ways. If you are negative, your friends will of course agree, and then if you happen to go out again and get to know the guy and he starts to look better, your friends will hear that too and think you are a bit crazy; like you don’t know what you want. Or, conversely, if you are a total love struck fool after one date, and the guy never contacts you again, then you look even crazier. Soon you lose all dating credibility with your friends and become everyone’s fodder for a good chuckle. As the story gets repeated it develops a life of it’s own, and that can be quite embarassing for sure. I’ve learned the hard way, keep the dating talk positive and fairly neutral. Unless it’s your best girlfriend since forever, and you know she’s got your back no matter what, no one really needs to know all the details of your dating life. It’s only fair to a new (and established) relationship that you and your guy can develop trust, and for me, that would be lost if I knew he was telling all his guy friends the details. It’s human nature, people will talk; if they don’t know the facts they tend to just make some up. I have learned that keeping more to myself and less to the possee is fun; it makes the relationship special, like there is me and him; not me, him and all the rest.
Right on Deb. Going back to your friends also sets a bad precedent should the date develop into a longer term relationship. I guess once again it all comes down to confidence. If you’re confident in your own perception and decision making abilities you don’t have to go to your friends for their take. Do your best and move on with your life.
I would also add that a *true* friend isn’t one that should always agree with you. If I heard a friend say to me “there are just no good women in this town” I wouldn’t agree with him. In fact I would point out that there are tons of great women everywhere. You get what you give and everywhere you go is what you make of it.
Adam, so very true. A good friend will tell you what you NEED to hear, not always what you WANT to hear. Good advice for weeding out the drama chicks. Thx.
In my area we have a female am radio personality that has been blogging on the radio’s internet sight for a year now, telling of all her bad dates. She admits she’s barely past a bad divorce, and every blog either disses her X husband, X boyfriends, X dates, etc. I blogged her and mentioned that if she wants a date in her new city, perhaps she might keep all the negative past to herself, it was becoming so pathetic I felt embarrased for her. Three months later she is blogging as if she’s seen the light; after admitting no guy wanted to go out with her since every date was being “re-capped” not only on-air, but on blog. Made me rethink what comes out of my mouth at times. Keep it light and positive. No one truly cares, and why should they, I wouldn’t either. Now life is a lot simpler and a whole lot more positive. And when you are smiling and happy, you are the perfect billboard for a smiling, happy guy.
Ya, overthinking dates and anything in life is an issue of mine. I tend to take it too seriously and be too uptight. I just have to recognize it for what it is and just accept it. I have to practice being hte observer of hte mind and thinking and not identify with the thinking itself.
i agree with this 100%, a few girls i’ve dated end up being such a turn off, because they’re always saying their friends say they can and can’t do this and that… and it just end up being annoying beyond belief.
The worst is the couple times the date ended well, and you know that they went and over analyzed it with their friends, and suddenly you realize that they stop trusting themselves and refuse to take it further.
yeah david, i agree with you. Ever since i stumble your blogs , i’ve stop listening to all my friends. Start ” trusting myself a little bit” and used my instinct to act.
Way back till I was 15, me and my bestfriend were always complete dependents on each other’s opinions. It stopped when we turned 16. Since then, everytime before I tell her the whole story of whatever, she would always tell me first to think hard if it’s a big deal or not. If I say it is, she lets me explain why I think it should be a big deal. I go on and on, and then she would ask what are the following options i should do next. After that, we would go through every option and she lets me think of the possible advantages and disadvantages for each. Then she would just tell me that I should make the decision myself, and that she will always be around if I need someone to talk to.
In the other hand, If I say at first that it’s really not that big of a deal, she would just say Oh Okay and then she would talk about something else. Hahaha. I used to hate it when she does that, but I realized it was for my own good. She never allowed herself anymore to make decisions for my problems, and I learned to do the same. That way, we both get to actually solve our own problems by ourselves, and not just between us both, but also with others. I think that’s how friends should be to each other.
There are times when listening to your friends could be a good thing. But trusting your intuition is the best solution. ONLY YOU know what is truly best for you.
revababy made a good example. Growing up, you tend to be more dependent on people who actually care about the direction you go in your life. It’s a new concept when growing up.
These days, it’s different and realizing your “independent spirit within,” you get to appreciate your friends’ opinions while still being able to make the decision on your own.
And like Reynold, when you run into something like that, you get so annoyed because it makes you wonder, “am I dating this person, or a robot being controlled by his/her friends?”
David did also have a post about “stopping over analyzing.” Another good post.
Wygant you check it out?
One other thought about listening to your friends, sometimes it is valuable when they come to you and say “Hey, we’re worried that this guy you are involved with is not good for you because _____” and this isn’t because you have a gab fest,, but because they observe things that concern them for your well being. At that point I think it is good to take what they have to say into consideration.
David,
This a pattern that is repeated during dating, engagement, marriage and after
Can you imagine just how the advice you may give to your friend can impact their lives?
Imaging telling your friend because her husband of twenty one years is having difficulties that “go ahead and divorce him and start your new life.”
And she took your advice.
The emotional, financial and relationship consequences in this case affected the lives of more than 20 people. The reconcilable differences overnight became irreconcilable.
It’s very easy when you’re not a stakeholder and do not have to pay the price yourself.
Whether you’re dating, boyfriend-girlfriend or married, ladies stop poisoning the well-either positively or negatively.
There is a monumental difference between listening to your girlfriend and understanding how she feels and supporting her emotionally which is fine and helping her “make the call.”
Ladies, you don’t want any part of the “should I/should I not” decision; equally the “what is he thinking/not thinking” one. Because, you simply are getting half the story and do not know the other side.
And I agree with Deb, the friend is the mirror.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For sound advice. I couldn’t figure it out and according to you I never will. Thanks for making me understand that I am good enough for him, whoever he is/was. I now know that I need to just walk away and leave it at that.