Stop Judging Your Dating Life
July 20, 2007 
18 Comments
Recently, I received an email from a woman who started the email with these sentences: “I have so many first dates. How come I don’t get a second date? Why are so many men not attracted to me?” Let’s break this down.
When you’re out on a date:
• Are you complimenting the guy?
• Are you being flirtatious?
• Are you touching him at all on his arm? On his shoulder?
• Are you leaning in when he speaks?
• Are you smiling and laughing at his stupid jokes?
Basically, how much flirting are you doing and how much time are you spending thinking about how much he likes you?
In order to secure a second date, you need to realize that you may need to go on 50 first dates before you have a second date. I once knew a woman who went on 75 first dates before she had a second date.
Dating is all about learning how to relate with yourself. If you believe that you’re a great person and that you’re a fantastic catch, then you’ll start to get second dates. If you embrace your body, your face and your mind, you will get second dates. If you flirt with men so that they know you are sexually interested in them, then you will get second dates.
The only way to learn how to do this, is to go out on “throw away dates.” These are dates that are going to teach you how to flirt, how to relax, and how to feel totally comfortable around men.
To those of you that have read or listened to any of my courses, you know that I teach you how to do “hello practice.” “Hello practice” is where someone says hello to everyone they see, so that they’re more relaxed when they speak to the opposite sex.
In order to be a good dater, you have to go out and date. It may take you 10 dates . . . or it may take you 50 dates. Once you’re relaxed in the presence of a man, you will then see your second date ratio increase. So, get out of the house, put up a profile on match.com (Try Match.com Free for 3 days), and do whatever it takes. Start accepting as many dates as you can. After all . . . a date a day keeps the love doctor away.
I LOVE this blog David. Makes ALL the sense in the world. Personally, the dating scenario is not YET mine to fully embrace, but reading all 5 points would hopefully be things a woman would do unawaringly if she likes the man she is out with and wants to see him again. You are soooo right where the self confidence is concerned. Just in the past three or four years do I really know what it feels like to be able to smile and greet EVERYBODY; men and woman; young or old. I love to smile at people and say hello! You never know whos day you might brighten just by that gesture of friendliness. As far as saying hello to men, that is where it gets fun. If a woman will take the time to be aware of her surroundings, she will 9 times out of 10 catch the fact that men are looking at her and there are A LOT of hellos and smiles to be exchanged. I’ll wrap this up because I know I never fail to write TOO much, and I am sorry for that:( Just to end I would recommend Davids book “Always Talk To Strangers,” because that is a big part of fulfilling your day when you are out. Everybody have a great day and make it your mission to say hello to EVERYONE you pass today. It is not “Mission Impossible.”
It never ceases to amaze me how uptight women can get when they go out on a date (and then they wonder why they didn’t get a call asking for a second date). My girls always ask me how I meet so many men and my response is always the same – I’m friendly and I flirt – even if I’m not interested in the guy. Why? Well because I believe that men and women CAN be friends and with that thought in mind even though I’m not attracted to him we can still be friends and who knows I might be attracted to one of his friends so why not be nice? It’s not that hard really.
Case in point – last weekend – I made friends with a couple of random guys at the bar. Later that day they saw me with one of my girls (one who likes to meanmug alot and gets bothered when men interrupt our conversations – you know the type – but I still love her lol) and they came over to talk. Of course she was bothered, I entertained it for a bit and then excused us and she and I left to eat. That night they saw her before they saw me and were all like “where’s Liz” and she took offense. I had to break it down for her and explain that if she had been nice from the beginning they would have responded more favorably to her. Why is that so hard to understand?
Oh, and in case you were wondering, the randoms I had met first, weren’t that cute, but their friend who was out with them later was ;o) and he had heard all about this “cool chick Liz” from earlier….so it worked out well!
David I just wanted to tell you, fantastic! You know, it is fun and stimulating to read, write and talk about the oral sex; the sexual as a whole, but I really like this blog “extra special” today
I was reading those 5 points and thought, I am like that with everybody so does that mean I am overly doing it?? It has just become a part of life.
Since Jr. High and High school I had been so withdrawn in a shell with eyes to the floor at ALL times. Maybe that is why I never had the pleasure of dry humping. lol What guy is going to approach you if don’t even lift your eyes to look at him, much less use his “tool in his Levis” to pleasure you! Now–total opposite. Still no “rise in the Levis” have attempted to pleasure me, but it is great to be able to feel confident, in a humble way, and say hello to everyone I pass or at least a smile and a hello nod;) You never know whos day you might brighten with that small friendly gesture:)
Well, I am really working at keeping my writing to a more minimal ; just can’t seem to help myself;) Sometimes when I hit enter on the comment and it pops up i say “damn. That is sooo long.” If it gets too much block me and spare everyone!
Have a great weekend and I look forward to what tommorrow brings!
You’re blog is usually the highlight of my morning and makes the harder days a little easier to get through. Thanks!! stay sweet Joan
I was really debating whether or not to chime in on this, but Joan you have inspired me to take “pen in hand” and give my opinion. By the way … Joan, you seem like you have an amazing energy, and I hope I can be more like you one day
Lisette, I think your response is a little insensitive … there are many women who lack to the confidence to the flirting you claim is so “easy.” I’m glad that you are so self-confident, but I think I can understand why some of your friends may be a little put off when they’re out with you. I agree with everything you said about how great it is to be friendly to everyone, and I think you would be a “star pupil” under David’s recommendations, but perhaps you can consider that everyone is not as naturally outgoing or confident as you.
David, having said all this, this is a fantastic blog today … we’re all lucky to have you!
Elizabeth, I have to tell you thank you with every fiber of my being. Your comment actually brought me to tears. YES EVERYONE I am a cry baby:( lol
I have never been one to want to stand out like a sore thumb, but yet always desired to be appreciated for something–anything! Life isn’t always what we have blindly assumed and more hoped it would be, but it is so important that in everything and everyone, we seek and find the positive, because there is ALWAYS one there. You may have to dig as deep as China to find it lol, but its there. This is the attitude I strive for everyday. I fall way short of that mark of wanton happiness many days, but, hey—life goes on and tommorrow is a new beginning, ya know;)
You are a very sweet and caring person so don’t sell yourself at all short here:) I think if we ever met and talked, we probably share a whole lot of similiarities in this journey we call “life.” You are awesome and fun so look at yourself as the person you are. Wonderful, sweet and REAL!!!!!
You are beautiful like a diamond in the sun girl!
I appreciate your compliment, because that is the highest of honor a person can attain in this life—for someone to want to be like them, but I assure you I don’t stand any higher than anyone else living and breathing. (Especially at 5’4″—ok I added a 1/2 inch there–hey a half inch can make a BIG difference! KIDDING!) I was getting off subject lol
Anyway, now that i have written a small novel of appreciation, thank you. Between David, his swetness and great blog, and your comment—LOOK OUT WORLD! Joan is ready to Jet;) Have a great day You have certainly made mine as such!;)
This blog is so on David. I have been out with girls who sit, say nothing, just stare when I talk, little giggles here and there. No stimulation mentally physically, as far as any chemistry..zero and no fun, resulting in no second date. I think David has said it before. We as men like to be complimented, have our ego stroke;) If a woman is laughing, flirting…who wouldn’t try for the second date? Good stuff. Looks like we have a little emotions going on here ladies…but no problem. That is part of the womans makeup that makes the the softer of the two genders. I don’t want to embarrass you Joan because in talking with you, I know you don’t like being center stage, but you do have amazing energy and it is contageous. You have the biggest heart of anyone I have ever talked to and I am glad to call you friend:) You don’t want to stand out, but you do stand out in my mind as one incredible woman who enjoys laughing and life period. I think anyone who takes the time to know you would agree. Stay sweet and stay you;)
Joan,
Even though you don’t want to and in actuality are taking center stage, it really does help several women (or at least me) who read this and really are very shy. I am one of those women that is shy until she gets warmed up to the new someone. But once I’m warmed up, I am very open and comfortable with this new person and who I am. I have the hardest time saying “Hello” at first, especially to someone I find attractive.
There is one man that is in the apartment pool every day and he is oooh so nice to look at. I live across from the pool, so I have this habit of watching him in the pool as I walk into my apartment. Now, my biggest issue is that I’m not quite sure whether he’s dating someone or not and I really don’t want to start anything with the neighborhood women because I have to live here too. My other issue is that I actually have 3 boys (14, 12, and 4 yrs old). This is usually a problem for most men I meet. Now, that I’ve gone so far off what I started saying; I was getting at that after reading Joan’s comments, I may build the courage to walk over to the pool one evening and say something. I may have to use the rouse of buying a soda from the machine, but I might get the courage one day because of your responses and self-confidence, Joan.
Please don’t stop posting and I really hope David won’t block you, because between David’s topics and Joan’s (and every other confident woman posting to these blogs) comments, I will lose my shyness a little quicker until I finally say something.
Thanks again all for your helpful words! They are greatly appreciated!
Kelly, ok this is too weird here. I went to bed a little over an hour ago i guess. I came to the kitchen for some ice water felt compelled to stop and see if anyone else posted here:) You did and i am so glad you did! Oh David won’t block me or I will have to Tae Bo him one! lol I LOVE YOU DAVID! I really do. He is a sweetheart.
I know exactly where you are coming from about saying hello to someone, especially an attractive someone, but you know what? YOU are attractive, you just have to believe that and know that no one in this world is better or worse than you because they look good, the money they may have—
Now, this self torture treatment has got to go girl! lol Next time you see this man at the pool, say hi very nonchalantly. Maybe ask him how the water feels, or “isn’t is nice out here this time of evening?” SOMETHING If he doesn’t have a drink, oh hey wow! You just happened to bring enough money to buy two drinks out of that machine! You smart girl you! lol Ask him if he would like a soda. Just be aware of everything he is doing and jump in on that activity with ANYTHING! Just talk. Smile and just say “Hi how are you tonight?”
I know how it feels to be so shy, but I also know how good it feels to go out there with your head held high, smile and greet EVERYONE even the hottest of the HOT!. Even if it is just smiles to begin with. Just saying hi doesn’t mean you are “stealing” him from a neighbor or anyone else. You are sweet and friendly. YOU ARE sweet and friendly! Use it to your advantage. Come out of hiding, speak to this man, and you are going to walk inside of your apartment, make sure the door is shut before you do this lol You are going to make a fist and say “YES!” From that moment on your confidence will build more and more.
I can imagine it is a little awkward with the boys, but you can’t not have a social circle of friends because of that. You are a great mom who obviously puts the welfare of her children before an outsider, and I highly respect you for that! Not all women do that.
Give yourself some “me” time. Pamper yourself with a nice hot bubble bath and candles, maybe sip a glass of wine and put on some soft music after the boys retire or the night. Reflect on the fact that you are a woman who is desireable and feel good about you! I love to do that and then slip into something silky sexy. No. Nobody is here to enjoy it, but I feel sexy doing it and i wake up feeling the same way. The things you do for yourself in a positive aspect, affect the things you want to do and are going to do! I believe in you 100% Kelly! You are very humble and sweet lady. Those are very special qualities for someone to have. Unfortunately everyone does not possess them,but YOU DO! Go out there, be your sweet self, smile and say hi to that the sexy guy atthe pool! I am going to looking for your post when you say, “I DID IT!” I will be here in my house making a fist saying,”YES!”
Oh man. I don’t know. This is pretty long. Cross your fingers, toes, eyes lol no eyes—David doesn’t block me out! Just playing. I am glad I got thirsty or this conversation would maybe never happened. Have a great—morning?! Joan
Jacob mate, totally agree with you,but personally i think people in general have a hard time conversing with each other, between, blackberries,ipods,text messages,email, no one learns to socialise properly. thanks to david book i start a conversation with everyone i met, male or female, and it seems to me beside the usual polite converstion, they really have a hard time expressing themselves or even knowing what to say, because we’re taught to keep to ourselves most of the time, or where too busy with our one track minds. i’m an artist so i tend to observe my surrounding and it makes me sad to see, everyone frown or straight face, and no one conversing. i’ve met and talk to some amazing people striking up a conversation with strangers. why is everyone is shy and/or cold….
cheers,
Joe
one no more thing i pose a question/ a follow up? how many of that respond daily to davidd blog and post to one another would actually strike up a conversation if that person was next to them? (not knowing they posted on david blog) think about that.
Cheers,
Joe
Darkpoet;
That is a good question you pose. I can say I for one would talk to ANYBODY on or off this blog. I think it is all about being friendly to people…even if they come off as a sour puss! I am teased for being a “social butterfly.” My friend tells me evrywhee we go,I meet just about everyone there. I think that is exagerating a bit, but Yes I would and do talk to anyone and everyone! I find it very fun to meet different people, menand women. Mostly men since I am a woman. There is my “follow up” to that question:)
Joan
bravo, and thank you i wish there were more of you in the world, i myself am not a intrapersonal person. i’m more of the modest/lowkey kind of guy, but i do strike up conversation with people everyday and anywhere… the problem is having them talk back. LOL.. sometimes they look at you like you’re bloody F*&king crazy, and like you said some of the sour puss’s. bugger on them.
cheers,
Joe
Some will look at you like you are crazy when you speak to them and when that happens i could care less.
There loss not mine…i would rather dismiss them and walk away and know that this is one less person i need to think about.
i could care less to david, i just think it so sad.
cheers,
Joe
This blog was great to read. I’m very friendly and talktative in general, but sometimes I get super nervous if I really, really, really like the person. So it’ll be nice to have this blog in the back of my mind to remind me not to be afraid to touch him as I speak or lean in as he talks (all of the other bullets typically come naturally!).
BTW, all of the comments I’ve read on this website are fantastic! I love this stuff…
I cannot say that I have bought into Astrology 100% but I have always figured that it is better to be safe and listen to what my horoscope says.
Joan I havE to say. You are one of the most social persons in this blog! I just have one question for you. Was it hard to get out of your shyness??