Stop Giving One Word Answers
October 24, 2008 
34 Comments
So ladies, let’s suppose you are out at the market when a guy you find attractive approaches you and starts a conversation, and it goes something like this:
Guy: “Are you having a good day?”
You: “Yes.”
Guy: “What are you having for lunch?”
You: “A sandwich.”
Guy: “Do you like sandwiches?”
You: “Yes.”
This was probably about as painful to read as it would be for the poor guy trying to get this conversation going. The point I’m trying to illustrate with this hypothetical is this: You need to stop giving one word answers.
It’s funny, because I get complaints about this from guys all the time. I hear over and over again about how they will finally approach a woman who has been looking at them for the last two hours, then when they try to initiate a conversation with her she will keep just giving these one word answers.
You can’t create a conversation with someone who only responds with one word answers. It’s impossible, because you are providing no information from which someone can work off of to keep a conversation going.
If you answer a man’s question with a one word answer, then at a minimum also respond with a follow-up question. If I ask you if you are enjoying your day and you answer “yes,” then at least add on something like “How about you?” or “Are you enjoying your day?”
See how simple that is to do?
If a guy in a coffee house asks you if that is your favorite coffee house, instead of responding with just “no”as your answer, try following that up with something like “I like the one on 5th and Main a lot better because it has my favorite kind of coffee.”
By giving one word answers, you’re not giving any conversation back to a guy. You’re not giving any bits of information from which the guy can work to build a conversation with you.
Whether you give one word answers because you’re nervous around a guy or for some other reason, the fact is that if do that then he is going to walk away . . . and he will do so seeing you as the “one word answer” kind of girl. If you are a “one word answer” kind of girl, you need to start giving guys who approach you and try to start a conversation a little more information to help him communicate with you better.
I have found that a lot of women are “one word answer” women and will do this. Even if they are attracted to and interested in a guy, they will still give only the one word answers when he tries to initiate a conversation with her.
What is unbelievable is that after the guy will walk away from her, this same woman will go back to her friends perplexed about why the guy walked away and say “I don’t know what happened. I tried to talk to him but he wouldn’t talk.” The truth, of course, is that it was she who wouldn’t talk.
So the next time you catch yourself giving one word answers when you’re talking to a guy, try to add a question or a statement on to your answer. If you and I were talking, you could do it in this way:
David: “So are you the type of woman who gives one word answers?”
You: “Yes. I’d really like to stop doing that right now though.”
See that can lead to a conversation, because I’d then look at you and be able to get a real conversation going:
David: “Really? Why do you want to stop giving one word answers?”
You: “Because, David, I want to meet some great men and I’m sick of losing the opportunity to meet great men because I always only give one word answers.”
David: “Well, what type of men do you like?”
The conversation would keep building from there. You can see how by getting rid of the one word answers that a conversation was able to be developed.
So, now, it’s time for you to get rid of the use of one word answers in your conversations with men for good. Go out there and practice and pretty soon it’ll be easy for you to do it every day.
This brings a smirk to my face because this is entirely true. I usually poke fun by saying something silly like,
“Are you always this talkative?”
“Do your friends like the fact that you talk to much?”
And if I can get them to laugh then, I know they were just testing me. But like David said, some women will just do that and be oblivious. Maybe they’re nervous or their social awareness is at a minimum at that time. But I have always been curious about this issue.
Would love to hear other point of views from women.
Thank you, David! You are magic!
We can also help them with the one word answer.
Hey you like this coffee shop?
Yes!
No really? Do you like! like! or just like?
Let her answer….. If she like likes, ask her to explain! If only likes! Then what coffee shop do you LIKELIKE!
I think it can be used with anything! JUST a thought!
If it’s a guy I’m interested in, I definitely don’t give short answers, or if I do, I make sure to turn the question around as well! It’s more my experience that guys give the one-word answers, not girls. We’re definitely the chattier sex! Then again, I will keep my answers short, but still be polite, if it’s someone I don’t wish to engage in further conversation with for whatever reason that maybe in that moment.
OMG…..I do it all the time to guys that I find myself really attracted to. I get sooo nervous. Thanks for confirming that for me David. I suppose I have to find a comfort zone in order to bypass the nervousness. I am very sociable and quite articulate, but I seem to transform into “Ice Cold Kattie” when an attractive man approaches me. Needless to say, I later think of all the wonderful things I “wanted” to say to him. Thanks again!
Yes, but the problem is two sided as well.
For one thing, every one of those questions could have been rephrased better.
“Are you having a good day?” -> “What kind of day are you having?”
“What are you having for lunch?” -> “How are you enjoying your lunch?”
“Do you like sandwiches?” -> “What’s your favorite sandwich?”
When phrased this way, the girl can’t help but eventually give a better answer, even if it takes a while.
Secondly, the guy is doing what’s commonly referred to as “the question train” where he just pummels the poor girl with question after question without making any statements in between.
I think it’s even a psychological principle that a person wouldn’t want to reveal themselves to a complete stranger until they did so first.
No wonder women give one word answers. I would too
I agree with C. We women are indeed the chattier sex.
I think that to those women who are the one-word-answer types, they’re still working on their confidence when it comes to being approached. I do not think at all that women who do this would never realize it’s their fault why the guy walked away.
David, about the woman you mentioned as an example who said: “I don’t know what happened. I tried to talk to him but he wouldn’t talk.” , I think that this happens when the woman actually initiated the conversation, and the guy keeps on giving her one word answers all the time. I’ve done this and I hate it when men just won’t respond that much. Men give one word answers too, not only women. And for sure, those men who does this are also working on their confidence when it comes to being approached by the woman they like.
Either gender will do this for either two of these reasons:
1)They’re working on their confidence: or
2)They’re just not that interested at all.
Well, that’s just my opinion…
Taras: Nice post…. are you a PHD?
Hey everyone,
I just saw something on the Internet saying that David is going to be a guest on the “Mike & Juliet” show on Monday morning!! I hope this is true
I did a search on the show’s website and found two video clips of him being on that show last year:
http://www.mandjshow.com/videos/where-is-mr-right/
http://www.mandjshow.com/videos/paging-the-dating-doctor/
David, is this true? And you look REALLY cute in these clips
Thanks Jim! No, still working on my Bachelor’s.
Hahaha I totally agree with Taras too.
In general, people will normally respond with one word answers, if the one doing the questioning is asking close-ended questions.
According to a source online, here’s the definition of close-ended questions and open-ended ones:
((Closed-ended questions limit respondents’ answers to the survey. The participants are allowed to choose from either a pre-existing set of dichotomous answers, such as yes/no, true/false, or multiple choice with an option for “other” to be filled in, or ranking scale response options.
: Open-ended questions do not give respondents answers to choose from, but rather are phrased so that the respondents are encouraged to explain their answers and reactions to the question with a sentence, a paragraph, or even a page or more, depending on the survey.))
To those who have complained to David or to any of your friends why women and men respond with one word answers, read the definition of open-ended questions again.
So yeah, technically, it’s not the responder’s entire fault. If men want to start a conversation with us, then they should ask a question that would lead into a conversation. They shouldn’t wait for our first answer to be the start of the conversation.
I’m not saying that it’s unacceptable for women to start learning how to respond in phrases, but men as well should start learning how to ask open-ended questions if a continuous conversation is what they’re willing to achieve.
No, some of us are just a little dim. Now I know better and am a little more mindful of my replies. In my building’s company cafeteria, some guy asked about my choice of jello being sugar-free as the reason that I picked it. My first thought was that I hadn’t even noticed until he said it so I looked at the label again and yes, it was sugar-free. I replied that it wasn’t about the sugar – it was about the flavor. It was unusual – watermelon – and I wanted to try it. Then I started to wonder if I had taken the last sugar-free selection and maybe the guy was diabetic…see what happens when you over-think things? You lose the momentum. Then the cook handed me my entree and the moment was gone. I just have crappy timing. But I am working on it.
Ah huh, true K. We sometimes have crappy timing. Everybody sometimes have crappy timing. It happens.
Taras,
Glad to see you over here spreading the Charismatic Arts. You are absolutely correct in all that you say.
Want to school this site on I statements and the rest of the convo skills too or may I?
Hi David,
I just finished listend to your Volume#11of mastery series. In this volume you talked about the
“story telling.” Last week I told one story to one of my friend, she was excited, but in order to make her more excited I am going to tell this story to you so you can make some comments and give me good feedback on that or anyone out there. See I am trying very hard but I need learn how to be a good story teller.
Story:
“On Thursday night at 7pm my friends, group of 6 people visited me. We had a great time, we ate and went to the park by my house to play ultimate frizbee. At the park, I saw alot of people doing different activites, some people were playing basketball, some were running, and others were walking with their dog. My group and I started throwing frizbee to each other and were having a great time. But there was one man playing with his dog in the middle of the park. That dog had a big ass teeth and tall. As you know that I had a very bad experience with 2 dogs when I was in high school so I am kind of afraid from dogs, especially this one because this god kept stairing at me like I am its girlfriend or something. So when I caught that frizbee, that dog came and stood about 10 feets away from me. We started stairing at each other. I was like what the fuck is going on, Why the hell this dog kept stairing at me. I didn’t do anything wrong to this dog. so what I did was that I left the frizbee on the floor and took a step back just so that dog take that frizbee and go away. But instead, the more I took one step back the more this dog take one step up to the front towards me. The dog even ignored the frizbee and started following me. I was like HOLLYYYYYY SHITTTT! I better do something about it. My friends and the dog’s owner were monitoring the whole Fucking scene. I look directly into its eyes I was like what the fuck you are going to do and I started running like a crazy man. The dog right jumped over me and I was like no wayyyy man. All of a sudden, the dog’s owner came and took his dog with him and I was lucky enough to save my myself from this dog.”
Let me know about this story and how could I improve this better.
Thanks.
Tariq
Tariq:
you running away from dogs….not cool man.
How old are you?????
I am 23 years old. You know whenever I walk around anywhere and if the dogs see me it seems that they just wanna bit me. I just had a very bad story back in my high school Dan, and since that day I usually try to avoid dogs.
This blog entry cracked me up. I had a date with my neighbor a few months ago. I thought she was really cute, and we had exchanged pleasantries before. I asked her out to a concert and dinner.
My God… it was painful. The whole night, including two 45 minute drives to and from the concert venue, it was nothing but “Yes” and “No” answers to my questions. I tried for damn near six hours to get her to talk. I asked her “leading” questions about her work, family, dog, house, anything I could think of. She would shut down the questions with these monosyllabic answers until I felt like a Grand Inquisitor or something. I finally gave up on the drive home, and we sat for about half an hour in silence.
I dropped her at the door and walked back to my house. She looked hurt when I didn’t kiss her on the front porch. I heard from another neighbor that she really liked me and was confused when I didn’t ask her out again. At that point, I would have felt like an interrogator trying to kiss a crime suspect.
Tariq
Never run away from a dog, it will chase you like its prey. Staring into their eyes can also be a threatening gesture. Always stand your ground if a dog confronts you. Maybe the dog just wanted you to throw the frisbee for it
Sam,
Thanks for your help. By the way what do you think about my “STORY” I mean the way I explain it here. what do you think about my story overall?
your story sucks….they will think you are a pussy for being afraid of dogs:-)
Tariq,
Your story is good for comic relief but try DHV’ing your stories like what all the other ‘gurus’ say. That means having your story ‘demonstrate higher value.’ So, running away from a dog pretty much says the opposite…
and Matt,
I feel for you… I’ve had terrible past experiences like that and you could just be talking to a wall or some cow for that matter and it wouldn’t make a shred of difference.
Matt:
Hmm, if you still feel attracted to her, don’t give this one up so easily…If you know she likes you it’s just that she is extremely shy. Let her know that you were a bit let down for her not being so talkative since you are so interested to find out all about her and teasingly let her know that you will love to see her again only if she promises to do most of the talking (smile when you say that and look into her eyes and walk away saying “I am open next weekend, let me know, I gotta go now)….Leave it up to her…She will either never have the guts to follow up and then you know she is a lost cause or she will step up to the plate and try to make it up on you…..I am attracted to these shy girls all along….one proved to be a sex numpho tigress in college and the other one a total psycho so…..be careful with the psychos, lol.
LOL on the psycho comment, Dan. I actually am not interested in dating her currently, as I have started dating a very beautiful, intelligent, sexy woman in the last couple of months… mmmmhmmm.
I think it might have been my neighbor’s age and maturity level which added to her shyness. She is 26, nine years my junior. While age does not matter to me (my deceased wife was 52 when she died,) maturity level matters a great deal. I like interesting women and women who have seen more of life than just the small-ish town in which I live. I had to date a lot… I mean a lot in order to find someone who was on the same “wavelength” as me. My neighbor is a very nice person, but she just didn’t have enough life experience, I think, to be really interesting. There was a lot of sexual attraction there in the beginning, but I have always wanted an emotional/mental and spiritual connection as well in order to sleep with someone. I guess it is just the way I am wired. I don’t like to “settle” either for something less when there are so many of those lovely cougars and sabertooths out there.
The woman I am currently seeing is 38 and much more my speed.
Tariq
Your story was ok, but it needs more feel added to it. At the moment it just sounds like a dog had a go at you, and thats it. Maybe explain what happened to you in high school to give it some context. So the person you’re telling can understand why it was such a big deal for you. Also, if you’re talking to a girl (this is just my opinion) i’d drop the swearing. It depends who your audience is of course but i try not to over-do the swearing in front of someone i’m interested in. Hope this helps
Thanks Steve! I’m glad someone caught onto that! Though I should point out that it was never my intention to “school” anyone per se. Both David and Wayne have been wonderful influential mentors in my life and I find their individual bits of wisdom often times compliment the other’s. That said… if you’d like to help me bring additional value to the readers of this blog, by all means be my guest
This was a great post, i can really relate because I’m talking to a girl like this right now. When we text or talk sometimes she always is giving me one word answers even though mine are full and try to keep the conversation going. I now realize that its not me but its her who is in the wrong. Referring back to a newer post that you’ve written, I’m not going to dote on if things don’t work, I’m just gonna move on, instead of this keeping me from meeting new women.
Thanks, Jim
I hate when girls that so much! even my girlfriend will do the same thing to me, and considering we’ve been going out for 6 months, you’d have thought this “test” crap would be over with…really irritating!
Especially when you’re talking about something that happened…giving a really big description and have them say “cool.” its just like ARGHH >.<.
What I love about this is that… us girls do that when we…
a) don’t care
b) don’t wanna know you
c) you aren’t the person we wanna talk to at that point in time of our lives
! duh, fuckin idiots…
You know, I totally agree with this post.. however, it happens to us girls too.
There are so many times I try to text/message someone and all I get after typing a paragraph or asking a question is either “lol”, “yes”, “no”, or “dunno”. It’s annoying as hell when I really want to have a conversation with someone.
Also, why is it that people never go “how about you?” or “And you?” when they’re answering questions? If I ask you how your day is going, why not ask me how mine is? The issue is definitely two sided because guys do it just as much, or sometimes even more, than girls do.
Regardless, it’s absolutely annoying.
Well Steph I may only be 23 but I still think that text messages are for quick comments or questions.. Eg. Wanna do something tonight? Be there in 10. I forgot to get cream, can you pick some up on your way over? or if you do want a conversation, “are you busy?” and then call them.
It may be good for a few cheeky remarks or to get someone to open up AFTER getting to know them already but it’s not for deep conversations.
Just my view on texting.
Taras said:
Yes, but the problem is two sided as well.
For one thing, every one of those questions could have been rephrased better.
“Are you having a good day?” -> “What kind of day are you having?”
“What are you having for lunch?” -> “How are you enjoying your lunch?”
“Do you like sandwiches?” -> “What’s your favorite sandwich?”
When phrased this way, the girl can’t help but eventually give a better answer, even if it takes a while.
——————————————-
That’s not entirely true. I’ve known a few girls who, if asked “How’s your day going?”, will simply answer “Pretty good,” and not elaborate at all. This doesn’t give me any more to run with than answering “Yes” to “Are you having a good day?” It’s frustrating, and it has a tendency to make me think that a girl is trying to hide something. That she’s not being honest with me.
Thank you for this article! I’m currently going through a dilemma with this girl who is constantly givin one word answers, but yet she is very interested in me. I’m definitely going to direct her to this article cause in all honesty, ‘one word answer’ girls are very boring!
That’s true my girlfriend is the same a one worder.But what I notice is that her friend does all the talking when we are hanging out with others and my girlfriend just laughs.I understand that they are close but at lease let her talk for herself.I know her friend does not like me and stops my converation when I’m with my friends by saying can’t you talk about anything alse.She likes people to lisson to only her.So I say it the friends that make good girl just boring.Because a one worder may have a lot to say but don’t know how to say it for themselves.If they do talk make sure to listen.O here a suggestion ask them to write it in a letter if it works tell me.