Saturday in New York city doing a bootcamp and last night we had a long talk about rewards!
When I talk to any other person, I’m not trying to get anything out of it. I don’t walk up to some woman and think, man, I want to get her phone number. Or, man, I want to sleep with her.
Why would I want to sleep with her? She’s a total stranger! I hate sleeping with total strangers! Why? You don’t know if they hog the bed or not, you have no clue. They could rob you in the middle of the night – she could be a convicted felon. You’re going to invite her into your bed tonight? Absolutely not.
So stop trying to get something out of everyone. Just walk up to a person and give them you. The ultimate gift is to give yourself to other people.
Deepak Chopra says this: walk up to one person every single day and give them a random compliment from your heart.
Like the woman trying on boots I walked up to today in Harvey Nichols in London during a bootcamp – I told her, “those boots look great.” I didn’t actually see the boots on her, but she was beautiful – anything on her would have looked great!
She asked, “which ones?” I said, “those,” and she asked, “aren’t they too shiny?” And I said, “no way,” and I shared a story with her about my own shiny shoes. She was really happy, and then I helped her daughter put these mittens on her teddy bear.
I didn’t do this because I wanted to go out with her mom, I didn’t do that because I wanted a relationship – I did it because I saw her confusion when she was trying to decide which shoes to buy. I really wanted to basically tell her, “you’re hot! Any pair is going to look good on you!”
And that is true! She had a great smile. And I didn’t “try” anything. I didn’t ask her for her phone number, I didn’t creepily slip her my hotel room number – I didn’t get anything out of it.
But you have to be nice to every single person and expect nothing in return. When you expect nothing, you actually get the greatest gift: the genuine gift of themselves.
When someone gives you the gift of themselves, you’re getting that which you wanted the whole time: a true connection with someone else. It’s not something that was forced or creepy – it’s the real, true essence of someone.
So the next time you see a woman, don’t think about how bad you want her. Think about getting to know her and think about giving to her.
Don’t expect anything from anyone, ever – and you’ll get the best gift back.
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Hey David
I agree, my expectation’s ave gotten to me on a lot of occasion, now i try to approach people with out expecting anything in return and when I get a smile or I do connect with them that is the reward and I really do enjoy that reward, because next time I see them they usualy remember me and are glad to see me, I think that is the best reward.
Jeff
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David I personally feel what your saying here. I’ve noticed that the more generous, the more giving I am of myself, I get back from the universe the greatest gifts. The more generous I am with money, the more my bank account seems to grow, the more generous I am of giving myself to women, the more women give back to many on many levels. Wish more people knew this.
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Living without expectations is the bomb! The less expectation I have about encounters, the more I find I gain immeasurably more in connection and true communication with people. As part of owning my own business, I find myself in sales situations a lot. Sometimes, it is an agreed upon sales meeting or at other times it is a more informal environment and I find I have services or products to offer that would help someone. Every time I let go of any expectations of how the encounter will go, invariably the communication increases, and we find some agreeable arrangement in which both parties win. I have found the same dynamic in dating. I have had some of the most incredibly fun times with women, even when we know that neither of us is attracted to the other sexually, on dates that stemmed from the comfort of knowing the other person is simply there to be with you… nothing else.
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The ironic thing about expecting an outcome is that often times doing so drives the results further away.
Modern society is all about the quick fix; Buy cool clothes to create the right impression! Get that new car! Eat at this restaurant!
When I watch tv, I feel like I’m not so much being entertained as cultivating a serious case of A.D.D.
It’s no wonder so many guys can’t enjoy the simple pleasure of female company… they don’t allow themselves enough time!
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Taras – You’re right about time. Most guys will drive their results around time. If they can’t get a number within a certain amount of time, or if they can’t kiss her after a few minutes or get to hold her hand. We’re so driven on time-based results that we never get lost in the interaction and enjoy it for what it is.
No expectations actually does equate to positive results. And there is a HUGE difference between goals and results. You can set the goal to get a number from a woman but the result doesn’t have to be getting the number. You might actually get an email…but that email might be the gateway to getting to know her even better. You may not get anything, but what does it matter? You still probably had a great talk with someone and got to know a little bit more about yourself in the process.
Pretty small example but you should just never be driven by results. Just be driven by your desire to better yourself. And that’s the only thing you should really expect.
[end blab]
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I would agree 100%. I never like it when a man approaches me with the intention of going to bed with me and all of this is because he came over to say hi.
When I meet people, I have no expectations. My goal is simple, to have a good time. So thank you again for the great advice. I read your blog daily to see what is new.
Thanks
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David,
Thanks for a great post. I would expand this idea to the limits. And then beyond the limits.
I love the idea of living in a world that is no longer “quid pro quo.”
So nowadays I practice random acts of kindness, and it blows me away how good it makes me feel. The guy on the corner asks me for spare change, and I give him $5. I see a girl struggling to get a taxicab, so I ask if she’s headed the same direction as me and would she like a ride. I see someone on the street who looks confused, so I ask him if he’s ok and does he need help. I say hi to everyone, and lately everyone says hi to me.
And the more I do these things, expecting nothing in return, the better I feel. The feeling of expansiveness and love makes it absolutely worthwhile. The way a “stranger’s” eyes light up, or the smile on their face. There is no need for any other reward
cheers,
Erika
http://www.awakeningfromthedream.blogspot.com
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For someone who is not particularly outgoing, I always respond to strangers initiating conversation…even bums panhandling for change or cigarettes at a bus stop! Sometimes people just need to make a connection with another human being. If you can respond without expectations, maybe you too can initiate contact without expectations…unless you are a snob and there has to be a potential payoff (like getting laid) in order to stoop to even speak to someone. But you are going to miss out on an awful lot of really great people if that’s your attitude.
I work in a facility where 3/4 of the people are men but pretty much everyone says hi or at least nods as they pass you going in the opposite direction. That’s quite a change from my last assignment in a building where people would look away or down at the floor as they passed you so that they didn’t have to say anything – even in the elevators! Same company and division but an entirely different culture.
I admit that this constant social contact has made me behave differently now when I go out in public in the real world. I’m not so paranoid and it’s easier to go with the flow. And sometimes even I initiate the contact. Progress is still progress, no matter how slow. How about you?
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it’s very true…do not expect anything from anyone and you never know what will happen in return
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