Stop Complicating Things
September 21, 2008 
29 Comments
It’s funny – men love to complicate things.
You really need to think about this for a few minutes: when you get a brand new gas grill and you’re going to put it together, do you read the directions or do you just figure it out?
When you go and buy a brand new big screen TV, do you just figure out what plugs into what or do you do it by the book?
When you go and get a brand new car, do you ever crack open the owner’s manual?
Never, right?
But then why do men think that women should come with a manual?
When you first talk to a woman, it doesn’t have to be so complicated. The obvious things are the best things because it means that you are paying attention to the little things. If you think about what past girlfriends and other women have said – it’s all about the little things. All the little things make life so much better.
If you pay attention to the little things, women will feel like you’ve actually connected with them. They’ll think, wow, this guy actually paid attention! He was actually present. He wasn’t just trying to pick me up with some type of ridiculous routine.
It’s the obvious things. You need to start thinking and picking up on everything that is obvious. If you don’t, you’re just going to be looking at a barbeque gas grill manual.
Everyone who has worked with me for a weekend always notices the same thing about me and how I function. Like John, a new client. What do you notice about my behavior?
John: What do I notice about your behavior? It seems very natural, very easy to you. And everything you say is very obvious.
But once I’m not with you, it seems like I’m reaching again for the perfect thing to say, and then I’m waiting. And finally it’s like, ugh, I’ve waited too long, now do I move ahead or just let it go?
David: Right, and that’s why repetition is important. You notice that we’re doing the same things over and over again, right? I asked John if he talked to those women in Pinkberry and he said, “no, I wasn’t attracted to them.” And I said, “I’m not attracted to 90% of the people I talk to, but I’m getting to know some great people.”
Just because I don’t want to go out with someone doesn’t mean that they’re not a great person worth talking to. It doesn’t mean that I can’t learn something from them. It doesn’t mean that I can’t meet their friends down the road – it’s all about building up that power and social network.
John: And the fact that those girls at Pinkberry were looking at that furniture book – even if we hadn’t been to that furniture store I still could have just picked up on that and said something about it.
David: Yeah, it was the obvious thing. Furniture shop, redecorating your house… think about the things that come to your mind. An exercise that I tell guys to do is to take 20 common, everyday words – like coffee, groceries, furniture, fresh fruit, gas stations, whatever – write them down and create a story about each of those words.
If you think about it, you can say something about every one of those twenty words. Every word. For gas stations, you think: gas is under $4.00 a gallon now. So then the next time you’re filling up at a gas station, you can say, “holy shit, gas dropped below $4.00 a gallon!”
Everything can be created from that story. The obvious things are the things that you already know and things you can talk about.
Furthermore, if you state the obvious, you won’t break her train of thought, and if you don’t, she’s going to wonder why the fuck you’re talking about something that’s out of left field.
So do you see the difference there? The difference is huge!
Now that we have that out of the way. Lets talk about sexual tension.
This is so true! I love it when a guy will say something to me about whatever I (or we) are both doing, or looking at, or are surrounded by … it’s so comfortable to get into a conversation that way.
If I’m getting my daily latte and a guy standing in line near me comments on the 20 modifications I make to my daily drink (sugar-free, nonfat, no foam, extra shot ……) it always ends up being a fun interaction and never results in anyone struggling for something to say. Plus, the fact that he comments on that tells me that he actually was paying attention to me and noticing me – and that makes me feel great
What I never get, and have such a hard time knowing how to react to, is a guy in that same situation who will say a random line to me (David has used the famous “So who do you think cheats more, men or women?” example) – I’m so thrown by the randomness of the comment that even if the guy looks like someone I’d like to otherwise talk to, i feel totally uncomfortable and usually will just say something like “I don’t know …” and move on as quickly as possible.
Great advice David!
So true! And I completely agree with Kristen. I was out at a bar/club for a friend’s birthday last night, and this guy came up to 3 of us girls, and asked “Happy?” “Happy?” “Happy?” then ran away. Kinda funny/random. We would have talked to him if he’d just said ‘Hi, having a good time?’ And then actually stayed to hear our answers.
Lol
“It’s the obvious things. You need to start thinking and picking up on everything that is obvious. If you don’t, you’re just going to be looking at a barbeque gas grill manual.”
Thanks for my first great laugh of the day, David
Ideally you clear out enough of the inner ego chatter so that what’s coming out of your mouth arises from pure intuition. You’re no longer “thinking” of what words to say, the words just come. And you no longer worry about other people’s reactions, you just notice them and respond if intuition tells you to.
In addition to David’s coaching, I can’t recommend highly enough the following techniques (www.cnvc.org – compassionate communication and http://www.emofree.com – acupressure-based healing that can help you clear out limiting beliefs and mind chatter). Meditation is huge too.
Kristen, you described the contrast so well. Either things are flowing (if the guy’s acting from his intuition and being natural) or else it feels awkward (if the guy’s up in his head worried how you’re going to react).
I was blushing after watching the video today, cause I was really turned on by what David was describing
So, I guess I would say to all the guys, that what he’s talking about here would definitely work on me
Thank you for posting this blog David. This week I have been reading some of your blogs and watching videos and I am starting to notice things I didn’t see before. I am much more receptive when I am outside.
I had a date last Thursday and I wish the guy had seen this video. That was a guy I met online, and we had our first date. We were having a good time talking when he suddenly put his hand on top of mine and it surprised me a lot because it wasn’t in the context, we were just getting to know each other. Then he did it again, and again and suddenly it stopped making me uncomfortable. Then he started caressing my hand and again it made me feel uncomfortable at first. He had nice touch, but what I thought about this guy is that he wasn’t interested in getting to know me as a person but he wanted to have sex with me. I wasn’t looking for a hook up, I was looking for a relationship, but since I saw I wouldn’t get the later and given my lack of sexual activity in the past months, I decided to follow his plan. Yes, we had sex the 1st night, it was alright, but now I don’t want to see him again. I have learned something. It is even more confusing that he called me after 2 days and said that he wasn’t looking for a hook up but he wanted a relationship with me, he wanted to know me!! ??????? If he had followed David’s strategy it wouldn’t have had such a sad ending…
I really liked today’s video. Creating sexual tension is something that I’m currently working on and it was great to hear some of the finer points of how it can be done. Thanks for the well timed advice David!
Marisa,
Thanks for sharing your experience with such candor. I am wondering if there is any way for you to stay open to this guy? It doesn’t have to be a relationship, it could be a friendship. There is so much to learn from friendships with men.
I just heard a story about a happy couple who had sex within 5 minutes of meeting. There are no rules. And even if there were rules, what, you never made a mistake?
I prefer to live in a world where it’s ok to make mistakes and there aren’t really any rules anyway. Put yourself in the guy’s position — wouldn’t you want to receive some leeway? It feels a lot freer and a lot more forgiving.
What do you think?
Erika
Erika,
I am not interested in this man in particular because there is something weird about him. I am not having a prejudice. It feels like what he says and what he does are two different things and this confuses me too much. It’s too stressful for me. If we had a stronger connection in terms of mind and body, I would go for it, but it’s like, … why do I want to go into something that for sure it’s going to give me more problems than other? I would be friends with him, but having crossed the line once it would be very difficult!
Ah, so you just generally feel uncomfortable around him? It wasn’t just that he did the “wrong” thing …
And for you it feels awkward to go back to being friends after sex? Actually, I’m not sure if awkward is what you meant, would you be willing to share more?
It’s funny, I go back to this blog and the title is Stop Complicating Things! It is so true!!!!
I am not sure, Erika, what is it that you don’t understand… I do feel comfortable around him. He is very nice, and he is a dermatologist which makes him very appealing cause he’s smart, gentle and caring, but a part of me doesn’t trust him because he lied to me. He lied about his country of origin, he lied about his real name, and he doesn’t even want to tell me his last name. He speaks English with no accent, and that surprises me cause he’s been in the US only for 4 years, but when I asked him about that he changed topic. He says he wants to protect his professional life bec. he had women showing up to his clinic in the past, but that only makes me feel like he thinks I’m a weirdo. In my ad online I said I wanted and honest relationship, that means that honesty is very important for me, and he deceived me in this sense..
The friends after sex part, I don’t know what to say.. how would you feel about it? You have a one night stand but because there’s something missing, you ask him to be friends… It’s like charity! He’ll be fine, as a matter of fact I think he was dating other women this weekend!
Perhaps I sound like I’m an asshole, but I’m just trying to be honest with myself and with him.
When I was in high school, my English professor always told me to, “think beyond the obvious.” It was pretty much branded in my head so much that it leaked over into every aspect of my life.
Today, I never think beyond the obvious. Life is ALL about the obvious. People enjoy the obvious.
I saw this video a few days ago and thought to myself, “wow, this is exactly what guys should do…but never do because they let their little guy think for them.”
For everyone out there: If you want to make yourself into this desirable person and just an amazing guy to date, follow what David says in this video to a tee. It is fail-proof. Trust me. Save this video, bookmark it, do whatever but do not forget the words that he says here. These words are golden.
Marisa,
“Perhaps I sound like I’m an asshole.” Lol
Thanks for making me laugh. (I’m laughing with you)
I’m not sure if this will resonate at all for you, and if it doesn’t, no worries. Just sharing my experience. Writing helps me get clarity, and if it happens to resonate for someone else, that’s cool too.
I’m not really talking about this particular guy. Just sharing my own experience. What happened to me was, as long as I was focused on what was “wrong” about the other person (whether it was dishonesty, commitment-phobia, social awkwardness, etc. etc.), my relationships were full of conflict and went nowhere.
Have you ever heard of the shadow self? The idea is that whatever we feel uncomfortable about will show up in our outside world. It’s a way to compel healing of ourselves and others.
When I realized that whatever we see outside ourselves is a reflection of ourselves (“life is a mirror,” as David said in a past post), my relationships started to change, in a big way. By now it is a rare day that anyone shows up in my life who “appears” to be (important choice of words) dishonest, rude, manipulative, etc. I now really pay attention whenever I want to accuse someone else, and I immediately think “hmmm, where am I doing this thing (rudeness, dishonesty, etc.) in my life?” I found Debbie Ford’s book “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers” to be awesome for changing my views on this.
It worked for me, so I’m throwing it out there …
- Erika
The best way guys can learn to stop overcomplicating this stuff is to take 8 weeks to get out there and just live a normal outgoing social life as someone like David W. describes WITHOUT LOOKING AT ANY PICKUP SITES, PRODUCTS, ONLINE DATING SITES, ETC…. At the end of that time, you will most likely be better with women.
Erika,
Thanks for your comments.. If I was projecting my flaws in him I wasn’t aware.. I didn’t think I did, but maybe you’re right.. I’ll try to find that book! Thanx
Dave,
I agree w/ you. Stop using the internet and let the real fun begin!!!
“Just because I don’t want to go out with someone doesn’t mean that they’re not a great person worth talking to.” sheer brilliance david thats my new quote.david what do you think of women who when asked by men who are their friends or supposed to be to go for a coffe and the women respond with but i have a boyfriend.
word…. i tend to complicate things when it comes to dating. and it often make things a bit weird……
i like the girls talk between Erika and Marisa because it shines some light on the other side of the moon. interesting that it somehow ends with searching for faults with them which seems pretty common with women in my experience. I mean if it creeps you out when he touches you and you have bad feelings seeing him why go any further? On the other hand i want to reveal something to you which is one of the biggest fear a man can face today. LJBF! whenever you get together with a woman where you have a major interest in, there is one thing you just don’t want to let happen, that you have a nice talk, feeling comfortable all around and after a couple of similar dates you end up as her best friend. How do we cope with that? we show our interest in obvious manner and get in touch as quickly as possible taking the risk that she gets uncomfortable with that. Now there are certainly better and more subtle ways to initiate that and a skilled guy (like in the video above) wont screw things up, but make it a sensual experience for you. When a guy fails on that it doesn’t mean he is nothing but a player trying to get into your pants that is the point and his interest in a relationship can be serious. On the other hand: “when he suddenly put his hand on top of mine and it surprised me a lot because it wasn’t in the context, ” …. “we had sex the 1st night, it was alright,” is it only me who sees a connection between these two? alright shouldn’t be good enough for you anyway and i guess you can tell about his skill by the way he touches you first (building comfort and trust included), so taking his own nervousness and discomfort into account you could give it a second thought, but it is never your fault if you feel bad about an experience and no one can judge you if you go for the best you can get.
PS: besides that i like your way of thinkin’:
“wasn’t looking for a hook up, I was looking for a relationship, but since I saw I wouldn’t get the later and given my lack of sexual activity in the past months, I decided to follow his plan.”
Mr. Bombastic,
It was nice to read your post, thanks, I feel understood. I guess I ‘m not revealing everything in my posts here, I’m a complicated person! Although I try to simplify to make my life easier.. I was hoping that I would be able to have a relationship with this man. We had emailed back and forth for a while and he seemed someone who would be good for me. I was taking him seriously. I have been single for a while, I’m in my early 30s and as much as I like to have casual sex, I try to not have too much and focus trying to find my future husband, although I’m not positive 100% that I will find him this way, lol. So, i was expecting a “formal” date , get to know each other and see if he was the kind of guy I had imagined from his pics and emails online. When he put his hand on top of mine he screwed it all, I stopped taking him seriously. I saw he had everything planned. the bar we met was right next to his apt. I hope it doesn’t come across like he wasn’t good in bed, but we had some differences that I think are related to the different ways in which we experience life. A funny thing is that he sent me an email yesterday saying that I’m a nerd. I was like, Yeah! I am !!
.. not that I’m a nerd in bed,
ya, show me dorky
although it can’t have been that awful, since he is still trying to get your attention. odd thing is i feel he really likes you, i mean he could go on and find another ONS but he is still hitting on you. ever thought about telling him what’s wrong? on the other hand i would have chosen a bar next to YOUR apartment so that you could feel more comfortable, that’s how sensitive I am.
“I hope it doesn’t come across like he wasn’t good in bed, but we had some differences that I think are related to the different ways in which we experience life.”
that sounds very interesting, first because even with a wide range of technique, a lot of passion and stamina we still want to know what’s “good” (ok, at least i do, i’m still in my learning phase)… and second … dunno how to put it right, i think this other perspective on intimacy and its relation to us as a person. i’m always keen on getting to know you girls better, too bad that this is not the right place to discuss things like that.
PS: so you are complicated. that’s cute. i actually never met a woman that wasn’t, seems like a genetic thing or so, just don’t let it get to you.
I’ve been reading the blog for a while now because I’m “back again” thinking of dating. I’m old(er) and a widow and haven’t dated for decades. I was a teen/young adult in the 60s and things were free and open and great fun. Then I was married to a great man and dad and grandpa and he’s a hard act to follow.
But…even we mature (ahemmm) women are sexual creatures and honestly my dear hubby and I had a great love life..for decades!
It is so hard for me to not compare men I meet to him, and this does complicate things.
And I don’t know the new terms for things (does ‘hook up’ mean ‘get it on’ ie: have sex?
And really I don’t know the rules! I was married thru the 80s 90s AIDS scare and had birth control in the 60s and there weren’t many STD’s, infact ‘STD’ didn’t exist-so (blush) I have no idea how to deal with condoms-who brings them?
Another problem is that I look 20 years younger than I am and I’m getting hit on by men the age of my eldest son..nice for the ego but they freak out like I have deceived them but they assume I’m young-do I lie about my age a bit?
This honest stuff isn’t ever mentioned on Seniors blogs or sites that I’ve found so I have to come to you kids to find out whats up!
so sorry to go on and on here
call me curious
Mr. Boombastic,
Hi, I wanted to clarify based on your post (“searching for faults”) that the book I recommended is actually (paradoxically) about realizing that neither we nor anyone else has any faults. Hard to capture it’s magic power here, but when I realized that something I was annoyed with in another person was a reflection of something I was annoyed with in myself, I kid you not, both I and the other person changed. I’ve seen people I thought were “difficult” and all sorts of other labels change completely since I started this trek. Our beliefs create reality, so there’s something magical about shining the light of awareness on the shadow self. It becomes integrated and disappears into the perfection that we are.
Anyway, as for your other question about landing in the friend box, I was thinking of something today and I wonder if it would help… not sure. As I see it, the stable base for everything is connection. When you are authentically connecting with everyone around you, that is very stable. Then sexuality is kind of like a vibe (like an ice cream flavor, if you will) that colors certain connections. And I’m kind of curious to experiment with bringing that flavor in to longstanding connections that I already have. No need to get locked in a box my friend. Friendship is a beautiful thing. I’m sure our creative minds can find a way to work with it. Anyway, just thinking out loud here.
cheers,
Erika
Mr. Boombastic, I see, so you would have chosen to meet close to my apt! very interesting!! Maybe then I would have cooked for you. (I really love to treat men on the table, I find it very sexy
Let’s put the other stuff to rest…
Hey Marisa! are you flirting with me? over the internet? you ARE a nerd
but since you would cook i will give you a bonus, coincidentally i like to eat and being treated like a man. isn’t that funny how traditional man-female role play has its merits when we want to feel sexy? but as a modern man, i consider doing the dishes afterwards AND if the meal was good i’ll give you a backrub at least. as for breakfast, i like Orange Juice, scrambled eggs and croissants btw.
Dear Erika
you are right, all of our experience is a reflection of ourself since we are constantly projecting our own inner awareness into the world and things we don’t like with us we don’t like with others and vice versa. i think this is part of the rationalization process and we certainly can overcome bad experiences this way if we look at the negative (or better neglected) parts within us and get at ease with them. “I am ok, you are ok”, isn’t that what they say in transaction analysis? But there are still things we simply don’t want to get along with, because they are not in our value- and beliefsystem, which are integrated parts of our personality. so you don’t want to get blind for your dark spots but you want to keep your boundaries as well. i think that’s the hard part to not lose yourself into constantly questioning yourself, but if you manage to establish a deeper connection by realizing that we are all human beings with our flaws and with best intentions but sometimes bad strategies to get there, all the better. i guess at this level it is were the change comes in.
and for the friend box… that’s a tough one. “lets just be friends” is a clear stop signal and as a man interacting with a woman it questions your role as a man. if you start out as “friends” and make out afterwards its much easier but i think much of our odd behaviour (as man) is related to panic that we end in that notorious zone. no panic, no odd behaviour, way better chances that things go the way they should go, i agree. i think the title of this post “stop complicating things” very much belongs here, as a matter of fact overthinking and thus overreacting is a manly disease. again it is all in our head, with some experience you know that it is what you project that you get, but for newbies that is hard to grasp. on the other hand having deeper connections to more than just one woman and exploring these connections on a physical level sounds very appealing to me. i like this idea of a man and a woman giving each other a better understanding of themselves by fully experiencing their existence as a complete different creature and still being able to connect in more than just a physical way. and i like icecream.
welcome back again
no gentleman asks a lady about her age and no lady has reason to tell upfront.
if not at least he should know.
“Another problem is that I look 20 years younger than I am and I’m getting hit on by men the age of my eldest son..” isn’t that a cool thing? as for the condoms, have some with you, we guys tend to forget about them. you know how to put them on do you?
if you do compare, then compare. you will certainly find things that you like and haven’t experienced yet without having to lower the value of your past experiences and some will be rubbish, but hell ya, thats life.
just my2c. take care.
“People enjoy the obvious.”
- Infinity
….. “i like this idea of a man and a woman giving each other a better understanding of themselves by fully experiencing their existence as a complete different creature and still being able to connect in more than just a physical way. and i like icecream. ”
Yeah!… but when that happens,… isn’t that called love?
Love .. that is a big word. but ya, once you really get there i guess so. i was rather quick to use that word in my younger years and that has done me some harm, but i am still romantic enuff to believe i will find it, just didn’t realize i could look at it this way. thx for that.