Comments on: Stop Approval Seeking http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/stop-approval-seeking/506/ Sex. Relationships. Dating. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. Wed, 23 May 2012 11:16:14 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: Bob the Chef http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/stop-approval-seeking/506/#comment-40788 Bob the Chef Wed, 19 May 2010 14:04:14 +0000 http://blog.davidwygant.com/?p=506#comment-40788 One caveat of listing this under dating tips and advice is that those seeking for "techniques" are likely to try to act the part instead of actually getting to the source of the problem. That is, they will continue to seek approval. The root problem is the ego. I think most people misunderstand what is meant by the word "ego". Ego is not the self simply because ego is something we perceive in the mind and thus cannot be self. Ego is a false idea or concept of the self which we mistake for ourselves when we fail to understand the difference between reality and thought. Ever hear "the map is not the territory"? What we think of ourselves is not only not true, but it isn't who we are. You can't ever perceive yourself. What you always see are reflections which are never who you are, but distortions. It's like pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. It's imaginary. Approval seeking is the profoundest form of slavery there is. You sabotage your own independence through an illusion by making your identity contingent on the necessarily false opinions of others. Realize that "I am not the positive or negative opinion someone has of me." Some are tempted to seek disapproval to combat the neediness they've tricked themselves into believing they must have. But that is still operating in terms of approval. Simply expunge the concept of approval from the mind. It does not exist. It is a mental fallacy. Also use I messages when talking about how things seem to you. Things exist without us perceiving them, but how they appear is purely a function of how you perceive them. Someone else may perceive differently. Your perception exists completely independently and alone from another's. One caveat of listing this under dating tips and advice is that those seeking for “techniques” are likely to try to act the part instead of actually getting to the source of the problem. That is, they will continue to seek approval.

The root problem is the ego. I think most people misunderstand what is meant by the word “ego”. Ego is not the self simply because ego is something we perceive in the mind and thus cannot be self. Ego is a false idea or concept of the self which we mistake for ourselves when we fail to understand the difference between reality and thought. Ever hear “the map is not the territory”? What we think of ourselves is not only not true, but it isn’t who we are. You can’t ever perceive yourself. What you always see are reflections which are never who you are, but distortions. It’s like pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. It’s imaginary.

Approval seeking is the profoundest form of slavery there is. You sabotage your own independence through an illusion by making your identity contingent on the necessarily false opinions of others. Realize that “I am not the positive or negative opinion someone has of me.” Some are tempted to seek disapproval to combat the neediness they’ve tricked themselves into believing they must have. But that is still operating in terms of approval. Simply expunge the concept of approval from the mind. It does not exist. It is a mental fallacy.

Also use I messages when talking about how things seem to you. Things exist without us perceiving them, but how they appear is purely a function of how you perceive them. Someone else may perceive differently. Your perception exists completely independently and alone from another’s.

]]> By: Pablo http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/stop-approval-seeking/506/#comment-33951 Pablo Sun, 20 Dec 2009 08:03:08 +0000 http://blog.davidwygant.com/?p=506#comment-33951 The website was decidedly fantastic! Lots of great information and afflatus, both of which we all need! The website was decidedly fantastic! Lots of great information and afflatus, both of which we all need!

]]> By: Simo http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/stop-approval-seeking/506/#comment-22782 Simo Sat, 07 Feb 2009 09:30:58 +0000 http://blog.davidwygant.com/?p=506#comment-22782 A very good book on the topc is Byron Katie's "I need your love, is that true: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead" A very good book on the topc is Byron Katie’s “I need your love, is that true: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead”

]]> By: Beth http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/stop-approval-seeking/506/#comment-16016 Beth Mon, 30 Jun 2008 12:54:51 +0000 http://blog.davidwygant.com/?p=506#comment-16016 Right, and the other side of Sam's coin is don't make her into your go-to gal or otherwise play out your neediness. The back-rubbing, crumb-catching "friend" thing is a total skeeve-out. Right, and the other side of Sam’s coin is don’t make her into your go-to gal or otherwise play out your neediness. The back-rubbing, crumb-catching “friend” thing is a total skeeve-out.

]]> By: Sam http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/stop-approval-seeking/506/#comment-15176 Sam Sun, 01 Jun 2008 07:07:33 +0000 http://blog.davidwygant.com/?p=506#comment-15176 Lana Great point, I agree. Less pressure equals more relaxed and creative discussion/interaction. Be careful not to fall into the 'friends' category though, which many men make the mistake of doing. You don't want to be her go-to guy for problems, you want to be the fun flirty confident guy. Not her therapist. It's often a fine line. Lana

Great point, I agree. Less pressure equals more relaxed and creative discussion/interaction. Be careful not to fall into the ‘friends’ category though, which many men make the mistake of doing. You don’t want to be her go-to guy for problems, you want to be the fun flirty confident guy. Not her therapist. It’s often a fine line.

]]> By: Lana http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/stop-approval-seeking/506/#comment-15158 Lana Fri, 30 May 2008 17:06:41 +0000 http://blog.davidwygant.com/?p=506#comment-15158 If guys want to know the real secret of getting anywhere with women here it is... when you meet them only think about making them your friend. Leave sex out of it. When you do that it not only takes the pressure off but also allows you to really listen and pay attention to what she's saying. This will automatically make you interesting to her and not seem needy all at the same time. Any guy that I've met that has the ability to actually like women as people and have them as friends has always been a winner with the ladies. If guys want to know the real secret of getting anywhere with women here it is… when you meet them only think about making them your friend. Leave sex out of it.

When you do that it not only takes the pressure off but also allows you to really listen and pay attention to what she’s saying. This will automatically make you interesting to her and not seem needy all at the same time.

Any guy that I’ve met that has the ability to actually like women as people and have them as friends has always been a winner with the ladies.

]]> By: Coby http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/stop-approval-seeking/506/#comment-15129 Coby Thu, 29 May 2008 15:09:09 +0000 http://blog.davidwygant.com/?p=506#comment-15129 Everyone on this earth is needy. Why do you think we as humans began to talk? Because we wanted something! And I'm with Christine! Cats can be big needy buckets of love, too. Mine and I have Mom Time when I get home from work. :D I think Khiem's exercise is a fantastic way to cut back on the needy, since self-validation is the first and maybe biggest step to cutting back on the needing from others. Everyone on this earth is needy. Why do you think we as humans began to talk? Because we wanted something!
And I’m with Christine! Cats can be big needy buckets of love, too. Mine and I have Mom Time when I get home from work. :D
I think Khiem’s exercise is a fantastic way to cut back on the needy, since self-validation is the first and maybe biggest step to cutting back on the needing from others.

]]> By: Christine http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/stop-approval-seeking/506/#comment-15128 Christine Thu, 29 May 2008 13:32:22 +0000 http://blog.davidwygant.com/?p=506#comment-15128 Oh, don't go hating on cats. They are just as needy a little creature as a dog. If you don't pay attention to your dog and it pisses in the corner and you don't pay attention to your cat and it pissess in the corner; same thing. They would both, as a species have to be called obnoxious. As humans, the whole tribal society thing kind of makes us all needy to some degree. Entirely different story how far it goes and how it is executed. People I know who are serial-monogamists and who constantly try to plug that hole up with a relationship generally tend to be the people I have to force myself to walk away from in life. But hey, aren't we all just needy to some degree, in the end. Oh, don’t go hating on cats. They are just as needy a little creature as a dog. If you don’t pay attention to your dog and it pisses in the corner and you don’t pay attention to your cat and it pissess in the corner; same thing.
They would both, as a species have to be called obnoxious.

As humans, the whole tribal society thing kind of makes us all needy to some degree. Entirely different story how far it goes and how it is executed.

People I know who are serial-monogamists and who constantly try to plug that hole up with a relationship generally tend to be the people I have to force myself to walk away from in life. But hey, aren’t we all just needy to some degree, in the end.

]]> By: Joan http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/stop-approval-seeking/506/#comment-15117 Joan Thu, 29 May 2008 08:08:58 +0000 http://blog.davidwygant.com/?p=506#comment-15117 hmmmm at 3:00 in the morning and the study session from he#$, this is very thought provoking, with what brains i have left. (i had just spelled brains...barains..which might be a bad sign... :P short thought here..only because i am a one handed typist 4 now... :) i think we all have that need inside of us to feel appreciated and wanted by another...but if life is all about that and centrally focused upon....i think life would probably suck. i have things about me i don't like? but i love me anyway. love is a many splendered thing... ;) hmmmm at 3:00 in the morning and the study session from he#$, this is very thought provoking, with what brains i have left. (i had just spelled brains…barains..which might be a bad sign… :P

short thought here..only because i am a one handed typist 4 now… :)

i think we all have that need inside of us to feel appreciated and wanted by another…but if life is all about that and centrally focused upon….i think life would probably suck. i have things about me i don’t like? but i love me anyway. love is a many splendered thing… ;)

]]> By: Neil http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/stop-approval-seeking/506/#comment-15116 Neil Thu, 29 May 2008 07:47:35 +0000 http://blog.davidwygant.com/?p=506#comment-15116 David- I enjoy reading your blog. It's not like all the other blog out there with bunch guys with weird names and immature guys who really don't understand what it takes to attract women. Your natural way of teaching men is spreading all over the world. I guess people finally ready to learn what they should have done the first place. -N David- I enjoy reading your blog. It’s not like all the other blog out there with bunch guys with weird names and immature guys who really don’t understand what it takes to attract women.

Your natural way of teaching men is spreading all over the world. I guess people finally ready to learn what they should have done the first place.

-N

]]>