Stay In Your Own Reality
October 18, 2009 
6 Comments
A client of mine recently asked me a great question. He asked me, “How do you stay in your own reality? How can you keep your own frame of reference and not get sucked into the reality of the person we want to meet?”
After asking my client to elaborate more on what he meant, I understood that what he was asking was how to keep control of situations instead of letting situations control you. He wanted to know how to not let intimidation get in your way when you want to meet someone.
I told my client that it all starts with the way you approach. You have all heard me talk over and over again about the power of observation. So the first and most important thing to do is always to observe what a woman is doing so that you can frame the conversation based on your own enthusiasm.
Let’s say that you go to a book store and you see an absolutely stunning, beautiful woman browsing in the travel section of the store. Let’s also say that you are very interested in travel and have traveled extensively, so approaching that woman should be quite easy and comfortable.
If you don’t stay in your own reality, though, you can risk not controlling the situation and letting the situation control you. Because the woman is so beautiful, you may want to open her as quickly as possible. You may not take the extra five or six seconds to realize she is standing in the travel section.
A lot of men in this situation panic, and all they focus on is the thought “I’ve got to approach, I’ve got to approach, I’ve got to approach…” While I would agree that you should approach, you should not do so until you are armed with the necessary information to do so. Taking those extra five or ten seconds to really observe what is around you is arming yourself with that necessary information.
Men will often be totally focused on what they can think of to say and will often miss something easy, comfortable and obvious they could say based on what is going on around them. So you need to take those extra five or ten seconds and observe before you approach. It will be well worth it when you see how much more successful (not to mention easy and comfortable) your approaches will be.
Think about what is in her mind at that moment. Is the woman in our hypothetical looking at a particular book? In what section of the book store is she browsing? If she is in the travel section, maybe she is looking for a book about the place to which she is about to travel (or a place to which she would like to travel).
What you’re doing is playing the odds. You are playing the odds based on what she’s already thinking, though, which means that you’ll be in control of the conversation.
This is precisely what most guys do not do when they approach. Most guys go in too quickly.
The reason why these “too quick” approaches don’t usually end up so well, is that you are not starting a conversation based on what the woman is already thinking. You are not getting inside her head.
Don’t go into the approach too quickly simply because you want to get it over with. Don’t rush the approach.
The more you train your mind to be observant by taking those extra ten seconds, the quicker your mind will begin to do that on its own. Don’t worry about getting faster, though, and just work on the observation skill and on not rushing your approaches.
As with everything else I teach you, whatever happens in any approach you should never beat yourself up. Remember that you learn from each experience, and there will always be another opportunity. Working on this observation skill, however, will help to make more and more of your approaches successful.
Great advice!
Yea good point but as you said it contradics that ’3 second rule’ you talked about. After reading this, the best thing to do is try every day to do it out of reflex and only then can you use that 3 second rule.From my little experience in doing this stuff I found out that 1,5 out of 3 women actually respond in a friendly way.I also found out that women actually liked me but the ‘terible’ fact of aproaching them so spontaniosly scared them.
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.I know you’re not about pickup and stuff but you actually said that in a video
Mike
any advice using the power of observation on the streets? cos is totally going to be SO random when you make a statement/prop on her while shes walking. She might freak out! for the streets i prefer direct complimenting the way she walks, the fashion style… etc. Or you can even ask for direction. But just using observation i don’t think it will work in the streets
“Let’s also say that you are very interested in travel and have traveled extensively…”
But what if you haven’t? What if you’re not a well traveled, dashing man of the world type?
I know a guy who’s traveled to about 30 different countries. Me? Just here in the US & Canada. That’s it!
Check out this trailer to what looks to be a funny flick.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gtsHQra87U
The nervous guy approaching the hot woman’s door with flowers acts like he’s walking “The Green Mile.”
But I’ve been that guy, also seen at the .18 mark where he gets blown off by an Italian woman who I think is telling him to get lost or something to that effect. It looks pretty funny & there are some hot women in this too.
Who I would like to be is “Philippe.”
David,
Your so right about not beating yourself up if it doesn’t go perfect. Although it does feel kind of awkward at first, and it makes you feel even more inside your own head, you eventually find your way with it, and it becomes very easy and seems very natural.
Of all the dating expert advice we all get so much, this is the most effective approach by far, just simply observing. You know this in the way they react to your observant comment or question.