Hey Everyone,
It’s Q&A day on the blog today and we have two more great subscriber questions that I’m going to answer here. Remember, if you are on my subscriber list and want to submit a question for me to answer in future blogs, simply respond to any one of the newsletter emails with your question.
If you’re not on my newsletter subscriber list and would like to be, all you need to do is go to the blue box at the upper right hand corner of each page of this website and submit your name and email. It’s that simple! Then as soon as you receive your first newsletter via email, you can submit your question!
So, without further ado, here are today’s questions!
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**Reader Question 1**
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David,
I have a rather unique question that I think you would have a helpful response about. There is an obvious attraction between my former/future professor and I. It was a big uncomfortable step, but I actually worked up the balls to ask her out a few months ago, and we ended up going out twice more afterwards.
While there is an attraction between us, I find myself always holding back because of the age difference (I’m 23, she’s 30) and the superiority she has in school. It’s very difficult for me to do a complete role reversal when I see her outside of school and be the one in charge and leading, even though I am CERTAIN that is what she wants. Can you suggest any possible ways I can get over the age and superiority issues and just be as I would around any other women?
Your advice is much appreciated. Thank You, R.
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**My Answer To Reader 1’s Question**
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Thanks for your question R!
Listen, you’ve got this age difference between the two of you. How you feel about the age difference is all in your head. If she’s attracted to you and you are attracted to each other, then what does the whole superiority thing matter? If she’s okay with the age thing, then it really doesn’t make a difference. The thing is, though, that you are giving her all the power. You’re giving her the superiority. If this woman is interested in you then she’s interested in you.
So go take her out and have fun like you would with any other woman. Don’t bring up the age difference. Don’t bring up the superiority issue. Don’t bring up the fact that she was your professor.
Just take her out and have fun like you would on any other date, and let her get to know you in that situation. She can make up her own mind. If you go out with her feeling like she’s superior or some supreme being from another planet, then of course it’s going to be uncomfortable and won’t work.
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**Reader Question 2**
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Hi David,
Over the weekend I attended a wedding to my aunt in which I was the best lady. I suddenly developed feelings for the best man on a Saturday morning at the church service. David, you know I love him so much that I would spend sleepless nights thinkming about him. But he doesn’t know I love him. All I know is that he’s been avoiding me, we had never remained together in the same place, he would leave if the person we are with leaves.
One thing I know is that I can’t tell him I love him. I have just recieved an sms from him telling me that he was still tired thou he had an honourable weekend. He told me I looked so beautiful.
My question to you is, “How do I make him tell me that he loves me?”
Isabella
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**My Answer To Reader 2’s Question**
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Isabella,
How do you make someone tell you that he loves you? You’ve got to be kidding me. This is one of the most unhealthy emails I’ve ever received. I’m sorry that I have to say that, but anyone who has this type of mindset needs deeper help. I’m not talking about just from a dating coach, but perhaps in terms of some kind of therapy.
You don’t make someone love you. You don’t look for ways to make someone tell you that they love you. First, a guy needs to ask you out on a date. Second, you need to have chemistry and get to know each other. To try to get someone to make a guy love you is just wrong. It’s wrong from every angle.
This is like some fantasy in your head. Where is your reality? You don’t even know this person, but yet you say you love him so much? You don’t know what he is all about. He was avoiding you. You’ve never remained together in the same place. So how do you love this person? It’s a fantasy in your mind.
Isabella, you’ve got to start living in reality here. What do you want out of life? Do you want to have real connections with men, or are you just living what I call the ultimate fantasy? You barely meet someone and you have this beautiful and perfect picture of him in your mind that doesn’t really exist.
Isabella, go out and meet men, have some fun, and let a man fall in love with you for who you are. Don’t ever try to make a man tell you that he loves you. This totally reminds me of Glenn Close the bunny boiler in Fatal Attraction.
Isabella,
How long have you known this guy who was the best man? Did you just meet him over the weekend? That’s the impression I got from what you said. If he began avoiding you because he sensed that you were really clingy & needy after just meeting him, I can see why. You don’t know the guy; he might be the most handsome guy you’ve ever seen, but I agree with everything David said. You’ve become obsessed and turned him into some Harlequin Romance book fantasy man without really knowing him at all.
I’ve made similar mistakes with women though, I’ll admit. And when I did, I got hurt. It’s a very unhealthy thing like David said. So get a grip and find a guy you can actually get to know, and give it time to develop into something real, not a fantasy.
Blog number two…I agree can not make them love you, stay with you, there are a lot of guys that I think about but are they with me now.
Props to the guy in the first e-mail! Hope that works out well.
For Reader #1 – R – Please see the blog three days ago called “Two Magical Words.” Despite all of the talk about power and position and age, it still comes back to two people being attracted to each other and the only thing that can make it a success is if you will “Be Yourself.” Let her be herself as well and turn off the monkey chatter!
For Reader #2 – Please see yesterdays’ blog called “How Needy Are You Really?” and read all of the reader comments. Making others run away from you or at least politely decline your company by simply leaving says a lot about what kind of energy that you are giving off. That’s what happens when you set off someone’s “perimeter alarm.” It’s a survival instinct that puts us at a heightened state of alert. For you to set it off in a man in this day and age means that you are probably scary-needy. Get some help and don’t expect any progress or reward for your efforts until you’ve actually put in some hard work and can really come to understand what your behavior and feelings are all about. You’re not waving a red flag but a red cape in front of a bull that is your neediness.
I found this website a few weeks ago and I really like it!
This is my first post, and I hope to add the discussions here.
Thanks.
Is Isabella Sandra’s daughter?
12, 11, 10…
Isabella, David is right. You cannot force someone to love you. It really starts with you…are you happy with the way things are for yourself? Sometimes when we desperately want to be loved by someone in a fantastical way, it is a way to cover up something that is missing in us. Before focusing on obtaining love from what in your mind might be prince charming, look at loving yourself and all you have to offer. As soon as you love and focus and yourself, love from others comes easy….
There’s this girl at college that I kind of like. She smiles at me and looks me in the eye when she sees me and I recently talked to her and asked her for her number. We talked on the phone twice and I have texted her. We were supposed to hang out but she was busy working late. I might run into her tomorrow night, so how should I approach her? Should I ask her to hang out, or should I just see what happens?
Also, I am getting better on the phone, but I don’t know what to text about…
Thanks!
Have a great weekend everyone.
DTO,
Are you really itching for a fight? Please don’t go pushing Sandra’s buttons. You’re playing with fire and nothing good ever comes from this.
Isabella, are you living a fantasy or why do you love him so much?
Re: Question 1.
I can definitely relate to your position. Women, it seems, tend to have more issues with dating younger guys than vice-versa. I’ve quickly developed a close bond with someone who is a fair bit older than I am. We are friends at the moment, but I know that there is something more going on beneath the surface. I’ve not told her how I really feel, partly due to the age difference (10 years) and how she seems to want to reinforce this disparity by telling me how young I am. I think she has issues when it comes to men in general; we’ve talked relationships a few times and I’ve been pretty open, but she dances round questions saying things like she likes to be on her own and is happy as she is. But I know she is not. I tell her that she is a beautiful person and should be her natural, vivacious self more often; I’m not shy when it comes to being honest, however, I’m not sure that she’d be ready for the kind of honesty I want to show her – I really think I might sabotage a budding friendship as well as something more. Maybe there is also a bit of fear about being rejected on my part – yet I sense it would not be because she’s not interested in me, but because she is too scared of being loved or getting hurt. I guess there are also expectations and the opinions of others (friends, family etc) that may be weighing her down to.
I won’t pester her or be needy about it. I am in a good place in my own life and becoming a more confident person with each passing day. Still, it is on my mind constantly. I’ve never really forged such an immediate and deeply emotional attachment with someone before. Not sure of my next step.
Btw, thanks David for providing such stimulating and engaging topics of conversation in your blogs.
Peace to all,
DTO
No Isabella is not my daughter…But the truth hurts when a person has to face their own realities doesn’t it?
Reader 1-
I got to tell you some college professors are yummmy and the older the better, more experienced and she will def. teach you a lot more than study:)
*sigh* I’ve been dating my bf for almost seven months and he still hasn’t popped the “L” word. He says there’s no way someone can love someone in less than a year. I was falling in love with him but when he said that it came to a hault. Now, I have to wait a year to see if he loves me before I can allow myself to start falling again. So weird.
Qheen of Relationship,
I think your b/f is a bit insecure if he can’t say the “L” word before a year.
You usually know if you love someone deeply. It’s a connection thing and a connection can be felt before a year. However, a deeper kinda love only grows with time.
Speaking from the professor’s point of view, there’s a lot of issues with dating students. My persistent problem has been do I continue to date someone who is majoring in my field of study even though he’s not currently in my classes…
You have a whole other can of worms on this side of the lectern. As far as the younger man older woman issue. You are over-thinking it unless she makes mention of it often. I haven’t found any real connections with older men or really those my age. My dates pretty much are all in their thirties, and I’m 44. There isn’t a lot of difference between us, but depending on the people there can be a huge gap in life experiences between early 20s and early 30s. I think you just need to take a deep breath and appreciate the experience for what it is, and let things develop or not naturally.
Isabella, I wonder how old you are…Sorry hon, but you sound very young. How is it possible for you to love someone you’ve only appreciated from afar? I’ll truly date myself and say, I felt like that about Shaun Cassidy once….
In 1974 I met the wife of a high ranking militry officer. I was also married. Through 1993 we frequently had clandistine sexual relations. Then I had to nmove to another city, 1100 miles away. Since then we have kept in infrequent contact by phone and mail. Since then my wife died 3 yrs ago and her husband died about 1 yr ago. Two months ago we met for a week-end and slept together. We are still seperated by 1100 miles, altough we talk by phone daily. So what is the problem, you ask? Never during this entire time has she said the owrds, “Ilove you.” She is rich, with children and grand-children. Thay all live near her in her city. (I have never met any of her family.) I am poor, and have no, repeat, NO family. No family!! My concern is that she may be fond of me but not enough to introduce me to her family, or mayby she feels tht I would not be acceptable to her rich, military friends. I sent her a $60 e-bouque of tulips for Easter, and she said how thoughtful I was and how beautiful/how much she liked them. I am sure she is still morning here husband, for she tells me “It is too soon to consideer anything serious, or long-term. I have been madily in LOVE with this lady for more than 30 years. I am 84 yrs old. She is 74 yrs. old. My life expectancy is only 10-12 yrs. I don’t want to spend the remainder of my live ALONE. I know she cares for me, but does she love me enough to let me be a 24/7 part of her life.
I’d appreciate your thoughts & council.
hello i am bbbb my question is that i have a friend and i fells that i love him and i love him so how can i tell him that i love him how can i tell him? plzzzzzzz answer me
hi david,i wanna aske you aQ you know i and my ex- were in love for at least 4 months unfortunatly
we stop meeting some times i think that he dump me but he still send me sms whihc is not talk about
love so what do you think?plus i can’t stop thinking about him.