What a week! Three icons now gone. How can we ever forget Ed McMahon’s “Heeeere’s Johnny!” How can we ever hear “Beat It!” again the same way with Michael Jackson gone? And no one said “Hello Charlie” sexier than Farrah Fawcett…
We used to do a weekly “q & a” blog, and apparently some of you miss it because I am still receiving requests from some people to answer their questions on the blog. I got a great question in my inbox the other day which reminded me of a situation in my own life, so I decided that would be a good question to pick to bring back the q & a blog.
Also by the way, and if anyone cares, my birthday is in five days. I’ll remind you at least two more times. Why? I don’t know . . . but it will be interesting to see who remembers and who doesn’t. For those of you who can’t count, it’s now June 26th and as you hopefully know there are only thirty (and not thirty-one) days in June. So add that together and five days from now is July 1st.
So let’s get to this reader’s question…
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READER QUESTION
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David,
So I met this really interesting and stunning girl while waiting for the train this past Friday in the Chicago burbs. After having an incredible conversation with her on the train for about a half hour she casually brings up the fact that she saw a Blackhawks/Red Wings hockey game with her boyfriend in Detroit. I’m not gonna lie, I was a little disappointed that she mentioned this, because she is a pretty cool chick inside and out.
Anyway, she hardly brings him up anymore and mentions that she’s only dated him for a year (and further tells me that I look kinda like him), so I take that as a sign she’s interested in me and I get her number as I get off the train to continue the conversation later. The flirting and chemistry between us were really great, so I definitely would like to see this girl again.
So my question is: When meeting with a woman that you’re interested in that already has a boyfriend, do you treat each “date” as if she were single and let nature take its course or am I just wasting my time? This is unchartered territory for me.
Muchisimas gracias Senor Wygant!
Brad W.
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MY ANSWER TO READER’S QUESTION
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Brad,
If you read Tuesday’s blog about expectations, you would understand by now that you shouldn’t be looking for signs. You should just be enjoying connecting with another person.
When I first met my girlfriend back in September of 2007, we had incredible chemistry. I knew it and she didn’t admit it because she was in a relationship.
I found her to be such a spectacular person. So we went out for coffee or a glass of wine a few times and just talked. From experience I know that if I’m just present and having a great time with someone, that nature will take its course (as you put it).
Four of my best relationships have been with women who at one time had a boyfriend. I didn’t put the hoodoo manipulation tactics on any of them. I just got to know them as people and, once again as you put it, let nature take its course.
I didn’t look for signs. I just got to know them. If you’re present and just get to know someone with no other expectations, you never know what is going to happen.
Some guys will become friends with a woman who has a boyfriend, but he will have an angle the entire time. They might try some manipulation tactics to get her to break up with her boyfriend, or they might spend their time selling themselves.
Here is what you need to understand. If a woman is vibing another guy while she is in a relationship, it probably means that something is missing in that relationship. You need to let her figure that out on her own, and not try to manipulate or coax her.
You are probably part of the process. If you really like her as a person, though, then just go out and enjoy her company because (as I always teach) the most powerful version of you is YOU.
So, Brad, thanks for the great question! Also, since some of you apparently miss the q & a blogs, we’ll bring them back from time to time whenever I get a really great question.
how old are you going to be in July 1st Mr. Wygant!
I really like how the blogs are different throughout the week, always learning something new!
David,
Plz don’t hit me with such a math question trying to figure out you birthday…I cheated I just skipped to july 1’st JK
Brad,
David knows way too much about us girls….Yep he would be our #2 male Lesbian on this site…sorry David Professor Big is still #1
We will pick up on you trying to “manipulate” a situations sooner or later..and then it will backfire. Besides do you really want a girl who just jumps from one to another without having figured herself out. Enjoy the moment with her, have fun with her…if it’s meant to be it will happen. Just because she has a boyfriend so what…it’s not ever a waste to connect with people where there is great energy.
jimmi- he is gonna be 47 and now call him grandpa Wygant:)
grandpa Wygant LOL
As a woman,I have had this happen so many times, where a man shows interest in me, and we talk and flirt. There’s an obvious connection and chemistry going on, but, there’s a huge BUT! I’m usually in an exclusive relationship. I think this happens most of the time while I’m in a relationship because I am not “looking” for a man. I am happy in a relationship so I act more comfortable and natural around other men. I’m not tyring to impress or attract them; it happens naturally, so the natural thing that happens in attraction. If I woman doesn’t tell you she has a boyfriend up front, then she might have feelings of confusion, because she most likley finds you attractive. She doesn’t want to kill the great communication and potential connection by saying, btw, I have a boyfriend. I usually try to work my bf into the conversation, by saying, “my boyfriend ______”. I appreciate it when men say “my wife or girlfriend”, it usually takes the pressure off!
Something I’ve noticed is that the moment a woman tells me she has a boyfriend (or husband) is that inside my head, I hear her zipper already going down….which is good because high quality women are ALWAYS with some form of a relationship. (In fact if I were to meet a super high quality girl and she was completely single I might even become a little skeptical and wary of her).
I have something I do that I refer to as “Straw Man Technique” which I won’t go into too much depth here (you shouldn’t have too much trouble finding more about it if you really want to), partially because the way I use it isn’t really a technique but more as a habit of who I am and partially because it would be too long to post in a comment.
But the basic idea behind it is that most guys when they find that the girl they want has a boyfriend, guys tend to try to tear down the guy in question.
WRONG MOVE!
She will never perceive it that way. From her point of view you are not insulting him, YOU ARE INSULTING HER! You are saying she has bad taste in men or a loser because she is going out with a loser.
So what do I do? I build the other guy up…BIG TIME!
By doing so I demonstrate a lot of positive qualities about myself while simultaneously building up like a Straw Man for her to tear down. (If you’re interested in Straw Man Technique, I’m sure you’ll be able to find it).
Other than that, I just proceed as if she were single and enjoy the moment.
Don’t worry David, i am packing my gift for you honey, email me the address again so i can send it away.
Brad- great questions and David is so right on about being a friend instead of trying to make a move on her or get her to leave her boyfriend!
if a woman tells he she has a boyfriend, i tell her- that is great, he can come and drive us around LOL
howe you are funny
howe- i think sometimes you try too hard man LOL
That is why i am dating and your not
ya whatever you love to show off dont ya:)
Adonis- you don’t need to use any technique to build up another guy or anything, I just don’t believe in any technique, i learned from David that it is all about being honest, real, and connection is a key!
That is my opinion of course you are the person to decide what works for you or not:)
what is going on Leo long time no chat bro?
jimiiiiiiiiiiii- what is going on?
well i have working a lot, and also highly active socializing with people more than ever, having a tons fun!
nice to hear that Leo, and i think it is really important to put into action what we are learning here since no one can make us walk the line.
Adornis…
A so called high quality woman will see through that kind of stunt too… any intelligent woman will cringe when anyone, who on top of everything is also a strange, starts that kiss someone’s ass technique …you will only come across like a sleaze.
But good luck to your Game…(-:
NIce to see howe and Jimmi out in full twin force…
Justine,
Thats the catch 22, when we are in a relationship then we relax and everyone comes to us. You want to end up in a state of mind were you flow like you are in a relationship all the time… You will when you have reach the true connections not with someone else, but yourself.
Leo… like I said, the way I use it is NOT as a tactic or technique…it’s just a personal habit extending from my positive energy…but some guys may not be on that level at the moment… in which case it may be helpful for them to view it as a ‘technique’ until it becomes a force of habit.
>>>>>>>>>>So we went out for coffee or a glass of wine a few times and just talked.
Follow up question to david:
Ok, so you went out for coffee or glass of wine…Did YOU volunteer to pay for hers too? At what point do you cross the “hmm, this is really a date now?” fine line? If there would be no interest deep down, there will likely be no coffee or wine. If the “date” shadow is not at the back of your (maybe hers too) head you just pay yours and she pays hers…but then it is still awkward too.
Like Adonis said, when this happens, I can hear the zipper going down:-)
You are absolutely right, David. But, what about when they’re Married or engaged?
david are going to be 47 this year to be exact.
David, A great topic to repeat every so often as its one of those things that needs drilling in more than once I find.
I was going to say “don’t let Jacob make you feel bad about turning 47″, but I know you don’t even care! You look about 37,you have more hair than I do and most people younger than you would swap places with you given the chance.
Like they say, you’re only as old as the woman you feel!
Question for the ladies here as much as the coaches. Of course, Coach Kimberly is both a lady & a coach, so this is for her as much as anyone. Lexi, Sandra, Julia & Marina give me some feedback too. Sorry to hijack this thread, but I need some female advice.
I see a lot of girls around town who look like the definitive Coppertone Girl with a deep tan and I don’t know if it’s “natural” as in actually being out in the sun or if they’ve been in a tanning salon like a tanning bed or gotten one of those spray on tans. Is it appropriate to ask a girl if she uses a tanning salon? Is that too personal? I figure a lot of girls probably want people to think it’s natural, but if it’s been raining all week or they have a job where they’re inside all day, you have to wonder.
What I was thinking about asking is:
“Hey Jen, I couldn’t help noticing you’ve got a great tan. Do you use the tanning salon next door? I’ve been thinking about trying one of their spray-on tans. I’m a little leery of tanning beds since I tend to burn easily, but I’m tired of walking around all the time with deep sea fish white skin. I need a good tan and don’t mind cheating a bit. Have you heard if those spray-on tans work?
Is that okay? Do you think she’ll think I’m questioning her tan or just asking for some honest advice? Which I am. Well, okay, maybe I’m questioning it a little bit, but still, I’m curious about whether I should try one of those spray-on tans or not. How many days do they last before they finally wear off or wash off? Anyone here tried them, men & women both?
I would not ask that from a tanned lady…Maybe after you get to know her a bit but, I supposed, many may get offended…If they do go to a tanning salon they can obviously be very touchy about their appearance. Maybe you can say something like…”Every time I see you I think of you as the Hawaii girl with your great tan…You are not from Hawaii, are you?” smiling and being playful all the way…Then, you shut up, and let her speak and LISTEN to what she says and extend/take over the conversation from there.
Personally, I think the people who go to tanning salons have some issues:-)
Girls who go to tanning salons have an even tan color, whereas girls who are actually outside have a more realistic, uneven tan, I’d say. Making a generalization, girls who tan care alot about the way they look and are willing to spend money on a salon tan, so that should say something about their characteristic vice versa.
I agree with Dan about bringing up tanning with a tan woman. The best way to get a woman to share and open up is by listening and letting her talk. Being funny and playful is good too. Do it with a smile! Women love a funny guy with a big grin!
Btw, I’ve started reading David Deida’s book The Way of the Superior Man. Anyone read Deidas book?
Happy Early B Day to you Dave!
I am in a similiar situation but this one will take time. What I did was this I allowed him the time and space to figure out what he wants to do but I will still remain his close friend no matter what good or bad. I do not go and tell him hey you need to let go. We talk about certain issues but others is when he brings it up and wants to talk about. DO NOT put down the other relationship for what I have been told if you then it will look bad on your part. Just let them know that you will be there for them and as a friend for now.
So, DTO, Kismet & Justine, do you think it would be okay to call her Coppertone Girl as kind of a pet name just joking around? “Hey Coppertone Girl, where have you been to get such a great tan? I need to do something about my Snow White skin, whatdya think? I don’t want to look like that ‘I’m a PC’ guy.”
Or ” Do you think a super white guy like me could get a date with a deep bronze girl like you?” said with a wink & a smile.
Thanks for the feedback everybody. David, you’re absolutely right about the expectations concept. If it works for movies, why not with dating too?!
please bring back the Q&A!