What is it about hotels? Why is it that no matter in what type of hotel you stay, you can hear the plumbing?
Also, why does housekeeping start so early even when you have the “f*^k off” sign on the door? You can hear them at the crack of dawn knocking on doors up and down the hallway.
I mean, if someone is out of their room at 7:00 am, I highly doubt there are coming back at 8:00 am. So I think the mandatory start time for housekeeping ought to be 9:00 am so the rest of us can get our money’s worth and our sleep!
I am writing this in a cafe called “Mommy World.” We are the only non-childbearing, non-pregnant, non-breast feeding people in here!
OK, I’m off to the streets of New York City, and leaving you with today’s blog…
So, you’ve got to break up with somebody. Breaking up is hard to do.
I’ll tell you something – I was never a good breaking up person. I mean, it was one of the hardest things in the world for me to do. Through much of my adult life, I would work to get women to dislike me so the relationship could end.
Once a relationship was over, I just hated having to have “the talk.” I hated having to have that breakup talk.
The breakup talk is the worst talk in the entire world. To sit down and to break somebody’s heart is awful. Then again, they may want to break up with you too — you just never know.
There are, however, rules about breaking up that everyone should follow. I really think breaking up is something that needs to be done face to face. Silvester Stallone is famous for breaking up via Fed Ex.
Other people will break up with someone via text message, which I think is cowardly. Never break up with somebody you’re dating via text message.
Never break up with someone via email. It think that is really tacky. Never stick a Post It® note on someone’s refrigerator or their pillow case right after you’ve had sex saying, “Sorry but I don’t think this is going to work out.”
Once you realize that you need to break up with somebody, you need to sit them down immediately. The passive aggressive way of breaking up (of which I’ve been guilty in my past) wherein you try to get someone to break up with you by putting them through a year of torture to get them to hate you, is totally wrong.
Once you know you no longer want to be with someone, it needs to be you who initiates the breakup — now and face to face. When you know you need to break up with somebody, you need to sit them down and be honest about how you feel.
You shouldn’t be that passive aggressive person who stops returning someone’s phone calls to get the other person to be angry with you.
Think about it from their perspective. Here is this person who is getting to know you for a month or two, and then all of a sudden you stop taking their calls and stop calling them.
They’re going to be confused. They won’t know what’s going on with you. They will start to get really nervous. They’ll start having talks with their friends about it. They’ll start to wonder what they did to cause you do act this way.
You will be leaving things open-ended. Instead of causing all this upset and anxiety in the other person, all you really need to do is to tell them that you are no longer feeling that relationship. By doing that, you are giving them closure.
You don’t want to leave someone without closure in these situations. Why? Remember what that feels like when someone in the past has done this to you, and you will never do it to someone else again.
So, breakups are something that should be done immediately once you know you want to end things with someone. Don’t hesitate. Breakups should happen fast.
The minute you know you need to break up with someone, you need to figure out how to do it quickly and face to face. There should be some kind of 48 hour break up rule, wherein you must do it within 48 hours of deciding you need to do it.
For any of you who are wondering where the usual Wednesday podcast is, it is still going to be here every Wednesday EXCEPT for this week (when it will be making a special appearance on Friday). So be sure to check back here on Friday for a very special podcast and blog!
I couldn’t agree more with two points in here…
First that thre is nothing more unkind you can do to someone than to just disappear in a relationship. Of course it sucks for someone to break up with you — but I know I would rather it happen then for a guy to just stop taking calls AND I always want closure! It helps you to process, heal and move on SO SO SO much faster.
Second I agree that it is truly cowardly (and SELFISH)to do the passive aggressive thing. Be a man (or a woman) and breakup if that’s what you want
I think my boyfriend is on the verge of breaking up with me. So…I have been putting him off a bit.
I would say there is one exception to the “must break up face to face rule” and that is if the other person is abusive, especially physically, since in that case, breaking up in person could hazardous to your health.
What are the things someone might do to get over the breakup and not to suffer for a long time? this is the case in which the other person broke up with you? how do you recover?
I agree with David wholeheartedly on this one.
As in business and life in general, those who are bold and decisive will prosper. The recent blog on beating around the bush re-enforced my approach to life. You really do have to go out and stake claim to what you want in this world, otherwise life will pass you by. Time waits for no one. Most of the people you admire will likely tell you the same. As Bruce Lee said, If you love life, do not waste time, for time is what life is made of.
Why, you may ask? It is ingrained in our biology. The cave man who sought out a mate was able to reproduce and pass on genes. The hesitant cave man was lost from the gene pool. Simple as this.
This makes our situation especially more difficult because feelings are involved. While it may be a tougher pill to swallow, this is how I choose to run my ship.
When you think about it, those who are hanging on (David mentions ‘hangers on’) are delaying the inevitable. The sooner you are able to move forward, the closer you are to your next step. Procrasinate and you will stagnate.
From personal experience: A woman I knew from about three years ago ended our short relationship, albiet through telephone & email. Though I had called her and she was clearly upset, I would have respected her more had she controled her emotions and had a conversation in person.
This is definitely required reading for all people who are dating. If you’re going to break up, you need to TALK, not just stop returning calls or texts. I had someone break up with me by deleting me from his myspace- classy, eh? Come on, have the balls to talk- people deserve that much. Thanks, David.
how do i break up without conflict
Definitely something to share with other people.
I agree with your take on breakups. I think it’s all about respect and ultimately owning up to your responsibilities in terms of ending a relationship.
As such, no matter how uncomfortable it is, as men, it’s our responsibility and duty to give that person the face time and show empathy in some form or fashion.
You’re ultimately given them closure and even feedback as to where it might have went wrong.
As for Lexi’s comment, yes, that would be an exception.
Whats the date cut off for when you can break up with someone over the phone? Does a long distance relationship add to the cut off?
I liked the stick it note on the fridge..LOL I will try it next time…or easier hun I really don;t like to be on the pill
charly20009 —
Know that the pain is temporary, even though it is hard to see there might be better relationship matches out there for you it is hard to see them, if you have the impulse to call him, don’t, call your friends instead. Figure out what patterns you might want to work on or change for your next relationship, let yourself cry. Do not contact him at all. Do nice things for yourself that are good self-care short & long term– like get a massage if you have the $ too and if you don’t, treat yourself to a luxurious bubble bath at home. Spend more time with friends and pick up a new hobby. Smile at other men.
Thanks for the advice Lexi. I’m sure i’ll help, even for me that I am a dude
What bothers me a lot is the fact that she was the one breaking up, when I knew that things were not working anymore. I had the chance to do it, but my fear of being lonely made me not to.
You’re so right about the patterns should work on for my next relationship. I made many mistakes and to be totally honest I pushed her to do that by not being a good partner. I’m really learning from my pain.
Right now, i feel very angry at her. I even told her we’re not friends anymore. I wonder how i should act if she wants to establish a friendship within some time or if I run into her..
I think breaking up is always hard to do because someone is getting hurt by it . Rejection is a part of life that no one ever wants to accept relationship are hard work that in some cases never pay off.
Charly–
Sorry about the gender mixup, yeah the only way my advice would change is different self care options although my BF really likes baths . . . if she does contact you, and you choose to respond, and you think you might want to be friends or friendly in the future, you could just tell her what your ground rules are, that you don’t want to talk to her for the next 3 months (or whatever) and if you see her at parties or mutual social engagements you’ll say hi and be normal, and you’ll re-evaluate if you want her in your life as a friend later.
I can relate to the chance to break up when things weren’t working out and not doing it. I wouldn’t get on your own case too much, especially if your strategy at that point was to try and work on things while still in the relationship– that can be a good sign for the longevity and happiness in your relationship if you find the right girl. If, you were just afraid to end things rather than trying to work on what wasn’t as good as it could be, definitely a good thing to look at about yourself.
Never heard the one about Sly Stallone breaking up by FedEx, but I do remember hearing about Phil Collins telling his wife at the time he wanted a divorce by fax. Cold! Yes, it’s something that needs to be done face to face. It has to be handled carefully and with respect.
After 3 months of dating someone I’ve decided to call it quits. Reading this article and all the feedback has helped clear my mind a lot. I tried telling him the things that I did not like, he apologized but still, nothing has changed and my feelings are hurt. I feel I deserve better then what I’m getting from this relationship. I can’t even imagine breaking up with him in person. I guess I have to build up the strength to do this. I think my biggest fear is that he will act cold and not even care that I’m parting ways with him.