So She Has a Boyfriend…
January 14, 2009 
95 Comments
We are hitting new records, its seems that we can not kill the friend to boyfriend post. 372 comments and still going strong.
So now lets turn the tide and talk about the opposite sex.
If you have not seen this record blog click here.
So what do you do if she has a boyfriend?
You walk over to her and you’ve been talking and you think you’re doing great. You say, “hey, I’d love to get together with you; let’s grab a cup of coffee,” and she says, “well, I have a boyfriend.”
At this point, most guys tuck their tails between their legs and run away. This makes you the asshole that ran away as soon as someone mentioned the word “boyfriend.”
Here is what you should do instead: say something like, “oh man, what a lucky guy.” This plants a seed in her head, where she thinks, what a lucky guy? He’d better think he’s lucky to have me!
Then she goes home that afternoon and gets into a fight with her boyfriend and she’ll be able to say, “do you realize how lucky you are going out with me?” You’ve planted that seed.
Another one of my favorite responses to the “I have a boyfriend” is this: “oh man, I hope he treats you well,” or “I hope he appreciates you.” This also gets her thinking, oh man, this guy doesn’t really appreciate me! I’ve been fighting with him for the last few weeks!
This opens up a potential conversation down the road. Two minutes later she will be telling you about the boyfriend that doesn’t appreciate her.
You have to say all of these things from your heart, or they will sound fake.
Another thing you can say is, “just my luck, this is ridiculous. I was so ready to start dating again. I just processed my last relationship and I’ve spent a lot of time working on myself. I have to tell you, I’m super picky, and the last few women that I’ve hit it off with…” – which tells her that you’ve hit it off with her and that you’re very instinctual – “have all seemed to have had boyfriends! Do you have a twin or anything? A friend just like you?”
I’ve been set up like that with a friend that was pretty damn hot. You’re also networking for a date, which a lot of guys try to avoid. You want to network for the date because this will allow you to go out and meet some more interesting people.
And remember the 50% rule: 50% of the people that you meet today that are in a relationship will be single in a year.
Do you want to be the guy that complimented her with confidence and dignity? And then when you run into her again someday and ask, “so how’s that boyfriend treating you?” guess who is going to get the phone call? You. She will remember that good spirit and great energy every single time.
So the next time she says that she has a boyfriend, you have to think about what your answer is going to be instead of running away from her like the bratty kid who didn’t get his toy.
It’s about the dividend. It’s like investing in real estate. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all buy real estate today and sell it tomorrow for a profit? Right. There is nothing in life that you do today that is going to pay you a dividend tomorrow.
Anything that you invest in now is going to have its great payoff in the future. This is just one of the future benefits.
And I am enjoying the future benefits now. My girlfriend when we met had a boyfriend and now she is with me. We were friends, she broke up and we reconnected a year later.
Thats why you just kick back and be yourself with no expectations.
Todays video is all about Live Street Approaches.
Damn, this post really hit home for me. I’ve had problems continuing the conversation right after I ask for the number and she says she has a boyfriend… and so many of them do have bfs. I’m going to try the networking thing out instead of meekly scurrying away with nothing to show for it, and just have fun continuing the conversation. Great blog today, and I’m sure for quite a few guys who’ve had the same problem.
Me too…
Not being a guy does this equally work if a girl says something similar. Male feedback.
Damn David is sweet talker, but like the way you turn things so positive around. Both are line are very cute the first the most effective one, the second could come across a little pushy. great ideas David.
Forgot to add this. I think more what you are doing is what my husband always said.
“you never get a second chance to make a first impression”
By doing it a genuine, sweet personally I like with some humor, laughter gets to my heart so fast, you will never forget this person. Mind you it could be I am still with him, but next time I see you with my girlfriend you would be the first one I would introduce her to.
What a timely post! Lately as I’ve been meeting more girls, they are all taken, and this casually comes up in the conversation before I get a chance to ask them out. There is one girl who I met the other day who I really would love to go for coffee with, and during our 3 hour conversation, there wasn’t any mention of a boyfriend. So I’ve been thinking of what I would have to say if I ask her out and she happens to be dating someone. At first, I admit, I saw myself being the a-hole and running away. But then what? Since we are in class together (that’s where we met) that would just make the rest of the semester horribly awkward. I had a line, but I much prefer yours, David. Especially the networking thing. I’ve heard of doing that before, … I’ll just have to give it a shot.
My question to other readers then is: After asking them out and learning they have a boyfriend, have you ever had success asking them for a referal (friend or relative)? I’m interested to know some other people’s experiences.
Only 397 posts to go
David,
You have to bring Sanda and Patti over here for it to work.
Come on what kind of self serving entry is that, you can do better that that..
wow!! this blog is the solution to one of the biggest barriers in meeting women.
some time back If i show a hot girl some times i think she may have a boy friend as an excuse not to approach or worse still if i approach and she later say i have a boyfriend it leaves me with not hope of ever getting her so i just give up completely
but after listening to the mastery series i learned the right way to respond from David by saying ” your boyfriend is a lucky guy” i used it and every girl that heard it i could see felt special, it works like magic!! no matter whether i dated them latter or not they always remembered me!!
and this blog is a remainder for me to keep using it!
After knowing this now i have not excuse of not approaching women thanks to the mastery series and this blog to day
Maybe I’m missing something here… but wouldn’t saying “he’s so lucky to have you” be kind of placing the girl on a pedastool?
Taras,
Assume you are a girl, just a sweet compliment to a girl, everyone loves to feel special. Men too love to get reaffirmed with compliments.
Ah man, why couldn’t this blog have gone up a few days ago, David?! Met a girl a few days ago, got her number had a couple of texts back and forth. She said what are you up to to which i replied and asked the same question and she said just at home with my boyfriend. I didn’t completely back off but ignored it and continued for a bit to make out i wasn’t to bothered but haven’t been in contact since. Will definitely use one of your suggestions next time!
ok this was a good topic to bring up my line for that response to women was always “thats nice” but you have given me insite into why i should find it acceptable for them to have one and you to find out if they are pleased because most women are not and have nothing better to go to, because most men are scared to question if they are pleased any way great comeback lines for the sake of not feeling rejection and maintaining control of your self and the sitituation…thanks
Marina,
Patti here do you feel better now? lol So does same thing work if they guy has a girlfriend or should i just leave them alone….hey i have to start somewhere
I’m not very good at this anyway. Maybe i should disappear.
What is great about this blog is that it speaks to the whole idea of letting go of your agenda. She has a boyfriend? So what! It’s still great to connect with someone you are attracted to and you never know what could happen with that. It goes back to being open and positive and you’ll get that back.
On a personal note, I remember when I had a boyfriend and things weren’t going so well. I met this great guy and it made me think about the qualities that I liked in him which was missing in my boyfriend. It was so strong that it was the impetus which led to me breaking up with him. I ended up going out with that other guy down the road and learned so much about what I wanted and what I didn’t!
Guys…take a chance!
Patti
Stay with us…so much to learn from each other!
Yeah come on guys take a chance!!!!
Taras
You are thinking like a PUA.
No that is not putting her on a pedastal that is paying a nice compliment and speaking the truth.
This is why I hate so much of that PUA crap.
PUA teachings are a mixed bag of shit half the time……..you are not trying to jedi mind fuck her here you are just stating what you feel with no intention and just being a godo person which in my books is all you need to be.
And 3 of my best relationships I met when they had a boyfriend including my girlfriend now.
And i had no jedi mind game intention.
What I teach is far deeper than any PUA crap and that is why I have always been so against it because it really makes you overthink everything.
Taras
One more thing.
Look what Marina said and she is a woman so why listen to what a nicknamed so called guru spews out of his PUA mouth.
Hey ALL
D you are so damm right!!!
When I first came inot the PUA world I was a mystery method guy and that shit was full of mystery for me.
I actually took a bootcamp with Tyler Durden and RSD and found it one of the most disgraceful moments of my life.
These guys are so warped in their thinking and the stuff they teach is backwards.
Look i am done kissing up to you but I will say that your mens mastery series really kicked me in the ass and saved me a ton of time.
As always Dr Bob out and Horny Lisa where art thou?
Bob
Very funny you are one sick man.
You and Tariq both stole my pictures and posted it on your wordpress theme.
Very funny.
Call me over the weekend need to ask you a couple of quick questions on a trip I am going to take.
Did anyone see this?
This is how i spent my saturday nights as a kid.
http://tv.yahoo.com/fantasy-island/show/30387/news/urn:newsml:tv.ap.org:20090114:obit_montalban__ER:77030
>>>>>>Only 397 posts to go
Only a couple of more Sandras and you ‘re there:-)
“you are not trying to jedi mind fuck her”
I’m still laughing… Such a way with words.
Its not so much what you say as how you say it. That’s one thing that i really had to internalize. Once i stop trying to get sex my success skyrocketed.
The line “He’s lucky to have” is not putting her on a pedestal if you’re not just trying to put her on your penis.
I just caught up from post 304 on that monster blog….May I add a Patti or two to a few more Sandras and we’ll be spending most of our time trying to keep up with 700 + posts daily:-)
priceless. i can’t for what the future has for me then, i think i instinctually followed this advice a couple of times already.
Yeah that’s true, even if nothing comes out of it eventually, you improved your conversational/flirting skills a little more that day. And for the PUA stuff I also started looking at that a bit before I found David’s site. So the only good thing that came out of that PUA crap was finding you guys on you tube.
Like D said, they teach you so many crap that you miss out on the conversation. ”O she touched her hair, hurry up and kiss her….” You can’t even connect with the person because all you think about is your next move.
David helps you to develop your personality. Anything you say goes, as long as it come’s from the right place.
Marina; I had something similiar to ”she is lucky to have you” and it did make me feel good and look at her more positively. It was delivered from a confident girl. Nothing needy. So It does work for me/men too.
hahaha! Ricov I liked that one
Girls with boyfriends are fun to talk to. They are so much more relaxed than the single girls who gets nervous thinking too much about how they appear :O
Hmm, Coach Kimberly is the best looking of all coaches here. Did anyone else notice?
Well David,
I read your blogs every single day but barely post something. I didn’t know that you remember your bloggers.
Thanks
This is a great blog!
I made this mistake once. Now with the help of this blog and the mastery series, I finally learned my lesson.
Oh YEA one more thing. Coach Kimberly, THANKS FOR THE GREAT ADVICE!!
Sometimes us women are too quick to dismiss guys based on 1st impressions.. By saying “I have a boyfriend”, you leave yourself an out.. Some women use this to get off the hook, so if they keep talking to you and are not interested then they don’t have to feel like they hurt your feelings.. It also weeds out the guys that have an agenda (remember outcome independence).. David gives a good idea to keep the conversation going so your personality can come through. Also, it shows confidence..
j-dude: I think you meant to say “Coach Kimberly’s bf is a lucky guy”
Tariq
I know and remember everyone!!!
Tee
Very true a lot of women will throw in the boyfriend story even if he does not exist.
sometimes because they are not so sure about the guy.
J Dude
I never noticed that…………
Vince
Very true you found me through all the PUA stuff!!! So it worked out great
Rico
Very true. A compliment is not meant to get her on your penis as you stated.
Great comment.
Ashley
Great to see you on the blog!!
How was the christmas vacation?
For those of you who are into the PUA lifestyle, read the first chapter of The Game by Neil Strauss, and find out what happens to Mystery. Do you really want to be a person in that state? Didn’t think so? There’s nothing wrong about working to improve yourself, but we want to do it productively. The men that I know of that have the women chasing them, in my experience, are the ones that takes what life gives to them; they do not let things get to them. She has a boyfriend? No problem; just befriend her. Life is too short to be super goal-oriented.
Dave
We (men) get so caught up in outcome dependence that we don’t realize that we’re being plain rude by ending a conversation as soon as you find out a girl has a boyfriend. It’s basically like saying “Oh well, if I don’t have a chance at having sex with you then you aren’t even worth talking to, and all that stuff I already said was just a line”. David sure is right about the part that you better really mean what you say to her though. I tried saying how lucky a girls BF was one time a few years ago and didn’t really mean it. It came off as extremely desperate and basically sounded like me saying “pretty please…. oh come on… pretty please go out with me”. She probably thought I was really creepy. Not one of my prouder moments.
I was speaking recently to a woman that I truly thought had one of the prettiest smiles I’ve ever seen, one that could light up a room. I decided to pay her a random compliment on how nice her smile was. She blushed a little and a natural fun conversation followed. As we were going our separate ways I asked if she wanted to grab a cup of coffee. She said she couldn’t as she had a BF and I said that her boyfriend was lucky that he got to see that magical smile all the time. She hesitated for a second, looked me in the eyes, and I could tell she had a moment where she was really evaluating her response to me. This happened to be at her place of work and she told me to be sure I kept coming into the store, which I will of course do.
In retrospect the awesome thing about it was I didn’t approach her with an agenda, or even intend on asking her out. I just started talking with her, complimented her on her smile, and it naturally flowed from there.
Well, what about when a girl asks a guy out and he replies that he’s seeing s/o?
i was in that situation before and well, i didn’t know what to say and later when I met him, it was super awkward
J. dozer: yes you can have success with the referral and here is a little story of mine ….
I used to hate it when women told me that she had a bf, the lesson here took me some time to learn b/c i didn’t have my mindset all straighten up years ago.
Soon I started to get phone calls or texts by women I met months before, who I absolutely thought that I would never see again. What ended up happening that I dated their friends or them.
In community college I met women who were old as my mother, asking me to come over dinner to meet their daughters.
All these referral workout great because I started to enjoy talking to everyone, and give them my best, no matter if they had a bf. or if they weren’t in the mood to date anyone.
and i didn’t jedi mind fuck anyone
so yes, be patient, and little vulnerable, and ask for the referral!
You never know who is going to call you back:)
Sharr, it doesn’t matter what gender you are in that situation. You walk up, give them a handshake, a hug, or a high five (depending on how well you know them) and look them in the eye with a smile on your face and say “hey, how have you been lately.” The awkwardness is always over “what do I say, this person liked me and I rejected them” but if you treat them like a friend capable of engaging you in a positive social interaction, you get over that awkwardness. Think of it this way: there was something about that person and your connection that was really positive for you to take the risk of asking them out (unless you had an agenda and were just asking out anything that moves). Those characteristics are still there, so don’t approach him as the guy who turned you down, approach him as the guy who you can have a fun and engaging conversation with and YOU be the one to initiate it. I guarantee the awkwardness will go away in 5 seconds once he sees you aren’t hurt and value interacting with him.
Sharr: never seen you here before. And Welcome to the blog:)
If he is seeing someone, that’s fine. It doesn’t have to be awkward. It’s really how you deal with the situation. Smile and tell him “she must make you happy”
No high fives ever!!
high five thing is funny. Some of the guys who call themselves PUA, will go up to women and start to high five them.
They call high five – is a way to kino a woman or some crap like that.
the only kino i can think of is some game in the casino:)
David – Why no high fives?
David, Yakub–
Is coach Kimberly’s working for Da’boss?
In that case, yes, her BF is a lucky man… and no, I’m not trying to travel in time, one year into the future!
J-dude…thanks for the compliment although as you can see I don’t have much competition
David David.. I can’t believe this post just popped up right when this problem came to me today!! LOL! I just found out a girl that I have been talking to has a boyfriend. (She hasn’t told me yet) I just found out the harder way from connections. I felt all butt hurt because we have been talking and flirting with each other so well and all of a sudden I found out she has a b/f . But now reading this post you just saved mee.. Cuz I’ll know what to say when she mentions about her b/f!! I was even thinking about expanding my network with her but I wasn’t sure if I could do it. By reading this post… It just made know that I can do it! 09 is getting better and better! THANK YOU!! =)
I really have to tell you. After all the times hitting it off with women only for them to turn around to say that they had a boyfriend, I have NEVER thought of doing that. This just goes to show that I still have yet a lot to learn about myself, and about how to become a better conversationalist. Cheers David!
Is there a touch of Murphy’s Law in this issue? When one is happily engrossed in a relationship, why is it that you get hit on like no one’s business? Maybe because we’re not trying so hard and just being ourselves without expectations and without putting on a front? That you DO talk to others even if you’re sweaty, no make-up, etc because you’re REALLY not dressed to impress and you end up impressing more because there is no “advertising spin” so to speak?
I think this has less to do with future networking/realtionsship possibilities and more to do with just being in the moment and treat everyone personal and special. Even playing with the thoughts “future chances” you have expectations and start focusing on them. Just having those thoughts there could limit you ability to just observe the situation and just enjoy the human connection. Great if you actions now will lead you in that way down the road, but don’t even let those thoughts enter your mind.
Nice to see you Patti, yes goes for men too, just remember you approach anybody more with the mindset of trying to make a connections, nothing more or less.
K, yes it’s so true, its because you are not trying hard anymore to find a relationship. You approach everyone relaxed with no expectations.
Meow to you Sandra..
See Adam right approach with the the
girl, but then make this second nature to everyone. It could be the checkout guy or girl men can give men comments/compliments too. Once it’s second nature it will never come across as anything than genuine.
Tee, so true about the B/F comment used it so often, and yes great if you can get past that first comment from a girl, but you have to be able to do it confidence and humor otherwise you will come across as a creep.
I guess I am really enjoying these blogs and listening to the approach from David and his team, because I was married to someone who treated everyone special and was able to make everyone smile. Pretty much everything said here about life and how to approach people i had everyday…except squirting..LOL
Back to tennis, read Timothy Gallweys inner game books some of the best about personal and interpersonal behavior I have read. Tennis is such a great tool to get to know your self..not to mention the nice eyecandy
Date and live in the ZONE.
Ok David I should have broken it up in 5 or 6 blogs to help you get your count up..
Keep on the good work, it’s really fun reading all this stuff. You know already, sometimes you have forgotten and often you hear the same thing from a different view.
Everyone have a great day.
David,
Did not see that show as a kid, where we grew up tv at that time was limited, but actually what I would look forward for a whole year was that between christmas and New year we had cartoons on the the tv in the morning.Yep, even as a kid my favorite one was Scooby Doo..
Patience was ingrained in you even when it came to television, such a hard thing to teach/show you kids now way too much instant gratifications.
Forget about all this trying to train a dog a cool trick, poor Dapne and all the dog training school she had to go through to help David..
There is a whole school of PUA coaches, how to babysit you sisters kids and pickup hot single moms..LOL
youtube skatboarding dog there is a cool bulldog skating, bring that one to the beach and no boy would have any problems with breaking the ice.
Coach Kimberly,
As you said ” as you can see I don’t have much competition”
Hmm don’t know about you girls but it sure looks like we have a prima donna here who put herself on a pedestal…Let’s have a nice little Cat Fight here.
One some blog someone was asking about horny liza and dr bob, maybe finally she got to his Cabin.
Meow
Off topic why do some comments await moderations and other get on right away, it there some kind of filter that scan for certain words and if they show up someone has to approve first.
As David said Patti stay here you sounded so depressed on another blog, nothing worse than to give up, we are all teachers and students at the same time. Right now you are teaching guys that when all that is on their mind is getting laid, they leave a trail of people behind they hurt and scarred badly. There are a lot of guy where their only goal is not just getting laid, ok maybe second at best.
I am so booring on paper…
I always check the blog, normally lurk rather than post though! Xmas was great thanks, beat the snow they had in London! Hope you had a good one too.
marina – I think what coach kimi ment to say was there are not alot of female coaches out there , I may be wrong too so feel free to have a cat fight girls. Ill bring the Jello
Coach Kimberly,
Pls don’t fall in love we me so fast, I need my space! Plus David said it should take about a year.
Funny, just yesterday at work, someone I asked out “weakly” before (email) a way back, made a point of saying Hi to me even though another guy was hitting on her. This blog came to my mind right away. It’s OK to “re-apply oneself for a position”, as when looking for jobs.
p.s. And Marina, yes, the other coaches are ugly asses
Great Blog David
Sorry guys but I was in heaven the past two days just me and my guy. Ok let you in on a secret of mine. When I am interested in another guy and don’t want to be bothered by someone else I will tell them hey got someone even though I don’t. The actual wrong one watch how fast I get married. Sometimes if you watch the girl long enough you can tell if she is just faking it or actually has a boyfriend. It is ok to be friends with them as long as you don’t put the other person down for it. Their other part I am talking about. I am close friends to a person who has another person. But I was told this about by a guy one time let me see how he put it. You know that the person has someone else it is ok to be their friend and not interfere with their relationship. Then one day the person will think about the certain someone and may end up being with you.
David
You just reminded me of something that I was told back in 1995, by someone else.
My philosophy and teachings and believe me I have seen this happen more than a few times.
Scenario:
There is this guy you like but he has a gf or wife. All of a sudden you have attraction feelings for him then you decide well I will tell him how I feel. Then all of a sudden he back to the person he was with in the beginning.
If a person comes on too strong for the other person it will cause them to stay with that other person. I don’t know what it is but it is like chasing after them. Be there for them and give them comfort and be the shoulder they cry on. It is like being the outside person looking in. You have to have patience and if a person is willing to wait on them you have to listen to what the other person is saying but when they speak bad of the person they are with. Don’t put the person down they are with for when you do you loose. Like the old saying goes when u snooze u loose.
>>>>>I am so booring on paper…
Marina, I love some of your one liners!
>>>>>>>You have to have patience and if a person is willing to wait on them you have to listen to what the other person is saying but when they speak bad of the person they are with. Don’t put the person down they are with for when you do you loose. Like the old saying goes when u snooze u loose.
Sandra: So brilliant, so deep, oh the wisdom:-)
Coach Kimberly is the cutest coach on this planet!
This just happened to a friend of mine-I was standing right there when it happened! A guy approaches, asks for her number, she discloses the bf, and then he ASKED FOR HER NUMBER AGAIN! He looked like the biggest butthead-guys, don’t ever do this as you will come off looking like a complete jerk-now when we see him out and about, he is forever known as butthead.
Dan Uhh Just some of them…I was beginning to think you liked me.. just sitting here for you approval
Written or spoken I have no clue what comes out.
Vince I think we need Horny Liza for a comeback on you thoughts about bringing jello and girls in a cat fight..Sorry not quite up to my own speed yet..
“Oh well, if I don’t have a chance at having sex with you then you aren’t even worth talking to, and all that stuff I already said was just a line”.
lol, my ex said that about a week after we broke up, once he realized that i don’t sleep with my guy friends, i require a little more seriousness about the person i share my “talents” with. i was finally able to delete his number and remove him from my myspace. it was a relief, because he liked weighing me down.
i just laughed really hard at your comment, adam. thanks
RE: This opens up a potential conversation down the road. Two minutes later she will be telling you about the boyfriend that doesn’t appreciate her.
I’m not in favor of this approach. You don’t want to listen to her prattle on about what a jerk her BF is. Unless you want to be her therapist and she’s willing to pay you the standard going rate of 250 per hour. As everyone knows, having sex with your therapist is highly unethical, and you have no chance with her once you assume that role.
Dunga…
You have to know when you are being the therapist or when she’s just sharing her experiences.
It’s OK for her to vent out if she just wants to relate to the topic you brought up… but obviously, you don’t want to have a 30 min talk about her boyfriend… b/c honestly, you probably don’t care.
Never talk about things you don’t care
Cheri – Glad you were able to get a laugh out of it. Good thing you call that guy your ex.
Khiem,
“You have to know when you are being the therapist or when she’s just sharing her experiences.”
Can you explain more about this?
M,
it’s very simple. You are being the therapist when she’s the only one talking and complaining about her past relationship(s) while you listen.
You are being the therapist when you try to fix her after listening to her.
You are being the therapist if you are the first guy she thinks to call when she has issues in her relationship(s).
On the other hand, you are connecting and getting to know each other if you are BOTH having a balanced conversation about your past relationship(s) by relating to each other’s past experiences.
Kheim
I agree but are there fixer upper women also?
Just want to clear the air here…Marina I did mean the competition with the other coaches!!!!! Sorry.. And I’m sure you would win in a jello fight!
Instead of a jello fight how about getting together for some tea…girl power!
Khiem is right about the therapist thing (being one myself). There has to be reciprocity or there becomes a sense of inequality which never feels very balanced….
How about drinks at the pool served by those cute cabana boys of yours….:-)
Have a great weekend
David I like that blog thanks for posting it man I wish I read it sooner now I can try it on!
Khiem:
It may be a matter of preference but I don’t talk about my past relationships at all. With anybody. I can usually figure out what went wrong and how to fix it on my own so I don’t solicit advice very often. At least not IRL. That’s what the Internet is for.
I view people who do so as having more baggage than I want to take on. So I avoid it as a topic of conversation and tend to avoid those who do.
Patti Brown
Come on girl don’t throw in the white towel yet. U have every right to blog here just like I do. Yes there are times when we have our days. But don’t give up. I disappeared also but I said what the fuck I am going to hang in there with the big dogs and guess what I am still hanging in there.
Patti
Nobody has the right to judge you in anyway. I was just getting to know u. Come on what do u say lets keep on helping one another. I have been down that road a time or two if there is an email comment u don’t want to read well just ignore it.
Sandra
If she is not in here she better be with a big dog. Get back on board we found a fun website, sandra is going to report which tecniques are the best.
Marina
At least I gave it a try. Maybe she took what Dan the Original said to heart. I don’t know if u read what he said but the way I interpreted it was he was telling she needed help and that we could not help not even the coaches. Hey I believe he told me the same thing but what I did was ignore him.
I have lady co worker whose husband also work here , in same company, but in different time and department. This lady is of same nationality as I am that is why it was so easy for us to become close to each other. She asked me join her in same table in the lunch room every breaktime. She told me that two ladies sitting besides her speaks in their native language and she need somebody to talk to of her language too. The two ladies are married and nice too. One time my lady co -worker introduced me to her jamaican-canadian husband while we were in the lobby as a new comer and he is also nice.
After two months another guy of same nationality came and join us in the same table. He is married and I think he can relate more to the issues of all married ladies around. One day I decided to join other table with mixed race, two white guys, one chinese guy and an Iranian guy.
Even if I transferred to other table, those ladies from where I sitted before are still close to me and became close to my new group too. The more the merrier.
For more than a year, this lady co worker really shows care to me and to all guys of same nationality as we are by keeping us informed of celebration within their circle of friends. It looks like an advantage to us.
The issue here is that , those guys I had joined for about a year started asking malicious questions like why this lady always pay special attention to me and she changes a lot physically- meaning became more attractive. One white guy even asked if I am the reason for that change.They even asked me if I have her phone number.
I was so pissed off at that time because this issue is so unfair to her, to her husband and to me. I know this is a delicate issue. Right away I explained to them that the way my lady co worker behave is normal to our culture, being hospitable, caring to all of us as with same nationality. About her big change, I told them that this lady had been in a special diet and attending fitness session even before I came to that company. That stop them from bringing up the issue.
I know from the beginning that there was a special attachment between us but I considered it as compatibility in some ways. In the first place she is married to a nice guy. My decision to transfer to other table is a wise decision for a single guy to avoid misconception. We’re still friend and she didn’t know what happen.
Marina
Before I let Dan the Original off the hook did I see anywhere the word coach in front of his name.
lionking
there are people in life that will assume just about anything. you did the right thing by going to another table. in other words they should not talk about something they know nothing about.
Scenario
Say if this guy goes to see a woman at her apartment and they spend some time together and go out on a ride and come back how much do u want to bet before the sunsets someone has said I bet they had a wonderful night or had sex. but these two could be innocent as newborn babies. how do they know they don’t have the eyes of God.
People will make up things as they go just to have something to gossip about the following day.
Lionking – don’t be pissed off because they asked if you were the reason for the woman looking good. They are KIDDING and seeing if they get a rise out of you – which they apparently did! That’s guy humor in this part of the world – they can be fairly mean to each other and it’s usually a bonding thing that us women roll our eyes at. Your answer should be a condescending “PLEEEASE – she married, dude!” and blow it off. They ask if you have her number only because they are doing their own form of social networking by asking their work buds for a little help! Just smile and say that her husband wouldn’t appreciate it. You don’t have to defend her honor.
That’s it – don’t take it personally for yourself or on behalf of your friend. You don’t have to change tables but it IS good to mix it up from time to time. And you could probably learn a few more deflecting tips so that it doesn’t get to you and you don’t appear to others like a touchy, thin-skinned guy. Everyone should have an asshole in their circle of acquaintance just to remind you how NOT to go/be/act. I have a couple of cousins that fill my need for that…incredible jerks.
I come from an extremely diverse place (especially for a small town), went to a big university with totally different ethnic and international students in a very liberal white city, and now I’m in a big company with another very diverse employee population and an even larger international customer base. I see these misunderstandings all the time so don’t think that I’m picking on you. And by the way, it’s not peculiar to your culture. Many married women in the workplace tend to ‘mother’ the single men in their groups – especially if they have siblings or children that age or with the same challenges. Shared culture or a shared appreciation for another culture is a common binding element – even within a country. Look at how much Sandra loves her fellow hillbillies…(kidding, Sandra!). Just keep getting out there and trying new ways to connect.
K
The lady is of same age as I am so it cannot be a mother to single guy relationship. I think the issue was so sensitive that may cause life threatening situation that’s why I became too protective of myself.
If looks can kill how much more words from asshole’ s mouth but I like your approach reagarding the issue seems so cool to hear and will not appear over reaction. I think you attended an anger management seminar.
It’s not always about age or being the same age. I’m saying that married women (or single mothers for that matter) tend to be more nurturing of single men than single women with no children. Trust me, my friends and co-workers are ALL over this behavior! They feel more free to be this way because they can. A single woman has more risks doing this because the man could misinterpret it as a way of flirting.
Me – anger management? No, but at work we frequently show each other e-mail replies that we received where we take offense and we want an impartial opinion of whether of not we’re being over-sensitive…maybe we’re just having a bad day and everything feels like a criticism or a jab or maybe the other person is having a bad day and was a little brusk. We know that we may get over-sensitive about certain subjects and we rely on each other to keep ourselves in line. No one wants to be known as the crybaby and to get in trouble with management.
i’m kind of in a similar situation. i’ve known this girl for a little over a year. there is a generation gap between us (i’m 28, she’s almost 21). right after I realized I liked her, she started dating this douchebag, dumped him a few months later after he decided it was a great idea to cheat on her.
she then dates the rebound guy. nicer guy, but going nowhere in life. dumps him a couple weeks later. then we don’t do anything all summer. i then invited her to a UF game. she went along. first thing she did when she saw me was told me how good i look (i lost some weight). then hung out with her again a couple weeks later. she told me I made her feel really good. she also said i can be mean but funny about it. then hung out a couple more times. I invited her to this Halloween dance a friend of mine was putting on, she said yes, got sick, and had to cancel. then another few months goes by. turned out she kinda dated someone again, but he was too needy (called her eight times in a day at one point).
finally, i see her before my birthday. i had a couple small things i picked up for her for x-mas (like i do for a lot of people). as soon as i picked her up, she told me again how good i looked. we just drove around for about an hour. i flirted with her a bit and used a little kino which she went along with. i kissed her on the cheek at night’s end, which isn’t much of a big deal i know but it was the first time i did it with her. she was cool with it (seemingly) and talked to me online like normal. it’s hard to meet with her often since i work FT and am in grad school. she works and she’s been getting sick a lot often (damn florida bi-polar weather)!
now she’s dating someone again. i think part of it is i refuse to be the rebound. but this article made me think since her relationships with guys she just met don’t seem to last. thoughts?
long time sincer anyone posted but I’m a kind of a similar case.I met this cute girl at a highschool project.We fliterd,I found out her ID and we talked but she was very straightforward.I mean she said that I’m hot, she likes me on more than one level and so on but she thinks it’s now worth it to breake up with “a good boyfriend and relationship” for me because she sees me as a guy that gets boored easy.She won’t even come on a date with me because she feels that she would cheat. I talked to her online but I don’t want to.I say you can’t know a person online,she thinks you can.
I don’t really know what to do.I got her phone numer(not from her) and I know where she lives.Don’t know maybe I should just go to her one evening and call her to come out.I don’t wanna say anything else online,really.
She said i’m unique,i’m hot i’m that and that.But she gives me all this bullshit about how she thinks that maybe she won’t feel atracted to me in a couple of days or weeks and doesn’t want to break up with her boyfriend,she doesn’t want to risk. I quote”I don’t follow instincts, that’s what whores do” . What could I have said to that?
Mike
After reading this post and the previous post ‘friend to boyfriend’ I was inclined to post.
So, here’s some background info on my situation: This girl I have been interested in has a boyfriend that lives hourse away
So, I have done almost all of the things suggested in both posts. I build my friendship with her, complimented her, been agressive, and have been upfront with my feelings and with what I want. She eventaully got to that point where she ‘broke’ up with their boyfriend and we ended up expressing our romantic interest in each other.
My problem is, is that she doesn’t know how to let go if this other guy, who, by the way, lives very far away. I continue to be kind but also agressive with my feelings and she sends me signals back all the time. Then I learn today she is ‘back’ with him.
Is she just holding on to him because she is fearful she will be alone her and I am the fill-in when they don’t visit each other?
Should I Express my feelings more bluntly i she continues to flirt with me or should I be weary of her intentions?
or…..maybe,as John Lennon put it: “I’m just a jealous guy”
This is a great post. Thanks!
this is probably the best blog I’ve ever read! You have given me a great asset