Shut the Hell Up… and Learn
February 6, 2009 
29 Comments
So you’re in a conversation with some people, and the conversation is not going in your direction. Perhaps it’s about something that you don’t know much about, or something that you don’t understand – or it’s just about something that you’re not passionate about.
When you’re in this situation, you get frustrated. As the conversation progresses and gets more and more heated, you start to panic. You feel the need to somehow swing the conversation in your direction.
So you either change the topic – which is a mistake, because you just needlessly killed a great conversation – or you feel driven to say something totally stupid.
Here’s what I tell guys who find themselves in that situation: it’s a great time to shut up and learn.
Life repeats itself nonstop. Twenty days later you may find yourself in that same conversation again. This time, you’ll know what to say. You’ll be able to add your opinion and provide interesting facts. Remember, knowledge is power.
When I’m in a situation where I don’t know what is going on, I shut up. I allow myself to listen and learn. I don’t try to add in clever comments just to stay in the game.
To stay in the conversation, I do look at the person speaking and show my interest in what they are saying. I direct my body language to the speaker, keep my eyes open and stay engaged. I’m enjoying the conversation; I’m having fun (even if I can’t contribute to the topic.)
The most important thing is to drop your ego. Your ego is what makes you think, how can I get this conversation in my direction? In reality, often that strong, silent type wins!
And twenty minutes later, you can pull the woman in the conversation aside and say to her, “That was really fascinating. I had no idea about the depth of the economic shakedown,” or whatever it might be. “I had no clue. Did you know all of that stuff? Are you passionate about that stuff?” In this way, you can bring the conversation back into your realm.
You have to learn that knowledge is key. Knowledge is the key to everything you do in life.
It’s all right to be silent. It’s all right to say that you don’t know about a topic. It’s great to listen!
Todays video explores why all men are 18.
usually when I don’t understand what is being said I start bullshitting. problem is most people don’t call me out on th bs because I’m so well trained. oh well.
This brings up a very important point, esp. for thew guys.
In order to be able to build rapport or vibe with somebody, you have to listen to what they are saying. You won’t get anywhere with a woman, any woman, unless your conversation is on the same wavelength.
The art of listening, indeed a lost art in what has to me become ADD Nation, is vitally important.
Apropos to what a.movie said, instead of bullshitting, why not try instead asking a facilitating or open ended question? It conveys interest and a willingness to listen. It also keeps you in control of a situation by allowing you to evaluate the other person–if they start rambling or ranting, you can preemptively eject and save yourself a lot of wasted time and grief.
This blog reminded me of a great quote:
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. -Abraham Lincoln
Sometimes listening to yourself is the hardest thing to do.
Re: All men are 18
Guilty as charged!
When I was a kid and then up to a certain age, I had a thing for girls who were older than me. Now it’s reversed and my interests are going backwards in age. I’m not as bad as Kevin Spacey’s character in American Beauty, which was a bit creepy. Still, I love college girls. And yes, they need to be 21. There’s a Jimmy Buffet song which says, “I go for younger women, lived with several a while…”
Am I looking in futility for someone younger I can have a long relationship with who is compatible with me?
Here is who I am NOT looking for:
24/7/365 Paris Hilton wannabe party girls.
Girls/Women who can outdrink and outcuss me. The kind that could make a sailor blush
and who also has various tattoos in obvious places and also where you don’t know until too late.
And drug addicts, and those with tons of psychological/emotional baggage that would make her the gf or wife from hell.
Give me a pretty 21-27 yr old with intellect, class, and maturity. A non-smoker and light to non-drinker. I’ve found a few, and guess what, story of my life, they’re all either married or dating someone else. David, any desirable girl i’ve ever known who was at least a 7 on up has always been dating someone else. See a beautiful girl at the supermarket? It’s like a scientific law of nature that she is already with someone. One comes to mind immediately who I really like. Beautiful girl, very sweet; she’s at least a 9. A college senior a few months from G-day. And they’ll probably be engaged any day now like a couple who are friends of theirs. Her bf is a good man. He’s cool, a stand-up guy like the kind you’d like to hang out with and watch football. I’m just tired, real tired of being jealous all my life and watching all the good ones, get away.
Marina – That same quote came to mind myself as I was reading this. I also knew a guy who used to say “Take the cotton out of your ears and stick it in your mouth!”. Not the most diplomatic way to make his point, but his point is valid.
In addition to listening I think one of the best skills someone can have is a strong memory. A strong memory will help you be successful in all aspects of your life, and contrary to what some people think it is something that you can learn and improve on. As it relates to this blog if you go into listen mode, but lack the memory of the conversation later, then it doesn’t do much good. I’m going to an event this evening where I won’t know anyone there and I won’t know much about the topic at hand, so this blog is rather timely for me. I’ll go into listen mode, learn, and maybe will only have to wait for a point later in the evening to bring up some nugget I learn in conversation from earlier in the evening. I hope everyone has a nice weekend!
This happens to me a lot. I listen but I fail to admit that I don’t know very much about a subject. I really like the idea admitting of not knowing something as a way to connect to other people.
Thanks David!
Oh yeah, I also make the mistake of trying to change the subject. Which ALWAYS gets ignored as if they were air words. It has taken me a little while to be comfortable not knowing everything.
Phew. I guess I’m doing alright. I was in a conversation with two girls and doing good for an hour until they started going off about girl stuff and I was lost. I did the shut up and learn thing, but felt like an idiot just sitting there, but now that I think of it, I couldn’t have contributed, and I would have looked like an even bigger idiot throwing out random comments just to “stay in the game” as you said. I think I might have read this on your blog, if not, I read it somewhere recently: “Wise men speak because they have something to say; idiots speak because they think they have to say something.”
Seriously, when I get stuck, I listen and learn. And I always try and ask questions, especially ones that I think they might not have heard before.
i’m still single.
I agree about listening rather than trying to talk all the time. The way I see it is that even if the other person is the only one conversing, they’re still reacting to you in some way, which is always a good thing.
Love it David- Life so repeat itself, that is why i am a proud parrot, i will listen, and then i parrot it in my own words. And our ego loves to get in the way to prove people that we know something when we don’t really know shit. So listening is so darn important. When women say that men don’t listen (except for DW- clients), they’re so darn right!!
Dunga – It’s not just the art of listening that’s been lost – it’s the art of good conversation: REAL give and take…the kind where a true exchange happens (and I’m not talking about crap that belongs on a psychiatrist’s couch). Now so many encounters are just another episode of ‘short attention span theater” filling every spare moment with drivel. Being in the moment is often enough by itself, no comment necessary.
Hey Dave,
What a great one. I find myself over and over in this kind of conversations and it freaked me out. Now thatgives me a whole new view on the issue – that listening to conversations I know nothing about can be fun and rewarding. Plus, it’s good to realize that just sitting there and listening doesn’t make you a dumb person. Interfering in a weird way does make you look like a dumbass.
People like to talk about things they know about, about their world. So does each one of us. But if we kick back and let the other person talk and listen interestedly, that will make the other person feel good.
I have been told these things silence is golden. If listen you will learn more. If you talk to much you will give your game away. Listening to someone that has something to say is a good thing but I have a bad habit of playing butinski. Or coming in at the but end of the conversation but when I want to say something the people have already finished talking about the subject. But first hand is better than second hand and what I am talking about is this: tell someone something about yourself: yourself knows about the firsthand for they have lived but secondhand person will tell it all wrong. So that is why when someone tells me something I keep it to myself for it is not my tale to tell.
Sandra,
My dad told me one “women are meant to be seen, not heard”. Now this blog is confusing me…
It has been my experience, that a man can go up to a woman and say, “hi,” and she will “babble” untill the end of time, if, she hasn’t been hurt/jaded/tainted/abused etc..
J Dude
My dad knows a loser when he sees one. And there are guys who think they are better than women when it comes to driving. Wreck your car and see what happens to the woman who drove it. She better had died in that one just to keep his mouth shut. I know I was blamed for a motorcycle wreck and the the guy that was driving the bike threaten to beat the shit out of me. Now do u classify yourself as one of these guys. Mr Perfect know no sin.
David, this is so true. Guys think they need to control the interaction at all times to have attraction. But the very need to control kills it.
Then again,,,,some women are so attracted to you that, they don’t say much…..
Sandra look out for motorcycles, while driving.
Hunter
Like myself I don’t know what to talk about for if I first meet you I don’t know you. So some guys will talk to me about anything just to get the conversation going. Then I will have them calling me honey, sweetheart and etc. Or even patting me on the shoulder, walking beside me with their arm around my waist.
Hunter
Since that accident there are times I am gunshy of a curve even when someone else is driving. He misjudged the curve when he gave it the gas. Then afterwards he told me it was no accident and that he had been drinking while driving the bike. I am very cautious when I see others on motorbikes for I myself was a passenger.
Sandra, I am confused, over your motorcycle story. You were a passenger, yet, you were accused of causing the traffic accident?
Sandra,
You don’t know what to say when you first meet someone? You have me fooled on this website, ’cause you have a lot to say. Women have told me, take your arm off of me, and I am not your sweetheart/honey.
Hunter
It is a long story with a sad ending my ex was driving and he lost control in the curve and the bike fell on us it gave me a permanent ankle bracelet and almost got my archilles tendon.
Just wondering about your story, ’cause, I remember almost causing a car collision, I was the passenger, I had may hand between her legs, and the car was in reverse.
hunter
omg–o my god u did not. but i am thankful that neither one of you were hurt.
Another thought about listening. If you are in a conversation and the other person is talking, many of you that get in contact with me mention that you are already thinking of the next thing to say whilst the other person is still talking. The problem with this is that when the person stops talking and the conversation is then over to you the response you will give will not totally harmonise with their last words and therfore you break rapport and even worse your not actually being PRESENT in the conversation..which is a big turn off to anyone. If someone is talking, the respectfull thing to do is to listen. The thing is, because most people are so self obsessed with themselves and what other people think of them that doing this simple excercise can be hard.
I CHALLENGE YOU that with the next 5 people you talk to that you be totally present with them. Dont stare at them, but truely listen to them and stop thinking about yourself. You will find that people and especially the girls will love to talk to you and they will open up to you like never before. We go into more detail in the membership site but for now get out there and stop talking…
The art of great conversation is equally about talking as it is about the times when you dont talk.
Try this now and get back to me…