Sexual Inexperience
June 9, 2010 
11 Comments
I really thought this was a great subject, and one I haven’t tackled in a long time. Here is an email I just received from a woman:
“Dear David,
My self-confidence is really a problem. I’m 42 years old, never married, and very inexperienced with sex. Other stuff not a problem. I’ve had long relationships in my past and those guys were okay with it. Plus, I was younger and many of those guys were not interested in becoming fathers then either.
I made a choice to not risk an unwanted pregnancy in my 20s and 30s in conjunction with my personal beliefs and values. When guys did try to have sex with me, it was not in the context of a relationship. I had reached a point where I just wanted to know what it was like, and I’m sure I did not learn a lot from that.
While I’m not worried about it now as I have no intention of sleeping with someone just to enjoy dating, I want to know a man’s take on discovering this about a woman, especially later in life.
Anonymous”
This email at first kind of threw me. There are so many different religious beliefs about sexual intercourse, and I think they are very very antiquated. I really do.
I think sex is a wonderful thing. I think sex between two consenting adults is a wonderful thing. There are so many kinds of birth control out there nowadays that you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant.
I really truly believe that sexual experience is just a great thing to have, and that it’s great to explore and learn about your own sexuality. This woman is 42 years old, and she’s missed a lot of years of great sex due to her personal beliefs.
My advice to this woman, and to anybody in a similar situation and point in their life, is to really just explore sex and enjoy it. Tell men that you’re inexperienced, but that you’re willing to learn. Be open to the experience.
If I was with a woman who said she was very sexually inexperienced, I wouldn’t judge her at all. I would just enjoy it, teach her and explore her sexuality with her.
So if you truly want to learn about men and how to have great sex, this is how you do it. You need to just be honest with them. If you’re honest, then things will be great.
This is a really interesting topic. Guys, what are your thoughts on this? Have you known women who are really sexually inexperienced?
To the women, have any of you waited your whole life for the right man to come along, he hasn’t shown up, and now you’re in your 40′s with little or no sexual experience? What do you do about this situation?
I would love to hear from all of you on this.
Better late than never.
~
A girl I know once asked me out of the blue if I was a virgin.
I replied yes at the time. I wonder if that might be one of the reasons that she doesn’t want to go out on a date with me, because she still thinks that if things were to progress to ssx, that I would be inexperienced in that area. Although I doubt that, lol.
It is often said that women want men with “experience”.
Another girl asked me the same question, and I said:”Yes, and I intend to stay a virgin untill the day I die. That one place is off limits”. She started laughing.
I believe that “virginity” is just a concept for men. Its not real. Either you have sexual experience or you lack it.
I once saw a movie “American beauty” starring Mena Suvari, the girl from American Pie. In that movie, she plays this girl who talks big about how sexually experienced she is. When she finally gets to have sex with her friend’s father, she tells him to go gentle because she is still a virgin.
Some people just like to talk big. I know some in my personal life that do. Talking big and not living up to it is dissapointing for the other person. Better to just do your own thing.
What do you all think about people who just talk big and do not live up to their words?
This is a simple subject. It makes no difference how sexually experienced either of you are, IF THEIR IS CHEMISTRY. That is the only key. If you find someone and have that instant spark and butterfly feeling, the sex will come naturally and you will both be happy just being in the same bed together, exploring all the things you can do. The more experienced will teach the less, or you will naturally learn together. Sexual experience is of no matter. If it really does matter that much to you, then you are shallow and immature. Chemistry, and the wanting to be together, is all that matters.
From a Christian point of view, one only has to look at Song of Songs, to know that it can be considered one of the most sacred and wondrous acts of love- within marriage of course from this perspective.
I recently saw the ABC documentary, Secrets to Love, and understood a whole lot more about sex and commitment issues (from science and social science perspectives). Unfortunately I haven’t seen this video still showing however a summary is available. The actual act of sex raises certain hormones in our body resulting in men enjoying the experience and women imagining marriage and babies…..
To the writer of the letter, I say ‘go within’ – you already know the answer for you. If you meet someone and want to explore and feel safe with him, then of course you are an adult and can do that.
From years of counseling women I also am aware that most often unless that is within a committed relationship, the event itself (even if it was really enjoyable at the time) is tarnished soon after. Regret is an emotion that can be avoided.
If on the other hand you choose to change your mindset and attract your true love, then the rest will take of itself!!!!
i am 18, not religious and have no sexual experience. being so young i’m not looking for a serious realtionship because i feel like there’s so much to learn from different people that there’s no need to commit to just one. however, i feel that i am finally ready to explore my sexuality with someone i trust to take things slow. i have a lot of respect for myself so i’m not going to be ‘sleeping around’ but i think that society has taught me to feel guilty for wanting to explore this without being in a long-term relationship. does anyone else understand this?
I’m 19, and i’m a virgin, i’ve had only one girlfriend, i had quite some girls who i could slept with, but i just feel like i should wait to that “magical night” with the person i love, what do you think?
I am a late 20-something yr old woman who has never been in a serious relationship with a man and am a virgin (Ive dated and ‘hooked up’ but never had sex). The primary reason is that up until this point, I’ve wanted to meet the right guy, fall in love, and experience sex within the context of a truly loving relationship. Unfortunately, having not met the right guy yet and feeling more and more dismal at the prospect of not meeting him, this hope of mine has not become a reality as friends of mine have coupled up and gotten married. I fear being the 40 yr old virgin, but at the same time, I still believe that sex is something that should be shared with someone you love, and ideally, the person you are married to. I think the problem is that men no longer value women who want to wait until marriage because the majority of women are sleeping around in non-committed relationships. Why would a guy want to wait to have sex with me in a loving, committed relationship when he can readily have sex with the majority of single women?
THe fact is that the promiscuity in society is making it difficult for those who do value the nature of sex and want to wait until marriage. In our grandparent’s generation, it was considered immoral for a woman to have pre-marital sex, but I think it’s no coincidence that the majority of people in our grandparents generation wanted to get married, remained married and value their marriages waaaay more than our generation who don’t have a clue on how to preserve a loving relationship. It’s sad, in my opinion, that women like me feel worried that we may not find the loving relationships and get married, so in order to have sex/intimacy, we’re going to have to compromise our values. I agree with Joan Rivers who jokes but also means quite literally that women have screwed themselves into the ground with the womens’ movement… all its really done is created a society where people have non-committed sex with multiple sex partners and the rate of STDS going through the roof
I am a late 20-something yr old woman who has never been in a serious relationship with a man and am a virgin (Ive dated and ‘hooked up’ but never had sex). The primary reason is that up until this point, I’ve wanted to meet the right guy, fall in love, and experience sex within the context of a truly loving relationship. Unfortunately, having not met the right guy yet and feeling more and more dismal at the prospect of not meeting him, this hope of mine has not become a reality as friends of mine have coupled up and gotten married. I fear being the 40 yr old virgin, but at the same time, I still believe that sex is something that should be shared with someone you love, and ideally, the person you are married to. I think the problem is that men no longer value women who want to wait until marriage because the majority of women are sleeping around in non-committed relationships. Why would a guy want to wait to have sex with me in a loving, committed relationship when he can readily have sex with the majority of single women?
THe fact is that the promiscuity in society is making it difficult for those who do value the nature of sex and want to wait until marriage. In our grandparent’s generation, it was considered immoral for a woman to have pre-marital sex, but I think it’s no coincidence that the majority of people in our grandparents generation wanted to get married, remained married and value their marriages waaaay more than our generation who don’t have a clue on how to preserve a loving relationship. It’s sad, in my opinion, that women like me feel worried that we may not find the loving relationships and get married, so in order to have sex/intimacy, we’re going to have to compromise our values. I agree with Joan Rivers who jokes but also means quite literally that women have screwed themselves into the ground with the womens’ movement… all its really done is created a society where people have non-committed sex with multiple sex partners and the rate of STDS going through the roof…if women stopped having sex before marriage, I think we’d see a radical change (and a positive one at that) in dating… men and women would be more concerned about finding the right person for a long term relationship and marriage, not in gratifying their sexual needs and then moving on when that person no longer excites them… I believe men would again try to court women, the way that it should be, and not women trying desperately to hold a man’s attention…. but unfortunately, things wont change and so women like me who do have values will suffer as a consequence
I was curious about this topic as to why a guy I was interested in just stop communicating with me. I’m 30 and have not been fully intimate with a guy. I was dating a guy in his late 20s, and thought things were going great (enjoying each others company: movies, dinners, theme parks and just hanging out). I really was looking forward to having my full intimate experience with him. When it came down to it after he had me in the “mood” he completely stopped. I was preparing myself for him to continue, but he said he couldn’t (and no he is not sexually inexperienced). There was another time when the “mood” was right again and the same thing happened. Is my lack of sexual experience the reason why communication stopped? Do most men want a sexually experienced woman? I feel that this really messed up what could have been a great relationship.
I feel like I have to say something to gina because its hard to go through an experience like that with a guy you like so much and then have him reject you (thats how it feels) but if there’s anything I’ve learned from david it would be to recognize you didn’t do anything wrong not being more sexually experienced and nothing was your fault. I can’t speak for the guy but obviously he just wasn’t for you but please don’t blame yourself!! Love yourself!! believe in who you are! and do what david suggested for the person he wrote his post about
take care!
I am a virgin and female, 31, men mostly ignore me in public. I never been asked on a date. I am quiet and keep to myself. I have no idea how to get dates and not the type to go up to them and say something randomly. So I just accept being alone and being a virgin. I don’t care about missing ‘years of great sex’ as this author put it. I don’t want to get fu*ked by random guys — it’s not my thing but to each his own. I am mostly afraid of men and don’t trust them so w/e if I die a virgin, oh well.