I’m on my way to get a haircut this morning. Driving in Los Angeles, as all of you know, is such a pleasure. It seems like when you’re running a few minutes late that people want to make you even later. Now, I’m not Speedy Gonzales, but c’mon . . . at least drive the speed limit!
Los Angeles is not laid back anymore. Too many people live here. It’s overpopulated. It’s just not laid back anymore.
When you’re late, though, you seem to get absolutely everybody on the road. So as I’m writing this blog while I’m driving through traffic (because that is one of the skills I’ve mastered), I have a question for all of you.
If you’re driving in the left lane going 20 mph and in your rear view mirror you see 40 cars piled up behind you, do you you know that the courteous thing to do is move over into the right lane and let those 40 cars get to their appointments? If you’re on the phone leaning your head on the car window as you’re driving, do you realize that the car is not your living room?
The rear view mirror was invented so that you can see all the angry people behind you. The blinker was invented so people know you’re going to turn and can slow down or change lanes. The horn was invented to wake the idiot up in front of you who is writing a blog and refuses to go at a green light.
Not to mention, in California the lights aren’t timed so you have the pleasure of sitting at lights all the time. Oh, and if you’re going to give someone a dirty look then at least be man (or woman) enough to take off your sunglasses so I can see your eyes when you give it.
Aren’t you glad you were with my on my ride to the haircut? Let’s move on too today’s lovely topic of manipulation.
There is no way to manipulate your way into a relationship. It’s funny. Almost anytime someone comes to see me for advice, they will say something like “I want to get advice from the master” and expect to get some super-complicated, almost magical technique for how to do things. What I inevitably give them is something simple and easy.
You’ve been vibing with someone and having great chemistry with them. You want to keep that going. Men and women always think, however, that there’s some special Houdini-like trick they have to know how to do to make that happen.
They will ask me, “How do I get her to like me? What should I say at that moment?” They ask these questions even though at the moment they are having amazing chemistry with, and getting along perfectly with, someone.
They do that because their past has conditioned them to do it. They remember things not working out in their past and, based upon that, they do everything they can not to repeat it.
So they start to think about how they don’t want to make any of those past mistakes with this person, and they believe that there must be some Houdini-like magic trick they can do to make things with this person perfect. In reality, though, the only magic trick I can give anyone is to remain 100% present.
The only reason why a relationship works out is because you have two people who refuse to go backwards. They just remain present in the present moment.
They’re not future thinking, and they’re not past thinking. They are just enjoying and embracing the moment, and when they are done connecting in that moment they take that warm feeling and they go create another moment.
Thinking about the phone call or text that may or may not come the next day. Thinking about phone calls or texts that didn’t come from someone in your past.
The minute you allow yourself to go to “pastland” or “futureland” is the minute you will start to think there must be some type of magic Houdini trick to make your current relationship work. This kind of thinking is all fueled by your past programming.
Here’s the true magic: Future thinkers never succeed, and past thinkers always fail because they stumble over the same issues over and over again. If you watched last season’s episodes of the show Lost, you would see that traveling to the past never makes things better. Every time you go back into the past, you’re not in the present and you will never make the present work.
Can I get an “AMEN”?
AMEN Queen Linday;)
Great timing with this reminder, David, and I promise to just “enjoy and embrace the moment” next time I’m talking to my crush.
So many people judge and judge and judge a man that they did not know personally.
His daughter had to defend him at his funeral.
Really touching but sums up how we stick our nose in others business.
I agree, being in the present moment is very important. I also agree that there is no one magic trick to make relationships suddenly better or to manipulate someone to like you.
However, I do think that there can be almost “magical” moments of revelation on how to make relationships better over all by understanding more about them. One such moment occurred to me when I had just broken up with my girlfriend in frustration and moved from Finland to USA. On the plane I was reading a book: Mars & Venus: Together Forever and as I gained some insights to how men and women are different in a positive complementary way my relationships from that day on has almost magically been better.
I look forward to learning more about your products and information!
so if good chemistry is there you just keep up with it and not try and look too far ahead?
that makes sense that you would try to take things one step at a time.
The best thing to help from past mistakes is self-awareness. Knowing what didn’t work and why. That allows for new choices of actions, words and overall communication.
I love the LOST metaphor
And yes, Jackson have been distorted by the media and sought after from gold-diggers who saw an opportunity (although in the beginning he DID start his own rumours/gossip). Its too sad I didn’t know the whole story and get the chance to relish his music while he was alive.
wygant fan–well put. Yes, why project too much into the future when you have something good in the present. Sometimes focusing or projecting on what the future should or might be takes away from the present relationship and can even sabotage it.
The past is history, the future is now. The ability to absorb and appreciate the beauty every second will amaze you on how much opportunity exists.
Hello,
I’ve been following your blog for a while. I think its brilliant. I have tried some of your advise and I think you have some great tips.
I own the blog Dating Advice Gathered and I would love to feature you in it. Though I never add a RSS feed to my blog without a written consent.
If it is okej with you that I add you please leave a comment on my site saying its okej.
Or send me an email.
I like the way you wrote this david ” Every time you go back into the past, you’re not in the present and you will never make the present work.”
very true and real..
wish i’d seen this one sooner! it could’ve been written for me. i tend to look back at
what’s already happened, and ahead expecting that to happen again. just had a
conversation with someone i’ve been dating that seems now like a tape that’s been
played before. it just wasn’t my tape that was played. our present has been good,
then she seems worried about things in her past and how that should affect our
future. makes now sort of disappear.
i’m going to just not dwell on it & see if that doesn’t make now better than yesterday
or tomorrow.
I dont live in the past… i dont live in the future. The reason why for me is that i believe that once you start down that path you let your present be less than you desire, for you are looking to something else anyway.
Just my two cents
pua
I totally agree with being in the ‘present’ with your relationship. However, when is it acceptable to look at the relationship to question if it is going to progress? At some point a person needs to make a decision about whether to continue to wait on things to move forward or accept the fact it will not and move on – no matter how much they love the other person. My personal situation has been to date someone for 3 years and we have been at the same ‘place’ for approximately the last 2 or so. It’s not going significantly forward or backward. I am ready to be his life – partner, not just his gf. We spend alot of time traveling between residences that could be better spent relaxing together if we resided in the same place. We eat dinner very late most evenings we are together due to duplicate responsibilities/chores that have to be satisified at each home. Instead of relaxing for a few hours together before going to bed, we are scrambling to get everything done and end up getting to sleep very late. As you can imagine, this takes some of the ‘fun’ out of the relationship. It appears to have a negative affect on our sex life, also. It’s like being married, only seperate! – and without any of the benefits.
So – at what point in a situation do you ‘look ahead’ in order to decide about your personal future? I want someone to be my partner and share my life with – not just be a gf forever. And, noone wants to find out they have invested years of their life in a relationship to one day get ‘the talk’ that the other person has decided to move on to something/someone new. Comments? Suggestions?
I am now getting caught up on the blogs…But driving in traffic just going through thoughts of the day. The ones I would like to dodge are the negative ones.