The #1 Cause Of Relationship Anxiety
August 19, 2009 
41 Comments
The other night during dinner I came up with a quote I want you to read:
“Embrace change at my own pace.”
I embrace change at my own pace.
You need to really take that statement in and listen to what it’s saying. How many times in a relationship have you talked to someone and given them your point of view, and then expected them to just react right away?
Let’s say you’re dating someone and you’ve been talking a little here and there about moving in together. Then you say to the other person that you want to move in with them and you list all the reasons why it’s a good idea. Do you then expect the other person to immediately respond with an answer? Do you get angry if they don’t immediately react and respond?
So many of us spend so much time wanting people to react the way we react. We want them to react exactly how we react and do it when we want them to do it.
Think about this from a little different perspective. When you are in a relationship and decide you’re ready to bring up a really important subject with your partner, you have almost always spent a lot of time thinking about and processing that topic before you actually bring it up.
Your partner, however, is just hearing about that topic for the first time when you raise it with them, and they haven’t had the benefit of being able to process the subject like you have. So don’t expect them to be ready to respond in that instance.
So many of us spend so much time wanting people to react the way we react. Then if and when they don’t react in that exact way, we start freaking out and playing mind games with ourselves.
I am equally guilty of that. In my relationship, sometimes I will have a conversation with my girlfriend and I’ll say something to her to which I want an answer that day. When I do this, she always says to me, “Give me time. Let me react in my own time.”
So many of us make assumptions. We hear what we want to hear. How many times do you have selective hearing?
Say you call someone on a Saturday. They don’t call you back that day . . . or the next one. Do you text them three times asking, “How come you haven’t called me back? Why aren’t you calling me back?” Perhaps they didn’t have their phone on them.
How many times to do you send an email to someone at 10:00 a.m. and, if you don’t get a response by noon, you send another email asking “How come you never responded to my email?” Allow people to respond on their own time.
When you allow people to respond on their own time you are not only going to get the response you desire (because the answer will come from their heart), but it’s going to be a real response and not a forced one.
People suffocate each other all the time, and they don’t allow each other the space they each need to reflect on these “heavy” conversation topics. When we do that, it’s a reflection of the lack of trust and faith in both the other person and in yourself. That instant gratification you want really can ruin a relationship, because you are forcing someone to answer you when they are not ready.
There is no reason to force people into answering when they’re not ready. There is no reason to make someone say something they’re not ready to say.
Have some patience in life. The more patient you are in a relationship, the greater a relationship with someone will be. So many of you ruin relationships that could potentially be great because of the way you force it.
If you give people time, then a relationship will grow and become exactly what you need it to be. You need to have trust and faith, because neurosis will just drive people crazy.
In today’s podcast, I talk more about communication and about how bringing up these heavy conversation topics can create fear and anxiety in all of us. Then I go into how to relax and feel better about talking out the tough times in your life with friends, relationship partners and business associates. This is one you don’t want to miss!
Click here to listen now:
Also, if you want to learn how to completely transform your mindset and learn how to become a master communicator in your dating and relationship life, then be sure to check out my Men’s Mastery Series and my Women’s Mastery Series.
love the podcasts i am learning alot from them, i am better person because of them
No exceptions is the key here. Your loved can’t always read your mind, I think its really important to give other person the time to really take in what you suggested!
I really enjoy listening to the Wednesday podcast, every Wednesday is my favorite day of the blog, doesn’t mean every other day is not good, but i just like the extra podcast on Wednesday:)
hahahha that’s so funny, we have a triplet on the blog today.
Jason, Julia, and John- are you guys related, or into orgy:)
sorry howe not into orgy:)
I prefer one woman at a time.
howe-
you are getting better at the observational exercises, and orgy:)
focus on today’s topic howe:)
CJ- sorry lost my mind in the gutter for minute, but now focused:)
Howe-
Never experienced that in life, however i do have some friends who loves it.
have you experienced it or wanted to?
btw…..howe Julia doesn’t mean it with her, but with someone else LOL
This may sound little random but where are the charlies angles?
Julia- I never did, but i have to say i am open about it.
Jimmi- if i ever meet you in person, i would love to kick your ass:)
Great podcast thanks, and sharing the love with everyone as you asked!
who are the charlies angle
Sandra and Marina:)
come back Sandra and Marina miss the fun exchange of comments!
Super relevant topic to bring up and discuss considering how fast we communicate these days. If it isn’t by texting, calling, tweet, facebook, email, blog, etc… I think we have set ourselves up for being guilty of wanting an immediate response. David, thanks for bringing this topic up. I find that when I just chill out and wait to hear back or respond, I am more genuine. I don’t think we can smother people into liking us anyways. Have a great day everyone!
You bring up a great topic today about communication. Its so important to see the world from both side of the coin instead of having big ego everything my way type of thing.
Today’s blog just hits me in the gut about last weekend’s bad communication with a woman, but hey lesson learned, and live goes on.
Thanks!
Just added you on facebook looking forward to chat!
when a girl rejects me i could care less anymore but i still can’t talk to them
I am amazed that despite the topic orgies came up today — for two reasons. One, I imagine an orgy couldn’t be more different than taking the time to really communicate. Two, I have a friend who is hell bent on having a threesome with me. She wants to go on the prowl to find a guy and everything!
I am a very sexual gal — but I don’t know if I can handle a threesome. Especially with a random stranger involved.
How did we get so far off topic?
i don’t know but how do i go up and talk to a girl if i get nervous around them and can never talk to them, i end up staring at them and never go over and talk to them. How do i work on that?
David, yours howe started it with orgy talk.
Hi David.
Could you offer these recordings for download?
That way I could save them and put them onto my ipod. I would be able to listen to them when I’m walking.
Thanks.
Crystal,
stop blaming Howe, hé cant help himself. Hé will correlate anything into something sexual. Remeber we choose our own thoughts.
I dont like to Force anyone into an answer in any kind of relationship, but thère comes a time when you address people with their changed behavior and expect an answer. Maybe not right away but within reasonable time. I dont have a lot of inner chatter but mostly react when people say they are one kind and their actions are quite different. I really respond to actions not mere words as they often are too easy and convenient to say but actually Living it is a whole other story.
Been busy Howe but always appreciate a friendly thought
This ties in really well to a great book I’ve been reading called “The Worry Cure” by Robert Leahy. Even if you don’t consider yourself a worrier I suggest checking it out. He’s a sharp, no-nonsense guy. He goes into how often we engage in “mind reading”–we think we know why someone is behaving the way they do…and we usually, when in doubt, think it’s something negative about us. You can listen to him on YouTube here…after part one, click on the other parts:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQKxwFXEpzQ&feature=PlayList&p=5220FB9A4586C85C&index=0
Your podcasts are great, David.
I agree about the space, recently i was part of a breakup, because I mentioned the wrong things such as talking about my daughter and hanging out more frequently. She responds, I want to explore the field and I’m giving you a chance because I don’t date guys with kids, but I’m drawn to you. Obviously it was over, I gave her the space as she danced and smoked up and realized sooner than later how she felt
Sunil –
http://yeshdolh.byoaudio.com/rss/david_wygants_podcast.xml
here’s the link to David’s podcast up for download. Enjoy! I’ve downloaded almost every podcast on the page (including the old ones, before they got removed) and from time to time, I listen to them. They’re cool.
I’ll listen to the new podcast tonight.
Marina- glad you appreciate it, nice to hear from you again!
Marina- yes i am young and energetic so its hard to not take it a up notch in the blog:)
Crystal- i wonder what you look like?
if you are a sexual girl, i am sure you can handle a 3some, what is the craziest thing have you ever experienced?
Hey Howe…I am a lot like my car, pretty, but a bit out of shape. Brown hair, blue eyes, 5’5″ and a little overweight. And as far as the craziest thing I have exer done, so far I am kind of run of the mill. Recently I was trying to convince a fella to become my lover (because I wanted someone to try some new things with — without having to worry about falling in love), but it doesn’t seem to be working out.
David
You said we should give feedback and suggestions for future discussions correct?
Well heres a suggestion, Why is it that women desire “The Bad Boys” but as they get older they marry “The Nice Guys”??
Anthony, it’s for the same reason that men will party with and have one-night stands with certain women, but they don’t marry them. Can you tell me why that is?
Plus, the appeal of the “Bad Boy” usually has some romanticized “he’ll go good because he loves me so much” sort of element. And most women grow up and realize they don’t can’t or don’t want to change a guy.
Sort of like women who are attracted to the brooding artist type when they are young because they want to ease his pain with the beauty of their love. But when you grow up (and by you I mean me) you get to the point that you just want to hit that guy in the face tell him to cheer up already and get a real job.
Some stuff just doesn’t work very well after college.
I am new to dating. I just don’t it yet. Newly dating after a long marriage.
i love you david, this is fantastic, where you bring aal of htese enagy mate.. you have it for every one
take care mate.
Anthony, do you really believe that women desire the bad boys and marry the nice guys?
What tells you that this assumption is accurate? How about in older age, the “nice guys” are really bad boys… but on the outside, they seem tame and nice… but really on the inside, they are adventurous, spontaneous, manly… just like the “bad boys”?
These are what Wayne Dyer would call “memes” which are potentially inaccurate beliefs that are spread like gospel… without truly understanding whether they are still meaningful or relevant at all.
I’m sure David might do a podcast on that sometimes though. It’d be a fun topic!
It doesn’t help when you by mistake start off a text message as “hiho”, no harm done but words sometimes sting and txting sucks! We broke up weeks ago, she missed me and my subsconsious kicked in at the moment, lol