Overcome Dating Shyness
September 27, 2008 
38 Comments
Do you consider yourself shy? Do you walk around and say to yourself “I wish I weren’t shy so I could approach people.”
When I hear someone label themselves as “shy,” I know they are limiting their opportunities to meet and connect with people every day. Being shy isn’t a physical trait like having brown eyes … you can eliminate it and overcome it.
The first thing you need to be aware of and realize is that shyness is not who you are – it’s not part of your identity. If someone asks you if you’re shy, what is your answer? Do you say “Yes, I am a shy person.”
When you say that, you are accepting that being shy is just part of who you are – that it’s part of your identity. By you telling yourself (and others) that you are a shy person, you are negatively affecting your own mindset. It is very limiting.
One of the first, and most important ways to overcome shyness is to be conscious about eliminating it as part of your identity. One way to get to that place if you are having trouble is to speak about yourself as if you’ve already overcome your shyness. The next time someone asks you if you’re shy, you can say “I am no longer a shy person.” As you continue to say this, you will believe it.
You need to also understand that much of your feeling of being shy comes from negative talk inside your own head. Stop listening to the monkey chatter in your head!
What goes on in your head and what do you think about when you feel shy? Do a whole bunch of different thoughts go through your your mind like monkey chatter you hear at the Central Park Zoo? Are there what seem like hundreds of monkeys screaming all different things in you ear, none of which are good thoughts?
Do you think that you can’t talk to members of the opposite sex because you’re shy? Do you believe that people next to you are thinking negative things about you because of your shyness, or about how you look or about anything else about you?
You need to stop listening to all of this negative talk in your head. Be aware of when your perception about a situation comes solely from these negative thoughts in your head, and then consciously choose to ignore them. You need to stop speculating and assuming things about what’s going on around you based on then negative chatter in your head. It will lead you astray every time.
An extension of the monkey chatter problem going on in your head are thoughts and assumptions about what those around you think or feel about you. You need to realize that people are not talking about you and they are not judging you.
Do you ever refrain from approaching someone because you are worried about what people around you will think about you? Are you worried that they will think you’re strange, or pathetic, or a failure, or that they will make fun of you if you approach a member of the opposite sex?
You need to realize that not only are people around you are not talking about you, they are no thinking about you at all. They aren’t because they are doing exactly what you are doing, i.e., thinking about themselves and what is going on in their own lives. They may be worrying just like you about their own problems, their own issues and, maybe, about their own shyness.
Have you ever been standing in a grocery checkout line next to someone you’d love to talk to but don’t because you don’t want to be judged by those around you? These people are not judging you. They are thinking about how miserable they are in their job, how they weren’t happy with the latte they were served that morning and how long it’s taking them to get through that grocery line.
The only person judging you on your shyness is you. The only person thinking about the thoughts in your head is you.
Perhaps the most important thing you need to do to overcome your dating shyness is understand that you hold the power to overcome your own shyness. The truth is that being shy is all about you and your own thoughts about yourself. It’s not about anything or anyone else.
The good news about this is that you are not stuck being shy … you have the power to overcome your shyness. Once you understand this, you then need to decide to take the necessary action to overcome your shyness.
You have the power to open your mouth and say hello to anyone. Being shy really means that you are judging yourself. It means that you are judging yourself to be unworthy and incapable of meeting and attracting the opposite sex – and this is totally untrue.
You need to accept your life. You need to embrace yourself for who you are and what you’re all about, then go out and talk to others with that confidence. When you stop judging yourself, you will no longer feel shy.
Once you understand what being shy really is and how it has been controlling you, you can take control of your mind and your emotions and eliminate it from your life permanently. Don’t let a poor mindset hold you back from meeting and connecting with people every day.
Todays video is a great step in overcoming that shyness that you feel. Have an amazing Saturday!!!
Shyness is actually easy to overcome, it’s all about just making that first step. I did it. It was hard at first but then I found a snowball effect and before I realized what was going on I was starting conversations with people all over the place.
When trying to accomplish seemingly difficult things I always liked this simple quote from Henry Ford:
Whether you think you can, or think you can’t. You’re right.
I don’t agree wiith what you Adam said, that shyness is easy to overcome. Think about it, if it were there wouldn’t be shy people
The thing is that overcoming shyness is a relative thing, for some people like you it is easy to do it and for some others is not. You can’t deny that. It’s like saying: becoming a rich person is easy. Not everyone can
I used to think of myself as a shy person and to be honest I still consider myself shy. The funny thing is that I agree with what David said in the article and I knew everything he said already. The difficult part is to put it in practice. So, from now on, from this exact minute on I will put it in practice. I’m not even saying I will try to do it. I WILL DO IT. The other thing that we should realize is that overcoming shyness is not going to happen overnight (at least not for every person). It takes time but I believe eventually it is possible to get rid of this quality.
Thanks for the article David. Btw, any boot camp planned for Amsterdam this year?
Hah! I remember that store… wasn’t that the one where part of the segment for the E! Channel was filmed?
hmmm interesting topic.
when it comes to shyness i really don’t know if i’m shy or not
because sometimes i’m very shy in a situation. but yet sometimes i feel like i can talk to anyone and do anything i want.
Good evening everyone,
For those of you who have been posting frequently on the blog, you probably know who I am. My name is Steven Kaufman and I am a 30/m from Long Island. I am also a person who stutters and becasue of that has had many challenges when it comes to meeting members of the opposite sex. For those of you who do not know me, you will once you read my story.
My story is one of self-acceptance, although it is not complete by any way, shape, or form. For the great part of twenty years, I was very lonely and alienated from many people. I do not need to tell you that kids and adults are more cruel than ever. I would love to say that we all grow up, but the reality is that many people do not, and still remain the same immature self they always were. In high school, I was so desperate to belong and be talked about. I would act out, I would print out and circulate lists of the top 20 hottest girls, I could never speak to anyone because I knew the reaction that would take place. I’ve seen it happen too many times, and it would end up with a giggle and snicker, and then the girl I wanted to talk to would run up to another guy, give him a big hug, and leave. I ate lunch in the nurse’s office, which was probably as low it could go.
Throughout college, this continued and just managed get to worse. When a person managed to say hello to me, I would just stare at them and move on. When you’re demoralized, you refuse to believe that anyone would want to talk to you or want to get to know you. I felt so angry at the world, more alone than ever. I poured my heart into my studies and come graduation time, I received so many honors-magna cum laude graduation, student marshal at commencement, induction into an honor fraternity, a bright future ahead of me. But I paid a terrible price for it. I wanted it so badly I was determined to take down myself to get it. Just like Macbeth, who wanted the throne so much he destroyed everyone to get to it, until he too paid the ultimate price. At the end of commencement, I cried so much until I couldn’t go on. People thought I was so happy to leave. They really had no idea at all.
Fast forward three years later. Because of social awkwardness in my jobs, I lost out on a lot of employment opportunities, and found myself in a dead-end job because of my anger issues and my speech. I seriously thought about committing suicide and figured the slitting of the wrists was the way to go, quick and efficient. As I seriously thought about putting the plan into action, I came across an organization that I truly believe saved my life-the National Stuttering Association. They held a conference in Long Beach, Calif., and I felt something calling me out there that I had to go to it. I was at JFK International and ready to cash my ticket in because this was the first time I acted toward improving my life.
For five days, I learned. I listened. I made it a priority to go up and introduce myself to as many people as possible. I met some of the most amazing people in the world who never let their speech stop them. On the last day, Steven Kaufman died. A new one was born once he left California. Most importantly, I learned I am not a horrible person. I learned how to accept myself. The NSA saved my life.
Self-acceptance can drive you mad if you let it. I know because it did. In Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein,” the main character describes the “monster” he created, and when the creature confronts him, he explains how all he wanted to was be wanted and accepted, and the townsfolk ran away in horror. He demands the scientist make him a wife, and when he refuses, the monster takes away the one thing important to him. I am not going to ruin what happens, but the book teaches a lot of lessons.
My future right now is up in the air. I do not know where I am going at all. But I promise, that my voice will be heard. You will hear what I have to say. I don’t know if I will ever date. Believe me, there are fates worse than being 30 and single.
P.S.-That person who a few years ago was so alone was recognized at the 2008 conference as the Volunteer of the Year.
Thank you for listening to my story.
Respectfully,
Steven Kaufman
I recently overcame my shyness! I just did not like the way my life was going as far as relating to others and put my mind to it to overcome it and I did! I still get those moments of monkey chatter and I just put myself back into that “relax” state by thinking of what David says or telling myself to relax. I am so much happier now than I was when I was shy and thinking all that monkey chatter. I feel like I am gaining friends because I am reaching out to other people and they are comfortable around me. I am realizing that I have a lot to offer to people and sincerely like to help people. I have found that body language is particularly important in overcoming shyness as well as being in the moment. I really enjoy talking to people and when I was married to an abusive man, this was not something he was fond of and I thought that it was “bad” to talk to other people and get to know them. I realize now that talking to other people is fun and allows me to help other people and connect with them.
Way to go Steven! I am proud of you! I know this guy who clicks and whirs every few minutes. Even though he does that (and he really clicks and whirs audibly…I don’t know why), he is a really nice guy and he has a beautiful wife and a 2 or 3 year old son. He communicates well and seems to be comfortable with himself and is with others as well. Keep it up and maybe you won’t be single for long! You’ve got to put the positive stuff in you and build yourself up.
Hey Steve, nice to see you around. How much time do you spend a day doing the speech exercises? I just do not see how the speech impediment is still messing you up after all these years…IMHO, you are not trying hard enough AND there is some “soft” stuff blocking your progress and a therapist may help in this area. There is no doubt that there is a nice girl out there for you who will stick around long enough to see what a great guy you are but please please stop looking back where you came from, it creates a down atmosphere! Look forward and work on those exercises HARD EACH DAY!…
From a fellow stutterer who has learned to lead a pretty normal life for many years now and managed to “hide” my speech problem….just don’t get me to start a sentence with a p or a t…I WILL find my way around it, I am a master at it:-)
And Steve, take chances man…develop a very thick skin for rejections, there will always be people who do not understand this, but taking chances and learning to handle rejection better it will get easier after each time….If you get rejected, it’s her loss because you know and we know you are a great guy who has a lot to offer to someone who will not judge others on their stuttering…and one day you will find a sweet lady who will fall for you….And CONGRATS on Volunteer of the Year award…you probably brightened the lives of so many other people with your deeds and that is so so honorable and admirable to give yourself like that. Thank you.
And please no more mention of your past, the ones who have been here for a while know all about it now, just tell us about what you are doing and what you will DO.
Excellent blog David, this is one of my big problems. What you say about thinking people are judging you and thinking about you is so true, and its comforting to realise that it really is just your mind playing tricks on you.
Good to see Steven K back here and Gabrielle your story was great, good on you.
Hey Steve,
Thanks so much for sharing your story. Sounds like you’ve been through some dark times, huh?
I am wondering if you have tried Emotional Freedom Technique? It can eliminate all kinds of stuff like this that was previously untreatable (or would take years and years to treat). I went to doctors and tried every medication available for my chronic pain, it’s now gone completely without any medicine or surgery.
And on a totally different note, for those who thought I was being a tease about telling my seduction story on the other post, this link is now working: http://awakeningfromthedream.blogspot.com/2008/09/natural-game-how-to-seduce-celibate.html
Gabrielle, I feel totally inspired and all warm and fuzzy reading you story about overcoming shyness and especially about putting the past behind you with the abusive relationship. Thanks for sharing it.
This is all pretty interesting… I love the shyness blog… and remember that no one else is judging me. I need to remember that part.
Erika, I read your link…. if you found a guy you’re totally into and want to be with and it’s all hot chemistry and good fun, then that’s awesome. No offense… but it seemed to me like he totally played you though. He had total control, doing things like disappearing- saying one thing but doing another, pushing your limits and boundaries without respecting anything you had said, acting like he was aloof, getting you to call him, do the work to chase him, etc.– all those tactics and tricks I’ve seen in those other sites (one Dr Phil show was devoted to it actually, all manipulative tactics to get what a guy wants physically) — and it sounded to me like he was controlling the entire thing 100% as if your declaration of not getting physical was a challenge, and he was pulling all the strings and you responded like a puppet. A true spiritual soul mate/connection would respect your celibacy and your reasons behind it. This guy clearly did not at all!!! He sounds hot, but lots of Red Flags. I hope it all works out for you with whatever outcome you want w/ him, but he sounds like a total player so just be cautious. Just my thoughts after reading it.
hey C,
I totally appreciate your feedback and your concern for my well being. I don’t see myself as having been “played” though. what have I lost from this interaction? nothing. I have only gained.
I’m perhaps coming from a radically different perspective than most women though. if I sleep with him, it’ll be because I want to have that experience. I don’t even want to think about the future, and that goes not just for this interaction with him, but for my entire life.
when I trust other people, they become trustworthy. when I trust the present moment and that all is unfolding exactly the way it’s supposed to, I don’t get upset about things anymore. I don’t expect a certain outcome, so there’s nothing to be disappointed about.
the real truth is that I seduced myself. I was ready to have that experience, finally, after a lot of spiritual clearing, and he showed up to give that experience to me. you all seen the matrix movies? “there is no spoon”
ok I’m off to Starbucks.
oh one other thing, and thanks so much for bringing it up because it helped me become more aware of it myself:
“A true spiritual soul mate/connection would respect your celibacy and your reasons behind it. This guy clearly did not at all!!!”
Actually, this guy was respecting something else, which is the fact that behind every “no” there is always a “yes.” So he was empathizing with the long lost part of myself that does want to say yes to sex and has been trying to find a way to do it. To me that kind of deep listening is respect.
If it’s a good and postive experience for you in your timing and best interests and he’s right guy to connect with you on all levels, then that’s great!
Though ‘respect’ is definitely not the word I’d use for a guy who believes “the fact that behind every no there is always a yes”. Sounds more like a good defense for a date rapist in court.
Wish you the best w/ everything!
Erika,
I haven’t read your blog, but I would be careful too. First of all, if celibacy was ok with you, you wouldn’t be saying all the time how great it is. Second, some man go crazy when they know about something like this and want to take advantage of you because they know you’re hot. What happens next is that they don’t respect you afterwards.
In a period of my life I decided to stop dating because I always went for unhealthy relationships, so I decided to not date any one until I found the right person. After more than one year I felt in love with a wonderful man, but I was so desperate that I scared the hell out of him. Too bad. I think that we need to accept that we are sexual human beings and that this is totally fine. After all we are animals too, maybe superior, but after all we are animals.
This spiritual thing is nonsense. It’s a cover of something that you need to hide from yourself. There I said it, forgive my honesty, but consider yourself lucky that someone’s telling you the truth. I’m not gonna post here anymore, ok? Good luck!
darkenergy,
I know EXACTLY what you mean. I was having so much trouble with the shyness thing… I was shy all my life and I wasn’t meeting people until last week.
But when you see guys like Adam and David connecting with people, and someone pushes you over that first treshold, this is what happens (in my humble experience): First you force yourself, and you feel like you’re dying.
And a tomato. Then next time, you feel horrible. Next, you feel pretty bad. Then you feel ok and you’re out of the pits. Your consciousness comes back to life and you can actually act normal in a conversation. At which point you can imitate the way these guys act… energetic, lively, enthusiastic.
This is what I experienced last week, and it’s the point where it becomes FUN and ADDICTIVE. And most of all, you’re starting to feel you can talk to anyone, so you stop caring. You’re just having fun, out and about, connecting around.
That’s where your personality comes out and you find yourself saying witty things out of nowhere.
They say it’s just the beginning
Then you’ll realize how easy it is. It’s the first little push and the direction through example that’s the missing link.
So you’re near Amsterdam? Send me an e-mail at freakyphoenix@gmail.com and we can hang out.
Who knows a former shy guy can show you how to break through
And perhaps if we can find a good group of guys David will do another bootcamp in Amsterdam sometime!
I put this over on my blog but I wanted to add it here:
I appreciate your honesty and your feedback. I also appreciate that you guys are looking out for me. It means a lot to know there is so much caring and compassion out there.
So I want to focus on what seems like the hidden assumption in all the “be careful” things people are saying: “please reassess what you expect from this relationship.”
But where did I ever say in my post that I am expecting anything from this relationship? I just met this guy.
My happiness comes from within. There is not one thing anyone can say or do to take that away from me. And therein lies my freedom. That’s what I’m on this planet to learn, and that’s what I’m on this planet to teach.
If I let go of celibacy, all it means is that it has served its purpose and that I’m ready to do that. It has nothing to do with any particular guy.
Erika:
I think Marisa has spoken very well and had the guts to say it.
As a man, when I hear of celibacy and the reasons behind it I am not going to bother with the lady at all, not even be just a casual friend…ok, maybe an acquaintance….I am going to avoid that person because I think they have issues. As Marisa said, we are animals and animals like to fuck. I think celibacy is only practiced by nuns….actually a very small percentage of nuns:-) I visited your blog and all this celibacy crap really turned me off! Way too much touchy feely stuff for this transplanted Southern European guy who has been living in the liberal oasis of Ann Arbor in a tough blue collar state (Michigan). Every once you may find a guy who is willing to put in the time to do the super challenging task to brag to his buddies but the very vast majority of men won’t bother. I think you may have had some bad lovers and bad relationships in the past or something…
Anyway, you may not like what I am saying but, hey, it’s a free forum and we are all doing psychoterapy (even speech therapy) to each other…so don’t take my words too seriously. I am just venting because I started a yoga class again (after circuit training for the firs half) and my inner thigh muscles hurt me SO MUCH!:-)
so it turned you off. no worries. feel free to vent as much as you like. especiallly after circuit training and yoga. lol
I just let my guy read my entire blog. in my world, transparency is unbelievably sexy. and liberating.
Wow! shyness is obviously a real issue for many people as it seems that there are many experiences being shared here and long too. This is my first post to david’s blog, by the way. I agree with what he wrote here but here is something interesting that I have noticed in my life…I have a long history of being extremely shy, especially with women. And, for all those beautiful girls that I knew who wanted to talk to me and they thought I was so stuck up…nope! I desperatly wanted to but was so afraid to be rejected and the ones who did say hello and I returned the greeting then I would eject..the monkey chatter would say…”oh wow, she actually was pretty friendly” Now what? I was caught off guard and would just turn and walk the other way then beat myself up later for not at least trying to get to know her or ask for a date. This went on for years.
I’m much better than I used to be and I still have fear of approaching some times but when I’m just to about to try and steer the conversation away from small talk then its like my body seems to have a mind of its own…call it a panic attack, I guess. Tightness in my chest, a little shortness of breath, my face gets a bit flush then the girl I’m talking to senses it then I’ve totally blown it! Just when I think I’ve kicked the shyness problem the damn nervous reactions take over and this is around women I find really attractive.
Anyway, I want to say kudos to steve for having the courage to share his story with everyone.
Oh, and marisa, no!! we are not just animals we are in fact spiritual beings. Of course everyone is entitled to their opinions thats why we have freedom of speech.
The avrage shy guy mentality is:
I need X if I want to get Y
The average shy guy always has a reason, a story, a good explanation why he doesn’t achieve
the success he wants with women.
Does he REALLY lack all the things he thinks he lack?
The answer is MAYBE
He may not have enough money to get by.
He may not look like Brad Pit.
He may lack self-esteem.
Yet, the next question is…
Does it matter?
The answer is ABSOLUTELY NO!
It doesn’t matter what is true and what is false, the only thing that
matters is what he BELIEVES is right and wrong.
We all seen guys who are not good looking, dumb, poor, but seem
to have all the beautiful women around them, and some of us may wondered
how these guys pulled it off.
We all know these guys, and we all know that these guys haven’t spent
their entire life delving into books trying to find solutions for fear, and
lack of self-esteem.
We don’t really believe that all these guys read books, listen to audiotapes,
and go to self improvement seminars about attraction and dating.
No way!
These guys are just S.I.M.P.L.E
They may have all the hindrances that the shy guy has, and much
more. They may be old, stupid, and ugly, yet, they don’t BELIEVE that
they are so.
The skill of being successful with women is a skill the shy guy already has; this
is why he can’t attain it. It’s like trying to attain the ability to blink when
he already has this ability.
When he tries to attain something, which he already has (and he is
unaware that he has it) he creates a conflict, and this conflict perpetuates
his current state.
Now, after a shy guy reads the last few sentences he may asks himself the
following question:
So, if I already have what it takes to be successful with women….why
don’t I see it come about?
The reason for this is:
His “true self” is hidden under numerous layers of false conditioning.
Through observation, imitation, and memorizing that he got from his
social surrounding (family, friends, magazines, television, movies) he
was led to believe that he is not good enough, and that he should
never settle with “what is” but always strive for “what should be”.
You may say that it is good to act this way, after all, if you want to
achieve any endeavor in life, you have to move from where you are to
where you want to be.
Don’t get me wrong, this notion that you can always progress in life is
very true when it comes to progression in the physical material world. (I
mean if you want to learn a language you do need to progress from where
you are (a person who doesn’t know the language) to where you want to
be (a person who knows the language).
Yet, when it comes to the physiological world this craving for becoming
better only creates a conflict inside of you.
A conflict between the mental state that you have now to the mental state
you want to achieve.
The truth of the matter is that a shy guy can’t change.
I am sorry about that, but I think you all want me to be honest here, and not
just please you.
YET
When you are what you are, and when you fully accept that you are shy, not
only theoretically, but also with your whole being.
You will become a changed man.
Why?
Because there will be no more conflict and tension in you. You will be
able to walk to a woman, and say exactly what you want to say without
thinking that you only do so after you have reached the stage of non-shyness.
You will not have the awful space that thought creates in your head
between the idea of approaching the woman you desire, and the actual
realization of it.
This awful space is where all your anxioties blossom to the surface, and prevent you from taking action.
When you accept who you are, the internal dialogue inside your head
disappears. If you want to talk to a woman, you go talk to her, because no
internal voice says “I can only approach her if I bypass my shyness”
If you take only one thing from my comment to the blog, take this:
You are already a MASTER, you are already SUCCUSSFUL with
women, the only thing that is left for you in order to live it, is to
KNOW IT.
If you will really understand this, you will be irresistible to women. Women will be attracted to you, and they will not know why.
The thing you will find amazing is that you will not be able to tell your
friends EXACTLY why you are so successful with woman. Because you
are not implementing any kind of method or system that one can follow.
You are just yourself – a self that is totally different now.
You see – If you are in your current state, and you try to use some kind of
phrase or pickup line, you will always have difficulties. There will always
be a conflict in you:
Should I say it like this or like that…?
Should I operate like this or that…?
Have I said it clearly enough…?
And those questions, which show a conflict, will never let you perform at
your best.
You may get a woman’s phone number, you may get the first or the
second date, and you may even form a relationship, but you will always
encounter difficulties in your interactions with women.
On the other hand, when you become your “true self” everything you say
will be and sound good.
If you have the RIGHT mentaility in place you will see that everything you say will be successful because it will blossom from a successful man.
Thank you for reading my comment, and good luck to you all!
david,
this blogs is great. shyness are is NO 1 weakness or KILLER to me. sometimes i feel very shy but sometimes i also can talk to everyone.
not only in dating world but everything i do sometimes i feel very shy and monkey chatter always in my head.
and yes we shouldn’t let this become our obstacle in our life.
david this blogs is tremendous!!!
Guess what i read more than 5 times but yet still read again
Well Done David
hey Dan, re-reading this today I would very much like to connect with you and I don’t want to distract on David’s site. if you’re up for it, my email is sanfran468-cl@yahoo.com. peace
Amir Rimer,
That was HUGE… I’m going to reread it.
Where did you learn this?
Pete
Hi Pete,
I am glad to read that you liked my comment.
The only “positive” learning, for me, is through negation of false beliefs.
Ever since I can remember myself, I always tried to learn the new method, pick up line, technique to
make me successful with women, yet none of them ever worked for me.
Even if I did get a girl’s phone number, I was upset that I didn’t get 5 numbers, and if I got a girl to go out
with me, I was depressed that I didn’t get 5 girls to go out with me.
So one day I asked myself what did I accomplished at the end of the day, after all, my REAL intention (like all of us) is to live a happy life, but I was still feeling miserable.
Moreover, the fear of rejection that we all feel when trying to pick up girls was always in the background
ready to strike.
The REAL change in my life started when I told myself that I will STOP LEARNING, and start:
OBSERVING.
Not to try to find answers to my important questions, but start to investigate the validity of such questions
Questions are not really questions, are they, they are really answers to what we believe is true.
So, instead of trying to find an answer for, let’s say:
Why I am not successful with women?
I changed my question to:
Why do I want to be successful with a lot of women to begin with?
Or
What is the reason that people want to be successful?
and then…
Is it what I REALLY want? or maybe it is what society told me that I need to have in order to feel self-worth.
When I started to think differently, I found out that I don’t need to find the answers to my questions, because suddenly the questions that always appear when I want to pickup girls didn’t appear, so I could just walk to a woman, and talk to her.
When we have negative thoughts we always try to fight them in some way or another, and we always try to provide good answers for them, yet if we don’t have them, there is no fighting only action.
I am not some kind of a guru, and I will not tell you that I don’t feel fear when I try to approach girls, but I
can tell you that my anxiety around women is now much more subtle.
Amir
Thanks Amir!
The most valuable lesson I got from both of your posts is that…we are stuck on this treadmill of trying to fix ourselves when we are already perfect beings, it is just the self programming from the very beginning. To use an analogy, if we are looking thru a pair of rose colored glasses with crap on the lenses then our view of the world will be very crappy. We just need to clean the lenses.
We were not born shy, shy is not apart of who we are.
i’m sure everyone here has heard of or read…”The Power Of Now” By Eckhart Tolle. If not, check it out!
Hi Tom
The example you gave of the colored glasses is exactly what I mean.
It is so funny that we always try to add another crap to our galsses for the hope that we will see something new.
Why, like you said, we don’t just clean our glasses?
I think this is all because we were so brainwashed by society that we can only progess in life by doing SOMETING, when in reailty (I am talking psychological) we can only progress if we stop.
It is like a man who got lost in the woods.
First he should stop, and look round.
Then he should look at his map to see where he is at.
There is no point to contune walking aimlessly for days.
Hey Amir,
Thanks for sharing some more. I recently heard someone ask ‘why weren’t we born with this’. Well… there we go.
I look forward to reading your future posts mate!
Pete
I think people need to realize more how words have a powerful impact on how we perceive ourselves.
We should really pay attention to the labels we give ourselves because they truly shape how we experience life. By labeling yourself one way or the other, you are reinforcing in your mind how the world should respond to you a certain way… and as funny as it sounds, it alters your behaviors tremendously.
Shyness is just another label…. just like smart or social or anything else. The more we see ourselves a certain way, the more we become that way.
It’s so funny how much power we hold on ourselves with just the labels we give ourselves… yet so many people are victims of those labels instead of realizing that they can alter their own fate by just CHOOSING which label they should give themselves.
Hi Pete,
Thank you for your comment.
I am sure going to post some more posts.
I just love this blog, and website.
I think that it is great that we can all join together in this one blog, and share valuable insights with one another.
Ok guys, I do understand the whole concept of we are who we percieve ouselves to be. That we can only make changes in our lives if we choose to make those changes.
But as someone who has experienced a lifetime of negative reinforcement from the outside world, how am I supposed to just “flick a switch” in my head and change? Even a good dog, when beaten frequently enough, will start to believe he is bad.
I can see where this change in attitude would be possible for someone who was even reasonably attractive, just average or OK looking. But I am a looks-challenged kind of man and to be honest it is a rare occasion when i can get past a “hi, how are ya?” And when, on those too few and far between blue moons, I do get positive feedback, it is impossible for me to say anything else. To even THINK of anything else to say.
After having read several posts on several topics here, I am positive that it is in the way I carry myself and try to speak to people. Not JUST females but anyone. It is very frustrating to me because I know that I am a reasonably intelligent person, I have lots to say. But there is just more than “monkey chatter” in my head- I have years and years of ridicule and put downs and eye rolls and especially invitations to talk to someones hand reinforcing my shyness.
I have thought for years that i am probably just touched in the head. It takes me so long to become comfortable enough to open my mouth and say something, anything, that only a very few people have even been friends.
I keep trying, though. I refuse to stop making an attempt at some kind of social life. But maybe for some of us there is no hope and social intercourse is just lost to our lives.
Hi Matt,
I loved reading your post; I see that you speak from the heart and I truly want to give you my best point of view on this serious issue.
I know that you may disagree, but this is how I view things.
You said:
“How am I supposed to just “flick a switch” in my head and change?”
And my answer is: You can never ever change, and you shouldn’t aspire to.
Because there isn’t any YOU which is separated from THE PROBEM you have.
The separation is only verbal and not factual.
You know it is like the little malign spyware that penetrates to our computers guised as a good antivirus program. This spyware tells you that you have to operate it for it to protect you against bad spywares.
This is paradoxical thing isn’t it?
If you are infected everything you will do in the computer will deepen the infection even further.
It is like putting out fire with gazillion.
What I want to say is, that after you are infected with erroneous knowledge, there isn’t any YOU which is separated from the knowledge in your head:
It is all knowledge – that is what we are – a bundle of knowledge manifested in thoughts.
We are what we think about basically.
So, if you ask:
“How am I supposed to just “flick a switch” in my head and change?”
I say:
Don’t try to change!
We all try to move forward all the time, and that is our problem?
I am here, but I want to be there.
I am A, but there is this guy which is B, and I want to be like him.
My switch is off, but I want it on.
Yet, when we truly realize the futility of all this effort to become different.
We cease to struggle, and then the “monkey chatter” in our heads (I want this, I am afraid of that, how can I, how should I) stops as well (because we are not trying to achieve anything)
If you are staying in you current state, and don’t try to change at all (which doesn’t mean stagnation).
There will be no “monkey chatter” in your head, and you will suddenly look and see that your switch is FLICKED).
I think the problem is that we are too much enslave to words, and don’t look on what’s actually going on.
If I didn’t explain myself properly, please comment on this comment and I will explain myself again.
Bye.
Ok Amir-
If I do not try to change how can I improve my situation?
You’re telling me to continue to be quiet and if I do nothing things will change? This makes no sense to me. I understand the concept of, to quote an old song, “if you choose not to decide you still have made a chioce” but the idea that if I make no attempt to improve my sociability that things will magically turn around is a totally foreign concept to me.
Hi Matt
I will try to explain what I mean from a different angle.
Did you notice that our brain works on opposites?
You are shy, and you want to be not shy.
You are fearful, and you want to be courageous.
You are not good looking, and you want to be good looking.
The fact is that you are shy, fearful, and think that we are not good looking (for example) and the ideation is what you hope to be: not shy, non-fearful, better looking.
You may desire to be in those states in the future, but you are not in those states right now.
Now, think about this…
One day you want to pick a woman on the street.
Then at the moment when you think about picking her up.
Your “monkey chatter” starts to operate.
For example:
I can’t pick her up because I am too shy.
I can’t pick her up, I am not courageous enough.
I can’t pick her, I must look better.
This creates a gap in your brain between what you currently are (shy, fearful, not good looking state), to the opposite of what you want to be (not shy, not fearful, better looking).
And this gap, is what causes you no to act. This gap is the place where the ‘monkey chatter” comes to action.
Notice: What causes us not to act is NOT the fact that we don’t posses the characteristics that we think we need, but the GAP itself causes us not to act.
Yet, when you negate the idea state (not shy, not fearful, better looking) that you desire to be in, in order to progress in life, you break this pattern.
You are just in the state when you are shy, fearful, and think that you are not good looking.
Yet now, these thoughts have no meaning.
They only have vitality, power, and meaning when their opposites exist.
I really hope that I explained myself better now.
It is like being dissatisfied with your current wife, for example, only because you think that there are better wives out there. Yet, when you discard the notion that there are better wives out there, your wife is just fine.
Now, if you are able to negate the positive action.
You just see a beautiful women, and walk straight to pick her up because all your past resistances don’t exist.
The “monkey chatter” doesn’t say to you that you are:
Shy, but you need to be not shy.
Fearful, but you need to be courageous.
Not good looking, and you want to be good looking.
You just see and act, with no gap in between.
I hope that what I have written now is more easy to grasp, but if you don’t think so, ask me a question, and I will answer.
Thanks.
Matt,
I will try to explain Amir’s thoughts in simpler terms.
Basically, there’s nothing wrong with being shy. What Amir is trying to explain is that you want to stop labeling yourself one way or the other. You especially want to stop describing yourself with negative traits.
By always giving yourself negative traits, your mind gets trained to NOT accept itself. For you to progress, you want to learn to accept ALL things about you first.
Shyness, confidence, being social, being attractive are ALL different aspects that you already have inside. You don’t have to change yourself to be one or the other. They are all inside of you already but you have to choose which behaviors you act out more.
It’s like muscles. You have all the right muscles in your body to be good looking but you have to train them more if you want a certain image to come out first.
Thank you Khiem!
Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. I need to not worry about what I think about me, get over it and open my mouth and just talk. That makes sense.
Hi Matt,
I liked reading your comment.
But, I am afraid that what you understood is exactly the opposite of what I was trying to convey.
If you will accentuate the positive you will only create a gap in your brain.
A gap between the state in which you currently are to the state you want to be in.
That will result in a perpetual conflict which will never resolve.
For example, like you said in your comment to Khiem (in different words):
I am now worry about what I think about me, but I need not to worry.
If you do want to accentuate…accentuate the NEGATIVE and not the POSITIVE.
For example, say: I need to negate the desire to be “worry free”
If you willl be able to do this, you will experience a great tranquility (in what you are) in times of crisis.
Because you will be worry….but now also OK with it. (not trying to escapse to some sort of ideal state which doesn’t really exist).
Hope this helps.
Will be happy to hear what you think.
Amir,
I truly enjoy your comments because they are deep and meaningful. However, I think you are confusing Matt a little bit. Your comments come from a very philosophical “state of being” mindset. I understand exactly what you are writing but for someone who’s learning to grow, your perspective is a bit difficult to grasp.
For someone to grow, we want to give him the right focus instead of telling him how to think or what to think. If you explain how to think too much, you are asking him to stay in his head instead of taking REAL action that will bring him REAL results.