Monkey Chatter
March 3, 2009 
30 Comments
Let’s talk a little bit about the monkey chatter – that internal voice that says, “Who is this guy? Why is he bothering me?” That is a constant theme here.
The biggest problem with the monkey chatter is that there are more than just monkeys up there – it’s like a whole zoo! There are apes, gorillas, lions and tigers – there’s a whole brawl going on in your head.
In my twenties, I used to tell people, “You don’t want to be inside my head – it’s like a really bad neighborhood. You don’t when you’re going to get mugged, when you’ll get your ass kicked….” We all have that.
If you’re considering walking over to her but you’re thinking, “Man, she looks like she doesn’t want to be bothered, she won’t be interested,” then you’re giving your power away again to her.
You should never give your power away to another person. You have to start thinking about the small wins in life.
What do your friends think of you? What does your mom think of you? What does your sister think of you? What about people that you work with? You have a lot of people who think that you are pretty damn cool.
You have to start really embracing the fact that all of these people think that you’re a really great person, because you are.
If you have monkey chatter before you go and talk to a woman, it’s because you’ve put her in a fantasy box. Before you approach her, you’ve totally made her a fantasy. You don’t even know her! She could have breath that smells like my dog’s ass! She could be the meanest person in the entire world.
So turn off the monkey chatter, just smile, and relax! One of the best ways to get rid of the monkey chatter is to spend an entire day just walking around and saying hello to everyone.
Keep a scorecard. It’s almost retarded, but it works. Be enthusiastic about it: “Hey, how are you?” Take a book and write down how many people respond favorably. By the end of the day, you’re going to be in the hall of fame!
Think about it: three out of the ten times you go up to bat and you get a hit, you’ll be in the hall of fame. If you complete 60 percent of your passes in the NFL, you’re Payton Manning.
But so many guys are disappointed if they don’t get 100 percent. I meet so many guys who come to take a bootcamp with me, or come from coaching, or even just products – and they want a 100 percent success rate.
But you should see me – I’ll get blown off today, and I don’t even care! It doesn’t even bother me. I don’t care if she doesn’t think I’m interesting.
So you have to build up your confidence, very slowly. By building up your confidence, you can talk to people and actually see how they respond to you very favorably. You’ll find that a lot of people will respond favorably to you every day.
This is one way to work on the monkey chatter. To be honest, there is no instant cure to get rid of it entirely and immediately. The best way to minimize it is to go out there and have successful interactions all day long.
The more successful your interactions are, the more confident you’re going to become as you progress throughout your day. It took me a long time to realize that.
As men, we always seem to be keeping score. The mentality of men (and the stupidity of men) means that we’re always telling each other, “Man, I had such great sex last night, it was the best. You should have seen this girl that I picked up….”
Why are we telling our friends that? To impress them and to validate ourselves. Who should you be impressing in bed? The woman that you’re with. You should be able to talk to her the next day and say, “Oh man, I fucked you so good last night.” Then when she responds, “Yes you did!” there is all the validation you need!
You don’t need validation from other men.
Thanks for the post David. One a day is very prodigious of you.
I’m going to piggyback on this post, perhaps inappropriately.
You mention NOT to say “cool” in conversation.
Any other glaring or not-so-glaring DON’Ts
F
Facundo:
I think saying “Cool!” or “Great!”is okay as long as you DO know what to say next.
“Cool! It’s great that you enjoy what you do so much. I can sense that passion in you.”
“Cool! I’m glad you got to do that during Spring Break and that the weather cooperated. That had to have been a blast! I want to go there now.”
Thanks for this great blog post today David. As always.
That last paragraph cracked me up. Love the breakdown of how we’re always hindering our own progress.
I know that’s right. I find myself inside my head more often than I’d like. When I become aware of it, I consciously take a deep breath and relax.
I try to be in the moment and just chill.
It’s all about baby steps. Us guys wanna be rock stars and wanna have honeys flockin’ over us, but in some cases, we can’t even maintain eye contact! (I’ve been guilty of this)
Just walkin’ around sayin’ “Hi” to people is fun. You can make some people’s day by makin’ em smile. Some people freak out like they’ve been in a cave all their lives, and that’s just as entertaining. I literally laugh out loud when that happens.
Have fun sayin’ hi to everyone!
-Sonny
Thanks David for another great post!
This made me think of another title…the GORILLAS in the mind!…all that rubbish we’re walking around with
in our heads, no wonder its so hard to approach somebody of the opposite sex.
Heard somewhere someone saying, that the only one who’s imprisoning you is YOU!
Cause when you change your thoughts, you change your world.
Just want to say how much i love this site, its a great space to be free of the old…monkeys!
Man, that takes me back 35 or so years ago. Don’t know if anyone else remembers
the Richard Alpert(Ram Dass) book titled “Be Here Now”. He was a contemporary of
Timothy Leary and sort of westernized a bunch of eastern philosophical ideas. He called
“Monkey Chatter”,” Internal Dialogue”. Exactly the same thing. It’s a hard thing to
give up, but if you know you’re doing it, at least you can shut it down. David’s method
of shutting it off is great. More fun than meditation and reflection, and works as well.
As far as comments to buddies about women, from me they don’t get anything except
“She’s a really sweet woman”. That could cover a random meeting to someone I love.
My real friends know I mean it and don’t ask anything else.
Great post David! I’ve get that monkey chatter all the time, but I’m gonna work on silencing it. It shouldn’t be a problem.
Have you checked out this article on McCain’s daughter having trouble dating?
http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-03-02/looking-for-mr-far-right/
I don’t mind having a conversation with a person about their love life. But when they want to describe in detail what he looked like and what she did I have one thing to say: BORING!!!!! I keep my personal life to myself and with the guy I am with. Monkey chatter is when someone is talking bullshit and meaning nothing by it. It is like I heard in a song a lot less talk a lot more action.
I have been told that want to loose your boyfriend/girlfriend just talk about them a lot then you will draw another person’s attention. Then oops that person if after who you have.
New to the your blog David and good post. I always have that monkey chatter in my head and feel like I have to validate myself for basically nothing. Also, I always feel like I have to be perfect with interactions and its good to know that it’s alright not to be perfect.
Tony888, I like your analysis on what to do when you say cool or great. I usually never follow with anything so I’m going to start doing that and see what happens.
I think I’m going 2 like this blog and I will take a baby step right now and say “Hi everyone”.
thanks David! Monkey chatter, monkey chatter. But you never mentioned there were apes, gorillas or King Kongs in you Men’s Mastery Series! Hahaha.
Thanks for this one. This is one I have got to print out. That’s my biggest weakness now: the monkey chatter. Great post!
The validation from other men is something I’ve had to think a lot about and am now finally getting over. Once again, great blog David!
Thanks for this blog, David! You nailed it once again. It’s the stuff I needed to hear from somebody else about me. I am a waiter, so my job involves interacting with strangers. Hopefully, my confidence will start to rise.
i gotta say i am guilty of seeking validation in the past and i guess we all are at some point in our life.
yes D. i like the second validation better, “Oh man, I fucked you so good last night.” Then when she responds, “Yes you did!”
Mr. Electric- monkey chatter has different levels, there is ape chatter, gorilla chatter, and king kong chatter, monkey chatter being the least of all the chatter:)
David, a great way I’ve discovered to deal with the monkey chatter is to do the following mental excercise. First picture or hear exactly what your own monkey chatter voice is. Is it your own voice, your moms, coaches, etc. Once you figured out what your monkey chatter voice sounds like in your head, just change it. Imagine what your monkey chatter voice would sound like say if it was Donald Duck’s voice, or Gildford Godfrey. LOL Now once you can imagine and hear that, one won’t be able to take that monkey chatter voice seriously : )
It’s amazing that when the focus is off of how the woman will perceive you and it becomes more on you and what you want the monkey chatter will disappear. You won’t need validation from others because you are content within yourself and who you are is NOT based on a woman (or another man for that matter).
It’s easy to make assumptions about a woman which might prevent you from saying “hi”. But know that there could be a lot going on with her that’s not even close to what you think and she might love a simple
hello. I remember after my divorce, I was probably one of those unapproachable girls…no eye contact, hardly smiled, closed off. It was certainly easy to assume that I was a “bitch” or “not interested”. The truth of the matter was that I was sad and overwhelmed and if a guy would break me out of it, I was pleasantly surprised. I really liked when a guy had the courage to acknowledge my feelings and talk to me.
So get out of your head and just talk to a woman! We are just people too…not gorillas:)
Kimberly
Are you guys listening to Coach Kimberly? Women are often lost in their own little worlds for any number of reasons and most of us really don’t mind when someone breaks our “cone of silence.” Personally, when I do errands, all I can think of is getting them done so that I can relax or go home or hit the Starbuck’s – anything but the “TO DO” list! Somebody, free me please! And remember, if we seem to be preoccupied, it’s because the monkey chatter record is in ANOTHER stack so catch us while it’s NOT playing!
K and Coach Kimberly,
Thanks for the encouragement, really. Sometimes when a girl seems preoccupied (like working out at the gym) I don’t want to seem like I’m pushy or “in the way” so I minimize my contact with girls there. Plus, the gym is not the best place for some girls because they feel so self conscious about how they look (i.e. all sweaty, etc) and don’t want guys talking to them when their in that state.
I had another encounter with the gym girl today again. She’s kinda hard to “read”. Some of her girl-friends were working out in the dance room where I was too, before she got there. So as soon as she walks in her friends call her over and they begin talking. They’re a few feet away from me but I’m facing the other direction so I continue doing my thing. She proceeds to where her friends were working out and begins stretching on the floor, so i thought I’d just look over in her direction and say hi. So I look over, make eye contact, wave and say hi and smile. She’s in a stretch position (sitting down reaching for her leg) and acknowledges me and says hi and then kind of rolls her eyes and looks away. That felt like a brush off to me and so I was like, screw it, I’m not saying hi to this chick again.
But then I began thinking about what David Wygant said today about monkey chatter and how people everywhere know that I’m a great person. So I’m gonna say ignore the monkey chatter and not jump to conclusions. I mean, if she was really bothered by me she would not wanna be near me. Besides, what the hell did I ever do to her? See, I have to believe that she’s just shy or nervous around me. There’s no reason why she would not think I’m attractive. II’m a good looking guy!
So I don’t know K, you girls say you want us to break your silence, but then how will we know if you girls are annoyed. I KNOW it is possible to pretend you are not interested when you really are. There’s a Smiths song called GIRL AFRAID that describes that very phenomenon.
Girl afraid
Where do his intentions lay ?
Or does he even have any ?
She says :
He never really looks at me
I give him every opportunity
In the room downstairs
He sat and stared
In the room downstairs
He sat and stared
Ill never make that mistake again !
Ill never make that mistake again
Ill never make that mistake again
Boy afraid
Prudence never pays
And everything she wants costs money
But she doesnt even like me !
And I know because she said so
In the room downstairs
She sat and stared
In the room downstairs
She sat and stared
Ill never make that mistake again !
Here we have the case of two people interested in each other but the signs are contradictory. It’s confusing, seriously. I’m gonna just start smiling at her when I see her.
I’m not giving up yet.
Mario
Mario
Don’t forget she was in a group dynamic with her girlfriends that could change a lot. Same as with me they too often change when they are with a bunch of friends and often would not approach a person the same way. Just ignore the eye roll, but if she continues is ways like this pull back from her and don’t go out of your way to only say hello to her.
Why don’t you just say hello to all the girls as if it it’t most natural thing in the world without giving second thoughts to what she or they might be thinking.You are doing it becuase you are a polite guy. You are doing great but it appears to me you are getting a little ahead of yourself and just not enjoying the moment and if it’s supposed to happen it will. This way too you are creating an energy around yourself that wreaks self confidence.
You keep on talking about this is a area where you stretch. I am a huge fan of foam rollers and a great “angel” would possible be for you to be able to add to the girls stretching routine by using rollers and maybe catch their curiosity and teach them. Just a suggestions, I know often I haven gotten in great talks with people at gyms by sharing knowledge.
You are great on the observations keep it up.
David could we get a Podcast of the Smiths in here still don’t know who they are.
Mario:
Get one of those big bouncing balls, drop it next to her, start bouncing up on it wildly and tell her: “come on, let’s bounce and see who bounces higher”….if she does not break a smile, she is either a stuck up bitch or she is into girls:-)
It’s not you man, release your mind from the monkeys…gorillas in your case!!!
Marina,
go here for the video of Girl Afraid
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtSQlHItLnA
Dan the Original,
I’ll just bring all the stability balls into the danceroom and ask her if she wants to go around the gym and hide them like easter eggs.
Mario
don’t forget that girls have the monkey chatter too… i’m worrying about is my hair greasy, face breaking out, clothes okay, if at the gym looking all sweaty and gross, if it’s a pms bloated day, if i’m eating, is there food in my teeth when someone approaches, not to mention everything i’m feeling about everything else going on in my life at the moment, as opposed to guys being so action/outcome focused, i’m always floating in a sea of emotions, and i’m often lost in a million thoughts of my own that have nothing to do with anyone around me. it’s always nice when a guy makes an effort to say hi, even if i’m not interested, i always appreciate it as long as the guy is polite.
“Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape! “
ya know…. all you young guys are really really fortunate , to be able to get such powerful advice as this.
” Why are we telling our friends that? To impress them and to validate ourselves. Who should you be impressing in bed? The woman that you’re with. You should be able to talk to her the next day and say, “Oh man, I fucked you so good last night.” Then when she responds, “Yes you did!” there is all the validation you need!
You don’t need validation from other men.”
Read that over again, NO enlarge the font and print it out and tape it to the the mirror so that you can read it every morning !
I took me a long time to understand that a confident man never feels the need to tell you how well he does something, he realizes that someone will almost always notice that you do those things well…. and of course they will tell YOU.
Like I said it took a long time to come to that realization and David hands you that wonderful advice for free!
Powerful advice David!
Thanks Mario,
Can’t say I missed a lot with the Smiths but I really appreciate you showed me the link.
Girls to suffer from the validation syndrome especially if they are in a group but it’s really only a sign of being insecure on yourself and not being comfortable in your own skin.
Thank you david! I think I’ll go for the “Ripley’s Believe It or Not” award for the most greetings made in one day : )
Phantastic! Love it to death! Big smile on my face!
Magic advise, David. Thanks so much! Enjoyed nothing more than interacting with all the people surrounding me today. Amazing how easy and incredible fun with a lot of new inputs and thoughts.
Tried millions of ways to get rid of them. They have been really a pain the whole day long in my life. Then I found my best solution.
Make friends with your enemy – Stating to yourself: “You know little money on my shoulder. I love you to death and I really appriciate you comments – - BUT you are not better than my dog. All over me when I don’t need you and far way when I need you…so there are two possibilities for you right now. Either you enjoy the new experience with me or you play with the others and leave me alone.” Usually with one eye open he watches the scenery quietly. In the last couple of months he became my adventure friend.