Men Don’t Want To Chase Too Much
February 26, 2009 
99 Comments
You know what’s interesting? Â For some reason or other, a lot of women believe that men like “the chase” and so they will deliberately create a chase. What I mean by “creating a chase” is that they will play emotionally unavailable or play hard to get.
What happens most of the time when women do this, however, is that men will stop chasing. The guys who don’t stop chasing are generally the guys who just want to sleep with these women so they can be the guy who wins the chase.
One of the biggest misconceptions women have about men, is that men like the chase and like women who play hard to get. The truth is, though, that the only guys who enjoy women who play hard to get are the guys who just want to “get” them so they can sleep with them.
Now when I talk about women playing at being emotionally unavailable, I am not suggesting that women ought to dump all their feelings on guys the second they meet (because this WILL cause men to run for the hills). So it’s actually true that men DO like the chase . . . but not in a way that women may understand.
The kind of chase we like is what I call “encouragement chase.” Let me give you an example of this when I go and meet a woman. Let’s say I’m dating a woman and I text her. When I do that, I want a text back from her within an hour or two, not two days later.
Two days later to me shows that she is playing games, and I am going to lose interest. It also shows that she is not worthy of me paying attention to her. That’s exactly what I’m thinking in that situation. Â
For another example, let’s say I call a woman on the phone on Monday and leave her a message telling her I’ve got a great idea for something for us to do that weekend that I want to run by her, and she doesn’t return my call until Thursday. She’s basically telling me she’s not very interested. Â Not only that, if when she calls back on Thursday she asks me what my weekend idea is, then it means that she is playing games. It also means that she is going to lose me.
If I’m going to go and invest my interest in a woman, I want her to reciprocate an equal interest in me. So taking my ‘great idea for the weekend’ phone call as an example, I want a woman who will call me back that night and say “Really? What is it?” Then I’m going to want to keep things moving along with her, because what I’m doing is laying out a game of cat and mouse — I want to see whether or not you’re going to take the bait, and whether you’re going to to run with it.
If you’re available to me when I ask you out, that’s wonderful. Â Granted, if in the beginning you’re available to me 24/7 then I’m not going to be interested.
The encouragement chase I want is you being interested in what I’m presenting to you. If you are not expressing interest in what I’m presenting to you in an effort to make me chase you, I’m going to go and find somebody else every time.
So this whole concept of how guys feel about “the chase” is something that most women don’t understand. What you need to remember is very simple.
If a guy calls you, call him back. If a guy texts you, text him back. If a guy comes up with something interesting he wants to do with you, be excited about that.
With all of these, just think about the way that you feel when men do certain things. If a man makes you wait four days after a date to hear from him, you know he’s not interested in you (and that you are no longer interested in him).
Be a little more open to things and learn this little secret. Â Remember, guys are just gigantic Scooby Doos (which I explain in complete detail in my programs). Give us the ball, we’ll chase after it. Â Throw too far, we may not chase after it anymore.
Good topic David. I was just having this discussion yesterday on Facebook.
My question was: “Why do girls pretend to not be interested in you when they really are?”
Reciprocating interest is so important because that tells us whether we’re wasting our time or not.
About a month ago, I was pursuing this girl. I would email her, talk with her, I made her a cd and never got a response from her. She may have been interested, but she sure didn’t show it. So I moved on. Now I don’t really desire to know what she’s up to like I did before.
Currently, however, I’m pursuing that girl from the gym. Let’s see where that takes me. Wish me luck.
Mario
I dont know about this one. My personal opinion on this is that I dont have the time or patience for games or chasing of any kind. If a girl is interested, shes interested. If shes not, I move on. Unfortunately, we live in a world where its unusual for a woman to ask a guy out or chase a guy around unless she sees something great about him or has really low self esteem and he cheated on/abused her. The whole “science” of dating,f or lack of a better term is built around a guy approaching a girl, striking up a conversation and as is the case with a lot of guys, trying to get her to like him. So usually its all in the girls hands. She usually gets to decide yes or no. I don’t neccesarily think women are under the impression that guys like to chase them around. Most girls, even average looking ones, get hit on non stop, day in and day out. Some girls let it go to their head, get a huge ego and it becomes almost a game to them. Unfortunately, the only guys these girls are going to attract, like you said, are guys that only wanna sleep with them. It actually is a little frustrating at times, to see girls who have the potential to be smart, amazing human beings let themselves get treated that way and then beg for more. My ex girlfriend has the intelligence and looks to be anything she wants. Unfortunately she lacks the self esteem and falls into the same situation. Maybe she kind of skewed my logic or way of thinking, I dunno, but after she broke my heart into a million pieces, I made the decision that never again will I put the time and effort into someone who doesn’t show exemplary character and self esteem. And any girl who is going to make you chase doesn’t really seem liek shes gonna be worth it in the long run. I could be wrong, just my opinion.
MAC,
Sometimes you can be too into a girl and make the mistake of thinking shes just as much into you. If you push too much you will scare her away. Why girls act disinterested sometimes is because they are. Actions speak louder than words. At a certain point if she snot initiating conversation with you, or doing something to show interest other than just responding to you, shes probably not that interested. You definitely made the right move with moving on. if shes not reciprocating, dont waste your time or energy. there are a million girls out there who probably look just as good, if not better with better personality traits. Good luck with the girl at the gym.
MAC,
Maybe she thinks you are gay?
Will Clint Eastood make a CD? Would James Bond do such?
J
The depth of your answers..
You always make me laugh.
Guys it’s your own fault the majority of you out there like a girl with experience but want us to appear innocent as if you are our first one when we first meet.
I am no fan of it and do not do it…Right now it would not work. I am too fat I stalk them instead wishing they would go for me.. ;-(
And we have Coach Jason on the scene..Nice to see you here..
Mario best of luck, just enjoy whatever you get. You made her talk to you this time.
It’s really not that different that telling a great story you give a little, pull back give some more.
But you guys also have to remember that we girls really like little notes during the day. Like miss you, or see you soon. We know you are busy sometimes you tend to forget like our biker boy. We love to hear what you want we don’t like to guess either.
I have to get better I feel like I am cyber stalking the internet the last couple of days.
Roy, Officer Marina is back I will keep a keen eye on your postings and make sure you respond to fellow bloggers. Fines will be imposed, punishment if neccesary former horseback rider really know how to handle a whip.
Hells yeah we do! And its nice to see you too. ; )
Bad move, MAC.
She’s probably thinkin’ you’re either creepy, a weirdo, or both.
What had she done to earn something (which you probably considered so thoughtful and sweet) like a CD?
My bet: nothing.
Too much, too soon, brother. Slow it down a little.
Make her earn it next time.
Mac
I don’t think the cd was a bad idea, if it makes sense with some of the things you have talked about it will come across as very thoughtful. Let say you were talking about music and she said oh used to love this and this or she asked what kind you listen to but did not really know them. Either way you put an effort into it and if it’s the right girl she would not be pushed away by.
This earning thing Willofwhatever said is nonsense what do you think, we are dogs and have to earn things. Talk about games men play.
Mac it’s just have to make sense to what you talk to her about, if it was out of the blue then she might have though why is he doing this. See when you give things and they are well thought out they will be received with surprise and enjoyment. Wow he really got me this one, I was so curious about that kind of music. He paid attention to me.
Well, I’ve moved on. She wasn’t interested, so I counted my losses and moved on. It was just a friendly gesture on my part. I heard she liked 80′s music, so I surprised her with a Smiths cd compilation that I made. I asked her later if she liked it and she said she did. Then again, she kinda acts her age. I’ve met some 21 yr olds who act much older than their age. So, like I said, I moved on.
I def. will not do anything like that on the next girl, however. I wouldn’t want it to be a trademark move of mine. I happen to have a ton of music and so making a music cd is something easy for me.
Marina, maybe deep down she thought it was sweet, but either way, I kinda agree with Will of Fire. I’m gonna move slower next time. I do tend to move too fast and I think that turns off a lot of girls. I don’t know. Does it? Do we have any 20-30 yr old girls on here who can attest to that?
In a perfect world what Marina says would be true…but its far from a perfect world. People, girls especially, dont appreciate anything that comes too easily for too long and they really only appreciate the thoughful things if you hold some sort of value to them. If you start making cd’s and expressing your undying love and affection to a girl too soon shes gonna run away. You’ll appear needy and insecure. Not attractive qualities. This goes back to the theory what a girl says she wants isnt always exactly what she wants. Im not saying be a stone cold jerk and do nothing romantic or sweet ever..just in moderation and when appropriate. I mean why would you spend all your time and energy on someone before you even knew if they were worth it as a human being? Dont fool yourself and get infatuated with looks and dont expect to get to know the real person til about a few months in. When someone wants you to like them, which most people do, they put on a facade of sorts. Once they know they have you, thats when you get to see who they really are.
And by the way Mac, in a completely heterosexual way, if you made me a Smiths compilation, id be yours forever jk
I think I have an article that might help you out a lot MAC, it basically explains human behavior centuries ago and why they had to behave that way. Then it correlates it to modern day society. The truth and reality of it is this…if you want to attract immature younger girls…its all a popularity contest. Who is the most popular, who do all the other girls want, who dresses the best, who drives the nicest car etc etc. A girl that is actually worth something is a different story. Shes gonna want someone strong, a leader of the family of sorts. A provider, someone faithful, honest, commonalities, etc etc. if you wanna check out the article let me know.
Very true David! But really, what you said comes down to the Golden Rule doesn’t it? Treat other people the way you would want to be treated. Women get uptight and angry if a guy doesn’t call after 2-3 days, but yet, they will often do the very same thing to him, without that double standard ever occurring to them. That includes the guy they’re dating, not just some Joe Stranger they gave their # to over the weekend.
And then after playing hard to get because some silly book called “The Rules” or maybe their mother told them to, they don’t hear from the guy after waiting 3 days to text or call him back with their reply to “Got a great idea for this weekend!” So Jane Hardtoget calls back on Thursday or Friday in response to his text from Monday.
But something weird happens, or doesn’t happen rather. David or Kheim or Mike or Yakub or insert your bf’s name here doesn’t answer or text back anymore. Why not? You’ve only played that hard to get game with him twice. According to The Rules or other such BS rulebook, “a guy should respond back immediately! The girl should always play games with him and lead him around by the balls, but if a guy won’t play that game, that is completely unacceptable!! How dare him!!” That is the rule, and they’ve learned that from every sappy Meg Ryan type chick flick they’re ever seen.
So this is what gets guys confused too… is she playing hard to get when she texts back 3 days later, is she not that interested but likes the continuous attention, is she just really busy, does she see you as just a friendly guy, and on and on… And we have no idea which play/strategy she’s going for. I’d like to hear more from other females and their take on this issue.
Mac, why don’t you ask her directly about the CD you sent her and why you haven’t heard from her. You are genuinely interested in knowing why, no?
Jim,
We were weaning MAC form the CD making Biz, and now you show up…
RE: Jim C. Says: “Yes this is why guys get confused…”
TO ALL:
Can anyone say that persistance eventuated into a fun, enjoyable relationship?
Is this a Hollywood myth?
David,
Are you sure that when you call or text a woman, and it’s a couple of days before she gets back to you is always a sign of low interest or playing games? Could it be that she was just really busy? Granted, if you’ve called a couple of times with no answer, it’s definitely time to move on, but I recently dated someone that did not always call back or text immediately. I seriously doubt that she was playing games as she was upfront with me with just about everything.
Dave
The Smiths are great!!!
Tony, if you meant me, then I am deeply honored that you put me in the same sentence as David, Khiem, and Yakub. If you didn’t mean me, then I’m just going to have try harder to get noticed.
Making a CD (the dreaded mix-tape) always reminds people of John Cusak. You don’t want to be John Cusak. Nobody wants to be John Cusak. John Cusak doesn’t want to be John Cusak. I agree with the too soon folks.
Great post David!
I think I have to go pod-cast. (see comment from yesterday’s thread)
Mike
j-dude,
Haha, enjoying the humor there. Several of you can’t be wrong when you say that’s a bit too much. I’m not gonna make cd’s for anyone anytime soon unless they themselves ask for one.
Jim,
I did ask her what she thought about the cd and she said she liked it but didn’t really show any emotions. I wasn’t at all offended as I wasn’t really interested seriously anyway because of her age.
Which brings me to…
Jason,
I totally agree with you. I don’t want a 21 yr old girl unless she’s got the mentality of a girl who’s at least 25. And even then some 25 yr olds are retarded. She was just a cute girl and I wanted to possibly hang out and have some fun. That was all. Who I really want is that one girl who will be my companion for life and help me pay my mortgage!
Send me that article Jason. I appreciate it.
Such a good blog going on today!
I like that Mike,
“John Cusack doesn’t want to be John Cusack” Is the dreaded mix tape from a movie he made? I’m not a big 80′s movies fan, like I am with the Smiths.
It was in a 1989 movie. John Cusak and a young Jack Black in Say Anything. Also, boomboxes blasting in the middle of the night to express your love came from that movie too.
MAC,
Next time, make her a Steak instead of a CD… even if she’s a veggie, some of them don’t eat meat, but they sure like the bone.
After doing some research, I have to call myself out on my inacurate movie knowledge. They make fun of mix tapes in High Fidelity (2000) and that is the one with Jack Black. But I vaguely remember something similar in High Fidelity. Anyone else remember?
Man, I am tried. I meant mix tape in High Fidelity. But it might have happened in Say Anything as well.
Ok I will let it go after this comment.
Everyone on the board today is a bunch of guys yes’ing each other to death. Not that different when girls come together and talk about boys, the problem is they are both missing the point and not seeing the bigger picture.
The bigger issue here is who do you want to attract and how do you interact with everyone. From my point of view and how I live when I interact with other involves a lot of things I see I might buy or information I might give to others because I think they might appreciate them from my observations of them. I know if someone did that to me I would really feel special.
I think you are all wrong on this one from a girl view, especially if the thought/gift/action is relevant to you and shows you that the other person took effort to listen and figure you out. When you keep on doing that in the end you just might end up in a relationship where you partner puts equally great energy in trying to find things/actions that makes you happy. I do this all the time to everyone not just if it’s someone I might be interested in and sure enough I found a husband where one of his most amazing things were that he was able to figure out what would make me happy every day.
It’s about constantly grabbing these small clues people give us and put them in motion, and if someone does not appreciate it who cares they are not worth having around anyway because they will never just be happy with who you are.
Enough but don’t just let go of this way of thinking.
Marina,
The hidden message is for guys to act in a way that is attractive to a potential GF/lover candidate. The things I may do for Grandma, are not the things I do for someone I just met and I am trying to shag.
J
A guy who gives or does an act to you based on things you have talked about will appear very attractive to a girl, because she knows he listens to her, which a lot of guys has a tendency not to do.
Now that I’m off work and at a coffee bean, I have some time to clear things up Marina. I made her a cd just for the sake of making it. It’s something I do. I didn’t think much of it. It was a kind gesture on my part. I thought she might enjoy it, but it must’ve not been what she really was looking for because it got me no response.
Here’s what I think, she is just intimidated by me. I really think that is all. I’m better than average looking and she’s ok. Like I said, I didn’t think much of it. I don’t think she wanted me to chase her, besides, I had already made three attempts to get a response from her and still I got nothing. It’s cool. I wasn’t broken-hearted over it. I simply moved on.
In the past, I have sent two different girls on two separate occasions and I at least got a positive response. My problem is moving too fast. I know I need to take my time before I advance. How much time is the question.
But Mac just because you mail her a cd I don’t think you are moving too fast. It was something relevant to talk you had that showed you paid attention. Really the same as when someone emails you something funny because they have found out it makes you laugh or happy. If you do this to everyone it just becomes how you treat other people you yourself describes it as a kind gesture. I do get you have moved on, but I still think this way of thinking you have is the right one.
Listen at some point you will meet someone where this kind of first impression will stand out. Great connections with girls happens when you guys surprise us with things/actions we had not thought of asking for but you have figured out that we would like them. It’s the thought behind you actions that really win us over big time. I can’t tell you how many girl friends who all say the same men really don’t listen to all we say. We well appreciated and valued.
I have to listen to who the smits’s are, never heard about them before.
Marina,
What were you saying?
I’d say this is true. I think the misconception comes mostly from the fact that people enjoy things more if they’ve had to earn them. However, chasing for the sake of chasing is not that much more of a turn-on… it’s mostly just a pain in the ass.
J-dude, I like the idea of the steak! haha
If she doesn’t like the steak, then I’ll just introduce her to Mike Hawk. He’s good with the ladies.
Good read, and I agree with almost all of it. My only problem, David, is when you said…
“Granted, if in the beginning you’re available to me 24/7 then I’m not going to be interested.”
I have friends that feel that way as well and I’ve always found it to be ridiculous and somewhat game-ish. If someone genuinely likes you and they make themselves available early on when you suggest something simply because they either like you and your company and/or happen to be free at those times, that should not be a deterrent.
I find a lot of men and women think that way and deliberately make themselves unavailable when they really are free, just to give the impression that they have other things going on, even though they really want to see that person and get to know he/she more.
I’ve always been accused of being “too honest” about things, and it seems like there’s somewhat of a ‘white lie’ element to dating that most ppl are quite fine with (and i’ll admit that it seems to work) but it bothers me a lot.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s how I feel. Is that some form of giving ones power away??
Has ever occurred to u guys that mom was the one who beat this in our heads. Okay this is my game plan:
1. I will let you know somehow that I am interested.
2. I wont let you in on the secret just yet. Too soon to tell.
3. I might come up with something that may give you a hint?
4. Come chasing I may pull the same stunt you did.
5. Then you come off as wanting to be friends.
6. Okay buster brown lets play turn the tables you want me then prove it to me.
7. Okay I look up and see you sitting in the same spot I am.
8. Now I know that you have been caught up in the charms of my Pisces ways.
9. Look out I will stalk you but you better show me something in return or I will turn the tables again.
I know I tried this on one guy and I can not shake him off with a stick. It is fun but once you show me you have some sort of feelings for me then I will try to top you.
Has it ever…..correction
Lets your fingers do the typing faster than your mind can think. Guess what now the guy sends messages that he wants to talk to me. About what I don’t know. All I am going to say to be continued.
Sandra,
Good list! Nice flirting there.
Be careful w the guy that’s calling you… either he will try to make you a CD or will cook you a steak.
As long as you are aware of your weak points.
j-dude,
You’re hilarious. ha ha. I’ve learned my lesson. I got it now.
J Dude
That is if I can catch up with him first or is it that he will catch up to me? Hey I know what will make a man run as fast as the wind talk to him about marriage and children. lol Thanks for the comment.
Or should I say thanks to my mom. You know the Old School.
MAC,
You’d be a great wingman, we tried teasing you about the CD, and you just laughed it off.
Actually it brings me back real memories. A while back I met this lady thorugh Online dating. We decided to meet for lunch, for the very first time. Right away, she tells me she liked doing some singing on the side and then hands me a CD and tells me I can have it. It felt funny. I was thinking “I’m trying to figure out if you give me a hard on… now this plastic disk, it doesn’t give me a hard on…”.
The cooking something at your place, for a lady… I don’t know why, but it’s irresistible to them. As long as is not a hot dog in the microwave! Normally they think “do we have to eat first, cuz this guy really makes me wet”.
MAC
If u don’t have it by now then there is something wrong man. Just beware of the woman you are dating and what the Old School is teaching her. lol
J Dude
What do you think a woman can do with wiener hot dog just think as she is putting it in her mouth how about the finger going in and out. Remind you something. I have done this to a guy and heard him say I can get into that.
Sandra,
What do you think when a man is having a frozen Margarita w salt on the rim, takes a sip, and then starts licking the salt… but wait, I’m doing it, looking at you, while you are sitting on the table across, w a different guy…
j-dude,
I’ve done the wingman thing and you’re right, i’m good at it. You know, I am glad I’m on this blog site, sometimes I have no one to steer me out of my pansy ways that I think will impress the girl. And you’re right, I’ve cooked dinner for a girl and as soon as we were done nibbling I had her on my couch panting. I can see now how it would feel if a girl handed me a cd. Not good.
You know, don’t underestimate me. I can be a charmer but then sometimes I can come off as a gentle posie picker.”. I’,m not sure why I do that. I guess I’m just trying different approaches to see which works best. I’ve found that the more aggressive I am, the better results i get, so I’m sticking with that.
Thanks for encouraging me. And I can take some criticism. I ain’t gonna sit and cry because I goofed. Take it like a man and change your methods is what I say.
We should have a mixer or some type of meet where we can all share our success stories and then go out and make some more stories.
J Dude
Your answer you want some of my peach pie desert. Or you like salt on the pussy.
Now I have one for us women who have brothers and daddies. Now the best thing for our bf to do is be best friends with them because:
1. Bring bf home to meet dad for the first Oh he sees the Old School. Now dad knows what this guy is up too.
2. Dad gives guy a hawk eye look.
3. One of the brothers takes your bf outside and gives him the do’s and don’ts about the sis. Now you are wondering as your bf walks back in the house acting weird around you.
Now bf leaves.
1. Dad asks you what kind of job he has and how much does he make?
2. Brother has done his homework on this guy and knows some dirt on him.
3. Behind bf’s back brother tells sis hey don’t mess with that guy.
4. Now you wonder did he pass daddy’s little girl test because if bf flunks it then he is on the get rid of this guy list.
5. Brother has talk with dad.
Now you can decide whether or not to kill brother or just ignore him. Oh guys some women leave under the influence of a dad or brother. That is why they can take or leave it. But did you know this can go for the woman as well that you bring home to meet mom. Now she has to pass sis and mom’s baby boy tests. What the person should do in this is say hey it is my life and let me live it. I am a big girl now or the guy I am a man now let me live my life and learn from it. If you don’t believe this tell is true ask me my dad will ask me these questions so I better give you an application before you go to see him. lol
correction some women live under the influence of a brother or dad. But my parents let me live my own life for I am a big girl now. But no one knows me best than my dad. I will always be daddy’s little girl and mom’s baby girl.
Sandra,
Only one problem though… you never brought home a 6’3″ kickboxer!
I’m going to sleep. Pls promise me you are keeping your hands above your waist, during these blogs.
Facundo – Yes, I do know someone who was won over by sheer persistence – my sister – on a long domestic flight. She got on a plane for home, hoping to nap after teaching a week-long workshop. She was tired and preoccupied but the guy next to her didn’t give up and kept engaging her in conversation for the entire flight. They’ve been together now over 20 years. Go figure.
j-dude – you’re wondering why women like it when men cook? We’d like to think that you’re at least a tad house-broken (as in you don’t need us for domestic service), although there are exceptions. We also like to see if a guy knows how to use tools that aren’t attached. One of my friends can’t cook worth a damn and now she is dating a guy who cooks really well. Then there are those like the ex-boyfriend who could cook but his favorite offering was tube steak (yeah, THAT kind).
So, where can I order up a kickboxer for home delivery? No gift wrapping required.
J Dude
More like with my eyelids shut riding a severe Thunderstorm that went through last night at 50 mph winds in a trailer. Anyway I was laughing my ass off.
Mike Hawk and Buster Brown in the same blog. My lucky day.
I was being sarcastic about the mix tape. I agree with the everything original is better than the repeats during the summer months.
I had this one friend who collected pez in Canada. When the election rolled around, they had limited edition “prez pez” that I knew she wouldn’t get in Canada. So even though I hadn’t seen her in over four years I bought her a set and sent it to her. For every friend I have, I have an association list for them in my mind and I’m always thinking of ways to surprise people.
Plus I can cook really well. It’s an art form now, not a chore. I actually get a little annoyed with people who can’t cook. Can’t they see the immense joy in it? Or are you ust being lazy? It’s cheaper, healthier and doesn’t come with a surly cook chance of spit.
Mike
Dont worry about it MAC, I used to be under the impression that if you wanted a girl you should be all up her ass and do whatever she wants…kind of what Marina was saying. One day you’ll get to the point where you’re tired of taking everyones bullshit and start looking for what you want instead of trying to impress everyone else. When you get to that point you’ll start to notice a huge difference in how everyone, especially girls look at you. Gone are the days of the friend zone, not getting returned calls etc etc. Just be careful once you do find a girlfriend that you dont fall back into old ways. It may seem arrogant or cocky at firs, but it really isnt. It’s just not being a doormat or a lapdog.
Jason
If you are going to refer to what I am saying get it right, I never said to do whatever she wants only what makes sense to the conversation you have had with the person. It’s about creating experiences together and this is the way it begins.
You guys sound as if you never have been in a truly succesful realtionship where the amount of energy both parties put into it is equally intense. When both parties have this attitude there is so many things you don’t need to discuss because you get what makes each other happy. I feel sorry you guys have not had that amazing experience in life.
It’s about doing what you want to attract. Being the person you want to attract. I want to be with some one who goes out of his way to find things that will surprise and show me he is so in to me his mind goes overdrive to figure me out.
K,
Thanks.
And I think persistence for a very short term basis such as a plane ride is an example of when there’s a potential pay off.
The persistence I consider a Hollywood myth is the kind where a girl goes from uninterested to interested after weeks or months of a guy calling, writing et al.
To be clear: I think even the Hollywood brand of persistence can work (think Chasing Amy). I think this can happen if you’re dealing with a girl who eventually drops a lot of emotional guards and doesn’t feel pressured by you, and then is in a space where she finds herself wanting you.
But it’s less likely.
Thoughts?
I think I did get it right ; ). And I agree…once you are with the other person. Which is exactly what I was saying. But he wasn’t in a relationship with her. That sort of behavior too soon leads to all sorts of bad situations. And how can you attract someone that way before you even really know them? Basically what you are telling them is “Hey, based on your looks alone, which is all I truly know about you as of right now, I’m gonna do all these special little things for you to try and get you to like me.”…if thats how you want guys to attract you, good luck with those kind of guys. Thats usually how a guy who’s just trying to secure a piece of ass acts. That or a guy with weak self esteem that you can walk all over and do whatever you like to. Is that really what YOU’RE looking for?
It really just depends Facundo. usually with persistence after months of showing no interest and finally she does, shes basically telling you that you are her fall back plan. It’s rare you’re gonna really find someone worth chasing for that long. If you do, she probably won’t make you chase much at all. If a girl isn’t reciprocating any real interest in you, you can try to win her over for months and months. But most likely you’re just gonna end up hurting your own dignity and pride.
That it Jason
the gloves are coming off…:-)
WE AGRRE THAT WE DISAGREE…
Who you are and what you do is what you attract. These acts got nothing to do with the relationship and how deep you are in it. I do it to people who’s path crosses mine and if something comes up that I might think they would appreciate I will share.
Gee what’s going on don’t you have Paul to bother.
trying to kill time at work.
see you
Damn you Jason
You just cost my $2000 talking to you about giving..I just put you on ignore
Ha..who the hell is Paul?..and I didnt cost you a dime. I’m not the one posting on a blog at work, so dont blame me for your mistakes. Ignore away! But let me know how that whole giving before you know someone thing works out for ya.
sorry thought you were another jason who knows a Paul
No ma’am.
Yeah Marina, no steak for you.
The problem i have is that… I’m like online for about 8 hours a day (instant messaging)
)
(its for my job, dont ask
Problem is when I have a girl I like. She will see me online that much, and talk to me…
I can’t start a chase than!
Its as david said. Be there for me sure, but not 24/7…
But I have to be online for my job, so I get the feeling girls sometimes think
‘Oh there he is… again…’ That i’m not a challenge you know…
Any advice how to make it look like i’m not easy, although I need to be online…
(saying things like ‘I have a meeting’ are a bit cheesy not?)
I want to create a chase!
J
Uh just a small sample bite…
So boys this means we girls don’t really need to swallow until you have proven you earned it !!!!!!
Armandos,
I work an hour a day if that for my paying job which pays very well, so I have a lot of time to do things like post on blogs. I usually give a small and funny warning to new people that are about to experience the typing wrath I bring on the unsuspecting. You could try that. But when I can tell someone is not taking the time to bother reading what I write, I stop giving that luxury to them. Because now they don’t respect it. If you want to chat with someone online, and you think you are bugging them, don’t even worry about that.
Jason and MAC,
You can have a great connection at any stage of a relationship. If you give a gift like a “mix tape” and you just make it a collection of songs that you enjoy, then it comes off weird. If you listened to what she said about the Smiths or 80′s music and make a “mix” based on that, then you are doing something good. She might not be used to guys paying her attention like that. You could say, well, if a CD was too much, why don’t I just start with a sticker, or whatever. It is about the connection.
Marina,
Jason and MAC are talking about the “Joe Cool” attitude. It is a good way to lead your life if you choose that path and the girls seem to be interested in these guys because they seem to have their confidence game at an “A” level. If they aren’t capable of reaching the next stage, the mature fun guy to hang out with, then I’m sure the women in their lives will disappear faster than they can type.
I’m guessing Joe Cool Jason is from the camp where it used to seem like attention meant attraction and giving gifts to get attention is part of that. It is not based on connecting for these guys, it is based on procedural thoughts. “I think I need to give attention to get attention, so I’m going to make a mixed CD.”
The men you like that gave you this attention who were also confident about who they were would have had different thoughts going on, like, “Wow, she didn’t really seem into the CD, that’s too bad. Let me see what else makes her tick since I still find her compelling and interesting and someone I want to talk to.”
Mike
I remember a song years ago that went Karina Karina now today it is Marina Marina. You guys give Marina a break yes it is correct a man will read and hear what he wants to hear and disregards the rest. Looking for a place that only he will know. Yes I am playing butinski.
Mike,
Joe Cool? What are you 65? You arent by chance sipping a free cup of coffee while typing that at white castle with your laptop are you? jk…Thats not at all what I am saying. What i am saying is this…You have to really know someone in order to have a true connection with them. otherwise you are just infatuated with who you want them to be. So if a girl isn’t showing much interest or you barely know her and you give her a mixed cd with 80′s music or the smiths she may very well think “aww what a sweet guy”. But thatd oesnt mean anything…I’m sure you mom has said that to you before. generally, what will happen, is what DID happen! The girl said thank you and thats about it because there was no real connection established yet.
And what does being confident and taking it slow as to not fall head over heels for someone you dont even really know have to do with not being able to take things to the next level? And just out of curiosity…atention doesnt equal attraction? Hmmmm…so if a girl is ignoring you for days, weeks or even months at a time, clearly shes extremely interested, but just playing hard to get right? if a girl wants to talk to you, spend time with you, see you at all, she will. What “camp” I doc ome from is the camp that believes that I’m not going to bend over backwards or chase anyone who isn’t A) worth the time or B) not showing any real interest back.
I’m by no means saying its wrong to do something nice or special for someone at all. What i am saying is it by no means creates attraction. Attraction is created by who you are not what you can do for someone. Do you want her to be around you because she likes you and spends time with you? or do you want her to be around you because you give her things all the time?
In this case it probably was just him trying to do something he thought would be nice based on a conversation they had. But maybe she just really wasnt THAT into the smiths or 80′s music, maybe it was just something she said in a passing moment. Its hard to sayw hen you dont really know the person or have a true connection, especially if she isnt showing that much interest in the first place.
Understood? ok, im glad we agree.
Oh, and as far as being online all the time…why wouldnt you just explain that when they ask what you do for a living? if they even notice it at all, they’ll either ask why you’re online all the time, or not even pay attention to it.
Facundo – One of the threads running through many of the guys’ posts on this subject is that they don’t understand where women’s heads may be at (including up their butts) due to things apart from any guy approaching them. Kind of like the guy with the “gym-girl” encounter: her head was simply somewhere else but when he stopped her again to clear the air, she was nice and the thoughts that he suspected were dismissed by her. His conclusions were faulty but he would have never known if he hadn’t tried again.
I do think that persistence is important but so is keeping your options open. I know many people in the very large company where I work who ended up with their “other half” after a false start…or two or three! Often they were working through things from other areas of their lives like work or family as well as getting over an old ex and weren’t open to accepting any new input, so to speak. But catch them at a time or in a situation when their problems WEREN’T foremost in their minds and you suddenly find them to be not only receptive but responsive, and in a much more positive and encouraging way.
You can try again when the mood or situation moves you but I would hope that you wouldn’t stop seeing other women as equally worthy of your attentions. It’s like when David says that you have to stop being outcome-dependent on every effort that you expend. If every shot requires a score, you will end up in a zero sum game. That’s why what I’ve been learning here is to apply the same principles of not just persistence but also consistency and better self-awareness to my social efforts in the same way that I apply myself to learning work skills and their subject matter. It’s definitely a paradigm shift. Maybe I should “perseverance” to that list.
Guys’ stories about “the one that got away” all sound alike to me – she wanted something else, etc. I think that you would be surprised about the way that women talk about the same thing. Most of the stories that I hear from women are about bad timing – which is why I believe that the persistence thing on a guy’s part is very valuable in the end. But it would be totally creepy if you were even remotely obsessed about the girl which is why keeping your options open is a good practice. You might miss someone even better!
Here’s my 2 cents.
Making a CD for someone, as well as emailing them and texting them will make you come off as desperate to the girl you’re chasing. Desperation is not attractive. I think women and men can agree on this one thing. I’ve had a guy in the past do something similar to Mac. He emailed me, texted me and he would be very thoughtful and give me gifts but that was putting pressure on me to like him. I didn’t like him in that way in the first place, I thought friends sure, but he was never a candidate for a relationship IMO. He must have taken my invitation for friendship the wrong way and thought I wanted to be pursued. This was unfair to both of us. He was obviously trying to win my affections but I only wanted to be friends. When he asked me on a date, and I declined, I could tell he would be crushed. I told him I’d like to remain friends if possible. Now I never led him on in any way so I don’t think I was being cruel. It’s wrong to initiate a relationship this way. I would rather he had just communicated with me over text and if he was interested, maybe ask me on a date, and even if I said no at least it would have been easier for us both to move on. He wouldn’t have the embarassment of displaying too much interest in me from the get go and I would’nt have the embarassment of rejecting him despite his keen interest.
In my experience, I hate it when a guy comes on too strong but I also hate it when a guy takes DAYS to respond to a simple text asking how they are. I figured that if you take days to respond to someone, you’re uninterested, plain and simple. I broke it off with him because I couldn’t be assed with chasing him and getting nothing in return.
Currently I’m dating a guy who texts me maybe once a day, just saying hi, asking how I am and I appreciate that. The longest he has gone without texting me has been one day and that was because he was busy with his hobby which he loves and I respect that. He doesn’t come off as depserate at all and guys who think that texting everyday is bad are wrong if you want to attract women like me. By that I mean, a woman who is looking for the prospect of a long relationship, not a purely sexual one. If you want to sleep with a women, play all the games you like, but that would repel someone like me.
In return, I always text a guy back and never leave him hanging. Depends if I’m at work or not, but I usually text him back within an hour, sometimes longer obviously if I’m busy, but I ALWAYS text him back. I don’t know if that’s a good thing on my part but I find it’s just plain manners to respond to someone. I don’t lead a guy on and never respond to him. To me that’s plain bitchy. And hounding a guy with texts every few hours, every single day, is something a don’t do either (but I think a lot of women do) because only women with poor self esteem would be that anxious to hear from a guy who likes her. I wouldn’t like it if my guy texted me constantly.
It really shouldn’t be that complicated but we’re all too focused on playing games to make them want you more. Games are for kids.
Mike,
I agree with you about “it is about the connection”. The thing is, the only connection I made with her was introducing myself. There wasn’t any substance in that so when I approached her to give her the CD, I said, “Hey, I made you this CD, but I won’t tell you who it is until you listen to it” She said, “Aw, how sweet” and I went on my way. I was hoping the CD would eventually lead to a conversation where I would be able to make a connection, but it never did and so I left it at that, moved on, and after reading this blog, will never make a CD mix tape for a girl –even if she asks!! ha ha
Jason,
you’re right on everything you’ve said. I agree over and over again. I went in too early and got nothing. I’m gonna concentrate on making connections before anything else. A girl will truly respond to that rather than a minute gift like a CD of the Smiths from 1986 that she didn’t even recognize because she’s 21 years old. I’m also attributing her not making a connection because of the big gap between us (I’m 31). I asked her a few days later when I saw her again if she had identified the group and she said no. I was shocked, but then again, she wasn’t even born when the Smiths were out and it would take an older sibling or parent to get you into that music when you’re young.
I think that was all. She didn’t have enough knowledge to respond to the connection I was trying to make.
Mac,
And that’s why we keep bugging you about the “mix tape”. Don’t leave it out of your repertoire, but definately learn when to use it.
Jason,
I think we are agreeing on the same thing here. I’m not 65 and that was a Snoopy reference, please.
I was using Joe Cool as a way to bridge your conversation for Marina, who seemed to not understand what you guys were hamming about.
By the way, there are opportunities for learning about a person the moment you step in front of them. Like David teaches, attraction begins with introduction. I’m a writer and I am attentive, and you know what that does for me? That lets me instantly connect with someone.
I am not a Joe Cool guy. I am more of a laugh and smile all the time guy. I disarm you by being a jokester and a prankster and men and women always ALWAYS give away so much about who they are and what kind of person they are in the first five minutes of conversation, that it doesn’t matter if you are playing it straight and with sunglasses on or if you are joking around and creating positive good energy.
The point is be yourself and enjoy people for who they are. If you are doing the first part, the second part is automatic for people because they don’t have to try and think of your angle because they know what they are seeing is what they are getting. They don’t try and hide as much behind their assumptions.
I’d sit down with my laptop and make a mix tape right there on the spot if the conditions were right for me to be memorable and the person was going to enjoy it. The difference is, I would let the conversation lead to the idea. Mac suprised her, which is not a bad thing, but the smooth attitude would have helped more to facilitate that.
Mike
Jason,
“And what does being confident and taking it slow as to not fall head over heels for someone you dont even really know have to do with not being able to take things to the next level? And just out of curiosity…atention doesnt equal attraction?”
The being confident part is not necessary.
Attention does equal attraction, but there are other ways too.
I don’t fall head over heels for anyone anymore, that’s for hormone fueled teenagers.
And to clarify…
Being confident is necessary, but for me bored as hell with you is just as good. I think I meant to say confidence with yourself is essential. Confidence that the person you are approaching is going to respond, is not necessary.
Mike,
I’m kidding about the “mix-tape”. I’ve made mix tapes for other girls in the past. Girls I wasn’t really interested in, but we shared the same taste in music (I specialize in 1950′s obscure Doo Wop) and they would tell me they would listen to the CD over and over and text me asking me what the name of that song was and so forth. So this chick was just a dud and it was my first time experiencing a “no” reaction.
Mario
Catching up slowly…
Dan was all over the Smiths in 1986. Still one of my favorite bands of all time. If the girl was 21 she would have no clue. I agree with Jason, make a fucking connection before you pull it out…the CD I mean:-)
Nice to see Marina so active and Sandra so inactive….oh oh, here comes the post attack, duck!!!:-)
Olivia: GREAT post, please post more often!
Back to working on my new crystall ball, this one I think is going to tell me where the bottom is in this mother of all bear markets:-)
Keep me on speedcall when you find the bottom, does this market make any sense at all. Pretty good for daytrading though. Nice to see you back
Good topic! The problem only is that if the guy calls you, and you call him back immediately, the guy may think that you are easy to get! And there is no end to it…
Hi David,
It’s been a while, i have lost somewhere and trying to catching up your blogs. I just love it these blogs
Thank you
“So boys this means we girls don’t really need to swallow until you have proven you earned it !!!!!!”
screw that…I bet she’ll also give the advice of “just be urself bullshit” give me a break. this is outright manipulation guys. stop putting up with it.
did i miss something here LOL?
Revolt LOL
It’s a f…ing joke
David you know some of my comments and questions I ask are off the Wall …lol
Exactly, who the heck wants to jump through a bunch of hoops for a female just to get a lay?…or even just a “mere” date (on your expense by the way). I say don’t waste your time on ANY female who isn’t giving you choosing signals.
I hate chasing… period.
To me… a guy who knows he got his life good doesn’t chase much.
I’d like to say… I prefer to create opportunities for the woman to get to know me… for the both of us to connect… but I’m not gonna chase after her around the block 20 times. She has to see what she has in front of you and come to me too!
It’s about reciprocating interest and using momentum to really connect and bond.
Khiem,
What is your favorite way to create these opportunities?
I’ve been chasing this girl for a while now (since Oct). I’ve been very casual about texting/calling as (she’s 20 and I’m 29) and she is in her final year of uni. After dating a few times she backed off and I assumed, with the lack of contact for a month, that it was done and dusted. Then she got back in touch and we started dating again…she says because of her Uni situation she’s scared of getting involved with a relationship but I said lets just spend a bit of time together to see if anything develops. A bit needy but I am keen on her. For valentine’s day I got her a travel journal as she’s thinking of going travelling on the summer….perhaps a bit too much too soon but it was valentine’s day!
Last week she invited me round her house and cooked me a meal, we held hands on the couch and then she initiated a kiss which turned into the best one we’d had so far. As her hoiusemates were in the house I didn’t want to push her to let me stay so I left. Sent her a text a day or so later asking if she wanted to meet up (today) and she hasn’t replied. Can’t quite get my head around it….she has blanked a text from me before which led to me assuming she wasn’t interested and hence me thinking it was done and dusted!
Apologies for hijacking this post but there’s some good advice on here and I was hoping for some advice.
Jonny
Jonny,
That sounds like something that would happen to me. Actually, it has happened to me. I hate to say it, but the last little rendezvous you had with her could have been her fall back plan to possibly get some and fulfill her needs, which apparently didn’t happen. Keep it cool with her, but definitely continue meeting other chicks. If possible, let her see you with another chick and let her see that you’re enjoying yourself.
In my case, I had the girl over, we made out while my hands we everywhere and then I ask her to come over a week later and she completely ignored my text. I couldn’t understand why she would do that, and then I realized the only logical explanation was that she was horny and wanted to have some fun with me because her first choice wasn’t available.
Don’t settle for being 2nd best, unless you can get some. ha ha.
Jessica,
I create opportunities based on seeing where I can deepen the connection. It’s really based on the girl that I meet. I am always looking for things that we could enjoy together. Part of it is letting her see my world… and part of it is letting her invite me to her world.
So for example, let’s assume that she gets curious or interested based on the idea that I like art. I’d take her to one of my favorite events… which is a bi-monthly art exhibit called Create Fixate. Everything I do is based on what I know of her… of her interest… and also what I want to show her about me.
So it’s hard for me to describe what are my favorite ways to create opportunities. If I was to describe it, I’d say, I like to create opportunities by making memorable time together…. something very unique that could only happen between her and I.
Johnny,
Besides the idea that she was looking to get some… maybe you didn’t make her feel appreciated enough.
When women try to do things to please you, to impress you… like cooking… like planning an evening for you, they want to feel rewarded, appreciate for the things they do for you.
Most of the women want that you really connected with her. So even though you kissed her… did it really show enough that you liked what she did for you?
Women will set a lot of opportunities for you to consummate the relationship if she likes you… but if you keep on dropping the ball when it’s time to man up… she’ll feel rejected.
Thanks for the replies guys. I know what you’re saying but her housemates were literally in the same room for the whole night while she was holding my hand on the sofa and she does seem shy about public expression of romance etc (maybe to to with our age differences). As it got quite late I thought I’d better get going and I didn’t feel that trying to stay would look or feel appropriate. As we said goodbye by her door that’s when she fully lunged in for the kiss…it was the best kiss we’ve had so far so I think I showed my appreciation in that respect.
Another thing is that on a day-date the week before I got her back to mine and onto my bed but she didn’t seem comfortable. We were having laugh and kissing but as it escalated she said she “didn”t expect to be on my bed so soon”. I didn’t force the issue so had a laugh about it and walked her home a bit later.
Johnny, could you not have moved to her room instead of staying on the sofa? Could you not have suggested to take a walk somewhere just to be alone with her?
As far as her being on your bed, her telling she didn’t expect to be on your bed so soon ACKNOWLEDGES the fact that she is surprised… but by her STAYING on your bed is indication that she didn’t mind after all.
You have to not just look at what a person tell you but what it really indicates. I’m not saying that you had to push yourself on her… but I hear right now a lot more excuses rather than… seeing things as opportunities for you to keep things moving forward.
Once again, I can’t tell you for sure since I’m not the one who was standing/sitting with the girl. But I just wanted to give you new ways of looking at things.
Yeah I hear ya – I do think I try to do the softly, softly gentleman approach a bit too much. She still hasn’t git back in touch so I guess it’s best left now. I’m not throwing in the towel but this girl knows how much I like her and don’t want to chase too hard. Thanks again for the replies!
)
Good advice Khiem!
I agree with some of this, and only to an extent. The premise that the guys who are willing to chase women – to the very end – are guys who just want to sleep with them…I don’t buy it. And I don’t think that any girl who has been hurt before buys it, either.
Look. Women who aren’t just the typical slut..The ones who DON’T want a guy who just wants to sleep with them.. The ones who want a real boyfriend..I think that these women will make you chase (sometimes pretty hard) because they realize that the average dickhead dude who just wants to bang them will give up after certain amount of time/hoops to jump through/chasing…He’ll move on hoping that the next prospect is easier..And chances are, the next prospect will be..
In other words, she’s saying “you have to prove how much you REALLY want to be with me before I will concede.” She’s weeding out the non-hackers, so to speak. Don’t get weeded out.
Always remember, women have the most to lose in any given relationship scenario. They are the ones who could get pregnant, and left high and dry. They are more emotionally vulnerable, as well. So by virtue of this, they will mitigate the risks appropriately (if they are smart and actually learn from the times when they didn’t).
Look at the role of boyfriend as a job. Some people put in an application and then call it a day. Sometimes, depending on the job, they may get a call back. But as everyone knows, the most coveted jobs are also the most competitive. Sometimes, you have to call and check with the employer. Bug them a little bit. Convince them to give you a chance. And if you can convince them to give you a chance, then make sure you deliver.
IE, sex them up the right way! Treat her right. Etc. Etc..
I only speak from experience, and for the fact that I come from a family of mostly females…and I run my theories by my female friends all the time..
What I will tell you is that when I started taking my current attitude towards “the chase”, I have been more successful.
Before, I would give up too quick. And sometimes, I am still tempted to give up quick. The whole damn process can be exhausting and frustrating from the male’s perspective. When I think about the amount of time/effort that I put into acquiring my last girlfriend, I am astonished that I saw it through. And after I broke up with her, the thought of going out there and getting a new one was (and is) daunting. Simply for the fact that I believe that it’s gonna be a lot of work (unless I just want some stupid slut, which I don’t).
Of course, this brings up the question of “how much chasing is too much? At what point do you call it quits?” In my opinion, there is no set amount. It should be taken on a case by case basis, I guess. It depends on the girl. And on you. How much do you really like her? How much potential frustration are you willing to endure? How much chasing is fair? And yes, does she reciprocate when it comes to communication?
Obviously, if she doesn’t text you back, it’s a lost cause. But if she does, then you’re still in the game. But that’s the problem. It is a game. I hate games. I think they’re stupid. I don’t feel I deserve to be put through the whole process. I know my heart, I am a good guy. I wish that I could always be taken at face value. But that just simply isn’t the way it works. I know that I have to make her see me the way I see me. I know that once she does, the game is over. Getting to that point is the challenge.
So there’s my two cents. Happy hunting gents!
Jon gets it, LOL. At least one person is learning here.