I was in a Whole Foods-like market in Malibu the other day, and I was “BlackBerrying out” texting on my phone (which is something I tell you guys never to do!) I caught myself doing this (and you should too). You should never be on your hand held device in public oblivious to everything going on around you, because you will miss opportunities that present themselves.
So as I was on my BlackBerry, there was a woman standing next to me. I looked at her and very genuinely said, “How is your day?” I did it very nonchalantly, and didn’t think too much about it.
When I see another person standing next to me, I don’t worry about coming up with some magical thing to say or a comic opener to win someone over. I never think, “Oh my God, I have to say something really funny…”
You don’t ever have to say something funny to talk to someone of the opposite sex or to anyone else. You really can just say, “Hey, how is your day?” You need to be genuine about it, like you really do care how their day is going.
After I asked this woman in the market how her day was going, she actually proceeded to give me a pretty detailed account of what she had been doing. She told me about a pool party she had gone to earlier. I said, “oh, I’ve read about those pool parties, but thought everyone there was probably way too young. She told me they weren’t too young and we chatted for a bit.
The next thing you know, she started busting me about the color of my sunglasses and how they matched my BlackBerry. This whole nice, friendly conversation started with a simple, “How is your day?”
So many guys waste so much time thinking about what to say and trying to come up with clever or funny things to say, when really all you need to say is, “How is your day?” Practice it. Practice saying it genuinely. Say it to yourself ten times, “How is your day? How is your day? How is your day?”
What would you say if someone walked over to you and asked you that question? Would you look at them and say, “Is that the best you can come up with? That wasn’t funny or clever.” Come on . . .
“How is your day?” It’s a simple thing to say every single time you see somebody and you’re at a loss for words. You need to say it genuinely and show her that you really are interested in her answer. You may be surprised what kinds of conversations you end up having.
Today i thought this old video would really help out men who can not grasp this simple concept. Time to get out of your own heads!
‘How is your day?’ ‘How are you doing?’ The most important factor like you said David is the delivery. Genuine, confident, with no saliva coming out of your mouth like you’ve never encountered the opposite sex or looking at your next prey. Thx.
That line “hows your night going” is probably accountable for the vast majority of my successes and at least half of the friends ive made on nights out!
Thanks for this blog, David.
I am quite witty, but I still have trouble engaging women in conversation. Last Friday, two girls from my block invited me to go bar-hopping for their birthday. I liked one of their friends, a petite brunette. We started dancing, and I was racking my brains out thinking of what to say next!
She was texting while dancing, so I called her on that (”Why are you texting someone else? Talk to me, I’m right here in front of you!” – which by the way, is something David has suggested doing in these blogs). She laughed and explained she was texting to her dad.
Anyway, I didn’t leave with her -she was beautiful but the chemistry wasn’t quite there-, but I wish I had read this blog before. Fortunately, there’s a lot of women in Quito, so I better keep on growing!
I really agree with this simple friendly gesture, but how i’m interpreting this is really saying “how is your day?” as a question, rather than more like a statement.
I hear people saying it all the time, but when its said more like a statement, it really seems to become more of a conversation killer than anything. I think as David says, be genuinely interested in an answer, maybe something more than just “good”.
This blog reminds me of something funny yet interesting. I go out everyday and approach women and lots of times I can’t seem to get them to open up the way I want them to. I always try to add a little bit of humor along with something that is going on in the moment. Yet I have a 60 year old married friend/co-worker who kicks my ass when it comes to women.
Women at my job are all head over hills for this dude. He just pulled a hot 22 year old girl from my job! How does he do it? He just strolls in to work and is genuinely friendly. He asks the girls how they are all doing? Of course he adds some humor to it now because the comfort level is there. But I watch him and it is almost as if he doesn’t try at all to pick up these women. He flirts genuinely and doesn’t even put a lot of effort into it, just simple conversation skills.
I was standing at the subway station waiting for the train and thinking about my evening with friends the other day, and I must have been smiling to myself. A guy walked by, said “Must be some pretty good thoughts”, and I cracked up. Led to a pretty good conversation.
LOL Kelly, I love your little story.
It’s so great when the conversation starts because it seems like one person just read the other person’s mind.
I always try to tell clients to really feel how the other person feels. Usually, those are the best openers too! Use your observation of not just what’s around you but what feelings/energy is around!
Big PP
I know exactly how you feel! When I was going through a similar phase, looking back now I think it was mainly due to going out TO meet women, rather than going about your daily thing, seeing an opportunity and taking it.
i.e. going to pull at a club, with that one purpose on your mind drove me crazy with anxiety, and “monkey chatter” as david calls it, but if you’re going out with your mates on a fairly heavy one, and hanging out with a few old friends, you end up taking that opportunity and not eternally worrying about it inside your head, because you’re having a great time already!
Same applies going to the post office, supermarket or wherever you personally feel comfortable approaching. I know it all sounds so “duh, well thats obvious” etc, but when you start becoming satisfied with who you are, and what you’ve learnt so far, and not actively practicing, it really all does fall into place.
I know this isnt the answer you were probably seeking or whatever, but I hope it helps slightly.
Pete