Dan, you are correct, it is a pretty libidious state I live in. I have already been successful over a dozen times, but I was a coward about the bedroom because I was worried about myself. Have a great time in China. I’ve heard single men in Asia can have a really good time if they want it.

My change in attitude is something that only appeared about three years ago and it has taken a long time to get to where I am at. I have farther to go, but I am on the right path. Thanks for all the help.

Trying to finish things up around here before my trip, barely have time to read the posts….I must say Khiem had some excellent advice! Ok, Peter and Marina did too:-) And of course SH goes deep again “Women think differently from men and when it comes to bonding in a sexual way or even dating we look at things differently then men do…” Wow

LA must be a heaven for for women looking for short term relationships for people in the movie/TV industry, no?

When a man feels strongly about a woman for more than just a physical fling then he will be more patient about sex…It seems like to me you are the kind of guy that is willing to wait on the woman where sex is concerned…There are men like you…Take the men of my generation they are the same way like those of the old school…

Unfortunately some women feel such strong connection or physical attraction to a man that they make the mistake of jumping in bed with him and then there is no turn back and in the back of their mind they know they made the mistake and want a long term boyfriend and want the same in return…
Maybe this will help you understand..Women think differently from men and when it comes to bonding in a sexual way or even dating we look at things differently then men do…
Luv Ya
Sandra
P.S.
Mike
You are not classified as a player you want to be a gentlemen when it comes to ladies and I believe that is what you are looking for in a woman…Like gentlemen ladies are few and far between…Keep seeking and you will find her one day…

And of course many of us here are familiar with empathy – I probably displayed some empathetic tendencies in the previous paragraph.:-) But its one thing to understand where someone is at, and another thing to understand and then lead them to a better place.

I fully understand the responsibility you feel for not hurting someone’s feelings, particularly when you feel a strong connection with them. But its almost as if you’re saying that wherever you take them will be somewhere that’s not beneficial for them. I’m sure you know that we’re all responsible for the people and situations we draw into our lives, so if you lead someone somewhere that they’re not happy with, remember that that is part of their life’s journey as well.

Also, other people’s emotions are very important to me. I don’t know if a lot of you are familiar with empathy, but it can be improved and developed to the point where it is intense. See what happens when you don’t just go for physical interaction anymore. Your mind takes over. (that was a joke). I can sit next to a close friend who is tired and feel tired. I know it is something everyone does, but it seems to be more acute for me. I can tell when someone is mad, or upset, or jealous, because I can feel myself feeling that way even if it has nothing to do with me.

Khiem, thank you for sharing your expriences. That is the kind of advice I need to hear. Between one date and the next, I usually have written a whole screenplay in my mind about the experience. Doesn’t mean I don’t value the moment, I just happen to have a mind that does this very well. I create lots of things. Caution is definatetely one of them because I am worried about hurting people’s feelings.

Marina, I don’t just pretend to go deep in the head with people. It happens that way because my mind is tuned to do that. I think that way. I make money that way and that is a part of who I am. Every connection to me is a very important one but that is because I value each one I get as much as I value myself. I can sit down with people for a few hours and they will be telling me things they never told anyone else before. That is a part of me. I guess, maybe because of how attentive I can get, short term relationships are not right for me.

Lots of things to think about. Thanks for the great answers, Peter, Khiem and Marina. Where is Dan on this one?

TAKE IT SLOW….

If you have the knowledge that you can create deep connections easily and that these can lead to broken hearts…then you have to ask yourself which path do I take ?

The path of pure me, you knowingly go out wanting something short emotionally intense which most likely will lead to someone being hurt. We all have had moments where we were pure selfish, and that is fine just be aware of the consequences for someone else.

Or do I go with not wanting to leave not too much hurt around me, there will always be some if you break up. Just maybe go a little slower in the beginning, not so intense from the start. You let the emotional connection slow down and not let it escalate to something really intense in a short while.

Girls, when we start feeling it’s a two way street with someone mutually interested in our deepest thought/dreams/fears connect really deep on a emotionally level and if we are attracted to the person then we naturally will think in terms of relationships. If you guys just want to get laid or casual, then don’t fuck with our heads by pretending to go deep into us.

Even if you say upfront I only want something short and it’s mutually agreed upon, The Pure Indulgence Treaty, at some point something most likely will change for one of the parties.

You just have to understand no matter how you would like to walk away most likely there will always be hurt involved..but that is life, there are no victims we all make our own choice, nobody forces us.

It seems to me you live your life based on how you want her to feel instead of based on how YOU feel. You are more worried about her perception of you and you forget what’s important to you.

My point is always to act as you feel more, be honest in how you feel so you can convey/project it… and don’t over promise (which is not always communicated in words but more in your behavior).

Let me give you an example from my own life.

Everything with my last g/f went very quickly. How she felt about me was exactly how you described in your scenario but we didn’t wait until 3rd date to get intimate. We almost got intimate on first date… but in actuality, we hooked up on 2nd date.

She was attracted to me a lot and so was I to her. Within a month, I started wondering if she could be “the one”. Unbeknownst to me, she was thinking of me on a long-term basis as well. She’s actually the one who pushed for being committed.

However, there was a few issues that I had to think through before I could commit. Every time she pushed for more, I just told her how I felt… and I was honest with her. I basically told her many times: “All I know right now is that I like you, I want to explore more of what we have… but I don’t know if I can commit just yet. As long as it feels good and right, I want to continue and see where this goes”

As such, she waited a bit longer than usual for me… and we did become b/f-g/f later but at any given time, I always reminded her that this relationship can only work if it feels good and right for the both of us. I’ve always reinforced honesty in our relationship and we’ve agreed from the beginning that if anyone of us ever started to feel differently, we’d let each other know.

I’ve also explained to her on may occasions how I would react if she was the one who decided to leave me. I told her I wouldn’t get mad b/c love is a choice 2 people have to make to be together but I’d expect truth. By letting her know that, I implied that I expect that from her as well.

In your scenario, you were the one who didn’t think of her for serious relationship in the end… but if you created the right precedence, the right expectations from the beginning as I did, you minimize any amount of hurt she (or you) may feel.

At the risk of offending the female readers, I’d be careful about accepting their advice about what the right thing is to say. Many women will say how they want a nice guy who treats them well, before promptly going out and falling in love with a ‘bad boy’. Few women will admit to being excited by a guy with who they aren’t exactly sure where they stand, but in my experience I don’t think women really do want to be exactly sure of things. In the same way most guys will appreciate a girl more who they have to work more for (ie. treat ‘em mean keep ‘em keen).

I didn’t say sex leads to marriage. Well, I guess I did sort of. Thank you for the advice by the way.

What I’m asking is, when is it appropraite to mention that you are not looking for anything long term? Women seem to have good success with this. So let me ask the women.

Scenario:
1. A guy you are interested in asks you out. You are excited and want to have fun. #1 on Khiems list. So you go out and you have a good date, or you have a good time with whatever you were doing when you met this guy. Okay, you say to yourself, no sex on the first date, this guy is too awesome for that and I don’t want him to think it is easy (just examples).

2. Second date rolls around and you go out again with this guy. He is awesome and a lot of fun to be around. He can make everyone you meet excited to be around him and he draws people in with his energy. Since it is second date, you talk more in depth about who you are as a person, dreams, wants, desires, etc… Things go really well and you get a little romantic attention at the end of the night but he backs off before making a move towards the bedroom. You get the sense that he is gentlemen as well as everything else about him, makes you like him even more, but boyfriend material, not so sure yet.

3. Third date and this is the best one yet. You start to realize how creative and attentive this guy is because he is like that all the time and not just putting on an act for you and the moments you share. You have started to playfully text during the day and this guy seems deeply attracted to you. He plans a very cozy date between the two of you and gives you his full attention. When the date seems to be winding down you invite him back to your place to see what can happen. Turns out he has the same thoughts as you and wants to have a good time that night. He leaves the next morning and you start to think about him all the time.

4. By the time the forth date rolls around, you realize how great this guy is and how much fun you have with him. You take someone’s bad advice online and you start to dress more provacatively to seduce him. You start thinking about what he would be like in a committed relationship and you start thinking of ways to attract that into your life. You have a great fourth date and he is attentive and in the moment with you the whole time. He enver even looks at another woman.

5. Five, six and seven, have you in heaven. You are telling your friends at work and you have even called your mom and said something vague like he might be the one. This is everything you wanted to have in your life and he is a perfect guy, with an exciting career, a great body, and a lust for the enjoyment of life that seems to be unmatched. You are enjoying a lot of fun in the bedroom and things couldn’t be going any better.

6. By date eight, you have been seeing him for a month and you are ready to commit. He calls you up one day and says that he has been doing a lot of thinking and you he realizes that even though you are a terrific person in every conceivable way, he is not done dating other people and wants to stop seeing you. The news is crushing to you and you feel like screaming at him about what is wrong with him. You want to ask but what about the way we were connecting and he says, well, that seems to happen every time with me and I value every single moment I spend with someone, but I just think this is the end of the line for our relationship.

Is that something that you would want to go through? I’m getting ahead of myself, I know. But this is how I think. And if you don’t think I am in the moment at all times, that is not the case. This is how I live, by telling stories like this and it all comes from being in the moment. I just happen to like to think about stuff like this.

What do I do if I am the guy in this scenario? What are your thoughts about it Kheim? I like to think that I am quite in tune with people’s emotions and besides being a little confused about sex, as I sort through ancient information and modern ideas to feel what is best for me. I know the way I write may seem like I am worrying but that is not the case. I ust don’t want to go around breaking hearts, but I am a smart,m creative, good looking (subjective I know, but I ain’t ugly) guy and that when the person I am seeing gets caught up in that.

I’m not saying I won’t take a chance at a relationship if it felt right in the moment, but I’m just like a woman in this sense. I don’t know right away but when I decide that I don’t want to persue a relationship for whatever reason, I don’t want to make a person feel bad about being rejected. This is very important to me since the first couple of successful relationships I had I felt very betrayed about how they were ended. And later on, after I got comfortable meeting and being around women, they started doing it again.

Should I say on date one, oh and by the way, I am really only looking for short term relationships or should I wait until my mind catches up with my urges? Or stay single and look for the one who is going to be someone I can be around for the next one to two years.

Mike