Have you ever had a conversation with someone in which you are pouring your heart out about something, and the other person makes an assumption about what you are saying based just on the surface stuff? Let me put out a very simple example of what I’m talking about.
Let’s say you and your significant other are discussing whether or not to go to the beach that day. You say that you are apprehensive about going to the beach, and don’t really want to go. The other person’s immediate reaction is, “You don’t want to go to the beach with me.”
Now, I know the beach isn’t the best example, but stay with me here. The other person didn’t hear the part where you said you almost drowned in the ocean as a kid. The other person didn’t hear about how frightened you are of the water.
So even though you’re telling the other person all this information so they will understand your background, and so that maybe you can open up about wanting to try and go in the water again, the other person makes an assumption about what they think you are saying.
A lot of people in life are “assumers.” Assumers always assume the worst because that is the way people have always treated them. It is the way they have always been treated by everyone in their mind.
They have always been rejected, or they will reject themselves before anyone else can reject them. This is what happened in the beach example above. The other person rejected themselves very quickly, and didn’t stop to really listen to the the real meaning behind the words being said to them.
They have not been able to get really deep with themselves. So many of you do this over and over again when it comes to meeting members of the opposite sex.
You don’t approach someone because you either look for a certain “sign” that you don’t get, or you get what you perceive to be a negative sign. You’ll think, “Oops, they looked in the other direction, so that means they don’t want to be approached. They don’t find me attractive and just rejected me.” All that from someone looking in the other direction?
You are always looking for the negative because you are a negative person and negativity is your comfort zone. That is what you are used to, i.e., being rejected or assuming the worst.
I have a friend who is like this. If I don’t immediately call them back or answer an email from them, they assume there is something wrong. They assume they did something wrong.
The truth is that I didn’t answer an email because I was busy. The truth is that I didn’t call them back because I didn’t have my phone on me over the weekend. I’ve told this friend over and over that I don’t carry my phone on the weekends because (1) I’m not a doctor and (2) I find the phone obnoxious during my time away from things. No matter what, though, this person assumes there is something wrong.
They will ask me, “What did I do? What did I do wrong? Are we back in the non-communication mode?” This person reacts because of the way that people have treated them their entire life, and they can’t see past it no matter what I say to them.
They don’t want to see past it. They don’t want to listen to the depth of what I’m telling them, because all they do is hear what they are used to hearing.
They are used to that rejection. They are used to feeling that way.
It is really time you listened outside of your comfort zone, and really listen fully to what someone is saying when they talk to you. If you are someone who has trouble really processing this in your life, then I have a great exercise to help you.
When you have a conversation with someone, write down bullet points of everything you hear. Instead of immediately reacting, take time to really review the conversation and change you pattern.
You pattern will never change until you do this. I know because I am a reactor too. My mother taught me how to react.
The minute someone says something negative, I used to react and say “Aha! I knew you felt this way. I knew it!” We do this because it makes us vulnerable to change our ways and this pattern.
If someone is constantly saying to you that you are assuming things in what they say that just aren’t true, then it’s time to change the way you do things. It’s time you learn to listen outside your comfort zone.
You need to step up and realize the things that you bring upon yourself. It’s really, really important to do that. When you do, you will live a better and more enlightened life.
You want to live a more enlightened life and really feel someone’s energy, instead of always focusing on the negative things they might say. If you focus in on negative things, it’s because you’re a negative person.
You’re not somebody who really wants to grow. Even though you say you want to grow and even though you say you want to make changes, you have a hard time doing it because you don’t follow what you’re saying.
So, look into your life. Look deeply into your life. If you’re somebody who has really been focusing in on the negative and only hearing what you want to hear, then you are missing the entire conversation. You are missing an amazing npart of what another person is giving you — the gift of themselves and the friendship you could really have — all because of this neurosis.
“A lot of people in life are “assumers.” Assumers always assume the worst because that is the way people have always treated them. It is the way they have always been treated by everyone in their mind.
They have always been rejected, or they will reject themselves before anyone else can reject them.”
Guilty as charged, David! Back in high school, I was what you would call a loser. When girls wanted to make fun of each other, they used me. They were pretty much the hottest/richest/most spoiled in town, and I didn’t really knew anybody else, so I guess my head got stuck in that mode… until I found your site! Thanks man, my life sure is changing now!
I heard this once and it fits perfect with todays blog. When you assume, you make an ASS out of both U & ME. Thanx David. Hope your trip is going well.
This is so important, so bedrock.
We live in a society that seems to put a premium on reacting as quickly as possible and assuming the worst motives. It’s not easy to fix this – I’m certainly not yet perfect about it – but a world where everyone really listened would definitely have fewer problems and much less stress (although some talk radio personalities would be out of a job!).
I’m off to tweet and Stumble this.
Amen. I admit that I have been guilty of this too- I think we all have at some point. I used to think along the lines of “what did I do wrong?” but then came to the realization it didn’t necessarily have anything to do with me. We get so wrapped up in ourselves sometimes that we forget that everyone has their own experiences. If we really want to have good relationships, we need to listen. Thanks David.
Solid article! A very holistic mindset when it comes to listening and relating to people.
Like, Michael had mentioned two comments above this one, this stuff is part of a solid foundation in terms of connecting with anyone and everyone of all stripes and colours – as well as being charismatic in general.
I’m off to stumble and tweet this as well!
David, talking about assuming, all this week I’ve approached women of all ages, and guess what? Nothing negative happened!!!! none of the “slap me; puke on me; reject me, call me ugly; or get away from me” happened. lol they were all nice, and I use the “walk away” thing which got some of them to find me later around Wal Mart. ;D
only this one girl at school, I don’t know why, but since recently whenever I say hi to her, she just look ahead and don’t say anything. I don’t know what I did to make her pissed at or something, but who cares? she’s not that hot anyway. my sister is hotter than her. lol
Finally, it’s all about living life for you. looking the world from the positive really makes things great for you and your surroundings. I see it and living it. ;D
p.s: David, you should start paying me now because I’m having women come to your blogs now because they want to know more about us. ;D I’m busting my balls to bring you “customers”, so I deserve an award or something; maybe you coming to Dallas, Texas to host a seminar and I’ll bring those women.
Oh my god
I love your blog and this particular entry sounded like you were talking to me.
I come from a very abusive family(domestic violence and emotional abuse) and i think i still carry all that rejection and pain in my interactions with men. I am twenty two-years-old and attractive yet i find it very hard to meet men. It is like i have already decided in my head that the guy doesn’t like me (even though he has given no indication what so ever) and in turn I am the one who is rejecting myself. Maybe i think i am not worth it and prefer to stay safe in my negativity.
Many times i don’t listen to what they are saying and assume the worst.
But this entry really helped me see myself and what i am doing wrong. I am so trapped in my negativity.
I need to address my problems before i can even start being there for someone else. I need to be there for myself first.
Thanks for reminding me of that David.
Natasha
Mumbai
India.
So C-Man, how are you getting these women on the blog? I’m really curious of what you are telling them hehe
Another version of this is the assumer that takes one thing you say and dumps all of his or her preconceived stereotypical notions on you.
You say you respect President Obama, and instantly they see you as a left-wing, pro-abortion, bleeding heart liberal who hates America. You mention two woman friend’s names in a conversation and you are labeled as a shallow insensitive player who really hates and uses women. You say people have a legal right to own guns and you are tagged as a racist, violent thug.
I’ve run into several of these types recently, and I just walk away. Reality in all it’s subtle complexity can’t begin to penetrate their biases.